DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

What's that got to do with OP's situation/thread. Who cares.

I wasn't having it. If the debt is in his name only i'll leave him to it. Don't refinance as this would be enabling his addiction. He needs to feel the consequences. Close off all joint accounts or redirect where your money goes. Split the bills the same. Remove your name from any bill you're not responsible for.Squeeze him to get your share of the mortgage. You're essentially separating your finances. Scary if he gambles away the house

Correct, but in divorce proceedings DH can claim he’s unable to sustain the lifestyle to which he became accustomed to in marriage and therefore access a larger portion of the assets / an allowance from DW. It’s rarely as black and white as you’re indicating

Why join the thread when you haven't bothered to read it? Seems very bizarre..

Has your (D)H acknowledged he has a gambling addiction?

The thing with addictions is that he needs significant help to stop gambling. Even if he wants to stop, he won't be able to.
If you decide to stay with him, it means you will have to separate the finances into your name only and taking full control of all finances. Will he even do that?
And you will never be able to really trust him again.
One addiction is likely to be replaced by another, which you will also need to be able to manage.
When life gets tough for him, his impulse will be to turn back to his addiction or a new one e.g. smoking, alcohol or gambling again.
Are other members of his family also facing these issues?

I think you need to look after yourself and the children and you will need to attend counselling sessions about the gambling so you can hear the full extent of it and then relationship counselling to decide whether to stay with him or not. Neither will be an easy road. Think of your future and safeguard the financial part as much as possible in the meantime. The first thing you need to do is put whatever savings you have left into your own name. He will agree to this right now because he doesn't want you to leave him. Do it.

Sweetheart , for as long as you remain married to this man you will always be in debt of some kind and you will never have a days peace…… xx

This happened to someone in my family. I advised the wife to leave (run, even!) and she was very offended. ‘He’s such a kind man, it’s only our first serious hiccup’. She covered the initial £8,000 debt and he convinced her to then take a £30,000 loan to cover his maxed out credit cards and have a bit of a breather. You guessed it, the £30,000 is gone and he maxed out the credit cards again. But at least she’s keeping her wedding vows. 🙄

Gambling is game over territory. You'll get back in the black and he'll do it again. They always do it again. I'm sorry man.

You need good legal advice immediately, relevant to your country, so you have accurate information to feed into your thinking/talking. Do that next.

Clarify liability for debts, how to disassociate yourself, find out what divorce might look like, can you afford to buy him out, can he be court-ordered to leave the house, how long will the various steps take, what are custody options (for SC too), etc.

Get the factual information first, and only then mull it over, talk to family, friends, MN, him.

Mention your legal jurisdiction in your first and every subsequent post!

He can say that. But in reality it won't stand.
If he had spent 20k on DIY for the family home and he could prove it thee may be a chance that what you are saying could stand.
But it won't. It's unsecured. If he can't afford it he can go to the credit card company default on the debt and ask them to freeze the interest and go on a special payment plan.
There's no equity in the property. So no money coming out of this and dependents.

It's a bit different from OP's and her her husband's situation. Pretty sad that your debts accrued just from trying to survive, with you as the lower earner yet your husband expecting you to pay 50% of bills. That's not working as a team at all. I hope he was ashamed that you felt you couldn't talk to him about how you were struggling to pay your share of the bills on what you earned. Most couples would split bills in proportion to what they earned. Particularly if the lower earner was in that position because they were the main carer of children.

Legally separate yourself from him asap or he will ruin you.

20,000 on gambling and "fun" with nothing to show for it, when you already have debts for the house etc 😱

This would keep me up in the night.

See a solicitor as soon as you can and legally separate your finances from the man or he'll take you down with him.

He withdrew the money to use for gambling. He has admitted and shown me.

Does he have anything he can sell to pay off the debt?

Tech? A car? Golf clubs?

What does he have of value he can eBay or pawn or whatever to meet the repayments?

His shitshow, he needs to sort it out. Do not give him any money or help. He can go to his parents or sell his possessions. You and your children should not be disadvantaged because of his poor decisions.

See a lawyer to ensure you are actually responsible for the debt.

If your marriage is otherwise sound. I would direct him on to citizens advice/advise him to get a voluntary order (the 1 before bankruptcy) to pay as I think most banks will settle for a smaller amount oo interest free while it's being paid back then risk default

It's not.

@BudgetBuster I stayed and didn’t regret it (now split but that wasn’t the reason and didn’t even contribute) must have been around 2years into the relationship and was gambling, I’d say maybe £5-10k in total. He was debt free eventually and got a good credit score (he had the spiralling missed payments!) once they dropped off his score was better than mine. It takes work and time to build the trust. I had his bank log in details so if I felt uneasy I could log in (did this for about 6-12months) and also his credit alerts went to my email till we split. He fucked up and he paid for over 6 years with it while the bad credit dropped off his score, he couldn’t go on the mortgage, we had times where we didn’t go on holiday or do much that cost. But we got through it. It’s entirely up to you how you want to deal with it, for me it wasn’t a dealbreaker

Your husband is the definition of a wasteman.

He lets you pay for the majority of your household running. Spent €10k on a holiday without you whilst you looked after the children and was dishonest about how it was spent. Spends his spare cash on video games like a teenager. Sounds like he wants to escape life but wants you to take a hit.

I think you need to seek legal advice asap regarding a divorce and timelines. He is a parasite and will bleed you dry

This is not true in the UK!

www.experian.co.uk/consumer/guides/partners-debt.html

OP, get to a solicitor urgently, as in tomorrow.

Only thinking of himself without any care for you. It's not going to get any better. He might do it again. Don't give him the chance!

What do you mean, what has it to do with her situation? Can't you read? Her situation exists because of precisely what I said. And I care that such an idiot -and many more if you follow what's reported here - are utter, self-centred knob-heads,

justwalkingthedogs not true. Only joint liability if the debts are in your joint names.

More than the money, or even the lies, I couldn't get past the attitude. He wasn't going to tell you, but now you've found out he expects you to sort it out, is pissed off you won't, and has no plan for dealing with it himself. What a total parasite.

I've got no advice, you need an expert anyway, but you're absolutely not overreacting or being unreasonable. The whole shitshow is unforgivable. So sorry this has happened to you.