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Original poster

Help! He proposed

119 replies

LittleHouse76 · 09/03/2025 02:44

My partner of four years proposed yesterday. It was romantic and with friends in company. I was literally terrified when I realised what was happening.

I feel terrible. Under pressure I mumbled yes. He deserves better and it was all very sweet. However I'm annoyed it wasn't discussed. I do love him but we are both second timers and have nearly adult kids. We'd need a pre nup for my kids in my will (I'm better off).

I think he's done it for love. We've both said (post proposal) that marriage is at least three years off as we don't live together.

Do i just go along with it (I love him and want to be with him) as I know marriage is quite distant?

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleHouse76 · 09/03/2025 02:52

Sorry I should say that I'm terrified of marriage, was happy how the relationship was and don't want to upset him. He's a lovely man but I value my independence. There is no pressure to marry immediately though, so is it ok to accept the proposal?

OP posts:
LivingwithHopenowandforever · 09/03/2025 02:56

I believe honesty is the best policy always.

Just tell him what you have told us and if he is your guy he will get it & you will decide between the both of you whether a long engagement is what works for you or….

If his reaction is the opposite then at least you know where he stands on things…..

Good Luck x

Dillydollydingdong · 09/03/2025 02:56

Not really. You'll just get swept along and get to the stage where you feel it's impossible to back out. I know. It's happened to me. Tell him you only said yes because people were there and you didn't want to embarrass him by saying no.

needapokerface · 09/03/2025 03:06

Congratulations and yes you could just stay engaged for as long as you want. If you are happy as you are you need to have an honest conversation with him and explain your reasons. He may be happy to wait 5 years, 10 years or never for the wedding.

If you are wearing his engagement ring that might be enough for him as it shows commitment to each other.

Summerhillsquare · 09/03/2025 03:27

There are many tips to be had on here from the threads where the man puts off marriage and children to the OP. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Yellowsunbeams · 09/03/2025 03:30

You'd need a pre-nup before you married and not in your will! Yes, I know they are not fully binding in the UK but that or a trust would be your best bet. If you got married and he moved into your house, who would inherit the house? Would he have to move out? Does he enough to buy his own house? Life interests are tricky and would you want your children to wait for their inheritance?

The fact that you say, "I think he's done it for love" is I think significant. You obviously thought, at least fleetingly, about the alternative which is that he's after your money and house. There is no man so in love as the man who is sharing a rented house with not much money. Now obviously young and poor is one thing but to have to got to a mature age, absent tremendously bad luck like sickness or disability, without much money would concern me. I mean maybe he is perfectly comfortable and does fine with less money.

I am presuming you are long past the age of planning new children so why are you going to go from living separately to marriage in one go. Why not just live together?

The thing though that would worry me - a lot - is whether he has any superannuation saved. You might end up being a nurse with a purse. I'd be having a very frank discussion about his financial situation with him.

woolshop · 09/03/2025 03:55

Would definitely trial living together for at least 2-3 yrs as research says it takes that long before the rose coloured glasses fall off and you see the real person. And don’t sell your own place !

TeaAndMuffins · 09/03/2025 04:14

According to most research, people who do not cohabit before marriage tend to have a lower likelihood of divorce compared to those who live together before getting married.

BlondiePortz · 09/03/2025 04:17

So you need a prenuptial as you are better off? Not sure they are legal but maybe it should should be suggested if it was the other way round?

If you don't want to marry him then say so

healthybychristmas · 09/03/2025 04:40

He was being very unfair proposing in front of other people as that puts a lot of pressure on you to respond positively. He was also very unfair proposing without discussing marriage with you when actually it's a legal partnership in which he would benefit more than you do

TunipTheVegimal24 · 09/03/2025 04:53

I get it OP, I periodically have stress dreams about getting married 😬

Unfortunately, you can't marry someone out of politeness. It will be awkward taking back your "yes", but you don't have much choice.

Rip off the bandaid sooner rather than later, it will be a relief x

Whodrankmytea · 09/03/2025 05:09

I have decided I would never get married again for the reasons you have outlined. I have my own children, he has his and I'm financially better off so I can see now advantage.

Triptraptrippytap · 09/03/2025 05:20

Second time for both of us. His proposal wasn’t really romantic. We’d just been together for a fortnight on a learn to sail holiday in Gibraltar. We’d just finished dinner and he casually said “we could get married, if you want to”. I immediately said yes, I had no qualms at all.

It’s easy to write your will to protect your children’s inheritance. We didn’t have a prenup. We were together for 20 lovely years. He died suddenly, just before Christmas.

If it’s right, you know.

Never2many · 09/03/2025 05:29

God, men can’t win can they?

There are countless threads on here from women whose partners refuse to talk about marriage, who are waiting for proposals which never happen, and in some cases, like the OP, after the proposal, the man changes his mind. And every single one of those is criticised and the OP is advised to end the relationship.

I totally get not wanting to get married again. I don’t. But if you didn’t get married this presumably had already been discussed? After all, if you’ve been in a relationship for some time then the future is something you talk about. So if it never was then I’d say the relationship is flawed anyway. Not because you don’t want to get married, but because you’ve never actively discussed the future in a long term relationship.

