DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

Your story is very similar to mine… even if you move on you will never trust… feel free to PM me but please for you and your kids leave x

If you're married debt is joint debt.

No it isn't if it is unsecured and in one person's name.

Not in the UK and not in Ireland where OP is.

This is not correct in either Ireland or the UK. If the debt was taken out in one spouse's name and not secured by joint assets then it remains the legal responsibility of that spouse. That doesn't mean that OP's husband's debt won't affect her as long as they have joint finances (her DH is legally obligated to pay the debt and right now the funds he would use to pay his debts include their joint assets) but the debt does not equally belong to her.

Debts (regardless of whose name they're in) can be included as part of the joint assets and liabilities that are divided during divorce proceedings, but it's not automatic and debt that was taken out in one name in secret for the sole benefit of that person is likely to be one the courts would consider shouldn't be split.

That's very understandable about the children, OP, but maybe consider the impact on them if they're left with no proper home at all because of ghe financial destruction

The booking of the "budget" holiday and then secretly upgrading it were especially chilling and suggest you can't trust him at all no matter how "emotional" he is because he's been found out

Very obviously he's too far down this road to ever trust him again, so all you can do now is to look after yourself

I couldn't get over the calculation of the lying over the holiday - to book in front of you and them sneakily upgrade with a secret credit card...

I could sympathise with someone whose spending got out of control and crept up on them, even with a gambler who admitted a problem, but that's just deliberately, obscenely entitled and treating you like "a mark" and an enemy, not a wife.

Op literally says 'treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling)'.

“I've previously suggested counselling and apparently "talking doesn't help".”

He could be down on his knees promising to go to Gamblers Anonymous and I still don’t think I’d be convinced.

However, if he will not even consider addressing his gambling problem, that would be an absolute line in the sand for me.

To add the other perspective, gambling is a disease and lying, cheating and deception all come along with it. Your DH needs help to work on his addiction first and foremost.

My husband was a gambling addict and we managed to move past it with professional support, intervention by friends and family and some drastic financial measures. He hasn't gambled now for 10 years plus.

This isn't a popular opinion on mumsnet but people can change. Not always and it is a risk that only you can decide is worth taking.

I'm so sorry, @BudgetBuster , he sounds completely selfish.
He should be the one to dig himself out of this mess. Why should you work so hard and be the one to suffer financially? He needs to start selling his things, get a second job, it is not fair on you at all.

It's not just the gambling though.

I think the thing with the holiday is almost worse. He's not addicted to holidays.

💯 this. That was a very cold, calculated decision his part to deceive the op and swindle her and their dc to the tune of thousands. It gave me goosebumps to read how he booked a cheap holiday with op by his side, then upgraded to a holiday 10k worth, whilst telling everyone about his bargain break. monstrous, unforgivable behaviour.

Thanks for all the comments
Went to speak to him last night about separating but i couldn't stop crying looking at our toddler playing happily.
Hopefully today i can pull myself together.

That is so fucking deceitful. He could have still gone on the holiday for a fraction of the price but upgraded to the luxury version and deliberately deceived you. He now expects you to use your money to pay off his debts.

Surely, there is no coming back from this where your relationship is concerned?

I would recommend you look at credit scores, and if possible separate your finances (if they are joint). How much of the £20K has been spent on tech and a holiday, compared to the gambling? I suspect you will find a very large chunk has been on gambling. In which case, like all addicts they are good at lying, hiding and manipulation - the reality may mean he's in more debt than £20K. Are you sure he's been entirely honest regarding ALL debt he's currently got? Paying the debt back is only part of it, what steps has he taken to help with the gambling? If the route cause isn't established, then he will just keep continuing. For me personally, after being with someone who was useless with money, and the worry/stress it caused, means I would walk in this case.

She can't get a quick divorce and the only way to divorce elsewhere is to move there.
She can get a separation order.

Your DH didn't think about his gorgeous toddler when he was upgrading to a luxury holiday behind your back.

It's as though you are being targetted by a scammer, but one who lives in your house and who is supposed to love and care for you.

His tears are just for himself. He thought that you would take on his debts and is now realising that you might not do this and it will be his responsibility.

If it all went on gambling, that would be terrible, but it's an addiction and there is help for gambling addicts and support groups for their families. But most of this money was spent on luxuries just for him. He didn't pay for a luxury holiday for the whole family, just for himself. His selfishness is almost pathological.

This screams cheating, OP. I’d be very concerned there’s multiple issues going on with him.

OP has said how the money was spent:

25% gambling
50% holiday
15% snazzy tech

He does have a gambling problem but has a bigger 'spend money on luxury solo holidays and tech and not on my family' problem.

Addicts lie, there is 99% chance he has gambled more than he is telling you.

He needs to find a solution, What is he doing to fix this NOW?
Looking for a 2nd job ( Yes you'll be left with the dc but you would be if you divorced too.)
Is he selling his Tech? His car ? His bike ?
My guess is he sitting infront of his super computer playing games.

the op was crying, not the dh. he probably still thinks everything will be just fine and op will sort out his mess for him.

I wouldn't be surprised if he ups the ante from "getting emotional" to crying and threatening something desperate when OP tells him she won't take on the debt, tho.

At the moment he's probably still thinking she will.

It's bloody hard. Your toddlers life will change. Unfortunately, it will change when dept collectors are knocking on your door as well, when you can't afford basics and when your crying because you are living in a situation not of your own making. You didn't do this. Your H created this situation with selfishness, irresponsibility and deceit. Gambling is an illness that I wouldnt be prepared to live with. The 10k holiday was pure selfishness and ego (showing off to hos mates).

OP said that 'I told him that I don't think I'm comfortable refinancing the debt and he got quite emotional'. He only got upset when he realised that he probably couldn't rely on OP to sort it all out for him.