Feeling a bit hurt to be left out of bridal party/hen

[Bounty9]

I have been with DH for 12 years, married for 4. SIL and I have always got along well, had nights out together, afternoon teas, spa days. Admittedly not best of friends, but always friends. She was one of my bridesmaids along with 2 of my closest friends and my sister. We both have children now who have play dates and we babysit her kids. I planned her baby showers and am friendly with her friends, including her maid of honour.

She’s getting married soon, DD (3) is her flower girl. Fair enough, I’m not a bridesmaid. I get it, it’s expensive, but I haven’t been invited to her hen either - which lots of people are going to, it’s a bottomless brunch and a night out which we used to do a lot pre-kids.

I am feeling a bit hurt by it. I’m going to keep quiet and just let it go obviously but DH doesn’t get it. I just wanted to voice it because I feel meh. I’m being sensitive aren’t I 😂

I find it utterly bizarre that so many of you would rather cut off your nose to spite your face than have a straightforward conversation with someone telling them how leaving you out of an event makes you feel sad and rejected. 😳

I wonder if these are the same sort of people who re-post pointless memes suggesting they’ve always available to talk if Facebook friends are feeling suicidal??

No wonder so many people suffer from mental health issues! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t think not being in the bridal party is a thing as your DD has been chosen instead which is more traditional. Maybe SIL has applied this to her hen do as well and just wants her friends and side of the family.
I can’t see what can be gained by trying to find out why you aren’t invited, at best (is it even best) you get a pity invite.

I'd feel a bit hurt too to be honest. However I would not be asking her brother (Or anyone else) to find out more. If you have a close enough relationship where you feel you shouldn't be invited then you are close enough to ask her directly. Involving your husband puts a degree of distance between you and indicates you are not actually that close to have a conversation about it.

Well out of order. It would change things going forward for me. Sorry op

Oh god I’m totally with @WilfredsPies - no invite is worth digging about to find out if you’ve got one. You haven’t been invited, wrongly imo, you should have been and I think it’s out of order but any invite now will be a pity/panic one and you’ll know you weren’t really invited in the first place.
Please don’t get anyone doing the investigating on your behalf, it’s a bit cringey and sad.
I’m really sorry you haven’t been invited, it’s a bit cruel and doesn’t sound like there’s a genuine reason for you to not have been invited but you haven’t so I’d cool the friendship. Not as in start being mean to her obviously but just pull back and be less keen to help out. It sounds like you’ve been used.

I would be hurt and would explicitly ask because I wouldn't be able to go to the wedding and smile wondering if the bride was pissed off with me or had decided I just wasn't worthy of an invite. Weddings are a huge financial and energy drain. I wouldn't be prepared to invest any of either into the wedding of a close family member who didn't want me at their hen do unless they had spoken to me about it and given me a very good reason. I would have to text her and ask her outright. If I wasn't invited then I wouldn't go to the wedding and I'd let my husband deal with all of the arranging and gift buying and flower girl getting ready.

The only problem is - even if she tells you it was a cock up by the MoH how are you going to know if it really was or if she just now feels pressured into saying that because you asked?

This. Surely you don't want a pity invite?

This.

Though unless the groom is having his stag on the same night, he should be looking after his own kids - assuming they are his.

If she asks you to babysit say no, you've got plans.

Well, maybe that’s going to happen in the OP’s situation, too? I agree there’s a potential gulf between actual friends you’ve chosen for yourself and ILs, however fond of them you are.

This is weird, no obvious reason you wouldnt be invited. The only thing I could think of is if she didn't want soeone else there (your shared MIL or a sister/aunt?) there then maybe she hasn't invited you to not look like she's singling her out? Either that or she thinks you won't be able to go for some reason (looking after kids if your DH is going to his brothers stag the same night?)
Weddings always cause a bit of drama, sometimes I wonder if they are worth it!

Exactly! No one would ever do that.

I would absolutely be asking her why you're not invited. Coz that is fucking weird.

I think not to be in the bridal party is fine - hen night not so fine I'd be hurt - I wouldn't say anything but if you were to getting your dh to message are ask is the best approach.

I can understand why you are hurt. Having read all your responses, I can only imagine that while she likes you well enough, she might feel you are chalk and cheese socially and you and her friends are not a good mix and the same with her in a room full of your friends. Perhaps she pulled out of your hen do with the excuse of being unwell but she couldn't face it for other reasons? Some people get very socially anxious about mixing with people who are not their type, especially if it's likely to a raucous sort of affair, which with hen nights there is often that expectation. It's not for everyone.

I think you should be able to ask her gently if there is an issue though. I know it would be hard but I think you deserve to understand her reasoning on this.

If you have form for getting far too drunk and starting arguments or making a complete tit of yourself or something, then I'd totally get it and I'd not be wanting to invite you either. Do you? That's not an accusation by the way, I'm just trying to imagine her logic here. If she's quite a quiet bookish type with similar friends then that might make sense.

There was a similar thread to this last year. Close friend had been left off the guest list for the hen and the wedding despite providing a free day of childcare weekly on her own day off for the brides toddler and providing all food, nappies etc. If memory serves she was then asked to look after all the children on the day of the wedding.

