Help! He proposed

[LittleHouse76]

My partner of four years proposed yesterday. It was romantic and with friends in company. I was literally terrified when I realised what was happening.

I feel terrible. Under pressure I mumbled yes. He deserves better and it was all very sweet. However I'm annoyed it wasn't discussed. I do love him but we are both second timers and have nearly adult kids. We'd need a pre nup for my kids in my will (I'm better off).

I think he's done it for love. We've both said (post proposal) that marriage is at least three years off as we don't live together.

Do i just go along with it (I love him and want to be with him) as I know marriage is quite distant?

It was wrong of him to propose in front of other people, without even discussing it with you first. At best it shows a lack of thought, and ill judgement (and more time spent on how he it would look to your friends). At worst, it sounds like backing you in to a corner.

However, you have to be honest with him.

We see many posts on here where a man has strung someone along, pretending they'll get married one day, and we all respond to say that he's dishonest, disrespectful, and she should leave him.

If you told him that marriage again wasn’t really for you, been there done that, and all you can see it adding to your relationship is complications over finances and a legal entanglement you just don’t want. That it’s the relationship which is important and you prefer it as it is but you couldn’t exactly say all this in front of everyone.

What do you think he would say.

What if he says marriage is importance to him and if you can’t ever see you guys getting to that point it feels like the relationship isn’t going to progress to where he wants. What would you say?

Would you prefer to split up or get married, if that was the choice?

Just have a permanent engagement! Do not marry because pre nups are not legally binding!

It’s not really that ‘men’ can’t win because they are not a monolith. Some women want a big unexpected proposal and some don’t (because women are not a monolith either). I’d understand your comment if THIS woman had previously been moaning about not being proposed to but otherwise, it doesn’t make much sense at all.

Have you had no discussion about your relationship eg potential timeline for moving in together (or not!)

This kind of pressure would give me the Ick. It also suggests he either doesn’t know you at all, or assumes that whatever he feels/wants is the same for you.

One quick question, was it an obviously pre-planned proposal or more spontaneous?

This

I have house that dd will get

i prob won’t ever get married again

need to protect her assets

if you love him @LittleHouse76talk to him about a long engagement and go from there

wouid you have really said no if just the two of you

How naive it would be not to have this in the forefront of one's mind.

Not least of all, if a woman has made a happy and stable life for herself and her DC, independently either through divorce, bereavement or choosing to stay single, not considering the financial implications of remarriage would be extremely foolish.

the tone of your message suggests you're disparaging of a woman for keeping her feet firmly on the ground and ensuring her DCs interests are paramount to her own romantic wants, when you should be recognising that financial planning makes great sense, not something to sneer at.

I think he deliberately did it with no discussion and in front of friends. Designed to catch you off guard. Is he controlling in other ways?

In England prenups aren't legally binding, and they don't serve you in the event of death either.

If you were to separate the courts would consider everyone's housing needs, and your prenup may be considered if everyone is on even footing, but if you own property and he doesn't for example, you wouldn't just be entitled to keep your house.

And remember once you're married your assets become marital assets and you only get to choose what you do with your share of those assets.

A proposal of marriage is very special and should be between the 2 of you. I'd have hated a public proposal and I think men do them that way to try to pressure the partner into saying yes when they believe if they were to ask privately she might say no. You could create a trust to put your wealth into for your kids.

I think I would stay engaged for ever in your position and never get re-married. Somehow I would have to tell him that, gently.

I don't understand why people get remarried when they are 50 plus, especially with children. In fact, for anyone with assets it makes zero sense.

Trusts are expensive and only worth doing if you have £££££. A prenup possibly wouldn't stand up, too risky. Just say you're happy as things are and leave it at that. I mean if he doesn't like it then it tells you everything you need to know!

Because society has ingrained in women that they have no value unless they are married. That their relationship is worth less because they are not married. It's deeply embedded in our psyche, so women will continue to push their internal belief that they 'just want to be his wife' or that they are soul mates whilst blithely signing away their assets and children's inheritance for a ring that probably costs less than 1% of their assets and a piece of paper.

We are our own worst enemies sometimes.

I wouldn't get married unless both parties are starting out together and having children. It's never in your interests to do it if you have assets to pass on to your children.

It’s absolutely understandable that your previous marriage and experience is playing on your mind here.

I would advise being open with him about that and maybe trying some couples therapy.

Honesty really is the best policy and it doesn’t mean you’re questioning the relationship or it’s doomed. It means that you want to continue and strengthen.

Also a lot of people look to second marriages to rebuild their financial position after a costly divorce. It's a painful truth that a lot of people don't want to acknowledge.

There is a significant rise in people marrying a house not a person. It's like Jane Austin with the gender roles reversed.

Absolutely not.
Asking in front of people is both manipulative and controlling.
Not a chance I would go along with this.

It would completely put me off.
Love is not manipulative.
Not discussed and in public?

Nope. Not romantic in the least.
Take real space to think.
Remaining single suits you.
Don't be coerced by him.

Yes, me too. Especially now I have so much to my name and I know where I want it to go when I snuff it.

When I married DH we had roughly equal asset. If I remarried now, I would want stuff tied up so tight, daylight wouldn't get though and quite honestly, the marriage wouldn't produce kids so what would be the point?

Prenuptial agreements are not legally enforceable either so you could end up with a massive expensive mess on your hands if it all goes wrong.

Yeah....no thanks, especially when better off.
Public or not.
😊

I think you are being sensible to reflect on the proposal.

There is more at stake than 2 single people building a life together. You both have children to consider.

Effectively you will be giving him half of your assists and if you die first - 100% of your assets.

When I got divorced my solicitor also advised to protect assets if ever get married again. I couldn't go through what I went through before. I think a lot of people expect and accept this second time around

In reality being engaged to someone means absolutely nothing. There are thousands of people on here who are engaged and will never , ever actually marry. Being engaged as previously married, older people doesn't change anything you don't want it to. You never have to marry, live together, combine finances. You said yes because you felt ambushed. You can explain that to him today and explain how you feel or you can be engaged for 20 years and never marry.

Why would she be giving away her assets when she dies? You can leave your assets to your Dc.

It’s a divorce that could see half her assets go to him, if he had less than her or little to his name.

And there is a potential trap in marrying a man older than you in later life: my friend lost a lot in a divorce because she had 10 years left to work and he had just retired.

Public proposals are the worst and would really put me off tbh
I think you have to trust your gut on this and tell him how you feel.

I have friends who have been engaged for 30 years. They were young (mature uni students), and they got engaged because they were in love. Just never got around to getting married.
They probably have the best relationship I know.

I worked with a young woman whose boyfriend proposed to her in the main ring at Crufts dog show after she'd won something with her dog. She was very keen to have a Tiffany ring if she ever got engaged. He proposed with a ring that wasn't from Tiffany but in the blue box ( he'd bought the Tiffany box from ebay). She said yes because everyone was whooping and cheering and she felt she had to. Tiffany rings have a T stamped on them. Perhaps she would have been engaged for more than ten minutes if the ring was actually real . Who knows. As it was it was all over before the dog show ended.