I need a good rant - advice also helpful!

[Sunflowers67]

So, we have been together about 15 years now - living together for 14 of those.
I always knew he was a little 'quirky' but I suppose with family, friends, busy career, I was able to handle it better.
Now, we are both semi retired, my dad passed away so my mum lives with us (not easy, but what else can an only child do), the kids have left home and his 'quirky' little ways are far more noticeable, annoying and darn right hurtful at times.
We are also due to get married in two weeks and I don't think I'm gonna do it. It wont bother him if we don't, he'll just shrug his shoulders and carry on as usual. He wont leave our home or threaten to end the relationship - he never does. Sometimes I wish there would be a huge display of emotion and anger and then we can both just shout at each other, get it out of our systems and then communicate and repair. But he doesn't communicate, he never sees a problem and I am increasingly becoming immune and unfeeling towards him - I suppose its a form of self protection.
We have separate bedrooms, seperate interests and I would say we have lived together like two mates for years - except I don't treat my mates like this.

So, what does he do that is so bad? he doesn't drink much, he is not a cheat, he is not secretive, he would help anyone (except me), he tolerates my mother living with us, he gets on well with my grown up kids (he chooses not to see his family).
He has no emotions, he cannot 'read a room', he doesnt know when I am sad or worried or down as he cannot recognise body language or facial expressions. I have felt for quite some time that he is maybe autistic (his son is, which is why he chooses not to see him - he cant handle the skewed thoughts and strange behaviours from him and never did when he was a small child - the boy was raised by his alcoholic mother, we tried for custody but because we didn't get it, my other half then decided to not see the boy).
Not my style of parenting, but it was his choice.
Now, as we are getting on in years and my health has taken a down turn, I need his support and understanding more. And it isn't there. But then it never was.
I spend my days doing my own thing around the large property that we have - if we try and do something together, gardening, cleaning, maintenance, he just gets frustrated that I'm not doing it his way! So we work separately.
Many a time I have tried to talk to him and he takes it so personally, gets angry, wants very specific examples of how his behaviour has hurt me - and even if I do remember specifics, he then disputes it and turns it all around so as its me with the problem.
Then I am the one more upset, the one staying in my room wondering how my life amounted to this? And what dooes he do whilst I'm upset? He is carrying on as normal, in his own little world. He'll put some music on, he will sing and whistle and be merry. I suppose in his mind, this is me being me - moody, upset and I will snap out of it in a few days. Which I do. The hurt dissipates a little so I carry on functioning normally again - I will talk to him, I will get busy and then round we go again. Same old same old.
I have given up trying to talk to him, I know it does no good. I have tried to get us into some counselling but no where near me does 'couples counselling' - he is willing to go if I find somewhere. He is probably hoping that a counsellor will point out 'the error of my ways'.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't bother him that we are like this - that he is not upset, he doesn't try to talk to me about us, there is just nothing there with him.
I am upstairs now, typing this, and I can hear him downstairs singing away, happy and joyful. I feel like I want to go downstairs and hit him with the large skillet and scream 'feel that buster?!' - I wont, I'm not a violent person. But god does he bring out the worst in me.

Going our separate ways is probably the best option but its quite a scary thought to go it alone after 15 years - and then splitting all the assets, looking after mother, tending to this large place/or even having to sell it and split the proceeds, lawyers. He also would not leave the home so we would be living in more hell until everything was finalised and I am the only one that feels the pain of that.

I suppose I really want us/him to change. And I'm old enough to know that wont happen - been there/divorced that many years ago.

Thank you for letting me offload.

He thinks he has the upper hand, which if he has choice he does to an extent. I would say the deadline has passed you or your solicitor has not told me your decision, so I’ll see you in court. That will eitger force his hand, or you see him in court; either way you have taken the power of next steps back into your hands.

Make living in limbo land is not a choice.

I agree with this, by even asking him you're giving him the power. Speak to your solicitor and activate whatever the next step is now that the deadline has passed.

# S0j0urn4r well, nobody showed up thankfully. Just another empty threat to try and keep me on edge.
# LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand you are so right. All it has done is cause more and more passive aggressive behaviour this afternoon and evening.
# VexedofVirginiaWater That's what I'm thinking too - I don't know why I keep expecting him to suddenly act like a normal human being. Back to mine I suppose and issue the beginning of court action to force a decision.

This afternoon since 3pm all he has done is have his TV on max volume or his music so loud it reverberates throughout the house.
A friend was in helping me paint a shed - 100 yards away from the house and even he asked how me and mum put up with that noise all day.

