I need a good rant - advice also helpful!

[Sunflowers67]

So, we have been together about 15 years now - living together for 14 of those.
I always knew he was a little 'quirky' but I suppose with family, friends, busy career, I was able to handle it better.
Now, we are both semi retired, my dad passed away so my mum lives with us (not easy, but what else can an only child do), the kids have left home and his 'quirky' little ways are far more noticeable, annoying and darn right hurtful at times.
We are also due to get married in two weeks and I don't think I'm gonna do it. It wont bother him if we don't, he'll just shrug his shoulders and carry on as usual. He wont leave our home or threaten to end the relationship - he never does. Sometimes I wish there would be a huge display of emotion and anger and then we can both just shout at each other, get it out of our systems and then communicate and repair. But he doesn't communicate, he never sees a problem and I am increasingly becoming immune and unfeeling towards him - I suppose its a form of self protection.
We have separate bedrooms, seperate interests and I would say we have lived together like two mates for years - except I don't treat my mates like this.

So, what does he do that is so bad? he doesn't drink much, he is not a cheat, he is not secretive, he would help anyone (except me), he tolerates my mother living with us, he gets on well with my grown up kids (he chooses not to see his family).
He has no emotions, he cannot 'read a room', he doesnt know when I am sad or worried or down as he cannot recognise body language or facial expressions. I have felt for quite some time that he is maybe autistic (his son is, which is why he chooses not to see him - he cant handle the skewed thoughts and strange behaviours from him and never did when he was a small child - the boy was raised by his alcoholic mother, we tried for custody but because we didn't get it, my other half then decided to not see the boy).
Not my style of parenting, but it was his choice.
Now, as we are getting on in years and my health has taken a down turn, I need his support and understanding more. And it isn't there. But then it never was.
I spend my days doing my own thing around the large property that we have - if we try and do something together, gardening, cleaning, maintenance, he just gets frustrated that I'm not doing it his way! So we work separately.
Many a time I have tried to talk to him and he takes it so personally, gets angry, wants very specific examples of how his behaviour has hurt me - and even if I do remember specifics, he then disputes it and turns it all around so as its me with the problem.
Then I am the one more upset, the one staying in my room wondering how my life amounted to this? And what dooes he do whilst I'm upset? He is carrying on as normal, in his own little world. He'll put some music on, he will sing and whistle and be merry. I suppose in his mind, this is me being me - moody, upset and I will snap out of it in a few days. Which I do. The hurt dissipates a little so I carry on functioning normally again - I will talk to him, I will get busy and then round we go again. Same old same old.
I have given up trying to talk to him, I know it does no good. I have tried to get us into some counselling but no where near me does 'couples counselling' - he is willing to go if I find somewhere. He is probably hoping that a counsellor will point out 'the error of my ways'.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't bother him that we are like this - that he is not upset, he doesn't try to talk to me about us, there is just nothing there with him.
I am upstairs now, typing this, and I can hear him downstairs singing away, happy and joyful. I feel like I want to go downstairs and hit him with the large skillet and scream 'feel that buster?!' - I wont, I'm not a violent person. But god does he bring out the worst in me.

Going our separate ways is probably the best option but its quite a scary thought to go it alone after 15 years - and then splitting all the assets, looking after mother, tending to this large place/or even having to sell it and split the proceeds, lawyers. He also would not leave the home so we would be living in more hell until everything was finalised and I am the only one that feels the pain of that.

I suppose I really want us/him to change. And I'm old enough to know that wont happen - been there/divorced that many years ago.

Thank you for letting me offload.

Stop writing him letters or trying to talk to him, you need to continue grey rocking him.
Sending him letters or speaking to him gives him more ammunition to keep abusing you until you're all tied up in knots again and don't know your own mind.

Speak to your solicitor and ask him to write to your ex's solicitor explaining that options have been suggested and the deadline not met and then what option you would prefer and go from there.

Thank you for updating us. You’re so insightful and can hold a really robust understanding of him and you from various angles, which makes you empathetic, self aware, thoughtful… unlike that awful git. From your first post I’ve believed his whistling is also a way to get under your skin, and I think that because I was in a similar situation with a pig headed, self defeating and unkind man who lived with me after our relationship ended. It felt so good to finally get away from him. Soon you will be free too! The solicitor fee a small price for freedom.

