I need a good rant - advice also helpful!

[Sunflowers67]

So, we have been together about 15 years now - living together for 14 of those.
I always knew he was a little 'quirky' but I suppose with family, friends, busy career, I was able to handle it better.
Now, we are both semi retired, my dad passed away so my mum lives with us (not easy, but what else can an only child do), the kids have left home and his 'quirky' little ways are far more noticeable, annoying and darn right hurtful at times.
We are also due to get married in two weeks and I don't think I'm gonna do it. It wont bother him if we don't, he'll just shrug his shoulders and carry on as usual. He wont leave our home or threaten to end the relationship - he never does. Sometimes I wish there would be a huge display of emotion and anger and then we can both just shout at each other, get it out of our systems and then communicate and repair. But he doesn't communicate, he never sees a problem and I am increasingly becoming immune and unfeeling towards him - I suppose its a form of self protection.
We have separate bedrooms, seperate interests and I would say we have lived together like two mates for years - except I don't treat my mates like this.

So, what does he do that is so bad? he doesn't drink much, he is not a cheat, he is not secretive, he would help anyone (except me), he tolerates my mother living with us, he gets on well with my grown up kids (he chooses not to see his family).
He has no emotions, he cannot 'read a room', he doesnt know when I am sad or worried or down as he cannot recognise body language or facial expressions. I have felt for quite some time that he is maybe autistic (his son is, which is why he chooses not to see him - he cant handle the skewed thoughts and strange behaviours from him and never did when he was a small child - the boy was raised by his alcoholic mother, we tried for custody but because we didn't get it, my other half then decided to not see the boy).
Not my style of parenting, but it was his choice.
Now, as we are getting on in years and my health has taken a down turn, I need his support and understanding more. And it isn't there. But then it never was.
I spend my days doing my own thing around the large property that we have - if we try and do something together, gardening, cleaning, maintenance, he just gets frustrated that I'm not doing it his way! So we work separately.
Many a time I have tried to talk to him and he takes it so personally, gets angry, wants very specific examples of how his behaviour has hurt me - and even if I do remember specifics, he then disputes it and turns it all around so as its me with the problem.
Then I am the one more upset, the one staying in my room wondering how my life amounted to this? And what dooes he do whilst I'm upset? He is carrying on as normal, in his own little world. He'll put some music on, he will sing and whistle and be merry. I suppose in his mind, this is me being me - moody, upset and I will snap out of it in a few days. Which I do. The hurt dissipates a little so I carry on functioning normally again - I will talk to him, I will get busy and then round we go again. Same old same old.
I have given up trying to talk to him, I know it does no good. I have tried to get us into some counselling but no where near me does 'couples counselling' - he is willing to go if I find somewhere. He is probably hoping that a counsellor will point out 'the error of my ways'.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't bother him that we are like this - that he is not upset, he doesn't try to talk to me about us, there is just nothing there with him.
I am upstairs now, typing this, and I can hear him downstairs singing away, happy and joyful. I feel like I want to go downstairs and hit him with the large skillet and scream 'feel that buster?!' - I wont, I'm not a violent person. But god does he bring out the worst in me.

Going our separate ways is probably the best option but its quite a scary thought to go it alone after 15 years - and then splitting all the assets, looking after mother, tending to this large place/or even having to sell it and split the proceeds, lawyers. He also would not leave the home so we would be living in more hell until everything was finalised and I am the only one that feels the pain of that.

I suppose I really want us/him to change. And I'm old enough to know that wont happen - been there/divorced that many years ago.

Thank you for letting me offload.

Strange old few days of keeping busy, reading yet more articles about this sort of 'stuff' - not sure why 'domestic abuse' doesn't quite roll off my tongue yet as that was what it was.
I think it has been three weeks since I last saw him or heard from him so at least he is complying with the DVPO and I have relaxed a lot more at home.
I think he was either going to get really nasty/angry immediately after it was served or after a few days stewing on it all. I have a feeling that he has now gone away utterly convinced that I am mental and that he is best off without me anyway. After all, he could never see or take accountability for his previous actions and behaviours, it is unlikely to start now.