Brief respite at 6pm whilst he cooked some food (at the same time as I was doing mums tea to purposefully get in the way).

7pm - I decided to go to my sanctuary of the greenhouse, talk to the chickens and have a conversation with some plants. 2 minutes later he has followed me and sat close by with his music on max volume.
Its now 8.30pm and its still going on.
I feel quite angry and have a blinding headache.

Our home here is also our business - we have guests in the cottage close by, my mum is very poorly, I need rest.

This behaviour is just so unacceptable and there is nothing I can do about it 😢

Sorry if I missed it but do you have the details of his solicitor? Can your solicitor contact them?
So sorry you’re having to deal with this horrible situation

# Listofmedications No details at all. I have no idea who he saw, or even if he did actually see someone.

I'm finding his behaviour a little unnerving if I'm honest. Something feels wrong/off.
What if he 'snapped' - even if my bedroom door is locked, realistically, how would I even dial 999 and get some help here quickly?

I'm probably being over-cautious but I cant shake the feeling of something being really off.

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but have you spoken with the police or Women’s Aid? Definitely log each and every incident when his behaviour is odd, threatening or unreasonable.

He is abusing you, and your mother - who is vulnerable, being elderly and bed-bound.

The music you can record to demonstrate how loud it is. Is it affecting your business? Have the customers commented? If they leave bad reviews that will affect your business negatively and impact your finances and livelihood.

The fact you are having to retreat to your greenhouse from your own home and have a ringing headache shows how his behaviour is impacting you mentally and physically. This isn’t a reasonable way to live. What about your mother? She can’t remove herself from the situation!

You are now feeling so threatened you are now worried about the lock you already have fitted to your bedroom door and how you would be rescued if this is insufficient?!

Contact the police.

Sending massive hugs 💐

Agree with @Notsosure1 Op, he may not be physically abusing you but this is still abuse and I'd be speaking to the police and/ or your solicitor for advice. Just because he owns a share of the house gives him no right to damage your mental and physical health with his pathetic antics

I've already gone down the route of reporting him to the police when he was drunk and threatening so they have my statement on file.
I am registered with the local domestic abuse team and meet with them fortnightly.
With the house situation, they cannot take steps to remove him unless the situation escalates - meaning he threatens me again or is actually physical.

This is him trying to maintain his last bit of control over the situation - doing everything he can to make my life miserable, whilst still staying within the law.
He is a passive aggressive bully. Always was and always will be.
He also knows me very well so has the 'tools' needed to make my life miserable as my 'punishment'. He knows I love sitting up the garden of an evening and listening to the natural sounds. He knows I hate loud music etc etc - he has his own arsenal of things to do on a daily basis that he knows will make me unhappy. And he is going to use them.

He is fine with my mum - if he bumps into her (not much at the moment as she is ill in bed) he will chat to her as normal, offer any help and generally be 'Mr Nice Guy'.

I just have to find ways to cope with this as it will be going on for quite some time yet.

Grey rock is the way to go, but it feels really unnatural to me to just ignore someone and walk out of the room if they enter. Its causing me feelings of discomfort as it feels so rude (yes, I know how bizarre that sounds). But I am a good person, I don't ignore people on purpose.
It makes me feel like the abuser if that makes any sense?

Gray rock doesn’t necessarily mean ignoring. It means disconnecting emotionally. Not giving a reaction, nor showing he ever gets a rise out of you, shutting your heart to him entirely. You can still be cordial but in a way you’d be a stranger. He’s looking to get a rise out of you and you can focus on not giving it to him. You sound so wonderful and I hope you find ways to tune him out and tune in your chickens and plants. You are going to be so happy when you’re finally rid of this awful awful person.

Good luck. You have the strength inside you to move past this phase and into somewhere much better, that much is strikingly clear.

Sunflowers67

I heard about this yesterday.
hollieguard.com
It's a safety app. Could be worth a look.
Also update the police and explain how the situation is ongoing and how unsafe you feel.

If you brought your friends round - how would he behave?

# Notsosure1 If you brought your friends round - how would he behave?

Well, my friends are not close by since we moved here and with mum to look after and this place, I haven't made any - unless you count waving at the bin men and the postman 😀 - however, one did come and stay a couple of weeks back in the cottage. He was friendly and nice and made a point of asking if she had heard that we had split up. Well of course she's heard, we are friends, we talk - he then went on to say that he had no idea why and was worried for my mental health. She just made appropriate noises and nodded in the right places.
She is one of the few people that had seen how he treated me and she is so glad that I have 'seen the light'. She is very supportive but of course is a few hours away.

