DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

He’s a teenager. He’s of an age where he’s perfectly able to get on a bus and spend as much time in your home as you’re willing to have him there.

Does Ireland have the same laws around ensuring a child is accommodated as England does? If so, then he won’t be homeless. It won’t be in the same standard of accommodation as you live in now, but maybe his dad could let him spend a significant part of the week at yours, if you’d be willing to have him?

Although, I’m thinking he should probably sort something out sooner rather than later because it’s difficult enough getting rented accommodation with a good salary, a guarantor and a perfect credit rating. God only knows how hard he’s going to find it when he is hurtling towards bankruptcy. Please don’t sign anything just to get him out the door; you’ll find yourself responsible for his rent when he stops paying it.

Very strange that he spent so much on an upgrade behind your back. No man I know would splurge for an upgrade unless they were trying to impress somebody.😮(especially when they do not have the cash)

Exactly, ChilledBeez, and it's hard not to wonder just who it is that he's trying to impress

The one thing that's beyond doubt is that he's extremely deceitful, so it wouldn't surprise me if there's a great deal more OP has yet to find out

Gambling is one of the hardest addictions to tackle . Refinancing doesn’t solve the problem , just puts a sticking plaster over a huge wound . Put your kids and yourself first before you lose everything .

Op, I was the child in this situation. My dad’s gambling addiction didn’t ’get better’ despite all his promises to my mum. They lost everything, including the house. We were homeless for a while before finding somewhere to rent, and had to move to a different area to find something they could afford, so I had to move school mid way through, it was rotten. My mum is in her 70s now and her pension goes mostly on her rent, I have to help her with bills and am struggling myself. He left my mum poor for the rest of her life, and messed up a lot for me. Not least my ability to trust men, or pick a decent one myself. Don’t let your husband do this to you and your child. Let SC and their mum know you still want to be there for them, but know that your husband won’t deal with any of this until he is forced to, and the more you try to help him the more he will take from you. Yes it’s a sickness, but it can destroy everything and everyone around them unless you take steps to protect yourself and your child.

Yeah, the last thing you need is to be his mommy. He needs to grow up fast. My thoughts are with you and I hope each day gets a little easier.

Have I missed whether you have a mortgage at the moment? If you own the house outright, is it in both your names?

First, cut the card up into pieces and not allow any other cards to be sent. Register your opposition to the debt legally. Contact your CAB right away, because they have dedicated people experienced in this who give their time freely. Your case is by no means uncommon. They will tell you exactly what you should do.

Think carefully before you walk out. So long as he isn't physically aggressive towards you and the children, in which case leave him, you might be able to work it out together.

Is the credit card debt in just his name, or both? That makes a difference. Did you receive any of the credit card statements which would have given you the balance owing? If you did not, that too is significant, otherwise someone might ask why you didn't cut the card up.

Panic doesn't help. If he is kind to you otherwise, why leave him? It is not easy to find another companion who is neither aggressive nor careless with money.

Oh my goodness! That's a lot. He's a liability. Don't refinance for him. He sounds like he has a gambling addiction. He will undoubtedly do this again. I wouldn't be having any other children with him either.As you said yourself you can't afford the extra cost and this man is not a reliable father. It's difficult to keep your distance financially when you have married him but I would be getting some legal and financial advice in ways to protect yourself from his debt. Then consider at least a legal separation. It would give you breathing space. Do you have any family support. ? If so ,confide in them. It sounds like you are struggling
Take care!

I'm not going to defend him because what he has done is wrong and it will be difficult for you to get over, but gambling is an addiction just like all others - sometime people cant stop it until they get help.

If he can change then maybe in time you can find a way to forgive, but if he cant then you need to do what is best for you and the kids.

Well done for being strong and not taking on his debt OP.

Well that answers another of my questions, and the gambling answers another.

It is a shame that the money might be wasted through gambling. He needs help with that.

Go to the CAB. You say you do not know of any sort of debt of this magnitude, but THEY DO. Do not think you are the only one struggling with this. You are not. They deal with these cases day after day.

Something else the dedicated money experts who give their time freely, do to help. THEY WILL WORK OUT A BUDGET FOR YOU. Go to them, send them all your financial dealings for the last two years, and they will help you to the best of your ability.

They will also recommend your husband to a counselling service for gamblers, such as gamblers anonymous, who also help people avoid gambling.

I dated a gambler once, it's a full blown addiction. Really I'd get out now while you can. In the end my ex took a few grand of my savings. It was a far cry from 3 years before when I didn't see or could never have believed he'd do something like that. But that's the slippery slope that gambling addiction is. I'd separate yourself like lightning from his finances so you aren't responsible for a penny and nor are your kids or what you could provide for them. Because believe me it'll probably suck everything you have in like a vortex eventually.

Good luck OP, just remember, compassionate as you are over him, that noone on earth can help an addict but themselves. It's an act of love not to enable this.

I can't see how you can do anything other than separate. You'll ruin your life and your childs life if you don't.

The SC is a teen, if they aren't old enough now to advocate for themselves and spend time with you, post split (assuming they would want to) they will be soon - I know several teens who spend a lot of time with a former step-parent following a split and it is even possible for courts to give access like this, if it is in the childs best interests and what the child wants.

