Husband has stated its a wife's role to look after her man

[Youfucknugget]

I'm hoping that writing some of this down can help organise my thoughts as I'm struggling to get my point across to my husband. We’ve been having issues for a while, I believe it’s due to the way he treats me - he genuinely doesn’t seem to believe he’s doing anything wrong. Any arguments/discussions are basically circular now and neither of us seem to be able to see the other’s point of view. Our sex life is non-existent atm as I’m unwilling, but we were having sex until 8 weeks ago when things really fell apart. There is a history of past infidelity on his part which he claims is where our issues are stemming from as he believes I can't move on, I think its more than that.

This weekend is a good example of how things currently are. I spent most of the weekend trying to avoid him as when I’d come home from work on Friday the house stunk of weed, so much so our 16yr old commented. I tend to avoid conflict, so hadn’t said anything until he demanded 3 times that I needed to say why I was walking round with a face like a slapped arse as we needed to be communicating more.

When I did eventually say what was bothering me I was told I was out of order, he was near suicidal 3 weeks ago, would I prefer he was still like that as he was using the weed to cope? He’d just got his head back in the game but I’m derailing it. He’s not prepared to live like this, I’m policing him, he’s done, he’s going to leave, if I want to go to war then he’s prepared, He’s been trying to be the best man he can but I'm not doing anything to make our situation better.

He goes on and on about why I’m out of order until I’m worn down. Will tell me that we need to communicate but when I do I’m always in the wrong. I’ve had to point out I’m entitled to my own feelings and emotions in past arguments - he’ll say that I am - immediately followed by a ‘but’ as to how they affect him and his mental health. I’m well aware that by voicing anything he views negatively towards him will just result in hearing about how I’m risking his head going which means he can’t earn - is that what I want etc (he is the main earner). Mentioned that he needs sex and as his wife, that's what wives do, did I want him to just go out fucking?

Ended with him shutting himself away to play computer games for the remainder of the evening

Next morning - I’m getting the kids up for school, walked the dogs, getting ready for work - he is in bed. Comes down to tell me I’m being passive aggressive for not making him a coffee whilst he stays in bed working. Said can we both agree that the deal is he gets 2 coffees in the morning. When I said I wasn’t sure how things had been left after the previous day he then talked at me for 20mins about how he was working, he paid the bills, he wasn’t prepared to put up with this from me, again mentioned that he doesn’t want to go to war but he would.

He stood over me, pointing, gritting his teeth, calling me a cunt, to the point I cry. I’m then told off as our 16yr old saw and asked if I’m ok. Repeatedly asked why I would let our 16yr old see me like that (I had to take him to school for an early revision session for his mocks and he’d already said that he didn’t want his dad taking him as it would stress him out)
.
Came back to him more conciliatory but told I was frustrating him and that’s why he blows up. Talked at for another 15mins about how he’s trying, he thinks if we can just get past ‘this’ life is going to be great, he wants intimacy and as I’m withdrawn so how else is he supposed to act. He doesn’t want to fight but I’m pushing him. Usually ends in the same manner with both of us feeling frustrated that we can’t see the others point of view

It's rumble on this evening which is when he mentioned the wife's role being to look after her man again and asked me to answer how long should a man be expected to stay in a marriage when not getting any sex.

When I pushed back on the wife’s role bit he asked what I thought a wife’s role was and when I answered that i didn’t think there are roles, it’s meant to be a partnership where we both work together for the good of the family - he replied to tell me if it was a partnership like I believed then I should put up with his ranting at me. That I couldn’t have it both ways. Again told that he had done all the work he needed to do on himself and I’d changed nothing. But when pressed on what I need to change the only thing he ever mentions is having more sex.

I'm really struggling to understand his point, he's very fixated on me taking responsibility for the part he believes I've played in how we are now but I'm unwilling to acquiesce - so we are at a stalemate.

So I'm looking for some outsider opinions. From the brief snapshot of our marriage albeit from my side only - am I at fault?

I would never ever stay with a man who called me a cunt. You need to get out of there.

He uses mental health excuses to control. He stresses the whole household out.

Leave him - he’s abusive & is a terrible role model for your son.

Oh and "it's a wife's role to look after her man".

It's a couples role to look after each other.

But in any case, when someone cheats on you; they're not your man. They're at least two women's man.

