Feeling a bit hurt to be left out of bridal party/hen

[Bounty9]

I have been with DH for 12 years, married for 4. SIL and I have always got along well, had nights out together, afternoon teas, spa days. Admittedly not best of friends, but always friends. She was one of my bridesmaids along with 2 of my closest friends and my sister. We both have children now who have play dates and we babysit her kids. I planned her baby showers and am friendly with her friends, including her maid of honour.

She’s getting married soon, DD (3) is her flower girl. Fair enough, I’m not a bridesmaid. I get it, it’s expensive, but I haven’t been invited to her hen either - which lots of people are going to, it’s a bottomless brunch and a night out which we used to do a lot pre-kids.

I am feeling a bit hurt by it. I’m going to keep quiet and just let it go obviously but DH doesn’t get it. I just wanted to voice it because I feel meh. I’m being sensitive aren’t I 😂

I agree with the last more conciliatory posts I think there are very good reasons not to include inlaws at a hen do. I definitely don’t think you should take some kind of revenge or ice her out. This is a long term relationship! I would call and offer a friendly tea or drink “just us disters in law” and then just chill. You will be holidaying and visiting as family for a long time. Better to take the high road and see how the relationship develops than shoot it in the head at the start over pique.

Yeah I definitely don't want to fall out over it.. I think it's more that maybe I've seen it as more of a friendship over these last 12 years than she has that's a bit of a stinger - but such is life!

I hope its something innocuous OP

Do not be a pushover. People pleasing and fawning behaviour does a person no favours at all.

Bounty's SIL has caused this whole sorry situation to arise here by her actions, not Bounty herself. And I would not readily if at all go on holiday with someone like the SIL that Bounty describes either.

The simplest explanation is often the correct one. You've been missed out and deliberately so for some reason (it is usually some sort of transgression in their head) because her mother knows when you asked about the hen and she changed the subject.

(There was a long thread some time ago about a woman who was left out of her brother's actual wedding for some reason unknown to her. She only found out that had taken place when she received photos of all her other relatives at the civil ceremony. It had been kept deliberately quiet from her).

I also hope, but I fear not!

I get it OP I really do.

But sometimes it's OK to do different things with different friends/relations too.

I have no siblings, none of my own in-laws / nieces / nephews at all, no godchildren, no-one outside of my own very small immediate family with whom I really have that very close family tie. I have some cousins but they also have their own siblings. And I am miles and miles away from my in-laws.

Maybe try to re-frame it, "She'll be trashed, I'd hate making smalltalk with her mate Lisa from work, I can't be bothered spending £300 on essentially a day out, I wouldn't want to wear a pink stetson anyway, whatever whatever." Honestly I would have a lovely sleepover with the nieces and nephews at mine and even let her have an alone hangover day afterwards.

Most people I know have 3 or 4 hen-dos of varying degrees of debauchery for work / family / school friends or whatever. Just because you're not in the mix with this one doesn't mean that she doesn't really really value your relationship in other ways.

I really wouldn't want to go now @Bounty9 as like pps say if you do get an invitation you will wonder if she actually wants you there. Spend your money on a night out with your own friends or family instead. Then you can enjoy the wedding knowing that's a family occasion and that's what she sees you as.

Could it not be because the conversation or activities might not be things she wants in front of her sil?

I disagree. OP had her SIL as her own bridesmaid and invited her on her hen night. She regularly babysits for her and considers her a good friend.

She is OK about not being asked to be a bridesmaid but to be deliberately left out of the hen do is very hurtful. Why on earth should OP pretend that it doesn't matter and still go out of her way to help her SIL, even offering to babysit?

There are normally consequences from a deliberate snub like this and it is unfair to expect OP just to suck it up and to tell her that her that it would be wrong of her to spoil a lovely relationship. The relationship can't be so lovely if her SIL can treat her like this.

Let it go OP.

Its likely your SIL is the very traditional sort who thinks that a hen party is for her side of the family and her friends only, as it used to be decades ago, before hen parties became a big marketable event with all the expense.
Traditionally, the wedding breakfast was the event which then brought the two families and two sets of friends together to celebrate.

If you think that could possibly be the reason, I wouldn’t ask anybody to intervene on your behalf, I wouldn’t demand to know why myself and I wouldn’t take offence either.
Just enjoy the wedding. Seeing your little one as bridesmaid will be wonderful.

I'm not suggesting she should 'suck it up'. But I have been around long enough to know that for so many reasons no-one can expect reciprocity when it comes to anything to do with weddings. I think OP could just sort of 'live with it' and not read too much into it. I mean if there was a litany of this sort of stuff then fine, but this does seem pretty-much a one-off (which on the other hand, makes it unusual I know).

Honestly I think there's so much passive aggression between women that I find difficult to navigate! Yes ideally the SIL would ideally have told OP 'look, I'm doing XYZ for my hen but you're not invited because I don't what you seeing what I get up to / because my other friends will think you're boring / because I have something to hide, because I think you're a frumpy-looking so-and-so that won't fit with the insta vibe I'm cultivating etc. etc.' but that's simply not going to happen.

OP isn't invited, MIL has pretty-much confirmed that. But you know what, we can't all do everything, with everyone, all the time.

What I am saying is that out of all of the interactions in this relationship, past, about to happen, and in the future, is it worth falling out or cooling an otherwise lovely relationship over this?

Would you actually send her a message like that? That would put her in such an awkward position.

