I need a good rant - advice also helpful!

[Sunflowers67]

So, we have been together about 15 years now - living together for 14 of those.
I always knew he was a little 'quirky' but I suppose with family, friends, busy career, I was able to handle it better.
Now, we are both semi retired, my dad passed away so my mum lives with us (not easy, but what else can an only child do), the kids have left home and his 'quirky' little ways are far more noticeable, annoying and darn right hurtful at times.
We are also due to get married in two weeks and I don't think I'm gonna do it. It wont bother him if we don't, he'll just shrug his shoulders and carry on as usual. He wont leave our home or threaten to end the relationship - he never does. Sometimes I wish there would be a huge display of emotion and anger and then we can both just shout at each other, get it out of our systems and then communicate and repair. But he doesn't communicate, he never sees a problem and I am increasingly becoming immune and unfeeling towards him - I suppose its a form of self protection.
We have separate bedrooms, seperate interests and I would say we have lived together like two mates for years - except I don't treat my mates like this.

So, what does he do that is so bad? he doesn't drink much, he is not a cheat, he is not secretive, he would help anyone (except me), he tolerates my mother living with us, he gets on well with my grown up kids (he chooses not to see his family).
He has no emotions, he cannot 'read a room', he doesnt know when I am sad or worried or down as he cannot recognise body language or facial expressions. I have felt for quite some time that he is maybe autistic (his son is, which is why he chooses not to see him - he cant handle the skewed thoughts and strange behaviours from him and never did when he was a small child - the boy was raised by his alcoholic mother, we tried for custody but because we didn't get it, my other half then decided to not see the boy).
Not my style of parenting, but it was his choice.
Now, as we are getting on in years and my health has taken a down turn, I need his support and understanding more. And it isn't there. But then it never was.
I spend my days doing my own thing around the large property that we have - if we try and do something together, gardening, cleaning, maintenance, he just gets frustrated that I'm not doing it his way! So we work separately.
Many a time I have tried to talk to him and he takes it so personally, gets angry, wants very specific examples of how his behaviour has hurt me - and even if I do remember specifics, he then disputes it and turns it all around so as its me with the problem.
Then I am the one more upset, the one staying in my room wondering how my life amounted to this? And what dooes he do whilst I'm upset? He is carrying on as normal, in his own little world. He'll put some music on, he will sing and whistle and be merry. I suppose in his mind, this is me being me - moody, upset and I will snap out of it in a few days. Which I do. The hurt dissipates a little so I carry on functioning normally again - I will talk to him, I will get busy and then round we go again. Same old same old.
I have given up trying to talk to him, I know it does no good. I have tried to get us into some counselling but no where near me does 'couples counselling' - he is willing to go if I find somewhere. He is probably hoping that a counsellor will point out 'the error of my ways'.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't bother him that we are like this - that he is not upset, he doesn't try to talk to me about us, there is just nothing there with him.
I am upstairs now, typing this, and I can hear him downstairs singing away, happy and joyful. I feel like I want to go downstairs and hit him with the large skillet and scream 'feel that buster?!' - I wont, I'm not a violent person. But god does he bring out the worst in me.

Going our separate ways is probably the best option but its quite a scary thought to go it alone after 15 years - and then splitting all the assets, looking after mother, tending to this large place/or even having to sell it and split the proceeds, lawyers. He also would not leave the home so we would be living in more hell until everything was finalised and I am the only one that feels the pain of that.

I suppose I really want us/him to change. And I'm old enough to know that wont happen - been there/divorced that many years ago.

Thank you for letting me offload.

Met with an acquaintance today for a coffee and a catch up.
We haven't quite got to the 'friend' stage but I think we just might - my first friend in this strange, new land I had moved too maybe. That's a nice thought.
She had met my ex partner a few times so when she said she had seen him and been shocked by his appearance, I knew it was him she had seen.
That's the second person this week that has seen him about and said he looked rough, unkempt and homeless.
I know that isn't my problem - it is all his doing and he has options other than maybe sleeping in a bus shelter and not eating - but it still jolted me and has been on my mind all day.