If he was my man, he wouldn't be spending time with other women. He wouldn't be romancing or schmoozing them and he most definitely wouldn't be sticking his dick up them.

He wants the privileges of a monogamous devoted partnership, while still having the advantages of dating & fucking around.

And I don't care if it's "historic". It shows his values. And he'll always be a risk for it

You don't get that advantage, do you?

What would he do to you if you had been the one cheating? Would he still be there? Would he be treating you nicely?
Would he, fuck.

If you get called a cunt for not cheating on him, even though he'd cheated on you, I dread to think what would happen if you'd been the one cheating.

This man doesn't want an equal, fair, decent relationship.
Understatement.

I have only read your first post as it was crazy.
Forget about how badly he obviously views women . Not that it isn't awful
And focus on the fact that he is being abusive in so many ways to you and your children .
Nothing you have mentioned is good.
The drugs won't be helping his mental health. They probably made it bad in the first place . But even that doesn't matter a you are not responsible for his actions when it comes to him being suicidal.
Which is a great way for people to be controlling and it worked on him controlling you.
He sounds selfish and lazy . Demanding 2 coffees !! How did you get to the point that he thought you would agree?
Has it always been like this .
The example he is settling your children is shocking. So weed and speaking like crap to women will be seen as ok to them.
Also they shouldn't be around drugs at home . That's just neglect.
Why would you stay with this man?

He sounds awful, my only advice is to leave

Get rid of this disgusting specimen. Your life will be immeasurably happier.

Yeah the deal is he gets two coffees in the morning. When he makes them for himself. After the divorce.

Don't think he understands what a deal is. If it was a deal you would at least nominally get something out of it. What he is doing is a "demand."

‘My issues’ were my mother’s, and the same one the OP is in, so it’s relevant - I’d say ‘nasty’ is trying to use my mother’s experience of emotional abuse against me. Your comment effectively victim-blamed the OP, and those things need calling out, because it doesn’t help a woman in the OP’s situation, seeking advice. Commenting on that and a total lack of empathy isn’t derailing, it’s not ‘attacking’ and it’s not ‘nasty,’ it’s entirely apposite. You may have noticed that I’m not the only one who thought you were in the wrong. If you want to believe saying this makes me a bad person, well there’s nothing more I can say.

The OP and women like her need support, not being told they ‘let’ things happen, or blithely stating ‘she can leave’ as if it’s a simple and straightforward matter! It may be necessary, but it’s hard to get to that point, especially when being told they’re ‘letting’ stuff happen that they have no control over.

He's abusive and you need to find the strength to leave for the sake of your children if not yourself. You are teaching them this is what a relationship is - is this what you'd want for them when they are older? Call Refuge or Women's Aid and they will help you to leave. Please, do not stay with this man!!

Please get some support from Womens Aid / Refuge / local Women's support group to make a plan and leave. Controlling men can be extremely unpredictable, as I'm sure you are aware, so you need to be careful when leaving.

You will be so much better off without him in your life. It will be difficult. He's worked hard to get you where he wants and won't give that up without a fight. If at any point you feel in danger, don't hesitate to cal 999 for the Police.

Leaving is the right thing to do, you will find the strength to do it, focus on having a peaceful, happy life where you are in control of what you do. This is something that is waiting for you when you are clear from this awful man. You can do this.

LTB

Honestly he's so awful.

It's an abusive situation and the thought of kids living in this is horrible.

The drug addiction alone would be a dealbreaker for me.

Report him to the police.

Get evidence of abuse & leave.

OP please reread your original post. I can summarise it for you: your husband:

• is verbally and emotionally abusive
• tries to manipulate you into sex
• gaslights you by blaming you for the problems
• smokes weed
• stresses out your child at a crucial time in his education
• has misogynistic views

Some of these on their own are reason enough to end a marriage (well actually any of them, you can end a marriage for any reason you want) but all of them together are absolutely awful. OP please leave this vile cunt.

OP, you are not pathetic. Please don't refer to yourself as such. If one of your children ended up in a situation like this, would you think them pathetic? I am sure you wouldn't, so treat yourself with the same kindness.

You've had the wool pulled over your eyes, but you are now seeing the situation for what it is and that is the only thing that matters.

This!

I guess it won’t surprise some of you that he is acting as though none of this happened now. Calling me wifey, talking about plans for a summer holiday. I’m recognising it as part of a cycle - this is when I usually just feel relieved that it’s over and fall in line to get some peace.

