Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

@user1471538283 you're right...it is a choice. It is a choice for OP's husband, like it was a choice for mine. These were able bodied and intelligent men who just didn't do the basics. The contempt thing is real, and I felt that he had nothing but contempt for me, our family life etc. And that bred contempt....I wound myself up and berated myself for feeling (quiet) contempt for him but I felt so disrespected, so unloved and he really ground me down to the floor.

@thelab the limbo thing is very real too. And it's amazing how much that takes things out of you. Just know that we hear you, we understand where you're coming from and we have your back. It was threads on here years ago that made me feel like I wasn't the one with the problems, and I'll never forget the support and wisdom of others who had been there.

He cried twice last night? Poor baby.

He knows he’s coming home so trying to be nice, until next time. If anything OP I think this thread has made you realise you’re not happy in your marriage and your DH isn’t pulling his weight at best and worst he’s emotionally manipulative and abusive

I wonder if he was off his face on coke when the 'phone call went 'nuclear'?

You cannot unhear what he said. People say things in the heat of the moment, and every couple has different boundaries about what language they may use - but the cunt / snake / lying comment is truly shockingly vile. That is absolutely not normal and now you've heard it and seen it written down, you will always replay that in your head. And you know that it was said in defensive anger when you'd done nothing wrong.
Would you accept someone saying that to your daughter / son? This will escalate.

From your posts you sound amazing - if you put the effort you're putting into your marriage / clearing up after this manchild etc into just you, building your social and support network, investing in your career and into your kids you would be absolutely wiping the floor with him a year of so.

He is bringing nothing good to your life that I can see. He is just holding you back.

You only have one life Op, don't waste it with someone so utterly undeserving of you and so incapable of being the husband / father you should expect to have.

He can't unsay the truly vile, cruel things he said to you.

When he said them, he meant them, drunk or not.

I don't see how you can ever get passed that.

He apparently rescinds splitting up with me last night, he was lashing out and said things he doesn’t mean and will regret. He remains committed to me and the children for life!

@MrsBreadPitt Thank you so much. That was the kindest message and that really sticks with me. You’ve hit the nail on the head, I can’t unhear/unsee and you can’t just brush it off under the guise of being drunk.

He needs to understand the impact of telling someone the things he’s said last night. You’re not his punchbag.

If he called his boss and handed in his notice using that language, he couldn’t just rescind it the next day. If his response to that is that he’d never speak to his employer like that, my question would be why he affords his employer more respect than his wife.

@thelab its just words. Take away last night ang he’s still treating you badly. It doesn’t explain this women from Wales either.

I completely feel it is just words. I’ve had a couple of hours sleep and spent the rest of the time awake, feeling sick, shaking, crying etc. You don’t do that to someone you love.

The reaction and story change as to who she is isn’t sitting well with me either. I know it sounds ridiculous but I screenshot the global location based video I found him to be in last night. Coincidentally, the poster had used a heart emoji, just for Benidorm but the screenshot I got puts it on DH so it looks worse than it is. I’ve just sent him that and he’s straight there asking where it’s from.

I’m not into playing games and don’t want to fall into that trap but that gave me the tiniest shred of satisfaction to leave him with those thoughts, as I won’t say. I’m going to go and wash my hair now, will be back soon. Thank you all so much again, you’re helping me to stay rational and have the tiniest bit of strength.

@thelab ‘Yes, definitely need to sit down and speak about it properly. As I said last night, I absolutely love you to pieces but don’t want the constant animosity 😞’

Loosely translated means "I need to talk at you about how upset I am, you have no idea how difficult is it to be barely able to get out of bed and put my pants on the right way and you keep forcing me to 'adult' when I just want to do what I want when I want and you to pass no critism or comment"

I get the strongest feeling that your workplace know exactly what is going on, they are low key calling him out on his behaviour and there is no way they haven't figured out you are the one keeping DH afloat and enabling him to half-ass his job. It must be so frustrating for them to know he should be so much better with you as a support. If you go, he sinks.