Lots of little memories and thoughts pop into my head at random times so I'm getting rid of them on here:
Superior attitude to everything - he knew better than everyone except for some very odd people that he had a sort of 'hero worship' for - he would talk about them as if they were legends/gods and yet they really were nothing extraordinary.
I have the problem with alcohol - this was said many times to me. I have the problem in that I am hyper sensitive to the smell of it and it would be insane of me to expect any man not to drink at all (that is not what I ever said or asked of him - I simply did not like being around an aggressive drunk).
I was only joking! You are so sensitive! - nasty comments and suggestions, cajoling for sex, taking photos of me when I was crying to show people what a miserable 'C' word he was with - but of course that was all a joke.
No emotional connection or feelings of intimacy during sex - no holding or hugs afterwards - it was a function, release, robotic and for him only. Rare occasions when he appeared to want me to experience some pleasure was a 'trade off'. Afterwards it would always be 'oh it's my turn now' as he got to do what he enjoyed and I didn't.
There was never any foreplay, no romance, no 'lovemaking' - it was straight to the main event, here I come ready or not!
Grudges were very long lasting these included close family members and ex partners, although he never went into detail as to what they had done to wrong him so badly, except to be 'mental' and he never wanted them in his life again. However, he always said that if he won the lottery, he would want the publicity just to 'show them' how well he had done.
Do things his way or you are on your own couples who work together and are involved in projects together will discuss ways of doing things, plan, design, discuss. Not him. Anyone else's ideas (usually mine) were met with scorn, criticism and eventually he would walk away and say "all yours then - I want no further involvement" - usually for the most minor thing. Then I would be on my own doing this task for eternity rather than working together on it.
Conspiracy theories so many to list and recall but myself and some very intelligent/well educated family members were usually dumbfounded by some of the things he came up with. He would spend forever putting across an argument that had so many holes in it, but he would never see it. He would end up calling us all 'stupid and gullible'.
Driving you know we all hit that 'imaginary brake' when you are a passenger in a car or have a sudden intake of breath as you speed up behind another car and wonder if the driver of your car has seen them? "Jesus. I'm a professionally trained driver. I can drive better than you but I will pull over if you want to have a go" - very angry at me. Other times he would pat my leg and say "Sorry about that. Thanks for warning me".
I was not a nervous passenger, I am a very good driver and he has never had professional driver training.

That's enough of him for today! Just more reading for me during those wibbly wobbly moments.

You are doing so well, it is so hard to understand abuse and then to further acknowledge that it happened.

Writing it all out is so helpful.
Remembering all the negatives can be hard to do, on a training course I went on once about mental health, the trainer said that the brain processes negative and traumatic events first so it can be hard to recall them in great detail and they never seem as bad further down the line.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage but didn't realise. I knew my husband was an arse and had lots of emotional affairs but I blamed his childhood and his poor mental health.
I even used to work with people who had suffered DV.
I finally had enough of the emotional affairs and ended my marriage and about 3 months later I was talking to a friend and suddenly like a lightning bolt it hit me that I had been in an abusive marriage.
I think we go in to survival mode and just do whatever we can to get through 🩷

I can't recall if you've mentioned before where you met as you seem at opposite ends of a spectrum and he just seems like a not nice person but clearly there was something at the start for you to like him.

I think as you list the things he did you realise that lots of them are actually red flags that you overlooked.
I believe that everything in life teaches us a lesson and these things you list are good lessons.

Never trust a man who doesn't put your pleasure above his - life is far too short😂

I can't recall if you've mentioned before where you met as you seem at opposite ends of a spectrum and he just seems like a not nice person but clearly there was something at the start for you to like him.

I met him via online dating, I was lonely, needy maybe - we had a fun date and I found him attractive so we saw each other again and again. After 3 months he moved in with me due to a problem at his accommodation. Then I got thrown into the maelstrom of his baggage, tried to help him, made allowances for some red flags as he was having a tough time - the usual. Me trying to fix someone.
We did have some great times, we had some fabulous times but we also had so many bad times - always my fault for being sensitive, emotional, depressed.
It was all there - I just didn't see it or wouldn't see it.

I wish you'd been on MN then Op, the needing to move in after 3 months because of accommodation problems, that's such a classic red flag

Nobody falls in love quicker than a man with accommodation problems.

Have you heard of the book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl?
I really think you would benefit from reading it.

I brought it after I left my husband and got in a new relationship with someone who said he was emotionally unavailable after his wife cheated on him.
I genuinely thought the book would help me understand him better...but what it did was help me understand why I picked emotionally unavailable men.

I am also a fixer/Florence Nightingale and the book made for interesting reading.

I'm now in a much better place and when I dated after that relationship ended I was very quick to discard those men who needed fixing as I wanted to leave that dynamic behind but at times I could feel myself drawn in sometimes.

I do occasionally do it now with acquaintances and friends but the difference now is I recognise it quite quickly and stop myself. It's very liberating not to be in a constant state of trying to fix people.

Everything in life teaches us a lesson and I definitely think this relationship has taught you so much 🩷

Have you heard of the book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl?
I really think you would benefit from reading it.