But I’ve been re-reading the thread and the responses. You’ve struck a chord that my kids do deserve better - I have to do better. I don’t know how I’ll do that yet, and the thought of a future navigating the shit show that it’s going to be terrifies me. But I’ve always said I’d do anything for my kids - and this is that ‘anything’. I’m off work tomorrow and so I’m going to go for a walk and ring Woman’s Aid to start the ball rolling.

i have been on a roller coaster of emotions the last couple of days - usually I’m basically numb and don’t think about it. It’s a bit of a mindfuck to try to comprehend that you may have spent all of your adult life being emotionally abused. I am a reasonable intelligent person, I get great work reviews, my kids are incredible humans so I know I’ve done something right there - yet I allowed myself to be treated like that and didn’t even notice.

I’ll keep re-reading the thread to make sure I’m reminded why I’m doing it. Thank you again. I’m sorry so many of you have the experience to pass onto me - but I’m so grateful that you’ve shared it.

👏👏👏
You are strong and smart and you will overcome this. Don't be too hard on yourself about having lived this way for so long. One thing abusers know instinctively is how to use intermittent reinforcement. Intermittent reinforcement is what they do when they sense you're thinking of ending it. They throw you some crumbs to make you think there is hope that they will stop what they are doing to hurt you and that they care about you. Abusers are predators and predators hone their instincts, so they know when they are in danger of losing control of the prey. The intermittent reinforcement technique is so powerful it is used in state sponsored torture to get information from people who are far tougher than you or I could ever be. They use it because it works on pretty much anybody. So think of that every time you are tempted to heap blame on yourself. What he's doing now is more of the same and now you know it. He can't fool you anymore because you've seen the man behind the curtain.
Welcome to freedom and the fabulous new life that's waiting for you. 🩷

Your journey ahead will terrify you, it won't be quick or easy @Youfucknugget but it will be worth it. The pennies started dropping and now they won't stop. You see right through his act. He doesn't know you are now playing a different game.

Women's Aid will support you throughout.

They deal with situations like yours every day, you know you want to leave you just need all the tools first to help you do that. Please don't ever feel that you are under anyone else's timeline. 💪

If it's too difficult for you to end it, could you just agree with him when he threatens you with him leaving? Play him at his own game, totally agree it's awful for him, your rotten and yes, it's for the best he should leave whilst he can! Of course he's not going to just leave, but double down on what he's saying, your probably never going to want to have sex with him, so yes leave and go do that. Your never going to be able to keep him happy, so yes it's time he left and found someone else who can fulfill him. When he starts backtracking, tell him you both know your going to be on same situation as arguments never stop... Keep agreeing how awful it all is and you finally see his side and splitting up is the best way forward, what a shame and all that, but you hope he finds someone who deserves him.... Your going to need lots of time and space to work on yourself...

Get legal advice ASAP

You know you need to leave him, you're deluding yourself if you think the kids don't notice how he treats you. It's really not fair on them.

I wanted to update this thread with what’s happened in the weeks since I posted as I’ve been regularly re-reading it to keep me on track so documenting my progress will be helpful for me.

A few days on from my post and after I’d had a call with Woman’s Aid he raised the issues again from his point of view and said he’d booked a session of couples counselling for us. I’d been told by woman’s aid that counselling isn’t advised if the relationship is abusive but I couldn’t think of a good enough reason to give him so we did the session. It was fairly clear to me that the counsellor picked up on abuse pretty quickly and described him as having a very patriarchal view and said he placed himself in a position of grandiose over me. He didn’t disagree with that nor could he see that as an issue. After the session which he seemed to believe would be a magic fix to all our problems he asked me how I thought it had gone and if I could now move on from the past - I told him that I couldn’t because he was emotionally abusive. He absolutely disagreed with this, and said I was the abusive one for withdrawing and refusing sex. He then said if he was abusive then why was I still with him and did I want a divorce. And for the 1st time ever I said yes.

He initially was a bit gobsmacked, and has double checked with me pretty much every day since if this is what I really, really want. And I’ve stuck to my guns.