I agree with Sortingitout. Stop dealing with him directly. Let your lawyer handle it. Don't give him the letter - you open yourself up to more unhinged behaviour. You are paying the lawyer to deal with him and that's what you need right now.

Yes you are all right - no more letters from me. I suppose I had hoped that he would miraculously morph into a normal human being and discuss things, move forwards together and be amicable. Of course that won't happen.
Letter deleted.
At least we (solicitor and I) now have a point of contact to get things moving.

He is extremely passive aggressive today so I am best to try and keep out of the way as much as possible.
Got mum sorted and then some workmen in today so he kept to his own room until just now.
"I need the printer out of your room as I have things to print" says he.
My room is also the office.
"OK, let me finish what I am doing, but you will have to carry it" says I
"I don't want to go into your room - I may be accused of raping you" and then he laughs.
No response from me.
"Those workmen you have in - are you not worried about the noise with the guests in the cottage " - says he, sneering. This is a dig at me asking him to turn the music down the other night.
"No - I have spoken to the guests" - says I
"Oh well done you - and how will you get the cottage ready for the next arrivals with the workmen there - bet that didn't cross your mind" - says Mr Sneery.
"It's sorted" - says I
"Ha! I doubt that very much - so you have cleaned, done the laundry, dried the washing and ironed it all in the last hour have you - ha".
"Laundry on and the rest I will do later so leave it to me" - says I
"I will do what I want darling! You are not my boss" - and off he stomps, muttering away about how mental I am.

He then shouts up the stairs - "where are all my things that were in that box" says he.
The box he is referring to was tidied out months and months ago.
"I can't remember where we put them" - says I.
"Well, isn't that a surprise. What if I decide to not remember things just to annoy you eh?" - he sounds very angry. I am glad he is downstairs.
5 minutes later - "found them so don't rush to help".

Grey rock is not bothered as grey rock sees you and knows what you are. Grey rock thinks happy thoughts and imagines her life a year from now.

You are still engaging in conversation when you know he will turn it on you.
Buy another printer and keep it in a locked bedroom or your mum's apartment - does he ever go there? If he demands the printer, don't respond but save what you have done, get up and leave WITHOUT COMMENTING.
Don't reply to digs- they will get you nowhere. Why are you defending yourself against him when you know what he's after?
"My household arrangements are nothing to do with you" on repeat.
In reply to "Where are the. .?" A brief, "Don't know " or "no idea" if you must.
You are still giving him too much power.

Genuinely does he actually do fuck all for the business? It seems like you do all the cleaning/resetting/turning around guests... what does he contribute?

I'm glad you're leaving it to the solicitors now, hopefully things will get moving!

You have the patience of a saint op and well done for not snapping. I don’t know if you remember the saying in the film Bad Boys ‘whoooo saaaaaa’ I think I’d be using that all the time when dealing with your stbx

This, too, shall pass.

I know I am engaging too much - I just find it so difficult to not answer someone when I'm spoken to! I will try harder tomorrow and make it my mission to perfect the art of no or minimal engagement. One word answers, walk away.

As for what does he do in the business - not a lot! I write the 'to do' list on the blackboard each evening ready for the next day, as I have always done. He seems to take offence to it at the moment - I suppose he sees it as me ordering him around.
Instead, he writes all over my neat & tidy guest diary with silly things - I ironed 2 pillow cases, I cleaned the bath, I watered a plant.
He cooks his own meals (ready meals), he does his own laundry, he does his own shopping.
I do everything here - but if I didn't it would fall apart very quickly.

I probably will look at getting some help in over the summer - maybe someone local wants to cut grass and help with the gardens for some extra cash.
That will not please him either as he will see that as coming out of his 'meagre share of the profit'.

So, damned if I do and knackered if I don't - but I will put the garden jobs on the blackboard, leave it a few days to see if he will do it and then advertise for some help.

He sacked the window cleaner months ago as he was going to do it and save a few quid - I can barely see out of them now! If I ask him to do anything, he takes great pleasure in not doing it, if I write it on the board its seen as me trying to control him and there is no way on earth he will sit and have an adult conversation about the business on a regular basis.....nothing I do will ever be right so I now do it my way and he can shut up or put up.

Onwards and upwards and no point sweating the small stuff.

Quiet few days here, no dramas, no issues - just going about our business in the same house and largely avoiding each other.

I do feel like I am being the abusive one - which I will talk over with my counsellor next week but as always, your take on it all is appreciated.