To him, you are a buoy but to you he is a rock pulling you under. All credit to you that you keep afloat but your life would be so much easier without the dead weight. I'm not sure I could stay with someone who is riding my coat-tails so much. You deserve so much better than spending so much time, money and effort organising his chaos.

Your partner has been caught out in a barrage of lies - he's spun the lies and now caught himself up

he was attacking you as you have the audacity of not being stupid enough to believe his lies and thats not gone down well. So he's tried to find another lie about the girls name being linked to the friend - as if you're stupid...

ffs

something fishy going on here

but from the picture you paint he doesn't sound like a good catch tbh

@thelab as you’ve left him with that thought, I think just stop all communication with him and let him stew in his own shit. Actions have consequences and he needs to learn this.

@thelab look at your title of this post. Look at what you wrote before you knew about any of this and before he said whst he said. You knew it was over then - because it is

“I’m upset about it all, I was literally sat crying by myself on 2 occasions last night - I just want things to be better but it has so much of a negative impact."

That and the animosity text - he is blaming you for problems HE is causing.
He is saying he wants you to be happy - so long as he gets to do whatever he wants and you always, always pick up the slack.
He is saying he will behave himself as long as you carry on doing extra work, carrying extra responsibility, and never speaking out about what you think/feel/need. So HE can be happy.
It won't ever stop. Life can be so much better than this.

All his messages are accusatory.

I think @MrsBreadPitt is so right by the way. My husband is easier than yours on many levels - good at work, does his share in the house, reasonably good dad. But incredibly cruel when he's challenged or feels criticised and says the most horrible things and has for ten years now. That by itself is enough. It's due to his shit childhood but knowing that doesn't change anything. I love him and we have so much in common, great conversations, but there's not enough trust there any more. I can still hear some of the things he's said to me over the years and it makes me not want intimacy, not want to imagine a future with him. I can't trust him not to turn on me and who cares if he apologises afterwards. He seems to forget it, I can't.

Of course he doesn't want to break up. He gets his pants washed, his food made and sex.

I think the girl/cheating situation is a bit of a red herring here. Even if you remove that from the equation, there are clearly much bigger issues at play.

He’s starting to grovel now, but is he actually taking accountability? Watch his actions, not just his words.

You need to set firm boundaries when he gets home—this serves two purposes. First, it will show whether he’s capable of stepping up and behaving as a husband and father should. Second, it buys you time. You don’t have to make any major decisions right now. You can leave if and when you choose, whether that’s immediately or when you’re in a stronger position financially, career-wise, or emotionally.

Some boundaries might include:
• He can go out with his friends, but the dishonesty and flip-flopping around his plans must stop. He needs to communicate plans with you in advance, and if they’re inconvenient for you, he doesn’t go.
• He actively puts effort into your relationship—planning date nights rather than leaving it all to you.
• He never speaks to you disrespectfully again. If he does, that’s a dealbreaker.
• He follows through on getting an ADHD assessment.
• Full transparency with his phone.
• He pulls his weight at home, recognizing that you’re a team rather than assuming household responsibilities are solely your job.
• He supports your career development, whatever that looks like for you.
• Complete financial transparency and shared decision-making over money.

If he can’t step up to these, then you move forward toward a life that’s focused on you—and trust that it will be a better one.

You’re so young, OP. You have an entire lifetime ahead of you to rebuild. Don’t wait another 10 or 15 years. The longer you stay, the harder it becomes to start over.

And the cynical side of me wonders if he “broke up with you” just long enough last night to sleep with someone—so that, technically, he wouldn’t have to call it cheating…

I could not agree more with so many of the comments already made.

This woman whose name you found in his contacts is NOT the issue. He is. And frankly, even if she didn't exist and he hadn't had that disgusting tirade at you, he is still, as Poshjock put it, "a rock pulling you under". The only role she serves is that the mention of her name sparked his aggressive tirade, and that his tirade has helped those scales fall from your eyes. The scales that made you willing to try again, with a man who has never tried at all.