Unless as a PP suggested you have form for being a bit of a nightmare when pissed, I think you are definitely being lined up to baby sit, not just for the hen but also to be run ragged around after the flower girls etc on the day of the wedding. MIL will be in the main photos and presumably her own children are flower girl/page boys so along with your daughter they'll need managing.

Thanks everyone, it’s definitely not going to ruin my life - it just felt a bit off, that’s all. Like I said, we’ve always been friends. We’re close in age and essentially grew up together over the last 12 years, as I met DH when I was 20 (and she was 22), which is why it came as a surprise.

But maybe someone messed up the invites, maybe she just didn’t want me there for some reason. I’m definitely not babysitting either way 😂 I would like to know though, just my own curiosity.

Ooh..do you think that's why you've not been invited? So you can be the babysitter? Bloody cheeky if that's the case. I'd have to tell her to eff off 😒

My SIL had 12 bridesmaids, I wasn't one of them. We had known each other since we were children. It made me rethink our relationship. I thought we were close friends, turns out we were on good terms.

I'm still happy to babysit, we get along fine and go out with our OHs occupationally. I don't invest in the relationship like I did before.

I was with my husband for 10 years before we married. I’d socialise with my SILs all the time. Especially the oldest one who is close in age to me. We’ve done the spa days and the brunches. She still didn’t come to my hen do. There’s still an element of being “on my best behaviour” when I’m socialising with her. I can’t say “my MIL has been a f**king nightmare this week” because that’s her Mum! I think you can be close to people and spend a lot of time with them and still have a completely different relationship with them to your friends from school or your work friends.

When you mix different groups there can be this feeling of having to “host” everyone and make sure they are having a good time and not sitting awkwardly on their own. I disagree that it would be a normal thing to do to message someone and tell them they AREN’T invited to something and why. That’s odd IMO.

I think there’s 3 options

1. It’s something like what I’m describing or..

2. SIL has just randomly decided to be a horrible bitch to OP for no apparent reason whatsoever or…

3. OP has just assumed she’s not invited but it doesn’t seem like she actually knows for sure that’s even the case.

Awww hopefully it's a mix up and she assumed her brother would pass on the details? Or shes going to organise a family hen event separately?? Awkward.

Rather than distancing and causing a family rift I would do the opposite. I would message her and ask what she would like to do with you to celebrate her upcoming marriage, for example would she like to meet for lunch or afternoon tea?

It implicitly acknowledges you haven't been invited to the hen do, so if it is a mistake she can rectify it, and if it isn't a mistake you are able to rise above it and extend the hand of friendship.

Mistakes do happen, and also judgment can be a bit off when it comes to weddings. My oldest friend phoned me a week before my wedding and awkwardly asked if he was being invited. His invitation had been lost in the post, and turned up 3 weeks after our wedding. I had been wondering for there was something wrong that he hadn't replied. There are also people who we invited only to the evening do who in retrospect should have come to the whole day, and they have been gracious enough never to mention it or allow it to affect our relationships.

I think I only hesitate as I don't really want to message her and say 'hiya, your mum mentioned you're doing a bottomless brunch for the hen, that sounds fun! What's the time/date so I can stick it in my diary?' and then she messages back 'oh yeah sorry, you aren't invited' because that will hurt, I can't lie.

At least at the moment I'm kind of still erring on the side of oh maybe she's forgotten.. I just thought if DH could drop it into conversation someone might say oh crap, Bounty hasn't been invited! But then maybe I'm just being a bit stupid, as I definitely did that when I mentioned it to MIL 2 weeks ago.

Why don't you just say to her, look, I know you're doing XYZ for your hen do, but I would love to do ABC with you as well, shall we sort something out, even after the wedding perhaps? If it's an oversight she'll invite you. If not but if everything's OK between you, she'll be keen on your suggestion. If something is awry, she'll fob you off.

Honestly hen dos can be a bit of a nightmare as PPs have said, mixing different people. It's her hen do, maybe she wants to go wild without you or other family members there, who knows?!

Please please don't cool what is otherwise a lovely relationship over this. For various reasons all of my in-laws and DC's cousins are very far-flung and I would love nothing more than for us all to spend more time together. Imagine in 10 years time you look back and think of all of the lovely family BBQs / games nights / holidays / support during difficult times that you COULD have had, but hell you threw that away because you weren't invited to the hen do of your DH's sister who had already been with her DP for years and years and had kids etc. etc. anyway - and to top it off, she never REALLY knew why that was, she may think its because you're not a bridesmaid, or you didn't like the choice of napkins at the wedding, or you just changed and became funny with her for no reason.

Hell I would even babysit for her and wish her all the best! Honestly I would feel a bit stung at first in your position but then I'd just thing fuck it, our relationship is worth more than me throwing the toys out of the pram over this.

You may be able to tell that I have been subject to some fairly horrendous family shit over the years, something like this really wouldn't register much for me. Be the bigger person, wish her well, and be thankful that you have an otherwise lovely, functioning family!

But if you receive an invite now you won't know if it is genuine. That's just as awkward, no?