Then, my mother, who does have some memory problems and does get confused, suddenly remembered something he said to her before he was arrested.
I am POA for my mum and I have helped her manage her money for a very long time.
He said to her "your daughter is not to be trusted - If I was you I would not let her have access to your money as she has been stealing it".
My mum trusts me implicitly and I am not even going to justify myself about this - its all managed correctly and above board, statements go to mum every month about her accounts - but it made me so angry! How dare he?

First real anger has surfaced - what a nasty, manipulative human being - that wasn't me he was hurting, that was putting doubt into the mind of an elderly lady (possibly some dementia there) who has no-one else to trust except me. He was trying to break a mother/daughter bond.

I hope it gets wet and windy in his bus shelter tonight - nasty man.

@Sunflowers67 I'm so glad you've found your anger at last, he's a bastard, trying to turn your own DM against you. I hope there's a hole in the bus shelter roof and it rains all night 😂

Wow, that’s low. So glad you’re out of that now.

What an absolute piece of shit your ex is, no doubt his aim in turning your DM against you was financially motivated. He had all he could from you, and was moving onto her.

@Sunflowers67

See, I told you the anger would come!

Just let it burn deep down in your belly until it becomes a roaring fire. Then use that fire to light your determination to get free.

Keep a list of all the shit he's done. Fold it up and put it in a drawer. If you feel the fire dying or any feelings of sympathy or responsibility for him start to surface, take it out and read it!

Write down all the horrible things he did and said. When you feel even a glimmer of sadness, read them. He's such a vile individual

Update
At long last we have contact from his solicitor.
Completely ignored my 'buy out' offer or selling the property.
Instead, he denies all allegations I have made and is considered safe to return to the property in a few weeks time once the charges are dropped and he is no longer on a restraining order.

1. The police say the investigation is ongoing and has not even gone to the CPS yet - apparently it can take months and months and for all that time the restraining order stays in place.
2. Very presumptuous that all the charges will be dropped
3. You have to ask WHY? Why would you want to be anywhere near such a nasty, lying, vile woman that made up all these horrendous lies about you when you could just have your money and bugger off and get your own place?

I think we all know why - punishment, control, watching me, making me pay in whatever way he can and all within the law.
This man is a drunken, angry, mentalist who more than likely will avoid prosecution, will legally be allowed back into the home and who will see that as 'winning & showing' me that I cannot mess with him.

If this is the outcome after everything I have been through then I am leaving - I will not and cannot go through that again with him.

What an utter knob! I bet you couldn't care less about his sad, unkempt appearance now! What does your solicitor say about this?

He's never admitted he's in the wrong, not ever, not with you or his Ex, he sees no reason to change the habits of a lifetime @Sunflowers67 .

I have left it with my solicitor along with a million reasons why he must not/cannot come back near me.
I just hope they do prosecute.

Sadly, I wish I had waited longer to be physically assaulted by him. No one can doubt the external bruises but the internal ones are hard to prove...and if you didn't know him you'd think he was so kind and caring and probably feel sorry for him
.

My god, what a wrong’un this man is. What a nasty piece of work, you have put up with a lot over many years. I don’t know much about prosecution etc but wishing you all the best for the next steps to come

@Sunflowers67

He's a fucking piece of work, isn't he? It's hard to decide if he's deluded, insane, or just your garden variety asshole. Probably all three.

If you have serious concerns that he will end up being released and allowed back in the house I'd suggest you make contingency plans now in the event that you find you need to leave.

Get important papers and valuable and sentimental things out of the house now, don't wait until it becomes a reality.

Go room by room and take a video inventory of the house so you know exactly what's there, where it is, and in what condition. Don't forget closets and loft.

I don't remember if you have joint finances, but if so, gather together cash or purchase gift cards for life's necessities. And then get them stored out of the house. Purchase cards for a supermarket, a department store, as well as a home improvement store. This can tide you over with necessities. You can include the purchase in 'regular shopping' so it just shows up on banking as a purchase.

