Help! He proposed

[LittleHouse76]

My partner of four years proposed yesterday. It was romantic and with friends in company. I was literally terrified when I realised what was happening.

I feel terrible. Under pressure I mumbled yes. He deserves better and it was all very sweet. However I'm annoyed it wasn't discussed. I do love him but we are both second timers and have nearly adult kids. We'd need a pre nup for my kids in my will (I'm better off).

I think he's done it for love. We've both said (post proposal) that marriage is at least three years off as we don't live together.

Do i just go along with it (I love him and want to be with him) as I know marriage is quite distant?

Another here who thinks proposing in front of an audience is problematic because it’s very hard to say no in those circumstances even if you would have done in private. And don’t get me started on partners who barge into a podium/medal moment by proposing…

Don’t just go along with the engagement. You need to have the discussion he deprived you of with his public proposal.

Assuming British law applies, when you die married, your assets go to your spouse. You said and had witnessed, 'all my worldly goods I three endow'.

If you are barely cold and he marries again and then dies on the honeymoon, all his assets that were yours only a month ago, goes to the merry widow and this is why the OP should think very carefully before re-marrying without getting some very robust legal advice and even then, when that certificate is in place, stuff gets overturned, contested and the like, every day.

A polite decline or kicking the can down the road avoids all of this with a polite decline probably being the more moral option as it gives him more options in that if he doesn't like it, he is free to go find someone else at this early stage who is prepared marry him.

You're absolutely right to protect your kids. It's not a Disney film! You need a prenup but also to put your house in a trust. Your will and the trust are actually the most important things to sort. The house goes in a trust along with whatever other assets you have with your children as beneficiaries. You can make provision for him to live in the house after your death but I'd make sure the trust had enough money to maintain it if he's not well off. Congrats OP! Marriage is a contract. A legally binding one. Sorting out the terms is only sensible.

A trust deals with the risk of divorce as well. The house would never be at risk.

But there is still risk involved. Assets and trusts can be contested in a divorce.

Even with a will in place it can get complicated , the surviving spouse can remarry. The children would have to spend money going to court to enforce a will if its challenged.

The only way to remove risk is not to get married. It is that simple and doesn't put a burden on the children to deal with a fallout.

I think try to strike the balance between seeing this as something as something it's most likely not (a cynical asset grab), and letting it drift whilst ignoring your feelings. Perhaps have a think for a couple of days (or hours if you prefer to be direct) about how you wish to approach and open the discussion.

I'd be positive about what a lovely surprise he'd arranged and about how much your relationship means etc. then I would suggest what you actually want at this moment. Is that a long engagement maybe indefinite, staying as you are, or going into marriage with your assets protected. If the latter could be worth speaking to your solicitor first. Don't be embarrassed about having the conversation or assume the worst.

Maybe you could stay as unmarried partners but have a celebratory party with friends and family instead or something on an anniversary of your relationship?

This.

Surely that's more to do with WHY they didn't cohabit, such as being from a strict religious background that also frowns on divorce?

The correlation vs causation aspect of this seems to never been taken into account. What is says is that the type of people who don't divorce are the type of people who don't live together before marriage.

Who are those type of people I wonder?.....

I would guess that they're probably more religious on the whole and are subject to social pressure that goes along with that, and also less likely to live together before marriage.

Therefore one can't make a straightforward interpretation that it's the act of living together beforehand that's the culprit for higher divorce rates, as those people are less likely to be religious and therefore more likely to divorce anyway.

That research is massively skewed by religious factors. Both in terms of no being able to live together prior to marriage, disapproval of divorce and huge pressure to stay together no matter how terrible the relationship. It also doesn't measure happily unmarried long term co-habitees, of which there are many, often older second time around couples who don't want to fully blend finances and families.

OP, I think you need to tell him how you feel. Even with a long engagement, If marriage is something he feels is important and you have serious doubts, he has a right to decide if he's happy to wait and see if your feelings change.

Do you want to marry him?

If so, all is good. If not, then tell him you felt pressured because it was done with all your friends around and that you really don't feel ready to be engaged.

If you do feel that you want to spend your life with this man, but you don't want to get married yet, then there's nothing wrong with a long engagement, I know people who've taken more than 5 years between getting engaged and married.

And getting married doesn't need to involve losing your independence either. When my Mum married my Stepdad they kept their houses separate along with their finances. They'd spend a couple of nights at hers, a couple of nights at his, and a couple of nights apart every week. They'd take separate holidays sometimes, as long as some together.

So can anybody list what advantages there are to getting married when you are older? Because I can't see 1.

The fact is the simplest and safest thing is to not get married. Marriage is a legal contract that will involve making the OP go all sorts of steps and costs to protect her children's inheritance. It's not as though when you marry you can make decision/ in health or finance - you need a POA for that.

You can leave your spouse an inheritance without paying inheritance tax. Inheritance tax allowance can be passed on to your spouse. The latter is particularly helpful when you consider inheritance tax allowance is only £350,000 and the tax on anything over that is at 40%.

I’ve also inherited some extra pension from my late husband.

If you're old enough to have adult kids then you're old enough to know how to deal with this and say what you want. If you can't tell him then you shouldn't be with him never mind marrying him. Don't string him along.

Thanks all. I feel quite bad because it didnt go how he hoped. I think he thought he was doing a romantic thing with some of my old uni friends around for a mini reunion. They are all married.

We have discussed at length. I've said it would need to be a long engagement (at least several years) and legal protections etc. He was happy with this.

He said he wanted to show commitment, I suspect that he probably wanted to know that I am committed too. It is good that we're both happy to be engaged but not married at this point.

Sorry the inheritance tax allowance is £325,000 not £350,000. If you leave anything over £325,000 it’s taxed at 40%.

If you are happy? Tbh, it sounds like the situation is the same (getting married), but you've been talked round. How does it make you feel, to imagine getting and being married? Not the engagement part. But the actual wedding / marriage. Unless you feel happy and excited, it isn't what you want, and just putting it off like a chore you don't want to do, might not be the answer x

Be honest and say everything you have said here, and more.

Absolutely do not go aling with it. You need to have this conversation asap.