DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

OP please seek legal advise around the debt. As you're married you are, in theory, both jointly responsible-you need to take steps to ensure he cannot rack up anymore debt which you will be jointly accountable for.

Of course, I'd expect nothing less. It's practically mandatory in such cases as well as threats to harm themselves if everyone doesn't fall in line.

I'm thinking he can't face his own gambling problems, so made up the "upgraded luxury holiday" - I'd say it (nearly all) went on gambling.

@BudgetBuster, please tell a friend or family member - you need real life support here, no matter how good MN is.

Please stop telling the OP that she is jointly liable for this debt. She isn't. However, he is able to access joint accounts and drain them - there are plenty of threads on here where separating couples do just that. One gets the jump on the other and fucks off with the money. In theory, it can come back via the financial settlement, but often it's just gone.

OP, squirrel your resources out of his reach. Open new accounts in your name only if need be. He may well act desperately once he realises you're not going to dig him out of this particular pit. So build a safe harbour for you and your children before you talk to him about separating. Do that prep work today.

Agree.

I understand that it's difficult, OP. But the harsh reality is that this man doesn't think about you or his children. He has deceived you for months with the debt and the holiday. And if you hadn't discovered his deception, he would still be lying to you every day - while you're budgeting and making ends meet.

He's the worst.

I've seen the statements. It was a very nice holiday for him by all accounts.

Don't suppose he went to Vegas?

Thanks for posting. I can't imagine how hard all this is for you.
Whatever he spent it on, I guess it doesn't really matter - he has deprived his family of security, by blowing €20k.

Sickening.

I know you don't want to leave because you want to be a family unit and your don't want to "tear apart the family" but he has done that already.

Please look up the effects of gambling on children. It's way worse than split parents with at least one stable.

It's not a case of not wanting to tear the family apart. My toddler will adapt quickly, and i have no interest in stopping access or anything like that. I's more a case of knowing that my stepchild has been subjected to a pretty tough life at his other home, and knowing that he is happy here with us but my OH won't be able to afford to rent anywhere nearby (I wouldn't either to be honest and I'm on a good wage!). So I need to put his interests first right now and make sure he us looked after.

I have made an appointment with a lawyer.

You need to put your interests and the interests of your child first. It's lovely that you love and care got DSS but he has parents to care and advocate for him. You'll have no rights to access once you separate. You need to her used to the fact that you won't be able to affect change or support them.

I know i don't have rights or access post seperation... but im not a horrible person wanting to see a teen who has been a huge part of my life and is my child's siblings homeless either.

Anyway I have made an appointment to get legal advice.

No you're a lovely person. I just think you need to priorities yourself and your child.

My brother raised his step kids for a dedade. Their dad provided fuck all. My brother gave them the best of everything. After the separations he was very quickly told that they weren't his kids and he wasn't allowed access. He was allowed to collect bio child and only bio child.

Good luck with the solicitor.

The real deal breaker for me would be the holiday. If he had spent that money on taking you and the children away, it might have been somewhat understandable—perhaps even forgivable. But instead, he made a completely selfish investment in himself and went to great lengths to lie about it. That speaks volumes about his values and priorities.

I don’t know how you could ever trust him again. That said, not wanting to break up your family—despite this being his doing—is completely understandable. But the long-term reality of paying off this debt, whether it’s just him or both of you, will only add to the resentment you already feel. The ongoing financial pressure will inevitably take its toll.

It’s an incredibly tough decision.

If you don't want to separate and that's understandable given the reasons you have outlined.
Still separate your finances. Do not be the mug who pays it off for him.
Unsecured credit card debt can go on a repayment plan.
Seperate your finances and get advice like you've said you will. But be strong.
At least you are thinking of DSS.
If now is not the time to seperate get the facts and lay the law down.
I've been in a similar position exh spent £47000 on gambling instead of paying the mortgage off when he had a heart attack.
When I found out and saw the statements he had kidney failure on home dialysis and my son was in hospital after an accident. He said what are you going to do. Well there was nothing I could do right then and had to limp along another 3 years.
The shock of seeing the statements
£1700 spent one day on Victor chandler while I was waiting to see if my son's life support was getting switched off. He said he was stressed! Just seeing the £100 transfers multiple times a day. What a fuckwit I was unaware of living with a gambling addict for years! They are so sneaky.
My heart really goes out to you.💐

Oh lord that's horrific.
I have a meeting with solicitor tomorrow - I am also very financially aware so I have a full list of joint debts, household expenses, his debt (that i am aware of) to discuss.

I just can't trust him and I and our children are too young to have a life of worry.

They are and so are you. This will happen again.
Please save yourself future heartache and get out now

He’s a teen op and will get more independent every year. You can tell him he has to go with his dad right now and give it a try, but if he wants to come back you will be happy to have him. Is he close to 16 or whatever age he could decide where he lives? And say to him i know your dad has some issues so I want you to promise to come to me if he doesn’t have anywhere for you to stay. I can’t live with your dad but I do love you.

Only say the truth and only make promises you mean.

You can divorce him to separate you finances & you being responsible fir his debt, present & future.
Divorce is just a contract.
You can remain living with him after the divorce.
Maybe this is your solution.
It frees you from being financially responsible, & leaves you the freedom to leave if it becomes necessary.

This is horrific for you. I couldn't live with a gambler but I also couldn't forgive my DH spending £10,000 on a holiday for himself. My DH once spent £18,000 on a motorbike for himself when he went to an open day at a dealership with a much richer child free friend. I was fuming as he had a perfectly good 3 year old motorbike already (which they gave him FA for as a trade in) and he sold it recently 6 years later having done less than 2000 miles on it (so he certainly didn't need it!) but at least he didn't go into debt for it (and at least it wasn't a holiday).

I do see what you mean about your DSC. Would having total control of the family finances while he pays back the debt be a way to not separate just yet? Might be that the resentment and mistrust kills off your relationship especially if a second child becomes impossible due to this.

To be honest I have pretty much control over family finances... he obviously has access to our joint funds but I am the one who looks after the life admin and so bills get paid, groceries get purchased etc. We don't have loads of money so hence he went off and got into debt to live a lifestyle beyond our means.

I think I would always worry that if the debt was paid off, he'd just do it again. And I don't want to micromanage my husband and ask for credit checks and bank statements etc... there's no romance in that. I've enough to deal with than babysitting him too.

From your last update sounds like your mind is made up about ending thungs

I am trying to get legal advice about separating assets at the least. I have no doubt we will need to live together for some time so my main focus right now is protecting finances for myself and the kids.

My mind cannot cope with much more atm so need to just do one step at a time.

I think at the very least you need to be completely separate from him financially. You need to be the sole owner of the house, you need a legal divorce with a financial settlement signed off. If you want to let him and his son stay in the house as a partner with no financial entitlement but paying rent as a lodger that’s up to you and him. For him that would be a pretty sweet deal when you look at the alternative and you can also make sure his son is ok that way. That is if you can stand looking at your husband after this.