Help! He proposed

[LittleHouse76]

My partner of four years proposed yesterday. It was romantic and with friends in company. I was literally terrified when I realised what was happening.

I feel terrible. Under pressure I mumbled yes. He deserves better and it was all very sweet. However I'm annoyed it wasn't discussed. I do love him but we are both second timers and have nearly adult kids. We'd need a pre nup for my kids in my will (I'm better off).

I think he's done it for love. We've both said (post proposal) that marriage is at least three years off as we don't live together.

Do i just go along with it (I love him and want to be with him) as I know marriage is quite distant?

I have a very good friend OP (very similar circumstances to yours) whose partner proposed in public when they were on a cruise, she too was rather blindsided and mumbled "yes".
When home she had a long discussion and they decided to have a long engagement to see how their circumstances progress with regards to their adult DC's and whether they want to co-own a property.
Personally I think her partner wanted to feel that she was fully committed to him. It is obvious, and she knows that he loves her very deeply but like yourself she is reluctant at present to take that final step. No wedding plans are being discussed but she is wearing a very nice sparkler and for the time being only talking about "a long engagement "

I would just let it drift and if push came to shove, I would say no, I'm happy without the contract.

Stick with your gut that it's not for you in your circumstance.

Edited to add that I do think he is being manipulative. It should be discussed extensively, given your circumstances but you were put on the spot and that is red flag.

Like I said, let the subject drift.

You are clearly in different places in your relationship and I feel you may have been leading him up the wrong path. He would have to have been pretty convinced you would say yes to have proposed un public.

Basically this.

There is no way i would remarry in your circs.
None.
Even with a prenup and will change.

It would be one of the first things I'd think of, absolutely 💯

He proposed marriage in front of an audience?

I'd say no for that alone.

My sister and BIL were engaged for over ten years. If you’re otherwise happy in the relationship I’d just let it drift, don’t make any wedding plans, and have the discussions about pre-nups and wills if he brings it up.

I agree. It’s manipulative.

Given your strong, negative reaction I’d not let it drift, would explain right away that you don’t wish to marry or be engaged at this time or in the near future.

You clearly don’t want to be financially tied together and in the event of break up or your death for him to get some of the money and assets that are currently yours. Presume you’d rather retain them if you break up or pass them onto your DC. As PPs say the UK pre nup and other measures might not prevent having to share some with him, so marriage doesn’t align with your wishes.

Engagement without intent to marry is silly and jarring when you don’t want to marry, eg wearing a ring would be a reminder every day of the proposal and your strong, negative feelings.

What is his financial position like?
What happens to the house?
How can you keep the children’s interests and inheritance safe?
What are his prospects?
Why does he want to get married?

Your gut reaction says it all - you’re happy with the relationship as it is.

i suggest saying that very clearly and that you have no intention of getting remarried but that you love him and being around him

Wow, rock and hard place... I know the situation is a little different, but this has to be handled so so delicately.

If you turn him down/change your mind, most men (and women) would not give a second chance...

This.

Those who propose unexpectedly in front of an audience are either obnoxiously over-confident, or being coercive. If I ever have the misfortune to witness a public proposal, I'll be there shouting, "Don't do it! Say, No!"

I wouldn't marry anyone who put me on the spot like that, whatever their motives.

Personally I would go along with it. Nice ring, enjoy the moment. Be adamant about a long engagement. Don’t book wedding until you are in the right head space. Your DC are your priority currently, get legal stuff water tight for them, they will gain independence and you have a lovely, long term relationship for you.

I always think its a bit performative and insensitive to propose in front of an audience. It's almost like you're not really interested in letting the person have time to think you just want to use social embarrassment to bulldoze their feelings. Especially when you haven't even discussed getting married.

Women have been programmed by countless romcoms to think it's romantic but it really isn't. It's using social pressure to get your own way.

A proposal should be private between the two people in question. It's not about anyone else.