You may not want that of course, but it is possible, don't let that stop you from saving yourself and your own child from this car crash of a man!

Of course he is emotional, he has got himself into a financial mess, and wants you to rescue him. It is not your responsibility to do so, particularly because he is a Gambler, which is an addiction.

As many others have said, unless he admits he is an addict, and gets help, he will definitely do it again. Even if he gets help, he might do it again. Gambling addiction is dangerous, and you will lose everything if you do not divorce this man.

In cases of addiction or abuse, leaving is the only safe option, to protect yourself and your children from a ruined life.

Please do not allow him to emotionally blackmail or manipulate you, addicts are expert at that. Do not pay a penny towards his debts, no matter how he pleads. You are currently personally financially stable and need to stay that way, for your own practical and psychological safety.

So sorry this is happening to you.

I might be the minority here but I was your DH several years ago. Told my partner and we fixed it and moved on. Then i did it again! For me it was gambling and shopping tied in with having a nervous breakdown. We’re talking 30k here on loans and credit cards.

the second time was touch and go on our relationship but we did eventually work through it, it took a while to get stable again but the worry of losing him was enough to sort my brain out. It’s been 8 years since the last relapse and how we are now is wonderful. It taught me to be a better person and how to manage my money, so much so that we’re now living abroad in a bought and paid for house where I was the main contributor and I’m now sensible enough to be the one managing our finances. I know it sounds like I’m boasting but what I’m trying to say is that this could potentially be the making of him.

i 100% understand if you can’t move past it, and I wouldn’t blame you tbh nor would thousands or others but if can bring yourself to try again and you do decide to, it could be the kick up the backside he needs. The fear of losing you may be enough.

He’s a gambling addict if he’s ended up with this much debt in a short time. It doesn’t sound as if he is really accepting/acknowledging this. He very likely will not just stop even if he says he will/ thinks he will. You should get legal advice about your options and how to protect yourself financially.

That first paragraph as written is not correct, OP you can ignore that if reading

I think the question is, does he genuinely want to make this right?
You've suggested counselling and he's said no, however I think counselling is not optional if he wants you to stay together; he needs to attend counselling with you and explain why he went behind your back, took out a huge loan and then lied to cover his tracks, and then thought it was ok to ask you to help him sort it. Perhaps he feels emasculated because you earn a lot more, perhaps he's trying to keep up with friends and didn't have the balls to ask you for a contribution for his holiday. But, he's a grown man, he needs to sell the tech he bought and any other expensive stuff he has, he has to close all his gambling accounts, because 5keur on gambling is NOT NORMAL (he needs to accept that too!) and he needs to grow up, really fast. Because looking at your updates, he is going to lose his wife and be in a bedsit with minimal access to his kids if he doesn't get his life together.

Hi op,

if you pay with him, he will do it again. Maybe next time you can’t pay your kiddo studies.

I would divorce to separate the finances.

Good luck 👌🏼

I’m sorry OP, this sounds really tough for you and your family. I would have suggested some debt counselling until I saw the word gambling. I think you should consider really carefully whether you can trust your DH to have tied finances with you. He has literally thrown away money that could have enriched your children’s lives. The gambling aspect would be the deciding factor for me.

The end came for me when he spent the money for our children’s birthday party in fruit machines.

So you have a joint mortgage so the house will be seized to pay off his debts.

Theres the reality. You need to begin divorce proceedings to protect your share of the equity before it is seized and your credit record damaged.

Otherwise you and your child will end up in a rental property and reduced ability to get another mortgage except at a very high repayments.

Has your husband tried to seek help for his debts himself? He may be able to consolidate his debts into one payment - such as a personal loan with fixed interest so the interest doesn’t keep accruing and then he can close all the other lines of credit?

He obviously has pretty good credit to be able to get access to this amount in the first place so as long as he has kept up with payments there’s nothing to say he won’t still have good credit. The only exception will be if it’s obvious he has been using it for gambling as they won’t touch him.

What is his salary? Depending on what it is his total debt may come back as a high debt to income ratio which means it’s unlikely to get approved. Ie if he earns £25k and his debt is £20k it probably won’t go through but that’s not to say it won’t.

Ive read all your replies OP and you sound like you have your head switched on, whatever you do, do not take any of his debt. As soon as you do, it’s yours and they can ask you both to pay it back.

I would definitely ensure that any overdraft on your joint account is removed as well as a starting point if you have one.

Pretty much same as that. I just bury my head in the sand tbh and have just got a puppy for myself.
Been on suspended repossession since 2012. Probably won't be able to repay capital sum mortgage in 5 years. Haven't got an answer for you. I don't have a job atm and husband is self employed in the building trade which seems to be becoming seasonal in the past 5 years. He spent all the furlough money and has borrowed 26K from his parents. It's shocking. He's very depressed so it's hard to moan. I lost my sister last August. She was 64. Just retired, had loads of money, decent pension, nice house, holidays etc but she's not here anymore. It's hard to weigh everything up. All the advice I can give you is that you never know what goes on behind other people's closed doors. Can you sell up and downsize, move away or something? X

It's taken me 13 months OP, and it wasn't as straightforward as I'd imagined as ex argued - and lost - almost every point. So it's not necessarily true that it'll take years.