Thank you - off to the delights of Amazon now to have a hunt for it - my next bedtime read for my journey towards enlightenment 😀

I met with an acquaintance today - I cannot really call her a friend (yet) but I know she is about 10-15 years older than me and had lived with her mum until recently when she passed away. She is lonely and floundering in the house on her own, never been lucky in love, has health problems, financial worries and generally growing old on her own (apart from a cat) - it struck me that I was looking at my future and, although I don't usually indulge in self-pity or 'what-ifs' I saw myself in a few years. It was quite scary and left me feeling a little sad.

I think it's about time that little girls (and boys) bedtime stories were all about the princess that stayed single because all the princes were absolute tossers - it would prepare us for this adulting lark much better.

Shake it off Sunflowers and get some sleep!

Your life is what you make it and your life seems pretty great and would be pretty perfect once the ex has gone forever.

This acquaintance might be unhappy and lonely but you don't have to be.
There are lots of older single ladies who are loving life.

I'm in my mid 40's and have cultivated a life of my own with various friends/acquaintances and groups.
Any partner I have needs to enhance my life and not be my life.

It is unfortunate that the media and story books portray happiness as only coming from a partner/relationship which is so far from reality.

I do think younger generations think being single is absolutely fine and don't need a partner so I am hopeful for the next generations that come who won't need to stay in relationships that don't wok and can be single and that society will accept that.

I know that your life right now is busy with work and your Mum but what else do you have?
Friends? Acquaintances? Hobbies etc
It's definitely time to start cultivating new things in your life and definitely weigh up what each new thing brings to your life - this acquaintance should be a positive influence for you, I appreciate she may wish to talk about her life but you don't want her to bring you down if all she does is bemoan her life.
I have let negative friends go as they are often caught in a perpetual cycle of only seeing negative things even when they have positive things going on and I'm trying to harness as much positivity in my life as possible.

Friends, hobbies, a life? No not really - all I ever focused on was work and him.
I am starting to re-invent myself a little at a time.

I have joined a meditation group one evening, which is lovely - sitting in the fields and surrounded by nature and peace. I have joined an adult ed class starting in June for one afternoon, I am reading more, gardening more, getting the house de-cluttered and re-painted (very slowly, but I'm doing it). Generally taking more 'me' time than I ever had before. Self soothing I think is the phrase and I am doing that. I joined a 'wild swimming' group too as I thought the plunging into ice cold water would be a bit like 'electric shock therapy' and help to re-wire my brain - but I haven't plucked up the courage to do it yet - not sure if its the thought of the cold water at 8am or the new group of people, or both.

I really don't feel depressed at all - if anything I feel lighter, more at peace, well adjusted, balanced - it just comes with a 'but' hanging over it, just hovering there in the background. I think its still that little voice that is telling me to worry about him, to wonder if it was all me, did I make him worse in some way - and I stress that the voice is whispering now rather than shouting.

I don't think I'm very good at making friends - maybe 'only child syndrome' - I like my own company and I enjoy it usually.

I'll just keep taking one day at a time.

@Sunflowers67
It takes time. You're having to relearn how you live. You are doing brilliant.
For ages after my split I would walk into Tesco and my first thought would be what would he want for tea 🙄
Can I gently nudge you on the wild swimming? It's a real energiser.

#S0j0urn4r I'm not sure a gentle nudge is what I need - more a full body shove into the water!
I don't really want to get all my flesh out in front of strangers either - and I'm not wearing a wetsuit for anyone! I think my swimsuit is so old its in danger of disintegrating as soon as it hits the water - which would make me memorable but for all the wrong reasons 😁- I'd also need to get the cordless strimmer charged up before I get my winter fur out in public!
Maybe I will join them this week and just wear shorts, go in up to my thighs and say hello to everyone.

Your last post made me laugh.

Is it a woman's only group (I know a lot of them are) I promise you they won't care wot shape or size, or what jungle you have growing from your swimming costume. These clubs are full of likeminded people who are welcoming to all.

Good luck please keep us posted how you get on.

I'm wondering why you made him front and centre of your life so quickly?
I definitely think reading the book I suggested will be a real help.

It's great that you have lots of things going on and so much to make your heart sing 🩷

I do wild swimming, most is not so wild and involves the sea.
I find that just walking along the shore line and having the waves lap against my feet and lower legs gives me an invigorated feeling....not as much as a full submerge but it tops up my invigorating cup.
Could you start off with that?

Nowadays I get in any water any chance I get even if it's just a paddle.
The hottest sea temperature is in September and the coldest is March so we're now coming up to the warmest times.
If you are river swimming that's very different.