If you have separate finances, be sure you have changed ALL your passwords. In fact, if you use the same bank I'd consider moving my accounts. If you have joint finances, open an account for yourself and move money there (your solicitor can advise you on this).

Pack and stash 'go bags'. These are packed with a few days worth of clothing, medications, toiletries, and necessities. Enough to get you & Mum out and to a hotel for a few days.

As far as him ignoring your buy out offer, let him. Hopefully his solicitor can talk some sense into him. But if not, a sale can legally be forced if necessary. It will take time and money, but it can be done. I know it's not what you want in the long run, but needs must when the devil drives.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Take a breath and remember you're in this for the long run.

#AcrossthePond55
Wow - some really useful advice there, thank you so much.
I know what Tom Cruise must have felt like in 'Mission Impossible'.

Joking aside, I just find it so hard to believe that after all that, if they decide to not prosecute, then this absolute mental lunatic can still terrorise me.
I get it - he is a co owner but why did I bother going through all this just to end up back at square 1? It seems wrong, unfair, unjust and every other 'un' imaginable.

I am probably going to have to do a moonlight flit with the car full of mine and mum's treasured possessions, kiss goodbye to there being a business left or even a decent home to sell by the time he has vented his anger and frustration on it all, leave my animals....oh it just doesn't bear thinking about :-(

Or, I grow a big pair, get a very thick skin and a stronger bedroom door lock and just wait it out until he snaps again, call the police again and go through round 2.

I could get a lodger? A big male one living in the spare bedroom. One of my kids could move in for a while?

I have to stay positive, not allow this to bring me down again - he owns a part of the house. He does not own me and a year from now I will not be in this position.

Genuine question, what happens if one party refuses to sell their share? Would @Sunflowers67 have to take it to court (and then the sale proceeds would probably be eaten up in legal costs)? Is there not a better way?

Hi @Sunflowers67apologies if I’ve missed this in the thread, but was he released with bail conditions or did the police serve him a Domestic Violence Protection Notice (DVPN)? I’m happy to help answer any questions about police investigations or CPS charges if you want to PM me xx

Op what a road you’ve been down, one familiar to me. Wishing you strength and the happiness and peace you deserve 💐

I think start the legal move to get the house by now.

Interestingly, my counsellor pointed out that we are now entering the realms of 'financial abuse & control' also - blatantly ignore the offer of a buy out or selling the property and lets go for something completely different to what she wants and something that will throw her into misery and confusion all over again.
The relationship is over/ended/finito but lets stall and hang on longer to show her who the boss is still. I may even choose to wave at her every morning.....

Seeing my solicitor in a couple of days to discuss the options - there are only two as far as I am concerned - accept the buy out or accept the property sale.

Both of which you will have to force him via court.

You need advice from your solicitor on how to achieve him having to pay all legal inc court costs if he stalls etc.

Don’t rack up solicitor letter fees my repeatedly asking them to write on your behalf. Find out the step by step legal process and you write directly to his solicitor and let him pay £ for the privilege of his abuse not you.

Why are you getting married? Who owns the house, was it bought jointly or did one of you have it before the relationship began? I would leave and am puzzled why you want to get married unless the house is in his name.

Read.the.thread.

Literally!!!

@Sunflowers67

My son is now in the midst of a pretty messy divorce (she cheated) so I'll give you the advice I gave to him a few days ago. When it comes to your head, listen to your solicitor. When it comes to your heart, listen to your counselor. I think you'll find that, in the end, they're both giving you good (and often identical) advice.

And remember 'this too shall pass'. It doesn't pass on our timeframe nor on the road we want it to, but it does pass.

Hello Sunflowers, my name is Rainbows.
I stumbled upon your posts last night, and have been utterly 'hooked' reading them since.
Your history sounds very much like mine, as I too, have had some awful ex's. The last of whom, I had finally kicked out approximately 4 years ago now (met on POF).
I vowed not go to looking for love ever again and have I taken solid steps in finding myself.

