DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

I had one like this. I remember being in tears and begging him to make a choice, me and the baby or gambling. And he shrugged. He very nearly ruined me. He didn't pay bills, left me with debt and didn't get it that he was making us insecure

I bet your DH has gambled more than he said. My ex used to chase losses and winnings. He never once brought home any winnings. It's the entitlement that got to me. Then after he left I found out he had an affair. Honestly the thought of him now makes my blood run cold. My DS and I have done so well. I've got a lovely home, car, career, financial stability and NONE of this would have happened if he had stayed.

Get rid of him. Do not pay off his debts.

I'm sorry to read you're going through this.
The emotional turmoil is so difficult to deal with.

From a purely financial point of view, I think I'd be tempted to use a little deception to extricate myself and limit the damage as far as possible.
Could you feign agreeing to help him and persuade him to sell the house and move to a small rented place together as part of a debt recovery plan?
Once freed from the mortgage, you could then initiate a separation and divorce.

I appreciate it would not be an easy route to take, either practically or emotionally, but it might stem the financial impact on you and give you a new start.

He spent ten thousand euro on a holiday that he convinced you was budget?! We've done a week's all inclusive in world renouned five star resorts for a family of 4 for that! The extravagance is baffling, but the lying to you and gaslighting you is so much worse.

That 50% would be my fear and you need to file and financially separate NOW before he racks up even more debt.

I'm so sorry

He convinced me it was a budget holiday because he sat next to me booking the flights & hotel. I watched him pay for them. But later he upgraded these using a credit card I didn't know existed.

@BudgetBuster ask to check your DH credit report too. There’s almost certainly more that he hasn’t told you about.

He should definitely approach some debt charities for advice. They can help to negotiate frozen interest, or repayment plans that your DH can afford. If he buries his head in the sand, the debt will become even more uncontrollable.

Do not refinance for him. He will just see this as the easy option, he’s a gambler, and will definitely gamble again if he doesn’t get help.

if he’s serious about being devastated by this, I can’t see why he wouldn’t be going to Gamblers Anonymous asap.

Gambling is evil, I'm amazed it's legal. Every advert on in the day is for online gambling.

I am owed almost a grand by a man who took money from people and instead of providing the service he spent it on gambling. Except he managed to blow the best part of half a million.

It just gets worse. No wonder you can't look at him, such calculated deceit

Has he run up personal debts in the past?

Can he get a second job, either in the evenings or weekends to pay off the debt faster?

He could but then I'd just be left working my ass off all day, 5 days a week and solo parenting every evening and weekend.... for years.

It would be over for me, this is too much deceit. Don't pay a single penny towards his debts. Like you said, he could do it all again. So many threads along similar lines on the Money matters board from women who've bailed their debt-ridden husbands out, worked themselves to the bones of their fingers, impoverished themselves and their dc, only for the men to repeat it all over again a few short years later. And like pp said, he may well have more debt hidden away.

I had similar in my relationship, ex who was always in debt, not to the same extent, but he was a money pit, I've no idea what he did with his money. In hindsight he was financially controlling also. I'm so glad to be out of it all. It's so liberating. My peace of mind is worth more to me than any man or marriage.

So very much calculated deception rather than accidental overspend (not that I can see how you could overspend to that degree!). I'm so sorry you find yourself here, you seem to have your head well and truely screwed on though, regardless of the relationship going forwards, do not make his debts yours, you didn't benefit from it, you're in one way or another going to suffer for it through a change in the future you had discussed and planned together, don't let him guilt you into compounding that by also becoming responsible for paying for his holiday, gambling and tech - none of which you wanted or benefited from, so why should you pay for?

Not that I know of. Only 3 years since our mortgage and nothing was flagged then. I've never had any reason to believe he was this deep in debt.

Even if you help him sort this out it will just happen again and again. So sorry.

Thanks everyone for responses. Pretty much as I imagined. I guess my real issue with just calling a lawyer and starting separation proceedings is the impact on the kids. But it's something I need to work out.

I just couldn't forgive that level of deceit and the solo holiday is him treating you with the utmost contempt.
In your shoes, I'd start by finding out for definite whether this is joint debt or his debt alone.
Check that he has told you the whole truth and that there aren't more credit cards with debt on. Also, find out if there is a way that he can disbar himself from obtaining any other credit cards etc in the foreseeable future. Believe it or not, these sorts of men can do the exact thing again!

As above I think your only option is divorce sorry. Out of interest why did he break up with his ex? Does he say it's because she was 'crazy' (that old chestnut)? I'm guessing his gambling habit and lies aren't anything new.

That would assume his night job would be seven nights a week, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. A couple nights a week would help, and maybe him stepping up with meal prepping.

My husband is a debt advisor.....Do not agree to refinance! He needs specific debt advice for your country.

OP, he isn't sorry about what he did, he is sorry you didn't fall for it and sort it out, because then he could take out even more credit and do it all again.

I was the idiot woman who sorted out her OH debts and thought it meant a fresh start.
He did it again and again.
I spent nearly 20 years, finding out about the debt, clearing the debt, finding out about the debt.
20 years of me budgeting to the penny at home, while he bought cases of champagne for his mates and pretended he could afford them at central London club prices.

By then, I didn't even realise how wrong it was.
Fortunately for me he got scared I couldn't fix it the last time and he ran off, leaving the debts to me of course.

Don't wait for the second (third, fourth, fifth) time, make sure this is the last.

He will break you down until you really can't even afford to eat and he still won't stop.
He left you and his own kids at home without a holiday while he upgraded himself to a better one when you were not watching. He doesn't really care about anything but himself.
They never do.

Its not the debt but the lying and the fact he only told you because he was found out thats the problem, followed by the emotional blackmail to get you to bail him out.

He isn't taking responsibility.

He never will.

I bet this is the same thing that sunk his previous relationship.

What am untrustworthy shit.

it’s not just the debt, it’s the careful lies just so he can be selfish .He convinced me it was a budget holiday because he sat next to me booking the flights & hotel. I watched him pay for them. But later he upgraded these using a credit card I didn't know existed.
you can’t get past this.

I don't understand posters who say 'It's not the debt, it's the deceit'. It IS the debt, AND the deceit. The deceit is part of the debt. As if women shouldn't care as much about money and their own financial security and that of their dc, and they shouldn't prioritise that over a man.

Hi OP so a further thought. I am afraid that so far there is a lot you did not know and it appears that he has told some quite significant lies. It is actually quite difficult to establish how indebted someone actually is and I think there is a chance that he still may not have been completely honest. If he has taken loans online there would be very limited documentation. I would be mindful there could be even more debt out there than he has told you about. Particularly if he is in denial about the gambling.

There is no way forward unless he genuinely wishes to address the gambling and overspending.