I agree with PP that you need to break off the engagement. But then you also need to accept that this could be the end of the relationship.

Charismatica · 09/03/2025 05:31

TunipTheVegimal24 · 09/03/2025 04:53

I get it OP, I periodically have stress dreams about getting married 😬

Unfortunately, you can't marry someone out of politeness. It will be awkward taking back your "yes", but you don't have much choice.

Rip off the bandaid sooner rather than later, it will be a relief x

I could have written this. I feel stressed just reading about your predicament OP!

I was recently in a similar position to you but decided NOT to marry. We are still together but I have no regrets. I know I would feel suffocated by another marriage and it would complicate my finances too much.

Follow your instincts.

FortyElephants · 09/03/2025 05:33

Summerhillsquare · 09/03/2025 03:27

There are many tips to be had on here from the threads where the man puts off marriage and children to the OP. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Did you miss that they have both been married before and have adult kids? This is hardly the equivalent situation!

Never2many · 09/03/2025 05:42

FortyElephants · 09/03/2025 05:33

Did you miss that they have both been married before and have adult kids? This is hardly the equivalent situation!

Show quote history

Not really. It’s different in that they don’t want children, but marriage is still important to some people whether it’s the first or second time around.

Nobody is wrong for not wanting to get married again. I have a partner and we initially talked about marriage and said that was what we wanted, but as time has gone on factors have made it impossible, and now we’re at a point where marriage just isn’t that important any more.

But if the OP is in a long term relationship with this man, then surely whether they might want to marry or even live together one day is something they will have had? Don’t all couples?

Justleaveitblankthen · 09/03/2025 05:47

I'm cringeing about him doing it in the company of friends 😳
Public proposals are excruciating for bystanders alone, let alone the unsuspecting victim.
One might think he knew what he was doing 🤔

To be honest, I would tell him quite soon you accepted to save his embarrassment. His.

HelmholtzWatson · 09/03/2025 06:01

We'd need a pre nup

Is this really at the forefront of people's minds when considering marriage? Jesus...

FortyElephants · 09/03/2025 06:05

HelmholtzWatson · 09/03/2025 06:01

We'd need a pre nup

Is this really at the forefront of people's minds when considering marriage? Jesus...

When you're in your 40s/50s and own property that you've worked decades for and have adult children then OBVIOUSLY it should be at the forefront of your mind. Anyone who decided to get married when there's money and adult kids in the picture without thinking about protecting their money in the event of divorce is a bloody idiot.

HelmholtzWatson · 09/03/2025 06:10

FortyElephants · 09/03/2025 06:05

When you're in your 40s/50s and own property that you've worked decades for and have adult children then OBVIOUSLY it should be at the forefront of your mind. Anyone who decided to get married when there's money and adult kids in the picture without thinking about protecting their money in the event of divorce is a bloody idiot.

Show quote history

read my post again, I'm not questioning the reasonableness.

sashh · 09/03/2025 06:12

HelmholtzWatson · 09/03/2025 06:01

We'd need a pre nup

Is this really at the forefront of people's minds when considering marriage? Jesus...

When it is a second marriage, particularly with children, it should be.

True story. My friend J's parents split when he was young.

Many years later J's father went to a foreign, met a woman and got engaged.

They married, she was quite a bit younger than him and had two children.

After a few years they split up, she and the children moved out in to a house J's father partially funded.

Divorce proceedings started. J's father developed dementia, and moved in to a care home.

The divorce proceedings stalled.

J's father died and the woman he had not been living with, who had a new partner inherited a substantial amount of cash and a pension of at least £20 000 pa.

J had to go to a solicitor's and use a 'no win no fee' arrangement that meant 1/3 of anything he won would go to the solicitor. He approached the case with a 'let me have the cash and you can keep the pension, but if it goes to court I'll go for that too' which did eventually work.

It was incredibly stressful added to the grief of losing his father.

FortyElephants · 09/03/2025 06:13

HelmholtzWatson · 09/03/2025 06:10

read my post again, I'm not questioning the reasonableness.

Show quote history

What are you questioning then? Because you might think it's clear on a re read but it's not.

OneLemonGuide · 09/03/2025 06:13

I’m in a similar position as you OP, though we’ve only been together 18 months. We’re very happy and very much in love.

However, if he proposed in the same way yours did, publicly and without any prior discussion of marriage, I’d be absolutely furious and feel completed blind-sided and manipulated. Anyone who thinks this kind of proposal is “romantic” needs their head looking at.

It’s an enormously manipulative thing to do. If he sees that and did it anyway, he’s a massive jerk and you need to re-think your relationship with him. If he doesn’t see it, frankly he’s stupid and has low emotional intelligence, and it would significantly dent my feelings for and trust in him.

OneLemonGuide · 09/03/2025 06:21

HelmholtzWatson · 09/03/2025 06:01

We'd need a pre nup

Is this really at the forefront of people's minds when considering marriage? Jesus...

Of course it should be.

Anyone who has children and assets, and sees marriage merely as a romantic gesture and expression of “true love” is childishly naive and idiotically irresponsible.

And I say that as someone who is deeply in love with my partner and not a cynical divorcee who’s given up on love.