I'm hoping that writing some of this down can help organise my thoughts as I'm struggling to get my point across to my husband. We’ve been having issues for a while, I believe it’s due to the way he treats me - he genuinely doesn’t seem to believe he’s doing anything wrong. Any arguments/discussions are basically circular now and neither of us seem to be able to see the other’s point of view. Our sex life is non-existent atm as I’m unwilling, but we were having sex until 8 weeks ago when things really fell apart. There is a history of past infidelity on his part which he claims is where our issues are stemming from as he believes I can't move on, I think its more than that.
This weekend is a good example of how things currently are. I spent most of the weekend trying to avoid him as when I’d come home from work on Friday the house stunk of weed, so much so our 16yr old commented. I tend to avoid conflict, so hadn’t said anything until he demanded 3 times that I needed to say why I was walking round with a face like a slapped arse as we needed to be communicating more.
When I did eventually say what was bothering me I was told I was out of order, he was near suicidal 3 weeks ago, would I prefer he was still like that as he was using the weed to cope? He’d just got his head back in the game but I’m derailing it. He’s not prepared to live like this, I’m policing him, he’s done, he’s going to leave, if I want to go to war then he’s prepared, He’s been trying to be the best man he can but I'm not doing anything to make our situation better.
He goes on and on about why I’m out of order until I’m worn down. Will tell me that we need to communicate but when I do I’m always in the wrong. I’ve had to point out I’m entitled to my own feelings and emotions in past arguments - he’ll say that I am - immediately followed by a ‘but’ as to how they affect him and his mental health. I’m well aware that by voicing anything he views negatively towards him will just result in hearing about how I’m risking his head going which means he can’t earn - is that what I want etc (he is the main earner). Mentioned that he needs sex and as his wife, that's what wives do, did I want him to just go out fucking?
Ended with him shutting himself away to play computer games for the remainder of the evening
Next morning - I’m getting the kids up for school, walked the dogs, getting ready for work - he is in bed. Comes down to tell me I’m being passive aggressive for not making him a coffee whilst he stays in bed working. Said can we both agree that the deal is he gets 2 coffees in the morning. When I said I wasn’t sure how things had been left after the previous day he then talked at me for 20mins about how he was working, he paid the bills, he wasn’t prepared to put up with this from me, again mentioned that he doesn’t want to go to war but he would.
He stood over me, pointing, gritting his teeth, calling me a cunt, to the point I cry. I’m then told off as our 16yr old saw and asked if I’m ok. Repeatedly asked why I would let our 16yr old see me like that (I had to take him to school for an early revision session for his mocks and he’d already said that he didn’t want his dad taking him as it would stress him out)
.
Came back to him more conciliatory but told I was frustrating him and that’s why he blows up. Talked at for another 15mins about how he’s trying, he thinks if we can just get past ‘this’ life is going to be great, he wants intimacy and as I’m withdrawn so how else is he supposed to act. He doesn’t want to fight but I’m pushing him. Usually ends in the same manner with both of us feeling frustrated that we can’t see the others point of view
It's rumble on this evening which is when he mentioned the wife's role being to look after her man again and asked me to answer how long should a man be expected to stay in a marriage when not getting any sex.
When I pushed back on the wife’s role bit he asked what I thought a wife’s role was and when I answered that i didn’t think there are roles, it’s meant to be a partnership where we both work together for the good of the family - he replied to tell me if it was a partnership like I believed then I should put up with his ranting at me. That I couldn’t have it both ways. Again told that he had done all the work he needed to do on himself and I’d changed nothing. But when pressed on what I need to change the only thing he ever mentions is having more sex.
I'm really struggling to understand his point, he's very fixated on me taking responsibility for the part he believes I've played in how we are now but I'm unwilling to acquiesce - so we are at a stalemate.
So I'm looking for some outsider opinions. From the brief snapshot of our marriage albeit from my side only - am I at fault?