DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

That would be a good thing as there's negative equity in the house.

Try reading the OP's posts before inserting your twopennoth

ok this exact thing happened to me. After going ABSOLUTELY BALLISTIC, I took out a loan at a lower rate to cover the debt and had wrote out a financial agreement. I made him set up a standing order for the loan payment, and I insisted on him cutting up all his cards in front of me. He knew that any failure to keep to the agreement would mean the end of our relationship. That was 20 years ago and we are still together. Only you know whether he is deep down a 'good person'.

Sorry, I'd missed your post re living in Ireland so guess it's a slightly different process there
Wishing you luck OP, whatever you decide to do

Make plans to get out now. I'm sorry but he won't change.
I didn't leave in the same situation years ago and should have.
You deserve to live a life away from this. He will always be your children's Dad but you are not his mother and that's what the dynamic will end up like.
You are the main earner and have the scope to do this for yourself now before it gets worse.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. IME the trust never comes back. My ex (son's dad) was 60k in debt but hid it from me. He was having his post sent next door and claimed he got the house number wrong. The neighbour opened one of his letters by mistake and brought it round and told me. He never fully admitted where all the money went but I suspect gambling, cars on finance and lads holidays.
We were saving up to buy his brother's share of their late parents home but that obviously never happened. I tried to make it work because we had a baby and came up with a plan with him for him to pay it back. We cut back massively and missed out on holidays, meals and days out etc. He said he had shares but couldn't access them. I asked for the paperwork and he gave me a signed sheet with a logo ect and all the details of his shares a couple of days later. Tried to make me apologise for not believing him! It turned out he'd gone to the library and made it all up on the computer and printed it off. I ended it when that came to light. He still lies now after 11 years.
He declared himself bankrupt, quickly got in another relationship so he could have subsidised living expenses, got a better paying job at the expense of seeing our son as often and now has wonderful holidays with his latest family, meals out regularly, nice car etc.

I would not have been able to stay due to the lies and secrecy.

My husband did this but I only found out after he died. He took his life and I had no clue anything was wrong. Those saying to just leave a man you love and get out can’t imagine the pain I went through. I’d have given anything to have him back and help fix the financial mess he made.

A distant relative of mine found out her husband was a gambler with lots of debt. They had very small children and he vowed never to gamble again. She decided to give him a second chance, he went to GA regularly, the kids grew up, they were looking at enjoying their retirement together..... Then one day he was spotted coming out of the betting shop. He'd racked up LOADS of debt again. No retirement fund. Nothing left. She literally just managed to keep their home and he's now living alone in a grotty rented flat.

She's so sad she wasted her whole adult life worrying he'd slip up. Always being on edge. Then finally seeing the finish line of enjoying those retirement years together and he fucked it all up.

OP he will always have this gambling addiction. Always.

And that's without going into his clever weaved deceit around how he booked the holiday so cheaply in front of you, then upgraded it all cheaply. Oh and that he went on holiday without you and the kids?! While you're sat there doing all the mental load of financial planning, budgeting, saving, worrying, etc.

Please please put yourself and your child first. 😔

Dear OP, take action and book an appointment with a solicitor, taking that small step will help give you a sense of control.
Do not refinance, the debt is his to sort out.
You say your partner is sorry yet he didn’t even tell you of his own volition. Tell him to get an extra job (evenings, weekends), sell his stuff and make an appointment at gamblers anonymous.
Personally I would divorce him, the solicitor should give you advice on how you untie your finances.

Not if you cite unreasonable behaviour

If he'll never be able to pay off the debt he needs to make himself bankrupt, after the divorce.

So sorry you’re in this horrendous situation OP, and through no fault of your own. It’s good that you’re seeking legal advice asap, and hopefully consulting CAB too. You absolutely need to protect yourself financially now, and work out your rights (eg with stepchild if you separate).

Please look after yourself - can you confide in some family or friends? It’s so important to have support right now.

It’s sad that your DH says ‘talking doesn’t help’, as if trying to sweep everything under the carpet will be the answer to his prayers. The lies and deceit must have eroded all trust in the relationship. Gambling addiction is such a tough one, and without talking about it (as a bare minimum first step), maybe he thinks it’s acceptable behaviour to spend 5K on gambling & it not be a problem. Let alone spending 10K on a holiday & trying to lie to you about that too. Where is the respect?
If it were me, I’d be leaving. Sending you lots of love.

File for divorce NOW

Get out now. His debts, his problem. Don't let him drag you and the kids down. I had a compulsive gambler in the family. His wife had inherited a lovely house in a good area, free and clear, no debt. He secretly mortgaged it, gambled away the money, stole family heirlooms, left her and his child destitute.

First answer nails it.
It wouldn't be about the money for me either, it's the constant lying and he's spent it on himself at the expense of your children's futures. It would be game over for me.

This.
He created the problem, he should fix it. He needs to move the credit card debt to a 0% deal and work an extra job solely to pay it off.
Separate your finances and explain to him how much this has hurt you IF you want to try to salvage your marriage

Sorry to hear you’re going through all this, what he’s done is trust destroying. Where on earth did he go to spend 10k on a holiday?? Did he take anyone else as I can’t understand how it could’ve been that much! Good luck with the legal advice and whatever you choose moving forward.

This is awful.OP. I can see why you can't get past it.

