Help! He proposed

[LittleHouse76]

My partner of four years proposed yesterday. It was romantic and with friends in company. I was literally terrified when I realised what was happening.

I feel terrible. Under pressure I mumbled yes. He deserves better and it was all very sweet. However I'm annoyed it wasn't discussed. I do love him but we are both second timers and have nearly adult kids. We'd need a pre nup for my kids in my will (I'm better off).

I think he's done it for love. We've both said (post proposal) that marriage is at least three years off as we don't live together.

Do i just go along with it (I love him and want to be with him) as I know marriage is quite distant?

If you don’t want to get married say so now, you’ve got your kids to consider.
You could just stay engaged, to show your commitment to each other.

He wants your finances.

No way in heck would I be marrying him, OP.

I think a full and frank discussion is required at some point. If you're both planning on keeping finances separate (which is the best idea) then why even bother getting married? An expensive, often stressful and almost always tedious day for everyone.

By all means wear the engagement ring to show your commitment, move in and live together,

Be mad not to.

Not a chance ! He knew how you felt yet choose to propose anyway he also made the choice to do this in front of friends so you couldn’t say no.

Pretty manipulative . I wouldn’t be happy and id be having the conversation and saying and explaining what he has done. Knowing how you felt and that you had no choice but to say yes and you won’t be getting married.

Instead of respecting your feeling he I pushing things along at his speed.

If your immediate reaction wasn’t “oh my gosh, YES!” Then you know it’s not what you want to do.

Marriage is a legal and financial contract.

Why would it not be in the forefront of your mind?

A first marriage is often about building a stable partnership together from scratch on which to build a family.

In a second marriage when you have grown up children you have a family, you have loyalty invested in your children, you have your own independent assets - which can disappear in a subsequent divorce.

Which could be at a time of your life when it is harder to rebuild your pension or get a mortgage for a new home alone.

Why wouldn’t the legal and financial implications of a contract be at the forefront of your mind before signing?

Love and commitment can be expressed in other ways.

@LittleHouse76 Can I ask if he knew how you felt about marriage before he proposed?

As a victim, many long decades ago, of an unexpected public proposal, I know how ambushed you probably feel and angry that it wasn't even a personal moment after heartfelt discussions about how you both see your future. In my case, I was pressured into a reluctant yes (it was the adoring expectation in his grandmother's eyes that pushed me) but exploded after about two hours. I'd recommend you clear the air as quickly as possible. I always wonder if men do this to pressure you into a yes because they are insecure? It felt controlling in my case, although we were young and living together, but had never discussed marriage once and I was definitely not on that page.

This.
Although I think he knew what he wa doing of course he did . Op didn’t want marriage, he wanted to push her along . So how else would he get a yes except for asking publicly .

Oops that reply was ment for the comment above .

I would be honest.
It was unfair that he sprung it on you infront of friends.

She doesn’t want to do why ? Why would anyone have these conversations or change things on this way when they don’t want too.

That's an interesting statistic.
I moved in a lot of evangelical Christian circles when I was younger where people would often not live together before marriage.

Call my cynical but I suspect that stat is nothing to do with those people's marriages being better and a lot to do with people feeling trapped and that divorce is not an option for cultural or religious reasons.

I think it's very odd to propose like that, as if you're both 21 and it's the 1950s! What a strange situation.
This should have been following a discussion about your future and about your plans. You must have been blind sided!
Now is the time to have that conversation and set out what you both want.

I agree.

I agree that this statistic on its own means nothing. My grandmother is Catholic, and she once told me if she’d been able to live with my grandfather before marriage she never would have married him. But she took her vows seriously and her parents would have disowned her if she had considered a divorce, so she stayed with an angry awful man.

Yes, that's a red flag.

I wouldn't go along with it because unless you are going to really change the way you feel then you are lying not just to him but to yourself and it will just cause bigger hurt down the line.

I would sit or write a letter and have a big discussion where you make it clear where you stand.

I can totally understand that you may love him and want a future together but to keep the independence, that is not bad but it may just be not what he wants.

I also think, especially when you have done this before that agreeing to get married without even living together may lead to some bumps in the road. It may turn out that actually living together full time you are not compatible.

I own a valuable house which will solely belong to me once my mortgage is paid off.

I also have a significant pension pot which I and my employers have contributed to for the last 20 years.

While I believe in love, romance and the rest of it, my assets are for my DC only.

I would not be marrying a man who did not bring at least the equivalent of the above into the relationship without a pre-nup stating we both walk away with what we have.

Your statement that "you think he proposed for love" suggests he may be contributing unequally in terms of assets, and as well as you being reluctant to marry, I would not remain engaged, as it's giving him false hope.

He may indeed have been convinced that OP wants to marry him but that doesn’t mean she led him on. He should have asked her properly in private what she felt about marriage and listened to her reply.

Can you unpick why you are terrified of marriage? Did he know that you are terrified? If he did, then ambushing you in front of others to push you into a yes is unacceptable.

Listen to your gut Op!

Unless he is an out and out romantic, I agree that it’s slightly wierd that he chose to propose this way when it’s second time around and there are near adult children involved.

I do think you need to address it directly with him though and not just let the issue “float”

I think it would be fine to say that you accepted because you didn’t want to embarrass him in public and just tell him the truth that you are terrified of marriage and are happy to continue the relationship the way it is.

I must admit though that, him doing this and forcing the issue out of the blue, would make me question my feelings about him.

I hate to say this op, but are you sure he is not after your money? It’s an awful thing to contemplate but worth doing so. It would explain the surprise proposal in front of friends! Many women marrying for the second time around are vulnerable to financial exploitation by new partners. It is a recognised issue.

Good luck.

Proposing in front of an audience, especially when there’s been no prior discussion of marriage, is manipulative and controlling.

He definitely has an inkling about your feelings around getting married, so he cornered you on purpose.

Tell us more about your financial situation versus his.

Trust your gut OP. Call the engagement off. It’s not what you want.
I’m not sure if he was being manipulative though, perhaps just thoughtless - but only you know him and what he knew about your thoughts on a second marriage.
I would also want to live with my DP for a good few years and see how storms are weathered before thinking about marriage. Personally, I’m in no rush to even do that second time round, despite being in a very happy long term relationship, there are a lot of benefits to keeping your own space and independence.