I always secretly cheer when a poor girl ambushed at big sports match with an unexpected proposal says no. I think good on you for knowing your own mind!

I would have the conversation with him sooner rather than later. Don't leave it hanging.

Not necessarily. He may have done it with the audience to manipulate the OP. I knew a man in a similar situation - living with a woman who was very much better off than him, both older and with grown up DC - who proposed a few times in front of others. Fortunately she had the confidence to say no, as there were no legal benefits for her. She died reasonably young, so he had to leave the expensive house (hers) that he liked to let people believe was half his.

OP - has the subject of marriage never raised its head once in your four years together? Possibly he just clumsily assumed it was the next step, but doing it in front of others was a terrible idea.

I'm widowed with two young adult DC. I'd never marry again, in order to protect my assets for my DC. Pre-nups aren't legally binding. In your position I'd sit him down asap and explain you were blindsided and said yes under pressure so as not to embarrass him. Don't marry if you feel it's not right for you. If he's genuine with his feelings then he will accept being partners and not spouses.

If you do decide to go ahead then have a solid will in place once you've wed (marriage invalidates a previous will). Also, if you buy somewhere together, do it as tenants in common with a percentage split depending on what you each contribute. Leave your portion in your will to your DC so it doesn't go to him if you die first, and don't feel obliged to give him a lifetime interest in staying in it, as that could add many years on to when your DC inherit.

The advice on here to “let it drift” is really poor… if your relationship is to be happy and successful, you need to talk about this properly.

Or he was worried she would say no, so he did it in public to make her feel she had to say yes?

How recent was your most recent discussion about marriage? If it wasn't that long ago and you'd made it clear that you weren't ready and were happy with the status quo, it's actually pretty manipulative of him to propose in front of others where he knows it would be difficult for you to say no. I'd be rethinking the relationship for that alone.

The fact you said "I think he's done it for love" is a red flag too. If you have even a slither of doubt it was driven by something else – i.e. him making his financial situation easier because you're better off – again, you need to take a breath and reassess.

You need a legally binding agreement before moving in together let along before marriage @LittleHouse76

I would be clear you're happy being engaged but you never want to marry. The problem is you'll get pressured to marry, so be on the look out for it or to be clearer, give him the ring back and say engagement and marriage are not up for grabs.

I'd move everything you own into a trust as well with a clear expression of wish how you want the estate split on your death. Also write a will, making sure the trust and will are consistent. You dont need to leave anything to your DP btw. That's entirely up to you.

Good luck x

Had the two of you not kicked around the idea of marriage at all? Discussed the implications etc?

I would say you were taken hugely by surprise and said yes because romance and love wise you are committed to him.

But as a survivor of one divorce you are not ready to put yourself in another financial/ legal contract… but there is time over the next few years to work that out.

I would ask him whether the legal / finance contract (I.e marriage) is a dealbreaker for him and why he feels that way.

What is your situation wrt respective assets? Do you both own houses / have a pension : have savings?

Your Will is easily sorted to leave your estate to your Dc. It’s divorce that could put any inheritance you intend for them at risk.

How do you feel about his decision to propose without warning and in public? Is he impetuous and generously romantic generally? Or does he like to project manage, get things sorted to his satisfaction in an assertive manner?

Absolutely when it comes to a second marriage with adult children on both sides. You need to be clear about who gets what in the event of each other's deaths and a pre-nup is the clearest and most responsible way to establish that.

It wouldn’t be for me, because I earn similar to my partner and we co-own our house. If I had children from a previous marriage and wanted to protect their interests, 100% I’d be considering a prenup.

I do however think many (probably younger) people go in to marriage all loved up and being all about the romance and commitment message, and then get a real shock on divorce when they realise it’s mainly a legally binding contract with huge financial implications.

It seems like completely understandably you neither want to be engaged or re-married. Tell him you accepted as you felt pressured by being in company and that you would prefer to keep things as they are.