Husband has stated its a wife's role to look after her man

[Youfucknugget]

I'm hoping that writing some of this down can help organise my thoughts as I'm struggling to get my point across to my husband. We’ve been having issues for a while, I believe it’s due to the way he treats me - he genuinely doesn’t seem to believe he’s doing anything wrong. Any arguments/discussions are basically circular now and neither of us seem to be able to see the other’s point of view. Our sex life is non-existent atm as I’m unwilling, but we were having sex until 8 weeks ago when things really fell apart. There is a history of past infidelity on his part which he claims is where our issues are stemming from as he believes I can't move on, I think its more than that.

This weekend is a good example of how things currently are. I spent most of the weekend trying to avoid him as when I’d come home from work on Friday the house stunk of weed, so much so our 16yr old commented. I tend to avoid conflict, so hadn’t said anything until he demanded 3 times that I needed to say why I was walking round with a face like a slapped arse as we needed to be communicating more.

When I did eventually say what was bothering me I was told I was out of order, he was near suicidal 3 weeks ago, would I prefer he was still like that as he was using the weed to cope? He’d just got his head back in the game but I’m derailing it. He’s not prepared to live like this, I’m policing him, he’s done, he’s going to leave, if I want to go to war then he’s prepared, He’s been trying to be the best man he can but I'm not doing anything to make our situation better.

He goes on and on about why I’m out of order until I’m worn down. Will tell me that we need to communicate but when I do I’m always in the wrong. I’ve had to point out I’m entitled to my own feelings and emotions in past arguments - he’ll say that I am - immediately followed by a ‘but’ as to how they affect him and his mental health. I’m well aware that by voicing anything he views negatively towards him will just result in hearing about how I’m risking his head going which means he can’t earn - is that what I want etc (he is the main earner). Mentioned that he needs sex and as his wife, that's what wives do, did I want him to just go out fucking?

Ended with him shutting himself away to play computer games for the remainder of the evening

Next morning - I’m getting the kids up for school, walked the dogs, getting ready for work - he is in bed. Comes down to tell me I’m being passive aggressive for not making him a coffee whilst he stays in bed working. Said can we both agree that the deal is he gets 2 coffees in the morning. When I said I wasn’t sure how things had been left after the previous day he then talked at me for 20mins about how he was working, he paid the bills, he wasn’t prepared to put up with this from me, again mentioned that he doesn’t want to go to war but he would.

He stood over me, pointing, gritting his teeth, calling me a cunt, to the point I cry. I’m then told off as our 16yr old saw and asked if I’m ok. Repeatedly asked why I would let our 16yr old see me like that (I had to take him to school for an early revision session for his mocks and he’d already said that he didn’t want his dad taking him as it would stress him out)
.
Came back to him more conciliatory but told I was frustrating him and that’s why he blows up. Talked at for another 15mins about how he’s trying, he thinks if we can just get past ‘this’ life is going to be great, he wants intimacy and as I’m withdrawn so how else is he supposed to act. He doesn’t want to fight but I’m pushing him. Usually ends in the same manner with both of us feeling frustrated that we can’t see the others point of view

It's rumble on this evening which is when he mentioned the wife's role being to look after her man again and asked me to answer how long should a man be expected to stay in a marriage when not getting any sex.

When I pushed back on the wife’s role bit he asked what I thought a wife’s role was and when I answered that i didn’t think there are roles, it’s meant to be a partnership where we both work together for the good of the family - he replied to tell me if it was a partnership like I believed then I should put up with his ranting at me. That I couldn’t have it both ways. Again told that he had done all the work he needed to do on himself and I’d changed nothing. But when pressed on what I need to change the only thing he ever mentions is having more sex.

I'm really struggling to understand his point, he's very fixated on me taking responsibility for the part he believes I've played in how we are now but I'm unwilling to acquiesce - so we are at a stalemate.

So I'm looking for some outsider opinions. From the brief snapshot of our marriage albeit from my side only - am I at fault?

Speechless.
You need to speak to WA, see a solicitor, get copies of all the financials, pension, savings, tax returns, hide birth certs, wedding certs & passports, & all the family documents, get informed. Open your own secret bank account. change all your email passwords etc
Tell him there is no sex with a drug taking, cheating, misogynistic, lazy, selfish manipulative, bully.
Next time he threatens to leave, say "Yes, I agree."

Poor kids being in the middle of all that.

Tell him to leave if that's what he wants. You can't stay in that shit it's going to fuck up your kids mental health.

I honestly don't get why you're hand wringing about who is at fault.

What a miserable miserable life for all of you.

He wants to leave? Great!

@Youfucknugget

Well done for making this post and realising how awful this is for you and your children.

You must leave, and contact women's aid.

On the little you have said, this is a very dangerous situation with escalating behaviour. Infidelity, drugs, control, abuse, children being exposed. Manipulation, demands, silent treatment.

Please, 🙏 get out. With your children. Follow your instinct that made you post.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. This man is horrendously abusive. I am concerned for your safety. Please call Women’s Aid.

Why waste the one short life you have like this?
He is an absolute pig.
There is no way you could be less happy after leaving this abusive idiot.

He’s gaslighting and manipulating you. What does he bring to the relationship? Leave him.

He is utterly foul, LTB, just do it. Being on your own has to be better than this. Imagine the relief!

Please leave this complete cunt so that your 16 year old doesn’t enter the dating game thinking this behaviour is acceptable.

