"If you don’t really want to have sex but agree because you feel obligated or don’t want the other person to get mad, you aren’t consenting voluntarily.
Coercion happens when someone wants you to consent when you’ve already said no or otherwise expressed disinterest. They might use threats, persuasion, and other tactics to get the outcome they want".
"Everyone has the right to decide when they do and don’t want to have sex. Once you say no, your partner should respect that. Any threats, wheedles, guilt trips, or other persuasion intended to wear you down counts as coercion"
"Let’s say you tell them, “I’m not feeling it tonight.”
They reply, “That’s OK. I’m happy just massaging you, unless you want me to stop.”
This gives you the choice to continue the current level of intimacy with no pressure for more.
If, a little later on, you decide you actually do feel like sex, this isn’t coercion — as long as the decision really does come from you.
It would, however, be coercive if they insist they want to help you relax, but then ask repeatedly, “Are you sure you aren’t feeling a little sexier after all this massaging?”
Constantly - he used to offer me a massage if my back was particularly painful - but it never stopped at a massage and it was not for my benefit. He hoped it would lead to sex despite the pain I was in. It would make me feel like he had spent ten minutes massaging me, to help me, being kind and caring to want to do that for me so I would feel obligated to 'reward' him (? if that's the right word). He knew the pain I was in but would would try everything to get me to have sex.
A partner might threaten to dump you:
“People in relationships have sex. If we aren’t going to have sex, I think we should break up.”
He wouldn't threaten to end the relationship as I was needed by him - I did everything, sorted everything, organised everything - I was useful to him.
Someone might try to convince you to have sex by suggesting that saying “no” means there’s something wrong with you.
Always - his words did not compute with his actions for me. He would say he understood, he would say I know what pain you are in but he would still carry on trying to persuade me or suggest that I was depressed (when he was in 'kind' mode - when he was in 'not kind mode' it would be telling me that I was frigid, abnormal, needed help).
In a relationship, a partner might try to manipulate your emotions in order to get you to change your mind about having sex or doing anything else.
When people use their emotions deliberately to try and convince you to do what they want, that’s coercion.
Perhaps they say, “Oh, I understand” or “That’s fine” but their body language tells a different story. They stomp off, slam doors, and sigh heavily. Maybe they hang their head as they walk away, or even burst into tears.
His words rarely didn't match his actions. He would say he understood but then would withdraw from me - he would withdraw any kindness or affection and I would then be upset, confused, cry - he would then see that as further validation that I was the mental one and depressed. He would not continue to do what we were doing, maybe watching TV or we would have had a meal out and he would just go off to bed or get more alcohol - I could feel his displeasure - I could feel it in the room like a thick cloud. I felt guilty, I felt that I was abnormal and that I was destroying our relationship. I would try and have sex with him now and then to save our relationship.
This relentless pestering can also happen in a relationship.
Perhaps you haven’t felt like sex recently because of physical health concerns, stress, or anything else.
Instead of asking how they can offer support, your partner asks almost daily, “Do you think you’ll feel up to sex tonight?”
Originally it was very frequent - it became emotionally exhausting to have that guilt put on me on a regular basis. I tried to be more tactile with him as I am aware that I have never been an overly hugging and kissing person 'just for the sake of it' - I started to hug him more or kiss him - he would always grab my breasts or grab at my vagina through my clothes. I stopped trying to connect with him.
Maybe they drop subtler hints instead:
“Can’t wait until you’re feeling better.”
“I’ll do the dishes if that means some sexy time later.”
Guilt is another common coercion tactic.
Your feelings for someone can make you more vulnerable to guilt. You care for them, so you don’t want to hurt them, but they might take advantage of that.
For example:
“I’ve been feeling so lonely. I really need you right now.”
“We haven’t had sex in over a week, and it’s really difficult for me to go so long without.”
“I can’t believe you don’t want to have sex on our anniversary. You must not really love me as much as you say you do.”
People can also make you feel guilty by spinning the situation to make it seem as if you’ve done something wrong:
“You haven’t wanted to have sex much lately. You must be cheating. If you aren’t, then prove it by showing me you want me.”
Even if you don’t feel like having sex, you might still want to connect by kissing, cuddling, talking, or relaxing together.
But they could try to pressure you into changing your mind about sex by treating you badly until you agree.
They might:
get up abruptly or push you away
completely shut down
make mocking or rude comments
Insisting you have to follow through
Consenting to sex once doesn’t mean consenting every time. In the same vein, you can always withdraw consent after you’ve given it.
So if you say, “Hang on, I’m not feeling so good about this after all,” or “Let’s take a break,” your partner needs to respect that and stop, immediately.
Any other response veers into coercion territory.
For example:
“But you said we could have sex tonight.”
“I’m so turned on, I can’t stand it. We have to keep going.”
“I’m so frustrated and stressed, I need this.”
These responses reflect what they want, not any concern for how you feel.
All of that - it was always about him. Penetrative sex always seemed to be something he wanted over with as quick as possible, then he would say "my turn now" - like the actual sex was for me and not him. He wanted to cross boundaries that he knew I didn't like, let alone enjoy - I felt that was my fault because now and the I would let him so he didn't understand why I wouldn't do it on that occasion then. It always felt like he didn't enjoy the penetrative sex part and got his pleasure from the stuff I didn't like.
A respectful person will probably notice from your body language that you feel uncomfortable, and they’ll take a moment to find out if everything’s all right.
Someone who begins initiating sexual contact without first discussing boundaries or asking what you’d like to do may hope you’ll just go along with what they want to do. Maybe they even wake you up for sex, disrupting your sleep and hoping you’ll be too tired to protest.
More so when he was drunk or the next morning when he felt bad for himself - he would come into my bedroom on the pretext of wanting a cuddle to make him feel better - especially if he was hungover or had lost money gambling. I used to love having cuddles and feeling close to him - but then he'd start touching me sexually and I knew he didn't want the cuddle - he'd then huff, roll over, sometimes just leave the room when I said I wasn't in the mood or in pain. He's then say "how about a blow job then?" or "you can just lie there, it wont take me long" - if he even noticed how upset or sad I was at those comments he would then say "I was only joking - for fucks sake, you are so emotional".
If you’re experiencing ongoing coercion from a partner you want to maintain a relationship with, start by having a talk with them. Explain how their attempts to pressure you make you feel and tell them they must respect your boundaries for the relationship to continue.
I did - on many occasions. I even wrote it all down hoping he would understand better as he always tied me in knots if we had any relationship discussions. He just turned everything around to be my fault, he didn't take criticism in any shape or form, he was always right and I'd end up just feeling worse. I gave us talking to him in the end. I knew I wasn't depressed or confused, I knew the truth BUT I still couldn't make sense of it. My only reality, something that I could understand and make sense of it, was it had to be me. Maybe I was mental, depressed, having a breakdown, not normal to not enjoy sex with him.