Could you take your costume in the shower with you and have a thrash about to make sure it doesn't fall apart😂
Although I have been known to do naked sea dipping under a full moon 😱

Taking one day at a time is absolutely perfect when you've experienced trauma...no need to rush anything.

I don't go wild swimming, but I was really nervous of going to the pool after decades of not swimming. In the end I wore a swimsuit from the same company where I get my bras so I knew it would be all contained, then I put swim shorts on top and then I put a swim tshirt thing on top of that - so i am covered from neck almost to my knees. People might think I look odd, but nobody has said anything. Also you only have to shave your lower legs - in fact I haven't bothered.

Lots of helpful tips there, thank you.

I'm not very overweight - just enough to lower my body confidence, along with the ageing body and the rugby players knees. I'm not sure why this appealed to me now - I never really considered the logistics of it all.

Its mainly lake swimming - and its a mixed group so getting my flesh out in front of any man after so many years is nerve wracking.

I wonder if they will think me odd if I get someone to wheel me to the waterfront in one of those Victorian bathing huts 🤔or I 'bunny hop' it to the edge in a sleeping bag before gracefully sinking in - I'll probably be their first ever drowning victim.

I have had a look online and the swimsuits are all gold lurex things not consisting of much material at all - and I'm not paying £60 to be covered by something little more than two bits of dental floss.
Those skirted ones with all the scaffolding are probably a bit too much for me.

I think it may be easier to just join a basket weaving class.

I can also help with the basket Weaving....I organise workshops for people to basket weave and I have 3 of them so far.

I definitely think wild swimming is easier 😱

If neither are good for you I suggest you stick with coffee and cake, surely no harm can come 😂

In my sea dipping group there is a huge mix of ages and sizes. We are a mixed group and honestly no one cares.
I love the inclusivity of the group, some wear wet suits and some wear normal swim wear and no one is made to feel different.

It's so hard to get a 'normal' costume for actual swimming rather than a 'holiday' costume.

The fact that he abandoned his autistic son would speak volumes to me

I regularly dip in the sea (not much swimming tbh mostly dip float walk chat) and honestly it’s all shapes and sizes giggling chatty or quietly floating. I’ve had some long sleeved swim costumes off Amazon (from China) for £20 plus wear shorts. Wetsuit booties & gloves too. Honestly no one gives a crap what you wear just the smile on your face. Please be brave give it a try if you think it’s something you’d like. I’ve encouraged a couple of women all in their early 50s to try and all loved it for mental health benefits

I’ve got one like this and do wear a bra underneath as my boobs are big but just take it off underneath a cheap towel poncho. You can wear shorts or leggings over it. www.amazon.co.uk/Ruuione-One-Piece-Surfing-Swimsuit-Swimwear/dp/B09R4C8DV2/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=36NP8FZXMZGHH&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.i-HSaOV8H_kbE-jKUNdTYrT7RelYv2iHEb2Nk8KBImsAIBQi2ysbWFl0oCpk6f9C1mkvbFamEe4nonX1eO5nWsxLmT064FQH045yqSeqNYfv8dBHwKv1jG_w0cXeTTjfWSNpvoEMKarTbDk2Y1f7RjVyuDSI4qAsY7byKRHpg-MHWMXH8mbPf92EjiuB_u1E0GWtES6-p3mxIV2OWZUSUyOuHknq0WzaFZZnQOZO06bM3S6bO_hyEo_bKXMVAQtrnku6LdB6l3BZBWzsM7mWiBM1V03n4HsAzvSkN_iQ8b8.kXnm8THcM2pD_Y1CnrlfcAyCeFR2vgYLNeSuLi5-Aj4&dib_tag=se&keywords=long+sleeve+swimsuit+women&qid=1747891430&sprefix=long+s%2Caps%2C99&sr=8-4

He never instigated 'relationship repairs/improvements' - its almost like he just sat back and observed when we had the usual troubles that anyone would have.

We started 'date night' a few years back, at my suggestion, but he would never organise it or make suggestions what we did. His reason being that he would only get it wrong, that he was no good at making decisions and he would only end up being criticised by me. I have really soul searched here as to if I ever criticised him about anything - I didn't. I'm not a critical person. More than anything I wanted him to take some control and responsibility for the relationship, rather than it all being on my shoulders.
He would say that it was obviously me feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship so it was down to me to fix it. He would demand that I list what was wrong - being very specific with examples - which of course is very difficult to do.
On the rare occasion whereby I could do that and tell him how much that particular behaviour had hurt me, he would take offence, say I was mental and refuse to discuss it further.
Then he would be unavailable as he had been "wounded by my criticism".
Healthy, normal couples should be able to talk to each other about ways to improve their relationship, they should both be invested in it and care about it.