Thank you. I needed to hear that. I know deep down that it’s not right but I’ve lived like this for so long I question my own reality tbh. That’s why I posted, I needed to hear that it’s not all in my head as I’ve been told

To answer a few questions, we have 3 kids, and I don’t allow him to smoke in the house, it’s meant to be in the garden. I can’t actually stop him doing that (or anything) as I know by saying I disagree that he should be doing it I leave myself exposed to being ranted at. In an attempt to not drip feed I met him when I was 16 and he’s 8yrs older. At the time I thought I’d won the lottery having an older guy interested in me, now not so much.

I know how fucking pathetic I must seem to still be here. I’m as pissed off with myself for not ending it as I am with him. I just don’t seem to be able to pull the trigger and I can’t even articulate why. He is the main earner, to the outside world he projects a very different image and I know by ending it I am unending the kids life. They love the house and holidays we have which will all come to a stop as I don’t have anywhere near the earning power he does. For what it’s worth, I don’t think the kids are that aware of what is going on - but that might just be me fooling myself tbh.

But I think I know I need to leave. I’ve been working towards it subconsciously for a while. I now have 2 part times jobs after only working on his business for years, I know all the finances. I’ve looked at houses that I can probably scrap together enough for - I just need the backbone and that’s what I’m lacking

I was going to write a long post but discovered this poster had already said everything I think. Just print this out and read snd reread it.

I hope that starting this thread is your first step towards escaping from this utterly vile man. You are in an abusive relationship OP. It won't get any better as abusers only ever get worse. Get out before he utterly destroys you.

I've never read an OP before with so many reasons to end the relationship. You will be happier and healthier without him. (He obviously thinks he could do better so let him.)

the kids know - they always do

I know I used to wish that someone would observe how things were in my first marriage day to day, and tell me if it looked normal. What you're describing does not sound normal, healthy or bearable.

You know it's not ok to use weed around kids, yes? That would be enough for me tbh.

I do notice that you don't say very much about your role in this conversation. I don't know if this means you weren't saying anything (sounds quite possible) or if you were giving as good as you got. Neither sounds good.

I really do hope that you find the strength to leave this awful man. Sadly, many women have been in your position and many more will be. He's abusive, controlling and blames you for everything whilst taking absolutely no responsibility for his own actions. He's not going to change and it will probably get worse.
What do you want life to look like in a year, 5 years, 10 years? Please don't waste any more of your life with him.
Your children will know more than you think about what's going on. If they think that this behaviour is normal in relationships, they will accept it for themselves. And I'm pretty sure you don't want your children being treated in their own future relationships the same way your DH treats you (or to become abusers themselves).
Leaving him will not only give you a better life, it also shows your children that they do not have to accept this abuse, that they have a choice and they can leave bad relationships.

Your kids will prefer a happy, calm, settled home with love and no abuse, far more than they like holidays and a bigger house.

Check out what benefits you will be entitled to as a single working parent.

Find somewhere to go - and just do it. You'll make it work, one way or another. The sooner you do it, the more time you have to build a new life.

And you'll be amazed at how you'll feel, when you get out from having to deal with this awful man, when you're not living with fear and resentment. You and the kids together can be kind, relaxed, safe and happy.

OP you are not pathetic or sound pathetic at all. You have been with him since you were 16 - and sometimes it takes us a while to realise how toxic things are.
but you can change that. Think of practical next steps. Is the house yours or rented?

I couldn't have put it better myself. He is an abuser.

He's abusing you. You know that. You are always at fault. You are always wrong. You are always less than. You can't argue with him or challenge him because of his mental health or his threats. He is trying to bully you into having sex with him. He's repulsive. He wants you to do it out of duty and not because you want to. Gross.

You need support to leave. Call womans aid or the domestic abuse helpline. You need advice and an exit plan. He's threatening to go to war with you because he's trying to keep you in your place an intimidating you. I think you need to see a solicitor and take some advice (if you can safely and discreetly do that). I think it will help you to know your next steps. When you do decide to leave he'll be threatening suicide. You need to remember that you aren't responsible for his mental health, safety or actions. You are responsible yours and you need to priorities your wellbeing of the yourself and the children.

It's hard to leave and stay gone. It took me a lot of goes because I was so head fucked. You need to this and not look back. Your living a he'll and your kids will think this is what a normal relationship looks like. Imagine your kids picking partners just like him or worse becoming just like him. You need to show them that his behaviour isn't acceptable or to be tolerated. The see and know more than you think. Trust me.

Stay safe @Youfucknugget and be brave.

I know by ending it I am unending the kids life. They love the house and holidays we have which will all come to a stop as I don’t have anywhere near the earning power he does. For what it’s worth, I don’t think the kids are that aware of what is going on - but that might just be me fooling myself tbh.

Of course you are fooling yourself - your sixteen year old saw and asked if you were OK!!! Your sixteen year old is aware their dad is taking drugs at home. Your sixteen year old is frightened of being in a car with their dad. And so on.

Ring Women's Aid. Make a safety plan with them and LEAVE before any more damage is done to your children. They need you to get them out of the abusive home they are living in.

A marriage should be two people looking after each other. You are there for when the other person is down but you also both need to show respect for the other person and to care about their wellbeing.

I think that means arguing sometimes but not swearing at the other person or trying to make them feel bad. Ultimately, he probably shouldn't be smoking weed at all (for the example that sets for teenagers) but you agreed the garden and he broke that agreement. That's on him. You were too scared of causing a fight to say anything directly and he's still blamed it on you.

He sounds like he's walking all over you but you're not pathetic. He probably deliberately chose you because were young and you hadn't learned to set appropriate boundaries and you never got a chance to learn while inside this relationship.

Get advice on leaving safely. But please do leave him.
Awful not only for you, but for your DC

Tell him to piss off

Your kids would be so much less stressed if they didn't have to live in this situation. Please don't fool yourself about holidays making up for it.