So, he'll get home, and the plan is to have a talk. I would suggest you never mention her at all, because all he'll do then is profess his love for you and make up some lie about her that you won't believe, and he'll successfully derail the actual talk you need to have - which is about him. Him and his non-engagement with your life. Him and his non-engagement with family life. Him and his non-engagement in domestic life. Him and his non-engagement in his job. Him. Just him.

He'll apologise for his tirade, profusely - but we all know you can't unhear what he said. As JustMyView13 put it, "if he called his boss and handed in his notice using that language, he couldn’t just rescind it the next day". You can't unhear it, and you shouldn't sweep it under the carpet either - which he will try to do. It was not 'the drink talking' - it was him. All him.

I would concentrate The Talk on the whole marriage, not just the last couple of days. The exhaustion he causes you through his non-engagement with the running of a household, his shirking of all responsibility, his expectation that you should just do everything and if you don't then you're a "nag" (how I hate that word!). And now, on top of all that, the names he has called you, the belligerence, the sheer DISRESPECT he demonstrated for you. How his tirade has affected you, how it made you feel - how it has altered how you feel about him. Make it clear that there is no sweeping it under the carpet, no going back. He did what he did, and now it's broken.

"I was this lovely blonde girl with the right curves when we met."
And like many a selfish self-absorbed man, he has sucked you dry and turned you into a shell of that lovely blonde girl. She's still there, ready to take on the world. But she can't do it whilst being dragged under by the rock masquerading as her husband. He will definitely say anything he can to keep you onboard this marriage, because he knows he'll sink without you - "you are a buoy". I know it sounds harsh, but your alternatives are to thrive without him, or be drowned alongside him. I think your children deserve to see you thrive. I think you deserve to thrive. You can never thrive alongside this abusive man-child.

One last thought - reading your posts, I find you an impressive young woman. You seem to me to lack confidence in yourself - I found myself wondering if that was all down to him or if it already existed and explains how he got his hooks into you.

I'm sorry OP but it doesn't seem like he wants to be a team anymore.

It's like he sees you wanting to discuss his plans and him not being able to do what he wants, when he wants when he has kids as you being controlling in some way. It's looking more & more like a classic case of a man who is not ready to let go of his 20s. He's probably viewing younger, child free members of his group with envy, and you as a ball & chain.

@Aalasya The person someone is when challenged is them.

That's the real test of someone's character, because even the most unpleasant people can be charming and enjoyable to be around when things are going their way. I mean, unless they're really unhinged, why would they be miserable, difficult or cruel when they're getting what they want??

@StarlightExpresssed Hmmmm.....a cynical but interesting take. I was wondering if he was looking for an excuse to do something like that.

Op I think you already wanted out before this. Sometimes people need that final excuse to leave and I think thats what you were looking for. Absolutely not excusing as I don't condone this behavior. He's called you a c### that says it all. You can't be with him. It sounds like you don't love him anymore and there is a serious lack of respect from his end. You need to get some financial advice and leave this toxic marriage.

Thank you everyone. It says a lot when strangers can be so kind, yet my husband can’t.
I particularly liked the boundaries and that’s got me thinking. I’m always scared to assert anything for being accused of being controlling etc. That’s what he said to me last night and that I’m a prison.

I definitely lack confidence in myself. With work for example, I guess they must see some good in me but I can always find something I could’ve done better and push myself to do more. It doesn’t register and I focus on what I perceive to be ‘bad’ rather than taking a step back and acknowledging that I might have done something well.

He’s apparently been for a beach walk with one of his friends and wants to ring me when he gets back to his room..

Personally I'd tell him you're not ready to talk to him yet. Take back control and make him sweat. If you talk to him now when he wants it will all be on his terms.

Tell him to fuck off. Go out with the kids.