Dress shamed on dates

[rubberduck68]

I am mid-fifties and OLD. I have been on the receiving end of a comments about how I dress, all implying that I am not dressed up enough. I like jeans, and trousers. I wear good quality ones, on trend (or so my daughter tells me!), good tops, nice jackets, I'm a trainers and Chelsea Boots fan, don't do heels. Own one smart black dress, wore it for a funeral two years ago, and have a couple of summer ones that I pull out when it's scorching. Last night went to Bills for dinner. Bills is low-key, it's a chain, we ate burgers, I wore good jeans, a vintage Bella Freud jumper, some boots, hair and make-up effort was applied. He said, "I thought we'd be dressing up." This has happened to me a fair bit since OLD, never happened when I was younger and dressed the same. Is it just men of this age who expect women to show up in high heels and skirts/dresses? We had a polite debate about it, and he asked me what I'd wear if he took me (I know, I know) to a wedding, and I replied that the last wedding I went to I wore a fitted waistcoat with nothing underneath, wide legged linen trousers, and lots of cool jewellery and got loads of compliments. He pulled a face. A face!! Anyone else dress shamed on dates? Is it their age? Am I out of touch with what to wear on dates? Brutal honesty welcome!

I took the decision to date me again away from him. I did not tell him why, don't want to train him to suppress his bad manners for the next poor woman who gets analysed – best she knows early on that he's socially clueless.

*It doesn’t seem to matter what you wear. I always wear dresses and trainers and I have still had comments about being overdressed and underdressed.

Its plain rude I’ve had men turn up wearing all sorts and never been ill mannered enough to criticise their outfits despite actually having more grounds to do so then they have*

@TwistedWonder I dated a lot before meeting DP and never once had a man comment on my outfit, beyond the lines of 'you look nice'. It must be a certain type of man that does this.

I agree with you that it's rude to criticise on a first date.

I always thought “nice turn of an ankle” was just an antiquated phrase that meant a woman who knows how to pose in a dress. Am I wrong?

What?

And what were these sartorial tossers wearing????
I never wear dresses, skirts or heels. I avoid "occasion" events.

I think going for a drink rather than dinner is far better for a first date tbh.

I came to this realisation after getting stuck on a dinner date with a bloke who basically gave a monologue about himself and insisted on 3 courses plus coffee.

You’re very lucky as all of my well presented, 50 something friends have had similar comments from men who seemed absolutely fine and decent on messages:phone calls yet felt need to comment on appearance on person.

I only actually had about 10 dates from OLD before I gave up and I think 4 of them made a comment about what I was wearing and another commented on my car!

It's not you. It's them.

I suppose in this situation I would dress in a way that showed I had made a bit of an effort, maybe to men in this age group jeans and a jumper don’t say that. Perhaps dark denim with boots, a lovely blouse (and Other Stories have some stunners this season) with a blazer or cropped trench coat might work well for whoever you were meeting. I’d be wearing a dress because that is what I feel and look best in but obviously if you are criticised then the date stops then and there.

You’re absolutely right. A decent man of good stock and manners really shouldn’t engage in negging.
It does seem that there are at least 9 worthless men for every decent one. The stats are flipped with women.

I hear that, I would not wear any of my date outfit for a walk in the woods, I have a dog and that's strictly leggings, knackered old skinny jeans, and walking boots/hoodie etc., so we differ there, but what would you wear on a first date to Bills, which is a cafe that happens to be open in the evenings?

I nearly NC to say this because people are going to have a go at me for being too mumsnet, but I think it's probably also a social class thing. Especially as you say you got better dates on Guardian Soulmates. Basically I think the more (upper) middle class you get, the less likely you are to expect someone to 'dress up' unless going to a wedding or similar.

Maybe your jeans and trousers are a great arsehole filtering system.😁

Ugh. I've had the opposite. I have always liked wearing clothes that coincidentally traditional men seem to appreciate - this is not why I like them, they flatter my figuree.

But I've been on a few dates where men while complimenting me have seized the opportunity to give out about other women 'not making an effort'. It is instant ick.

Your clothes sound great.

I fully agree.

I did make "an effort." I always do. My clothes are (I think) stylish, clean and in good condition. I shower before every date, my hair is washed, make-up is good, I have nice nails although I'd rather die than stick new ones on for any man (no judgement to anyone who does I just don't care that much). You (not you personally, anyone) can throw on a bad dress and presume that's "effort"; it's all subjective really.

I mean, that's a preference too. You don't want to date someone who doesn't share your taste in clothing. Nothing wrong with that either. Like I said, that's what dating is about. You weren't compatible.

Hahaha, yes perhaps you are right!!

No, I don't want to date someone who is negative about my clothes, that is the difference. If they don't like how I look, they could just politely say, "lovely to meet you, but we're not a match," like all normal well mannered people so often manage to do!

I was OLD from age 30 to 50 and this happened all the time. It isn’t about your dress style - it’s about the men’s manners. Use your fine legs to walk away and then block them.

Funny this thread made me think about the OLD dates I had and out of the 10 or so men I met, I can only think of 2 of them who dressed in what I’d say was a good way. But I didn’t feel any need to pass comment on the others for their dress sense because I’m not rude and ill mannered.

I’ve been on dates with men that have not made much effort but I wouldn’t say it! Jeans, blazer, flat boots were mostly my go to. Never had a negative comment. If someone gave me a negative comment the first time I’d met them I wouldn’t want to see them again.

Exactly. This is about manners.

As well as age, class and general exposure to eating out at smartish places I think where you live makes a huge difference. In London it’s so utterly acceptable and normal to dress as you describe I’d be amazed if anyone who gets out much commented or thought you weren’t dressed appropriately.

I have an aunt from the North who is in her 70s and although they are very well travelled and go to nice places she struggles when I go out in jeans and a silk shirt for example.