He has quite a few friends here as he moves in pub/gambling circles - I don't enjoy that sort of thing so never went with him. That was me 'not making an effort' in his interests apparently. Drinking & gambling - yeah, I think I will pass on that one thanks.

To all intents and purposes everyone sees a happy, smiling, lovable, helpful man that is being so poorly treated by his 'mental' partner.

I don't actually care what anyone thinks - I know the truth.

can I ask if you’re in mid-Wales? My much younger cousin lives in that neck of the woods and experienced coercive control, emotional and physical abuse from her ex-partner. The police fobbed her off with if it’s not physical, we can’t do anything. Rubbish.

coercive control escalates. The police know that.

Ask your advisor whether emotional abuse counts as coercive control. Really glad you have her in place.

Do the police have a domestic abuse person? My cousin put all this in place and when she’d left the bastard, she made a complaint to the police about the treatment they gave her.

I’m really glad that you are talking here, but also keep a journal to document what’s happening in a safe place like a Google drive document in case you need evidence.

Make sure all your devices are password protected, you have robust log-ins and passwords, and hide paper-based stuff that’s legal and vital in case he starts snooping. Get copies snd send to your son. Clear your browsing history.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. He’s a nasty abuser. Men like that are sickening.

Your life WILL get better once the fecker is out of your life.

Huge hugs.

And no idea what you have on your patch, but clubs / societies like WI can get you out of the house and give you a lift.

There are also the Meet-up app, book clubs (including online)and sometimes arts organisations have socials/classes. Even a spot of ad hoc volunteering. It’s about building your confidence. I appreciate these options might not be for you. Socialising in rural areas is very hard.

You sound lovely OP. Your life will be so much happier when this is over, at least he’s acting like a complete and utter a-hole so you have no regrets about your decision.

Good luck. Also, if you’re worried about your personal safety, carry a rape alarm. Should the worst happen and he gets really nasty, the noise alone will give you time to get away from him as it will take him completely by surprise and discombobulate him. You will have to look into the legalities of self-protection items - mace is banned I think, I’m not sure about pepper spray or if that’s the same thing. Look into it tho and think about purchasing, if only to give you a little extra peace of mind while he’s still there.

-I wish you had somewhere to stay while this all pans out. Could you move between friends houses for a while and arrange a carer to look after your mum or is that completely out the question? I’m sure you wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her at any rate, even if he is being civil to her for now.

We’re all thinking of you and wishing you well x

# Notsosure1 Apparently, the only legal self defence item that we can have in the UK is a rape alarm - sprays, gels, stun guns (loved the idea of a stun gun) are all illegal and with heavy penalties if found with one. I spoke to a lovely WPC about this and she said to keep an innocent hairspray by the side of the bed - top off and ready to squirt if need be!
My idea of putting some cayenne pepper into a spray bottle was met with caution though!
Apparently, he can break his way into my room in the middle of the night and assault me, but if I defend myself with anything classed as illegal, I would be the one in major trouble. But if use an innocent, household object that would be commonly found in that area of the house, everything 'should' be okay.
Her best advice was to call 999 (and then what? wait an hour for them to turn up. That's if I even get that opportunity after I'm woken up by the door being smashed in, its pitch black, I need to open my phone and then find the '9' button -all without my glasses).

You do have to ask yourself just how mad this world has gone.

Moving out is not an option for me - I have mum, animals, a business to run. He does nothing to help with any of this now - he certainly wouldn't do any of it if I have moved out.

He keeps asking me stupid questions just so as I have to answer him - "how is your mum today" - when he has just spoken to her or "I'm making a cup of tea, do you think your mum will want one?" or this afternoon was a good one, "that new doormat you bought is rubbish don't you think?" - after just a sort of non committal 'umm' from me he then quite angrily says "How rude you are! Don't you think that having the common decency to even say thank you to me is in order"......I left the room, utterly perplexed by it all.
He was still muttering about my rudeness.

What was I supposed to thank him for? Pointing out that the new doormat was rubbish?
I just don't get it.
What I do get is the utter contempt he has in his voice for me. He makes the hairs on my arms stand on end.

He is desperate for you to respond. He is full of contempt and I feel for you, I really do. Who cares if he goes on about you being rude? He doesn't have an audience. If you can get to the point of inwardly laughing at his feeble attempts, then that would be good. Don't outwardly laugh at him because he sounds unhinged. Keep pushing your lawyer. I would suggest a non molestation but I think he's very clever and probably stays within the bounds of legal activity.