I am in effect stonewalling him - he will try and make conversation and I just make a grunt or say yes or no and then walk off. He mutters about how rude I am - to try and get a reaction I suppose - and I ignore him.
But I cannot just talk to him as if nothing has happened! Our relationship is over, he was abusive and nasty and we are just two people living in the same house until the legalities are sorted.
I think that he thinks all this would of blown over by now and I am still being moody and nasty to him. I know two people with a long history should be able to be civil to one another, but I don't want to engage with him other than when I have no choice. What he tries to engage over is just trivial and unnecessary. I feel as if he is doing it just to be able to affirm to himself that I am nasty to him.

I don't get why he is so happy, laughing, singing - I'm certainly not doing that as I am grieving the loss of what I thought our future would be.
I am scared of the future (but I know I will cope), I am hugely worried about solicitors bills and then getting into debt in order to buy him out, I am worried about silly things like who will support me when my mum passes away, or my dog even! How mad is that because he wouldn't have done anyway - maybe just the presence of the familiar, someone being here?

I'm worried about getting old & infirm and rattling around in this big old house as the roof falls in or the boiler packs up - I know, stupid really.
There are workmen for that, my sons would be here to help in an instant.

Voices that I need to ignore are chipping away at my common sense and asking if he was really that bad? I know he was, I re-read my journal when I question my recollections. I just wish my mind would stop whirling at 200mph!
I don't feel that I have abnormal anxieties given the situation, I don't feel depressed, I sleep like a brick and my appetite is fine. I force myself out into nature, I take pleasure in the little things and I am not moody.

The only way out is through.

Relationships eh! Who needs them 🙃

Glad it's going more smoothly Op. Ignore the guilty feelings, it's habit, he's made you feel bad for so long. Hopefully your solicitor will have news for you soon

Of course you feel guilty and abusive. You seem to be a really nice person and he has trained you to feel bad if you don't give in to him. Guilt is part of the training.
Keep ignoring him or giving short answers. You are doing well. Worries for the future are natural and you are dealing with these worries by what you write here.
Keep going.

You are so wonderful. I enjoy reading your updates. They are so human. So real. So honest. Life lived honestly, questioningly, lovingly, wonderfully. Keep on keeping on. Thanks for the updates.

Well, I spoke too soon.
What an afternoon/evening.
He had been picking and sneering at me constantly - why did you do that? What are you doing now/ Why did you do it that way? etc etc....or "Where is my.....?" "Did you know that happened"? I of course kept on with my one word answers, if they even warranted them.
I had a feeling something was very 'off' with him - so kept busy cleaning the cottage ready for guests and trying to keep a low profile.
Then I get "YOU ARE A DISGUSTING PERSON" shouted at me. "I will be telling the new guests that you have not changed the bedding from the previous guest" as he jabs a finger in my direction.
Well, of course the beds are changed - my cottage is spotless.
I didn't say anything - I felt a bit scared actually and quite shocked at this outburst.
He then went off to the laundry room and came back to say he had checked the washing machine and tumble dryer and they were not in there "proof of how disgusting you are".
I went up to my bedroom and locked the door.
Then I heard him go into my mother's room (still ill in bed, poor woman). He's telling her how disgusting I am, what I have done, that his standards are higher than mine and I should be ashamed of myself.
I had to leave my bedroom and tell him to leave my mother alone - "she is ill and does not need your drama". My mum pleads with him to leave her alone.
"Seeing as you have asked so nicely I will - unlike some I could mention".

Just for context - the cottage I was cleaning had three loads of washing and drying for me to do. I put some in the cottage itself, some in the laundry room and one load in our own house - just to get it all done at the same time. He checked the laundry room and found one wash - therefore assumed I had not bothered with the rest.
It really is quite unbelievable. You would have to have been there to know how bizarre it all was.

Then he goes on about how he will break my bedroom door down if I ever give him cause to (whatever the heck that means!).
I did say "you do not have my permission to break my door down under any circumstances or to enter my bedroom".
Well, red rag to a bull - how dare I tell him what he can and cannot do.
Off he goes again "I detest you, I wouldn't p*ss on you if you were on fire".
Then he starts singing at me "I was blind but now I see" - "You are an absolute nutter. Why don't you call the police? Go on, call them and see what they do - you fucking nutter".

He was just vile! I'm shaking now just thinking about it.

Mum was very shook up, she wants me and her to leave the house and just get out of his way - anywhere but away before he kills me - which she is convinced will happen.

