Husband has stated its a wife's role to look after her man

[Youfucknugget]

I'm hoping that writing some of this down can help organise my thoughts as I'm struggling to get my point across to my husband. We’ve been having issues for a while, I believe it’s due to the way he treats me - he genuinely doesn’t seem to believe he’s doing anything wrong. Any arguments/discussions are basically circular now and neither of us seem to be able to see the other’s point of view. Our sex life is non-existent atm as I’m unwilling, but we were having sex until 8 weeks ago when things really fell apart. There is a history of past infidelity on his part which he claims is where our issues are stemming from as he believes I can't move on, I think its more than that.

This weekend is a good example of how things currently are. I spent most of the weekend trying to avoid him as when I’d come home from work on Friday the house stunk of weed, so much so our 16yr old commented. I tend to avoid conflict, so hadn’t said anything until he demanded 3 times that I needed to say why I was walking round with a face like a slapped arse as we needed to be communicating more.

When I did eventually say what was bothering me I was told I was out of order, he was near suicidal 3 weeks ago, would I prefer he was still like that as he was using the weed to cope? He’d just got his head back in the game but I’m derailing it. He’s not prepared to live like this, I’m policing him, he’s done, he’s going to leave, if I want to go to war then he’s prepared, He’s been trying to be the best man he can but I'm not doing anything to make our situation better.

He goes on and on about why I’m out of order until I’m worn down. Will tell me that we need to communicate but when I do I’m always in the wrong. I’ve had to point out I’m entitled to my own feelings and emotions in past arguments - he’ll say that I am - immediately followed by a ‘but’ as to how they affect him and his mental health. I’m well aware that by voicing anything he views negatively towards him will just result in hearing about how I’m risking his head going which means he can’t earn - is that what I want etc (he is the main earner). Mentioned that he needs sex and as his wife, that's what wives do, did I want him to just go out fucking?

Ended with him shutting himself away to play computer games for the remainder of the evening

Next morning - I’m getting the kids up for school, walked the dogs, getting ready for work - he is in bed. Comes down to tell me I’m being passive aggressive for not making him a coffee whilst he stays in bed working. Said can we both agree that the deal is he gets 2 coffees in the morning. When I said I wasn’t sure how things had been left after the previous day he then talked at me for 20mins about how he was working, he paid the bills, he wasn’t prepared to put up with this from me, again mentioned that he doesn’t want to go to war but he would.

He stood over me, pointing, gritting his teeth, calling me a cunt, to the point I cry. I’m then told off as our 16yr old saw and asked if I’m ok. Repeatedly asked why I would let our 16yr old see me like that (I had to take him to school for an early revision session for his mocks and he’d already said that he didn’t want his dad taking him as it would stress him out)
.
Came back to him more conciliatory but told I was frustrating him and that’s why he blows up. Talked at for another 15mins about how he’s trying, he thinks if we can just get past ‘this’ life is going to be great, he wants intimacy and as I’m withdrawn so how else is he supposed to act. He doesn’t want to fight but I’m pushing him. Usually ends in the same manner with both of us feeling frustrated that we can’t see the others point of view

It's rumble on this evening which is when he mentioned the wife's role being to look after her man again and asked me to answer how long should a man be expected to stay in a marriage when not getting any sex.

When I pushed back on the wife’s role bit he asked what I thought a wife’s role was and when I answered that i didn’t think there are roles, it’s meant to be a partnership where we both work together for the good of the family - he replied to tell me if it was a partnership like I believed then I should put up with his ranting at me. That I couldn’t have it both ways. Again told that he had done all the work he needed to do on himself and I’d changed nothing. But when pressed on what I need to change the only thing he ever mentions is having more sex.

I'm really struggling to understand his point, he's very fixated on me taking responsibility for the part he believes I've played in how we are now but I'm unwilling to acquiesce - so we are at a stalemate.

So I'm looking for some outsider opinions. From the brief snapshot of our marriage albeit from my side only - am I at fault?

