Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

What was the attraction to him in the first place? It's difficult to imagine based on what you describe.

Betty - I think this woman being involved somehow is just the tip of things. The thing that’s forced me to take a long hard look at things that I’ve probably been trying to brush past, yet when I do, I start to see everything else a bit clearer.

Life was a lot more ‘fun’ back when we met and were together without children. It was easy to overlook something because I had my own time and space and we did a lot of things together as you’d expect in a relationship.

What's happening now op is the icing on the cake.
You know your marriage is over , the only way to get a better you back is to end this once and for all.
You have another child in your husband for example the mess the pathetic stomping around the way he spoke to you calling you names.

You need some clear headspace to make plans for the future to find that blond girl you where before only then will life improve a new and better you a confident you .

You will make new friends along the way improve your social circle you already have a boss who see's your worth.

Once the fog starts to disappear you will put yourself and your children first and leave this marriage be single work on yourself and leave .
I did this when my children were 5 & 6 they are now 21& 23 it's the best feeling to have peace in your life you can do it.

You are wirth so much more x

OP I feel like you need to sort things into boxes metaphorically speaking.
Your employers seem very supportive and appreciative of your capacity to train and study to improve your prospects - so consider them as part of your cheer-leading team. You already know that they have their frustrations with your DH but that is their issue not yours. The fact that your DH is as disorganised at work is not your problem but it spills over to your home where it affects you.
You obviously need to have a discussion with your DH but he needs to be told that his disorganisation will not be allowed to affect you, your DC and home. So as of now he is responsible for his own belongings - if he leaves a mess - clear his physical detritus and put it in a box or bag and dump it in the garage or his side of the room, bottom of the wardrobe or wherever.
Get back on with your meal planning/shopping and cooking (including his meals if you must) if he leaves dirty plates, mugs etc then for your own sanity you will probably need to clear them away but otherwise do very little for him. I used to be much like you in getting up early to sort myself out (so I knew I was ready for whatever the day brings) and then likewise the kids, so I get where you are coming from there.
His name-calling is childish and if he starts with again just remove yourself from the room. Keep doing so and if asks why - then tell him you deserve more respect and will not be spoken to in that manner.
Irrespective of the stag do and mystery girl I feel that you have reached the point of no return with DH so plan ahead accordingly. It will take a while to sort out living arrangements etc so this will give you the study time to move towards your payrises which will help with a mortgage etc - use DH for your own ends and certainly don't tell him - so he keeps paying his way. Play a bit of the long game with him and you'll be a winner!!

Nikki, that set me off crying but thank you.

I’ve got my catch up with my manager tomorrow so god knows how that will go. I don’t want to bring home into work but they have told me many times that if I ever need to talk, it would be in complete confidence any kept between us and DH not involved. I don’t actively want to say anything about it, it’s more if I start crying out of nowhere as it’s a welfare catch up more than anything and they’re bound to ask about DH’s trip.

You are going to out-perform him and do better.

He will not take that well

Be warned

Ah yes, the script!

Sorry, only read your first two posts op but that's basically what this is.

You're mean, horrible, controlling and won't let him have any fun so is it any wonder his dick fell into another woman's fanny?!! 🥱

So they are well aware that HE is an issue?

Don't try and hold it in, just be honest.

He’s just popped up there replying to my message from last night about a talk.

‘Yes, definitely need to sit down and speak about it properly. As I said last night, I absolutely love you to pieces but don’t want the constant animosity 😞’ - this is what I got.

I asked him if he remembered calling me all of the names and his only response was to say yes, no apology, then go offline. I told him I hadn’t slept after how he left things and he’s replied with a crying face and then saying he loves me, then finally apologised saying he shouldn’t have called me that word and he was upset last night and must have taken it out on me.

I know I need to get angry and strong now, it’s just so hard and it’s bloody set me off in floods of tears now. Sick of myself!
This is all part of it isn’t it? Come back really nice so you start to doubt yourself

When he comes back, if he continues to try to blame you or make you take responsibility in whatever way for his pathetic behaviour (when you are definitely not at fault!), remember he chose to have a family and should take some responsibility for his actions. Whatever he says, he's a grown man, he's made his own choices and you are free to make yours.

It also wouldn't surprise me if in the event you decided to tell him you want him out or to seperate etc, he then does a 180 and promises to be better or agrees to try harder. They never do! He just won't want his life disrupted. I've known people do this when they realise they will have to find somewhere else to live or when they work out how much child maintenance they will have to pay!

Stay strong, stay calm and tell him you're done.

@Nanny0gg They keep making jokes about him and how different we are and how if they’d have known at interview..
It comes across in a joke way to anyone else but to me, knowing DH, I detect the slight undertone of there will be a point they will get sick of it. He prioritises the wrong things or ‘forgets’. He didn’t attend his last manager catch up because he ‘forgot’ and went off to get his haircut instead.

