DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

Yup. I remember asking my ex how he hid all his spending from me, as I hadn’t seen a lot of it. He went off on a long explanation of how he would get stuff shipped to his work, remove tags and bags there and then smuggle his purchases up to his wardrobe or into his home office or whatever.

As he was talking, I watched his face and realised he was enjoying telling me because he thought he’d been so clever in getting away with it. I bet the OP’s partner secretly felt smug that he’d pulled the wool over her eyes successfully. Vile.

I keep seeing everyone say that as you are married his debt is 50% yours and just to say I don’t think it’s that straightforward.

My DF did this to my DM but lost everything (the house, all their savings, the cars, everything) and had 55k worth of credit card debt. She divorced him immediately and was legally allowed to keep 100% of her own personal savings despite him being made bankrupt.

So it’s certainly not a given that the debt will be yours. Good luck x

You need to find a way to leave him and cut ties as far as possible. He will never, ever change. I'm really sorry OP, that's awful for you and children involved.

What a bloody shit father and husband. And the calculated deceit! Are these all non secured lines of credit? Or has he had any debtors put a charge against the house? Whatever he says, you cannot trust him to be honest with you.

If he’d been desperate to keep a business afloat and pay staff wages, then that would still be awful but could be fixed. But when you’ve gambled away that much money, it’s gone way past a little flutter and into a full blown addiction. And what happens when you need to gamble but can’t get credit? You borrow money from the sort of people who you do NOT want knocking at your door for the repayments.

Definitely legal advice. Please also remember that the impact of divorce on the kids is always, always going to be easier than having some bloke knocking at the door for a ‘chat’ at 2am. Or bailiffs turning up to take the tv and their games consoles.

Your life isn’t ruined and their lives aren’t ruined. You can extradite yourself and get yourself back to where you want to be financially. But only if you separate yourself from this man, because he is ruining his life and he clearly has no qualms about taking you with him.

He's not a great Dad. Great Dads don't do this to their partner and DC. For me this would be divorce. You earn far more than him and save so the family can have things and he takes the piss and runs up the debt. I'd be bloody furious with him and not be able to see past the lies. If you stay together he'll just drag you all down. Gamblers rarely quit. Without him you could have a reasonable life. Do not worry about him. He didn't give you or his DC a second thought when he lied to you and placed those bets.

They were never an item. One night stand resulting in a child. They don't particularly get along but nothing too bad.

OP, I'm so sorry. I don't blame you for feeling completely overwhelmed.

I beg you to consult with a solicitor immediately (for avoidance of doubt, do this without your husband). Talking to a solicitor doesn't commit you to anything whatsoever beyond hourly fees for that meeting - it has absolutely no negative effect on your children or family. But delaying talking to a solicitor has the potential to cause serious additional harm if you don't know the options available to you and the potential repercussions of any actions you may take.

You said you're in Ireland? I would also strongly consider following the steps to request a notice of suspected impersonation for your central credit registrar record to make it harder for him to take out debt in your name.

You should also go ahead and temporarily move the contents of joint savings and checking accounts other than what he'll need for basic daily spending to accounts he doesn't have access to. This will still be a joint asset and you shouldn't spend this beyond your typical family spending, but moving it will keep him from doing anything else awful while you take time to sort through your feelings and options. If he objects tell him this is the most basic thing you need to even consider staying in the marriage and it isn't negotiable.

Yes. That's why OP needs a very quick divorce. OP could you divorce in another country to get it done quickly? The longer you remain married to this gambler the more the debts will rise.

Check he didn't take out the debt against your house or in joint names and forge your signature.

I felt sick reading your post, OP. My father was a gambler, had four young children and a wife to support and he lied and nearly lost the house for us. My Mum never really recovered from this and it blighted mine and my brothers' lives, we had no money in the family.

Your husband is a liar. He has children to support - an absolutely fundamental need - and he has failed to do that, he has built up debt and is now emotional because he expected you to help him. He has no integrity and no character, he has given himself over to selfishness and no thought for his family.

He will choose gambling over you and the children Every single time. Get him out now, however you have to do that. Ugh. Snivelling creep of a man.

I am so sorry. There is hope for you and your children but not with him in tow.

You bet your little cotton socks he's crying & upset, he thought you'd just pay the difference to bail him out.
But as said upthread, there will be more, his Brother/Mum/Mates will also be asking for repayment.
You just don't know where this stops, & maybe the heavies from the betting shop will be waiting & rough him up...

You cannot throw the babies out with the bathwater, Literally.
There is only one way to protect yourself & kids

My Dsis fell for this shit with not one but two men who she married. After the second one she called it quits bless her and said no more men ever. She could trust no one.