Not only the horrendous consequences you're having to face to pay it off, but the deception whilst it was accumulating.

Then the risk of a repeat occurrence, or that thete is more to uncover.

You are not being unreasonable. Sorry this is happening. 😔

When I was in this situation a number of years ago, it wasn’t classed as joint debt, as the loans etc were all in his name (I didn’t have a clue!) We separated soon after I found out and I wasn’t held liable. However, if we had gone ahead and consolidated / refinanced together, then I would have been, because I would have put my name to it, regardless that it was him who ran it up to begin with. So I would strongly recommend OP protects herself and doesn’t lock herself in.

Ok so I used to be an online gambling addict and I almost did the same thing! I was incredibly depressed at the time (post natal) and starting gambling through the night. I hid this from my husband also.i eventually came clean with my husband and told him everything. I got myself in about 9k debt. When I told my husband he was gobsmacked and couldn’t believe how I had almost been living 2 lives!!
i managed to totally self excluded myself from any online gambling sites and also blocked all my cards from allowing gambling. I cannot open an account with any company now! I get flagged instantly (or did the last time I checked) its been approx 5-6 years now.
It was probably the hardest thing I have ever overcome. There were an awful lot of set backs but I can hand on heart say I am no longer a gambler. I don’t even put any money on the grand national! I have realised what an addictive personality I have and luckily I have now focused my obsession to my 2 allotments 😁 gambling especially online gambling is such an evil thing to have come about as you don’t see the physical money leaving your hand so you think oh just another £10!

luckily my husband didn’t leave me but we really struggled for a good few years trying to claw the money back! Unfortunately our money is joint money and we do everything together so if I was broke then so was he so we both had to miss out on things.

if it had been the other way around I would have probably left him, he is definitely the bigger man in this relationship or just a glutton for punishment!

i thought i would give you an honest answer to your question and i really hope i now don’t get roasted but it really was the hardest thing i have ever overcome and like I said there was an AWFUL lot of set backs just random set backs like months and months later I would spend another couple of hundred quid and think oh my god what am I doing and fess up to my husband what I had done!

my husband has learnt to trust me again but there will always be less trust there then there ever was before. I think he would have preferred me to cheat then to confess I had spent thousands on online slot machines!

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please for your own sanity leave. He'll repeat the pattern esp with gambling etc. I would find my now exH had taken a small loan out or credit card out say 3k. What for who knows just on day to day stuff whilst I was carefully budgeting etc. I stupidly thought we are a team so used savings to clear and start again. Thought he would learn his lesson. I can't tell you (mental block) how many times this happened. It would always happen again every few years. I finally left 5 years ago. I was waiting for him to screw up again but it was destroying me. He left with a clean slate. Used savings to set up with stuff for his new house. But the debt letters started coming to here. I mean who can rack up 10k of debt in covid when we couldn't leave the house 🤦🏼‍♀️. Story is 15 years down the line (from first known incident of debt) he still hasn't changed, and the cycle continues. It is someone else's problem now. Don't let the "I was struggling mentally" "not coping" etc emotional manipulation get you.

Ok so I’m going to advise to sit and talk, not every time the best option is divorce. But it does depend on what you are both prepared to do to make things work, and I say this from experience.
10 years ago I was in your shoes, a 1 year old, just bough our first house together (doer upper) just given the go ahead on the double glazing, to then have my hubby drop the bomb when we need to make the final payment.. which was 20k and the glazing money all gone, he was unable to meet all the minimum payments and cover his side of the bills. I also had a broken non repairable boiler, and shot electrics and had to live in the house with my toddler.
like you i could not even look at him, the damage was done and there was I looking at all the same options. However, I am still married to him and now have 2 children.
I gave him a choice my rules, us, or the door. But to choose us came with me taking over all the financials, his accounts and I rolled him into debt management. Me and my daughter did not loose a holiday, birthday or anything, but he did as he had to clear up his mess. He had cash only and had to bring me a receipt for everything until he gained my trust and while doing this we done our house up and have moved since then. We got a mortgage with the stipulation that the equity paid the remainder of the debt management, which I choose to accept to us to move on as a family. Other than this, I asked that he goes to weekly GA meeting, and made it clear what I accepted, lottery, raffles are all gambling and off the cards. Any relapses needed an instant confession as if I found out, he was gone. He took part in a raffle and as soon as he realised the devastation hit him and he confessed as he knew I stood by my word.
He accepted the opportunity to prove himself, and I offered to support him, and this is how we are still together. Although i was prepared to divorce him

i wish you the best of luck in your path forwards whichever route you choose to go x

This happened to me 15 years ago having been married for 23. He remortgaged our home for £130,000. I found out by accident as well. Police put him out & judge awarded me the house (mine name not on it either ) there’s still money owing & my daughter is buying him out. It never ends . Get rid asap. It’s ruined me , mainly lies and keeping everything from me for 23 yrs. Start again and you and your children will have a happy peaceful life xx

Can he not move some of it to an interest free credit card - one of those no interest for 12 or 24 month ones? Maybe do a couple of these and manage it himself. It’s not for you to pay it for him.

Like everyone else, this would be it for me too. It’s such a betrayal.

This is the clearest indicator in my mind that there's no sorting this out. Deliberate and calculated deceit with full intention of creating more debt. Can you get legal advice re enforcing a physical separation?

Divorce.