@thelab My heart just breaks for you! Please understand this one thing; you deserve better! When he spoke to you as he did, that was a signal as bright as the sun. He doesn't respect you at all. You are his verbal whipping girl, yet, you've done nothing to deserve that abuse.

For your sake and your children's sake, you need to become free of this dud. He will probably, at some point, lose his job since he cannot be on time for anything except drinking. Your children deserve a happy home and a happy, content, loved Momma. He is not giving you that or anything close to it.
I hope that you have been getting your financials together. When you take into account any UC you might get and child maintenance, you might be better off than you think. Even if you have to sell and downsize or move somewhere else, you and your children deserve peace.

You sound like a wonderful person and Momma. You will find someone who will not talk to you like that and want to be part of a family team and be happy doing that.

I wish you the best of happiness, joy, peace and love. MN {{HUGS}}

@thelab i would also caution about sharing the opportunities and additional studying you have been invited to do incase he decides to start trying to sabotage your success.

unless you are 💯 positive that this is the end I’d also suggest not saying anything to work in case it gets around (your manager tells HR and a higher manager, someone along the chain gossips etc). you don’t need it getting back to DP via work channels before you are ready.

It’s still very raw for you and I’d recommend getting ducks lined up before discussing with work or with FIL.

how are you financially? Have you a rainy day fund? I normally recommend women start buying store vouchers (Asda or whatever) as a back up for any expenses that may occur - this does depend on who’s leaving. If you may need to leave I’d also recommend buying new bedding and towel Bundle etc now and stashing away.

is there any way you can afford a cleaner for the short term to take some of the load of you.

if you forget to wash his clothes and just keep
dumping his clothes back next to his bed would he wash them? Do you have a garage? I used to dump my ex’s stuff in boxes in the garage if he didn’t move it from the various places after a week.

can you ask fil to do the school collection and phrase it as grandad bonding time so you have one less thing to Worry about DP organising.

also - I’ve forgotten if married or not so just going with DP!

good luck and more massive squishes.

That's exactly how I felt!! I'd come home from work at 8:30/9pm (13hr shift: 7am to 8pm): the house would be a state, the DC not fed/washed or in bed, laundry/washing up not done, kitchen a bomb site...so I'd get home, have to cook for us, sort the kids (and make sure their reading/homework was done) and clean/tidy the place. He wouldn't see the issue with any of that, and make out that I was controlling/nagging/ruining his day etc, and at least he'd done school run and hadn't fucked off for the day/night, so I should (apparently) be glad about that. The fact that I would have to point out obvious tasks (feed DC, wash them and make sure you sit with them for homework/reading), and get the basics done (laundry, clean stuff up after use, tidy away things) to a seemingly intelligent man (and he was/is intelligent) was nuts and just took it out of me. The mental load was immense.

The life that my DB/DSIL have is exactly what I would have wanted too, but it didn't happen. Foolishly, having seen my wonderful parents (and friends, and other family) having a similar relationship to what my DB and DSIL have, I just took it for granted that I'd have the same when I finally met XH (he was a decent guy then).

It is hard when working FT with DC but - from my experience - it's a damned site easier doing that as a single/solo parent than with someone like my XH. Like I said, childcare is sorted, house is tidy (and stays tidy and doesn't get trashed), housework and admin up to scratch, I would meal prep and batch cook so we didn't have to worry about late meals. The DC would muck in and help out. I bought gadgets like airfryer, robovacs and stuff like that to make my life easier. There isn't an XH about to fuck about with plans or routine. The lack of drama and the simple life we have now is bloody perfect.

Yes, hard being a single parent (you're never off duty) and there's no back up (well not in my case), but still way easier than before.

Thank you both so much for your supportive words, helps me feel less alone. I was looking forward to spending this weekend with the DC but I suppose we had a lovely day yesterday and it’s better they’re playing with their grandad, rather than seeing me like this.

We don’t really have anything savings wise at the moment. We’ve just got DD out of her crucifying nursery into a much closer and much cheaper one so the plan was to start building up savings once things had stabilised.

I’m not going to tell him about anything work have said and will keep it between my ‘higher’ manager and my manager. I just mean I have a day to day line manager and then someone slightly above them who interviewed me.

Thank you TicTac. The situations sound very similar! He will cook which is about it, but only after I’ve picked the meals, composed the plan and wrote up the shopping list. Anything he does then do is waved around as a badge of, look what I do.

He will do anything for an easier life and just seems to be lost in a world of disorganised chaos. I actually bought him a diary to use as I’d be lost without mine.