I’ve said in the past that I wish I could record how he speaks to me to show him back. I guess he’d still find a way to justify it.
And I tend to do a bit of both, I never raise any issues but he’ll notice I’m quiet and he’ll mention it, ask me over again what’s wrong - when I do eventually say it escalates. I don’t tend to get a chance to say much, I’m rubbish at verbal communication but I generally start defending myself, he ties me up in knots, I give up, go quiet and walk away. I have started to write things down recently, my attempt at recording what actually is happening and not what I’m being told is happening.

I've been very very reluctant to view my situation as abusive despite all the evidence to the contrary. He is the only relationship I’ve ever had, he has told me that everyone’s relationship has issues so until recently I didn’t even think ours was even anything out of the ordinary.

Again, thank you for the resounding response. You are all right, I know you are right - I can’t let my kids grow up thinking this is normal and I completely accept I’ve been enabling my own treatment. I need to go offline as he’ll get suspicious of me being on my phone at this time as I usually go to bed at 9. I’ll re read the thread tomorrow morning and make some kind of plan

Of course the kids are aware. And damaged. You are modelling what a relationship is. They learn from you.
Its not too late to show them what a strong woman looks like and that respect and SELF RESPECT is crucial to live a life where healthy relationships are their ‘normal’

It sounds like he is abusive and this image should help you to get some clarity about whether he is. If you want to find the motivation to leave please keep in mind that you’re teaching your children this is what a relationship looks like.

You might need to delete your Internet history. Don't delete all of it because that looks suspicious. Just delete what you don't want him to see.

There could be a 100 posts saying you need to leave him.
Why are you even with him ?

You’d be such a better and happier soul if you wasn’t trying to make sense of his downfall’s. Sounds like you've reached the point where you have to step away. Put yourself first girl, remember who you was before all this ! X

He's abusive, you need to get rid of him

I can absolutely guarantee that all your children will be aware of the abusive way your husband treats you (unless they are very young). Your 16 year old, is very much aware, and has witnessed your husband's behaviour. Nothing you ever do, will be right or good enough for your husband. He is an abusive, manipulative, bully who believes that you are solely responsible for the issues in the marriage. Your feelings and opinions are irrelevant to him, only his are important. You are only there for his needs in and out of the bedroom, and he's not interested in yours. For your own sake and for that of your children, you need to find the strength to end your marriage. He's holding the fact he's the breadwinner over your head, threatening to end his life and threatening to 'start a war' to keep in you line. Please contact a domestic abuse charity for help, in leaving this absolutely pig of a man.

I'm sure this has been said but...

You have 3 children. Are any of them daughters?

Read your post back as if it was your daughter describing her relationship and ask yourself how you'd feel and what you tell her to do.

You know it's not ok, it's not normal, it's not loving, it's abuse and it will not change.

Yeah, let him get on with suicide or leaving or whatever. He's not worth it.

Reply? "It's a husband's job to remain desirable by not behaving like a cunt."

He’s an abusive, cheating, misogynist addict who is harming you and your child. It is horrific for a teenager to be exposed to this situation.

Oh OP, no-one thinks you're pathetic 😔 what I think is that he has ground you down with years of abuse so you can't see the wood for the trees and he uses the threat of suicide or 'going to war' as a means of controlling you and shutting down your legitimate complaints. He is a nasty bully and an abuser.

He has made you feel that you wouldn't be able to cope on your own but you can - you absolutely can! Please contact Women's Aid, they will help you put together a plan to leave safely. Your children need a mother who is happy and healthy, this is SO much more important than what house they live in and holidays. They more than likely know their father is abusive and probably worry about you a lot. They need to be free of fear and the oppressive atmosphere they are living in.

You know you need to leave so please get help and support to do so. Look after yourself lovely 💐

@Youfucknugget cant believe you have put up with this bully for so long!! you need to find your strength and break free from that crazy mad cycle of abuse. your children will thrive even your 16 year old son. son is being stressed by his idiot father who has already cheated on you.

If you know ‘she can’t stop him’ why was your first reaction to blame her?

I really wish people would remember that there's a distraught woman asking for help, one who has been so trampled by her monster of a husband that she's too scared to even ask him not to smoke weed round the children. Stop asking her why she's putting up with it, it isn't that easy when you've been abused and bullied for years.