The message he is relaying to the outside world (and he is telling everyone) is that I checked out of the marriage years ago, he’s tried his hardest but he can’t take it anymore, it’s sad but life moves on etc. During 1 discussion recently I said has he told anyone what I actually said were the reasons for the marriage ending and he said no, because all women make up abuse claims when they want out of a marriage and he wasn’t the abusive one, I was. I did say at one point what did he think people would say if I started voicing my version of the marriage - he asked if that was ‘a threat’ and that he advised me not to do that.

So as things stand we have agreed to divorce and plan to tell the kids after GCSEs are done. There are a few jobs to tidy up the house before putting it on the market which hopefully will be done this month then I’ll get an estate agent round.

In terms of asset splits. We only really have the house. He has agreed that I can ring fence my inheritance and split the rest 50/50 as long as I don’t try to claim any of the future business or his earnings. Is this likely to be signed off by a judge? I want a clean break and know that any interest I retain in the business is likely to be used as a method of control in future and I can’t face that. I am a shareholder in the main business and he has options in others than I’m not part of - is this likely to be foolish on my part? I know I need to see a solicitor but he wants to keep them out of it and I don’t have the money to pay for one. 100% of my wages goes on bills and towards the kids/food/tutoring/activities which I’ve cut down as much as I can but bills are rising faster than my efforts. And there’s also the possibility that if I retain an interest in the business, he can just scuttle it and sets up a new one anyway - hence why I’m leaning towards just signing it over in return for (hopefully) more upfront equity.

And with regards to the kids. He has no interest in custody or parenting. Still wants to see them but only when he’s got time or in the country. For me this is the hardest thing to get my head around. - that he doesn’t want to be an involved Dad. What’s even more of a head fuck is that I know the kids won’t mind. When I gently raised the idea of being in a smaller house with my youngest (as I want to start them getting use to the fact that we can’t live here forever) they replied as long as it was just me and them (and reluctantly their siblings) they’d be happy. They are only 9 but have a very surface level relationship with him that I only really realised recently. The kids have always been so much closer to me, it’s me they chat too, text, ask for things from. So much so that sometimes when I’m at work and they are home with him they’ll ring me to ask me to ask him for food or a drink for them rather than approach him themselves. Luckily there’s a fairly good wraparound school club that I can use and I know the older ones will step up and help when I need to work during school holidays.

So that’s it so far. He’s started off being very amenable although I can sense a change in his attitude which is probably coming from his many chats to other divorced men and being advised to screw me over - so I have no doubts that despite his promises to the contrary he will try to fuck me over financially. He seems incredibly happy at the minute as I guess he’s picturing how perfect his life is going to be without me holding him back. He’s always told me women would be falling over themselves for him, and I’m sure he’s fishing around with the women he always kept in the background for hook ups - which again just reinforces that he never 100% committed to us. There’s no shouting or threats now, which of course makes me second guess my decision but I know I need to see it through as if I crumble now his entitlement will just get worse. For my part I am just keeping out of his way, I can barely look at him tbh.

Again, thank you for all the responses, even the ones calling me out for allowing it to happen and for so long. It’s really difficult to explain why I put up with it for so long - I know if I heard someone else recounting just some of the stuff he’s put me through I’d struggle to understand why it took so long to leave - but it’s just all I’ve ever known and to come to terms with the fact the person you loved the most once is responsible for so much damage is tough. But I’m determined to get out the other side

you need a solicitor - would you not be entitled to legal aid?

Well done OP - that is huge progress since you first posted. I am in awe! I agree it would be worth seeing a solicitor about the split of assets. Personally I'd see it as a positive that he doesn't want to be too involved with the kids!

You really, REALLY need to see a solicitor. The fact he doesn't want one involved even more so - you cannot trust him. He does not have your best interests at heart. FFS he doesn't even have his children's best interests at heart. You can get a free half hour consultation and go from there. You can also post your situation in the Legal section on here. At the very least you'll get advice on what information to gather for the consultation and where to start.

Go to a solicitor OP. He'll probably remarry and give your joint children nothing. You have to fight now for as much as possible. Good luck.

You need a solicitor but your intuition that he would rather crater the business and start over than share with you is probably good.

If you can’t afford a solicitor you can head fake him and tell him you have been advised to go after half the business and his pension but you would consider renouncing your interest in that for more of the equity in the house. It’s a “don’t throw me in the briar patch” strategy. In avoiding what seems to be the greater risk (money later) you may get more money now, which is if more value to you.