She probably just wants to be able to relax and get drunk and play the gross games without her in laws around. Different people change the dynamic, it's not a personal slight.

It's pretty clear from your MILs reaction you aren't invited, so I would just accept it and move on, sorry.

I think you are probably right. There will be something about the OP that the bride just feels is out of step with her and her crew. She's either too wild or not wild enough, too glamorous or not glamorous enough etc. It doesn't mean she doesn't like her, she's fine as a SIL but otherwise they probably woulldn't be friends. That's the message I'd get from this. Harsh, but there it is.

The thing is, whatever approach you take that isn't just 'suck it up and accept it quietly and without complaint' is going to involve putting the bride on the spot and an awkward atmosphere will be unavoidable if she senses that you are hurt and disappointed and she needs to justify herself and spell it out. Unless you can pull it off in a very light hearted jokey way, where there is no expectation that she will change her mind and invite you out of pity or duty, then it's best left unmentioned.

The last thing you want is to be invited as an afterthought because she's been guilt tripped into it. That would be awful for you and her. And that's if she even does invite you. She might actually tell you straight why she hasn't and you'll wish you hadn't asked. It's horrible and unfair but best handled with dignity and an air of 'I'm really not bothered.'

Actually OP said the opposite. She said they are “friends but admittedly not the best of friends”. & family regularly babysit for each other. That doesn’t mean they’re besties. It’s what family do. She’s spending time with her nieces and nephews. I’d do that for a SIL I hate because I’d want to see my nieces and nephews.

As for OP having her as bridesmaid. That was OPs choice. You can’t commandeer a spot as bridesmaid at someone’s wedding by making them one at yours first. It’s not a tit for tat situation. The SIL might have several sisters of her own. Her partner might have sisters. She might have 3 really, really close lifelong friends. Her brother’s wife would be waaaaay down the list for bridesmaid, even if she’s friendly with her. But OP should be bridesmaid too just to return the favour? That isn’t how that should work.

You have decided OP has been “deliberately left out” and “snubbed” and “treated like this” but I (& others) see none of that here. You can be friends with a SIL and like them and appreciate them but you still see them as part of your family group rather than friends group. That isn’t a snub.

Put it this way. If the SIL decided not to marry her partner would OP still be babysitting for her? Would they still meet up for lunches? Likely not. Because their friendship is contextual to their familial relationship only.

I think that some of the people invited tend to go feral and she doesn't want you to witness that bit.

Normally with hen parties, the maid of honour or someone is responsible for setting up the WhatsApp group, sending out invites etc. it’s possible that the MOH has accidentally left you off?

If this happened to me I would wait until long after the hen do and after the wedding to try and subtly find out why I wasn’t invited. I would take a step back from the SIL, I have too much self respect to go where I am not wanted. I would never fish for an invitation to an event I was clearly excluded from.

yes it’s hurtful - but nothing can change that. If the bride says now oh sorry I forgot to invite you, will you ever believe her?

She mustn’t really like you or value your relationship. She knows this is visible and hurtful and she has done it anyway. When someone shows you how they feel about you, believe them.

Reminds me of when my "brother" asked me to be a godparent 15 years ago. Obviously I was delighted. He went cold for an unknown reason. Parents very hush hush about it. Wasn't until my nan asked if we were going to the christening. First I had heard of it. We are very low contact now. I do still feel very hurt and I've never received answers so it's very odd.

Almost like a Schrödinger's Invitation! Yes, I would kinda prefer to stay in this state indefinitely too! 😂

OP does think that they are friends as she has said:

'Like I said, we’ve always been friends. We’re close in age and essentially grew up together over the last 12 years, as I met DH when I was 20 (and she was 22), which is why it came as a surprise.

But maybe someone messed up the invites, maybe she just didn’t want me there for some reason. I’m definitely not babysitting either way 😂 I would like to know though, just my own curiosity.'

Many other posters have recognised that this is a snub, whether deliberate or not.

Agree with that. @LucyMonth — it’s a situational relationship. I’m fond of two of my SILs, but they’re not people I would have chosen spontaneously as friends. If DH and I divorced, realistically I probably wouldn’t see them again, though would do occasional texts. That doesn’t mean I dislike them, or that the relationship has no value, obviously, it’s just different to my actual friendships.

Yes, but it can happen in any kind of friendship that the people involved have different ideas about what’s at stake. The OP absolutely thinks of it as a friendship , but that’s not to say her SIL sees it the same way. One of my oldest friends has a completely different narrative of why we stopped being friends as teenagers, for instance.

I would want the Bride to Be to own her choices - for someone that has been your bridesmaid or is good enough to look after her child, she should have the decency to say "I'm sorry you're not invited to the hen night because Barbara wants us to run around with inflatable penii and I know that's not your bag, let's do a nice lunch". Leaving it with a schrodingers invite basically is a rejection, and it almost says that the Bride to be doesn't give a crap that she is rejecting you.

And if getting the bride to express that she doesn't like you that much is going to be awkward for her.. well she's a grown up, and should know that's how it rolls. I mean, I hope it's just a Matron of Honour cock up at the end, but the bride needs to know this now, rather than thinking that you've rejected her!

I'd play dumb and message her like you know nothing about it: "Have you any ideas what you you'd like to do for your hen night yet? Let me know if you'd like any help organising it." That puts the ball firmly in her court with no awkwardness from you. Be prepared for a response along the lines of 'sorry, but there was a limit on numbers and you didn't make the cut.'