The amount of energy that was taken up with all that - no wonder my body was in so much pain, frequent migraines, tummy upsets, exhaustion both physical and mental. My body was screaming at me that this was just wrong - it was in a survival mode and I wasn't listening.

Physically, I feel so much better now. The emotions are a work in progress but Rome wasn't built in a day.

I think I was also brought up to believe that men don't discuss emotions and are not capable of actively sorting problems of the heart. My previous two relationships (also very unhealthy) were with emotionally stilted men. My dad was all for a quiet life so he just left everything to my mother - both of them were not forthcoming with the 'I love you' or similar endearments.

Interestingly, I was at a group meeting last night and we have one chap there - I was absolutely floored by how easily he talked about his feelings, the insight he had, the emotional intelligence he displayed. I've never met a man like that! It was a huge WOW moment for me. He is also very kind and thoughtful - he helps us older birds with our chairs, he will offer a hand to get up if we have been sat on the floor, he asks people how they are......I'm still thinking about it today. That was such a new experience for me.

I’m so glad your group is giving you insight into how uneven your relationship has been. For context my DH & I are both a mix of autism & adhd. We have our patterns and routines but underlying it all is kindness towards each other. Being ND is not an excuse for being unkind , mean or unsupportive. Your DP really doesn’t come across as very kind, funny or supportive and we ALL deserve to have people who radiate not drain us. I hope with time you find what you need whether it’s a happy solo life doing the things that bring you joy or a new partnership that is built on a more even base.

Bad couple of days feeling like I am existing in this weird numbness.

Questioning if I have done the right thing, maybe I should drop the charges against him, what if he is not coping/suicidal/starving somewhere. I try to chase these thoughts away, get busy, go for a long wet and windy dog walk - and then they are back.
I think it may be because I have just had contact with the police again - they have been too busy to pop out and check on me, they don't have the resources to do the proper video statement that they wanted to do so I have to go to the police station again for a few hours whilst someone writes it all out. I don't want to relive it all again. I don't want to tell it all to strangers with their trained, mock sympathy.

I just wonder if its all worth bothering with? The stress I know it will put on me and then for what? Its very unlikely to result in a court case let alone a prosecution. He didn't physically hurt me so there is no evidence other than my word against his and my journals, I don't even want to face him in court as I know I will just crumple and be a snotty sobbing mess.
So why even bother pursuing this?

When I agreed to press charges it was on the day when he had scared me yet again. I was really scared, I was in pieces, I was exhausted, I just wanted someone to help - I pretty much agreed to anything and everything just for some help. And they did help, they got him away from me for the foreseeable future.

I think what I really want to make this feel better is for some 'back to the future' type time machine with a magic personality altering box. They have taken him away for three weeks, put him in the box and adjusted all those malfunctioning bits of his mind and brain and personality and have now returned him to me as an improved human being......."here you are Sunflowers, this is 'Stanley' mark 2 - you can now get on with your lives together and live out all those plans and dreams together in happiness".

Ggggggrrrrrrrrr - going to pull up some weeds and clean the car.

Am sorry you are having a bad couple of days. At crisis point you were in flight or fight mode so did what you could to end it. Your energy is different now and the situation is slower moving but still not resolved.
Is there someone from women’s aid or a domestic abuse charity that you could speak to who could help you work through whether or not you want to press charges? You cannot be the only person to have faced this dilemma.

No No No

he is NOT your responsibility !!!

IF you withdraw your statement HE WILL BE BACK IN YOUR HOUSE !!!

YOU are safe right now - keep it that way !!!

and why would you be a snotty crying mess in court - you will stand proud and loud and be the strong woman you are

and see justice for yourself

this is the man that is being given a third of your home and half of your business because you felt sorry for him

he is not the victim in this
YOU ARE

and do you know what

if this rapist bully did take his own life, it would be no loss to anyone

one of his wives actually had to pay him off !!!

Be brave and continue the fight. You are like a person who struggled to find an umbrella in a heavy rainstorm, puts it up, and then decides since you are dry under it that you don’t need it and should throw it away. Its still raining!

As for the police—they need to be used, like a muscle, or they atrophy. What you do you do for yourself and for other women. You need to keep protecting yourself and in so doing you will protect other women. Thats important too.

As for this man: get real. He has always fallen on his feet. He will again. Just be determined he will not fall at yours.

Read back through your thread if you need a reason to continue. Are your kids or anyone IRL able to support you through this process?