DH is very intelligent and capable too when he puts his mind to it, I often wonder if he’s choosing to be how he is because he can’t be bothered. I’ll come up with a solution for things in life and he’ll say how much he agrees and it’s what we need to do but then never speak of it again off his own back, or do anything to put it into practice.

You’re right in what you say. I’ve seen this weekend how, when it’s just me, it’s bloody tiring but I know where I’m at with everything and know I just need to get on. When he’s here we’re stuck in this awful limbo of not knowing if he’s going to do something, can I rely on him, torturing myself as life is so hard and yet there’s two of us etc etc.

That's exactly what I was thinking. I'd be at that airport all day if I had to to see who he came out with cos I've got a feeling it isn't a stag party. Way too defense when questioned, my ex husband was the same when I confronted him in similar circumstances, you guessed it, he was having an affair

Why, what difference would it make, the relationship is clearly over. OP would be better off packing his stuff up and leaving it at his dad's.

Sorry if this comes across wrong.. but all I can think is how much happier and more fulfilled you're going to feel when this scrounging, mood-hoovering, controlling piece of work is out of your life. He's useless and exhausting - but he's also not kind and that's death by a thousand cuts.

I wish you a truly happy future when you can bask in the appreciation of work without worrying about what this man child is screwing up next or taking responsibility for him. Hang in there until you get there. Unmumsnetty hugs.

I think it is a choice. Feeding, keeping the DC washed, their clothes laundered, keeping the house reasonably clean and any homework done is basic parenting and life. Keeping appointments with your line manager is basic for work. Not calling you names is basic decency. He has contempt for you and his employment.

It infuriates me because if he lived alone even without DC he'd have to do the basics.

If you can keep your plans and work to yourself until you are ready. Work sounds like they value you and you will thrive without him.

I was left with a 6 month year old and it was very hard being a single parent. But at no point, no matter how hard things got did I want my ex back. My favourite uncle just before my ex left said I had 2 children, my DS and him. And I only had enough energy and headspace to raise one.

Deep breath.
Accept that last night was the moment YOU decided enough is enough and the marriage is over. He doesn't know yet, but you'll tell him.

Life will go on! The sun will still come up and go down again. The kids will be fine.

Get some paper work gathered up today so you know where it is. Not that you're going to leave the house, but you want it safe.

The sort of stuff you'd grab if there was a fire. For you and the kids. Passports. B certs. Any kids bank books. Life assurance. House ins. Mortgage agreement. (A note of his bank details.) Bung all your money into an account he can't get see or get into.

How about your family? Mum? Sisters? Anyone you can call and tell that the shit is going to hit the fan soon?

Have a think about logistics now and calmly ask him to sleep in another room/another bed when he gets home.

I've done this.
It was horrible.
I left the house with the kids but the circs were difference.

Be prepared for some nastiness when he realises you mean it. My X got violent. This was before i was on MN - i know now that it's a thing.

Best thing i did though and i'm happy and the DCs are happy and i look back on it as a scary but brave time.

Find a good family solicitor. Mine was fab and helped me a lot with simple explanations of how it all works. You might still get the first half hour free? Make a note of all the questions you have and rattle through them cos half an hour goes FAST!

Be strong and stay on here with us

Thank you everyone. I had a quick shower this morning but debating, whilst the kids are supervised, to go back and have an ‘everything’ shower so I can wash my hair and feel a bit more human and better in myself.

I know where all the paperwork is, usually because I’m the one who’s put it away. DH will leave it laid around in various places once he’s opened a letter. I have my own bank account which I only have the info for and then we have our joint. The children have bank accounts so I’ll have a look through the paperwork.

I just can’t see how I can trust him again after this and I mean that more in a, not to hurt me way. I was already starting to see him in a bit of a different light before he went and this has really sealed things. How can you look happily at someone who’s called you such horrible names. I never see drink as an excuse as I’ve always been in some control of myself over the years, no matter how intoxicated.

This is the latest message -

“I’m upset about it all, I was literally sat crying by myself on 2 occasions last night - I just want things to be better but it has so much of a negative impact. I’m sorry I’ve upset you, I don’t want that - I genuinely just want you to be happy in life. We’ve been through an awful lot together, far more than most and I’m sorry I was shouting and being a dick - obviously drink and emotions combined aren’t good”

I feel like he’s trying to be nice to set me off doubting myself. It’s all just words really isn’t it? You can say what you want but the smashed plates are still smashed so to speak.

Sounds like he has cheated then went on the defence when you pulled him up on some details and now this morning is trying to sweet talk you to forget it all and put it down to drink/stress.
Probably gaslight you a lot till you are so confused you won't bring up the possibility of cheating again for a while.
Even if he didn't he really shouldn't speak or treat you the way he does.
It does seem like he is basically saying it's all your fault