I've read everything and I have to say you've been so strong dealing with his behaviour. You definitely did the right thing involving the police, there's something very off about this man.

Have you thought about what will happen with the shared business? I know in your last post you mentioned he isn't doing any work for the business at all - and it sounds like you were always doing the majority of the work anyway! Are you able to go the route of removing him as a director eventually?

@Sunflowers67 Hi. Do not, and I repeat, do not get couple's counselling with him. This type of counselling doesn't work when there's an abusive partner, and I'm afraid you have one. As you say, he will only be keen to go as he thinks it will be a chance for the counsellor to tell you how wrong/bad/useless you are. Get counselling for yourself, it sounds like you have a lot on. Contact a lawyer and get your ducks in a row, as they say. If you don't already, sleep in separate rooms and stop making his meals. Good luck, keep us updated.

That is a very good tip from your friend!

I do feel for you, OP, you sound so lovely from your posts and nobody deserve to be in your situation, but my heart really goes out to you.

Belive it or not, I think he is desperate to remain in a relationship with you, the reasons for which, you’d have a better idea than any of us, but it’s possible he may actually care about you, even love you, in his own specific way, and this bizarre behaviour is a mixture of desperation for contact (any contact, positive or negative) and anger that you are ‘abandoning’ him so he is lashing out as a means of punishing you. Love is a completely subjective concept and although there is a rough understanding of its definition, what it means to every individual is unique to them. Hang on in there. You have loads of supporters on here who are wishing you well x

He's highly abusive and has been from the very beginning of their relationship.
She gave him the rights to her home and shared her business, and accepted his appalling behaviour repeatedly.
Of course he doesn't want her pushing back on the comfortable situation he has.

I’m not disputing that. I’m saying he possibly believes he loves her and is acting out bc she’s ‘rejecting’/‘abandoning’ him. I’m highlighting how his weird and out of order behaviour isn’t necessarily a sign of nothing but contempt which he has been secretly harbouring for years (maybe it is) I’m saying that it’s interesting how some ppl react and the fact he is trying to initiate conversation shows he wants interaction. OP grey rocking him while frustrated him but might also hurt him if he cares about her so he lashes out. Let me be absolutely clear here -

I AM IN NO WAY SEEKING TO JUSTIFY OR EXCUSE HIS ABHORRENT BEHAVIOUR!!!!!!!

I am making an observation on a social/psychological aspect -THAT IS ALLLL. It is an aside.

OP hopefully knows she has my 100% support and I think her ex partner is an utter dickhead.

Thats the thing, he hasn't been harbouring any vile behaviour for years. He was like this from almost the beginning, for many many years.

He's abused her for many years.
Her mother is toxic also to her.

Poor woman is surrounded by vile people.
It skews your thinking as to what is basic and mormal decency.

Well my lovelies - I agree with everything said from you all.

Yes, I do believe he loves me, depends on me, trusted me to never leave him and I believe he is utterly flummoxed, panicked and in a messy headspace right now. He has contempt for me because he sees this as me 'abandoning' him. He will never, ever see that he has driven me away by his behaviours.
He can do no wrong in his eyes - he is always right, superior, knows better.

But his 'problems' - whatever they may be - have been there for years. They simmer away under the surface all the time but when he drinks or encounters a stressful situation, they flare. And because he cannot communicate like a 'normal' human being, has no empathy, understanding or insight into what makes the rest of us tick, he has no idea what to do. Fight or flight response always results in 'fight' - and as you say, within legal boundaries now.
He's not stupid, far from it. He's very cold, calculating and manipulative.

What he is doing now is trying to make my life as unpleasant as possible with the loud noise, music, thumping around, not helping around the place or business - I can deal with that, I know what he is doing and I know It wont be forever.

Today, I wrote another letter to him and was going to give it to him tomorrow. Again, asking for a response to the options I had laid out and received no communication about.
I have just opened an email from my solicitor saying that he had received a brief note from his solicitor, just informing us of the name of the legal chap that he has engaged and nothing else. No preferences, no haggling, no options - just that we will be acting for Mr X.
I suppose I go back to mine and we start pushing for an answer about the house/business. So very unnecessary when he could just tell me - each time we see a solicitor we are paying £380 per hour, each!
Maybe his gambling is paying off at the moment because I will soon be broke at this rate!

As ever - thank you for your insights, advice, good wishes - they really do keep me going xx