Because if she can't stop him she can leave the situation.

Are you sure he hasn’t been watching Andrew Tate?!

LTB! He is treating you horribly, your life can only improve without him in it. Is your 16yo your youngest? If he is then thst makes things easier, he is old enough to have a say in custody/where he lives, not like risking losing small child to 50/50 custody if you split.

I’ve said in the past that I wish I could record how he speaks to me to show him back. I guess he’d still find a way to justify it. And I tend to do a bit of both, I never raise any issues but he’ll notice I’m quiet and he’ll mention it, ask me over again what’s wrong - when I do eventually say it escalates. I don’t tend to get a chance to say much, I’m rubbish at verbal communication but I generally start defending myself, he ties me up in knots, I give up, go quiet and walk away. I have started to write things down recently, my attempt at recording what actually is happening and not what I’m being told is happening.

He sounds like my ex. Never ever in the wrong, it was always, always my fault. A master at twisting things and confusing me, and I'm a competent, articulate, intelligent woman, but not when he started in on me.

When I spoke to someone at Women's Aid, she explained I was describing classic abuse. I was a boiled frog - I knew it was unbearable but I didn't know it was unacceptable and not my fault.

OP, it's not you, it's not your fault. Get out before he boils you til you're too frightened to even think of leaving.

This man groomed you when you were a child.

He's abusive, a drug taker (addict?) who cheats on you and calls you a cunt in front of your children.

You need to do the freedom program and escape this marriage.

He purposely chose you, an inexperienced child, to groom and marry so you wouldn't know any different from him, you wouldn't be mature enough to see the red flags and you wouldn't have your own money or independence to easily leave him.

But please do, this is an awful living situation for your children ignoring everything else.

This is so upsetting to read.

You’re in an abusive marriage.

You’re fooling yourself if you think your childrens memories of growing up will be of the holidays you had, they won’t, their memories will be of the times their dad made their mum cry, the horrible atmosphere at home, how nasty their dad was to their mum.

You’re teaching your daughters, if you have any that it’s acceptable to be abused in a ‘normal’ relationship.

It doesn’t matter how much he money he earns, how amazing the holidays are,, you’re living with a man who has no respect for you, berates you, calls you a cunt and yet demands sex!

If you won’t leave for yourself leave for your children.

He's been watching Andrew Tate videos; he's one of his disciples. Time to leave.

You don’t need to understand his point of view as it is totally unreasonable. He sounds just like my ex. Women’s aid will help you, not only in practical terms but also to understand the situation you are in, and your options. Life is great the other side, I have no knots in my stomach any longer. Best of luck OP.

@Youfucknugget As soon as you go to work, tell them and phone Women's Aid from work. You are not pathetic. He is. He groomed you and has abused you since you were 16. It's his fault that you think you are a poor communicator, you are not.

Your children know though. They won't care about holidays. Get all the help you can to escape for all of you. It's probably not a coincidence that you have a 16 year old and you are posting now, you are seeing how vulnerable your own child is at that age.

I don't know where you're based but in Northern Ireland Woman's Aid have a 24hr phone line, if calling during the day is an issue and I suspect from the last post stating you had to get off your phone or he'd be suspicious that it is, can you call in the early hours and speak to someone?
This isn't right and I'm not saying this to make you feel worse or to be harsh but yes you are kidding yourself that your DC are unaware. Ask me how I know? Because I too thought I was protecting my DC from the worst of it and it was only after we left and went into refuge with the help of womens aid that I realised just how much they really were aware of.
Him threatening you with his mental health/suicide is a well known tactic of abusers. You are not responsible for his actions, he is responsible for his actions and his mental health.
You need to leave and you need to leave sooner rather than later and show your DC that this is not acceptable to behave like this or to be treated like this is a loving relationship. I understand he's all you know and you were so very young when you got together but please listen to me as someone who's been where you are, this is not OK and you need to leave.

He reminds me of my exh. I would say he is a narcissist, will never change, and leave now if you want to preserve your sanity.