I called 101 - non emergency (as by then he is sat in the garden with a cup of tea and laughing on the phone to his friend). I made the report of what had just happened.
They asked me to go to the local station and make a statement - which I did, reluctantly as I didn't want to leave mum. I couldn't have them come here - that would just enrage him more once they had gone.

As we all know, nothing they can do until he is physical with me. However, they have said that if me or mum are scared again, we must call 999 and not 101. They will then remove him from the premises for the night, try and get a 'no contact' order in place and then he wont be allowed to return. Personally, I cant see that happening unless he does physically harm me.
They are also making a safeguarding report so as other departments can get involved and support me and mum.

And where is he? He's gone to the pub for the night to drink and gamble.

Oh my goodness!!! This vile creature is jabbing at you from every direction to get a reaction out of you. What an awful awful monster. You’re handling it so so well. Hang in there. You poor woman and your poor mum.

If he scares your Mum who is so vulnerable and cannot move away from him that is physically threatening and warrants him being removed. As soon as you dial 999 he will either get enraged or start his stupid singing.

Can you refer your mum for a social services assessment/to have a social worker.

#RandomMess I did try and get mum referred when we moved here, also some help for me as her unpaid carer. I think we fell through the cracks of bureaucracy and long waiting lists.
On the back of yesterdays shenanigans from him, the police have made a safeguarding referral so hopefully things will move a little quicker and I can get her some outside support.
I have also contacted my solicitor and said not to wait for him or his any longer, get things moving and force a decision from them.

What I find so hard to process is that he has had a very reasonable offer from me, I am not trying to take anything from him or pull the wool over his eyes - why stay? He is obviously full of hatred and contempt for me so take the money and go.
I know I would. If he is staying in the hope of reconciliation, surely he knows that ship has sailed. Or, he is staying to punish me and make my life as miserable as he can and for as long as he can.

Things to ponder whilst sat in the sun with my coffee and a most amazing, wonderful and calming cigarette (I started again. I had no willpower, I don't like Gin so I thought what the heck - I'll stop again when all this is over).

Have a good day everyone, try not to sweat the small stuff and find something to smile about every day in this crazy old world 😘

Please don't tie yourself in knots trying to understand the whys and wherefores. The guy is an abusive nutcase. That's why.
Stay safe 🤗

Abusive nut sums it up.

He is losing his power & control over you and he hates it!

I am worried for you that he is ramping up the crazy behaviour and involving your mum, who is elderly and ill. Be very careful. Can you have your son staying over? Or a large male friend? Definitely keep the police on speed dial

# LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand I am worried for you that he is ramping up the crazy behaviour and involving your mum, who is elderly and ill. Be very careful. Can you have your son staying over? Or a large male friend? Definitely keep the police on speed dial

Yep, me too! But no-body seems to be able to anything until it gets worse. I get it, I do understand. As far as anyone is concerned we are two people separating and I could be a liar. The policeman yesterday that interviewed me looked quite distraught for me - his hands are tied and he was frustrated that he couldn't just go and arrest him for something, anything - just to get him in overnight and then hopefully some order that prevented him from returning - then he would have to take his settlement and go.

I don't know what else I can do to protect myself. I can deal with his sneers and nasty comments, sticks and stones and all that, but if he does flip, what chance do I have to even phone anyone.

My son is coming for a few days soon but I will not ask him to stay - he has his own life and this is my mess. It would be an awful situation to put him in. As for a big burly man friend to stay? I don't know any - and can you just imagine the fallout from that?
"This is Arnold (as in Schwarzenegger) my 'man' friend - he will be sleeping on the end of my bed for a while".

He wants more, more than you have offered. he wants every penny possible.

He managed to get you to put him on your title deeds for nothing, so now he knows he gets what he asks for, he is going for even more.

If the police are frustrated then this is worse than it seems Op. Please be careful and make sure you keep your mobile with you and charged up. I'd be much happier if your DS stayed for a few days and if he knew quite how weird your Ex is I think he would be too

I know you don't want to impose on your son but I really think you should ask him to stay around.

I, and I am sure others too, am concerned this is, or is becoming a dangerous situation for you, and your Mum.

I wonder if there is any sort of personal alarm that you can wear around your neck 24 hours a day that would link you directly to the police emergency services.
( similar to care alarms that link disabled / elderly people to a service provider for care )