I have since gone back into education and gained my GCSE's as well as a diploma in human biology, sociology and psychology. And I am now just finishing year one of my three year university degree in nursing.
I have children and I often get people asking me "how do you do it with children?". But if I am completely honest, it is so easy, compared with what I had to live with when I was with the children's father.
Back then I lived with constantly being told how stupid I was, how sensitive and crazy I was. Always being ignored, and being made to feel like I was crazy if I ever spoke up or called him out on anything. Always reminding me if I ever decided to leave, then he would take the kids from me because the courts would see I'm crazy and no way would let me have them. He would say no man would ever have me because I'm fat and ugly and disgusting, and with kids in tow - he always laughed at that notion when he said it, as if the idea of a woman with kids was utterly ridiculous for him to even comprehend.
I still play things he said, over in my head almost daily, things that he used to say to me constantly.
I am still very much healing. It's only recently dawned on me how much damage was caused to my self esteem and my mentality from the constant verbal and mental abuse.
I'm learning to love myself again, and the kind caring, light hearted, loving girl I am is allowed out to play at last. She had been locked away for so long, not allowed to be herself. Always told how useless she was, and anything she did was not good enough, along with criticised for even breathing or simply existing.
I can feel the layers of grief and abuse that had stacked up over the years lifting. I always told myself that I would never ever be affected by negative treatment from man. Yet, I look back and see how I had become hardened by it all.
Thankfully I had the courage to say "enough" to it and ended it when I did, or I think I would have snapped, which would have delighted him.
There were years of debt stacked up when I was with him. Debts due to not being able to make ends meet, because he was too lazy to work, or give me money to help feed the family and pay the bills, when he did work.
He always, always put himself first, taking himself away on holiday abroad with his dad and brothers, several times a year, leaving us at home, scrimping. There are so many stories I could go into, but I'm still healing and I don't want to open up wounds that are finally settling or else they will sit on my mind, going round and round until I go to sleep. I have made peace with everything in the past that has been said and done to me. They no longer riddle my brain with grief. Those chapters of my life have been put to bed. They don't consume me anymore.
I have cleared every single debt, on my own. And I tell myself daily how well I'm doing. I can literally feel the weight of my depression lifting. I have PTSD, and suffer with anxiety, that are both ingrained into my brain. There is nothing I can do about that, but I'm sure they will fade, like old scars, over time. Everything else; the patterns of feeling rubbish, automatically putting myself last, putting myself down - I can talk myself out of. I am slowly feeling more worthy.

Your writing is very warming for me in so many ways.
I am mentally invested in your story and I send virtual hugs and words of encouragement to you, because I know how hard it is for you.
Our stories are so very similar - at one point when reading your posts, I genuinely questioned for a split second, whether someone was playing tricks on me and they had set up an account to mock me, pretending to be me - to show me a mirror view of what I had been going through. (I know, utterly crazy!) It literally was like reading my own life.

So, I couldn't read all of that - reading everything you had been and are still going through, without reaching out to you to show you my support.

Looking back on my life, I have had everything thrown at me that you could imagine, and it made me stronger. It sounds very idealistic, but I have literally risen from the ashes, like a phoenix.
I love my life. My children (all four of them) are all thriving - my whole life has been dedicated to them and their wellbeing and happiness, and in making sure they are happy and well rounded and not affected by anything (shielding them from negative behaviours aimed at me from my ex) - I am so very proud of them and their achievements, and they are proud of me.
Finally I am taking the time to fulfil my dreams and love myself more.
Our house is so loving, warm and very cosy. There is so much love and happiness here now.
Anything that doesn't please me, I give no thought to. I've wasted forty five years pleasing others and I was rewarded with depression, anxiety and PTSD. So, no more sister!

I wish you well and pray you get to start the next chapter in your life soon. That's when your happiness will flourish.
Lots of love
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