Just get a debt management company who will consolidate his debts and then they can be refinanced

or get a big loan to pay them all off

or voluntary bankruptcy

take his name off house tho

hes a disgrace

OP take this excellent advice

I'm sorry for what is happening but think of the kids and put them first. He wasn't thinking of the kids on his 10k jollies.
Where exactly did he go?
Do the best for you and the kids and get out of get him out. You are worth so much more than what he is giving you.

I've previously suggested counselling and apparently "talking doesn't help". I haven't suggested anything right now because I personally don't know if I can get over the whole thing. I feel guilty if I buy a packet of sweets without getting something for the whole family.

Do you mean here that you have previously mentioned counselling? Why has this come up in the past, what was the reason you thought you needed counselling?

No it doesn't this is unsecured personal debt in his name.
OP is not liable for it unless she allows him to remortgage in joint names or gets a loan in her name to pay it off.
It's his debt.

Speak to a solicitor this week. Follow the advice to protect yourself and get him out your life asap.

Are you sure that between the tech, holidays and gambling - that’s all it is? Gambling often goes in hand with other addictions, particularly alcohol and/or coke.

He needs to sign up for all the stop gambling sites there is, to start off. Secondly, he needs to address his impulsiveness and his addiction. You staying and helping him pay it off will be for nothing if these things aren’t tackled.

I don’t know, OP. I would be reconsidering everything, just because of the size of the lying and the fact he was okay with putting the children’s future at risk as well.

You know, the most shocking thing is that he didn't immediately hand control of the whole situation over to you and say that he understands if you wanted to split up because of it. Honestly, if I'd messed up THAT much with my DH, I would be devastated that I'd ruined our relationship forever, telling him how sorry I was and that I'd do anything to put it right, get a second job, cutting back all my personal spending completely, go and see a counsellor, sorting out GamStop, Gamblers Anonymous, giving my partner complete control of all my money (maybe including using only cash everywhere, and having my partner give me a very small set amount each week, ), all the logins to any online banking, credit card accounts etc, and just begging, begging, begging them to forgive me (but knowing ultimately that I may have jeopardised things forever, and that it was ultimately their right to choose whether to stay or go).

It really doesn't sound like he has done ANY of that list. I mean, instead, he has had the temerity to ask you to refinance - I mean, it's just laughable if it wasn't so bloody tragic.

My mum took the same approach - stayed with my emotionally and financially abusive father for the sake of me and my sister. Living in an unhappy home with a miserable mum and an abusive dad, even though the abuse was very hidden, has done far more lasting damage than any moment post divorce. I’m not saying it will be easy, but remember you are their earliest insight into what a healthy relationship is. Staying together when miserable to keep someone else happy isn’t healthy, even if those other people are your children. You’ve got this OP x

As others have said, OP, please brace yourself for further revelations. There may be more debt, much more. And think carefully about divorce.

Similar happened to two women I know. One struggled on for a short while but got the serious ick, got divorced and is now happily married to someone else. The other stayed with the husband and they remortaged. It would take A LOT for her to want to go it alone. Her DH has never been particularly charming, appealing or bright and really landed on his feet with her IMV. She always just really wanted to be married at any cost and made sure it happened with the first guy who came along in her 20s.

If you're not sure of what to do, don't feel that you have to rush yourself into (or be rushed into) a decision to stay or split. You feel how you feel. If you chose to stay for the moment but still can't look at him or want to be near him in time, then you can make a decision at that point. In the meantime he can speak to a debt service and find out possible ways out of the mess he stupidly created.

My ex did something similar years ago. He borrowed money to invest and lost most of it, by his account. He never consulted me before doing it, told me he did it afterwards, or told me what happened, until I happened upon that information by chance. When I did found out, I suggested a plan of action, but he would not do what I suggested should be done. Still claimed he knew what he was doing and, in the end, I agreed to support him. The only thing I did was to get a separate account to which my salary was being deposited, so this way, he did not have a control over my money any more. Even though I stayed and offered to help pay this back, he never apologized or accepted any kind of responsibly, but blamed me for “abandoning” him by opening personal account. I finally divorced him thirteen years later, but I never forgave myself for not walking away right there and then.This was a major red flag and I knew it, but I did not listen to my instincts.

thinking if I did try to help and refinance there's nothing at all stopping him from just doing it again.

This is exactly the reason to separate now, right away. Do not refinance his debts and stop any possibility of his ever doing this to you again.

He has stolen all these things from you. Separation followed by Divorce is the only way to protect yourself and your children.