Dress shamed on dates

[rubberduck68]

I am mid-fifties and OLD. I have been on the receiving end of a comments about how I dress, all implying that I am not dressed up enough. I like jeans, and trousers. I wear good quality ones, on trend (or so my daughter tells me!), good tops, nice jackets, I'm a trainers and Chelsea Boots fan, don't do heels. Own one smart black dress, wore it for a funeral two years ago, and have a couple of summer ones that I pull out when it's scorching. Last night went to Bills for dinner. Bills is low-key, it's a chain, we ate burgers, I wore good jeans, a vintage Bella Freud jumper, some boots, hair and make-up effort was applied. He said, "I thought we'd be dressing up." This has happened to me a fair bit since OLD, never happened when I was younger and dressed the same. Is it just men of this age who expect women to show up in high heels and skirts/dresses? We had a polite debate about it, and he asked me what I'd wear if he took me (I know, I know) to a wedding, and I replied that the last wedding I went to I wore a fitted waistcoat with nothing underneath, wide legged linen trousers, and lots of cool jewellery and got loads of compliments. He pulled a face. A face!! Anyone else dress shamed on dates? Is it their age? Am I out of touch with what to wear on dates? Brutal honesty welcome!

It's just a preference thing. There is nothing wrong with having preferences. It's only a problem if he decides to continue to date you but tries to change you. Personally, I don't consider jeans to be dressy. No matter how nice they are. If a man wore jeans on a dinner date, I would see it as a lack of effort from him. But this is what dates are about. You get to see people's attitudes about things and decided if it works for you or not.

"that whistling noise" I love that, will hear that the next time, thank you! There is no point doing that, I know. Just so hard to be confident when out of the dating scene after twenty year marriage. My ex husband loved my look though, used to call me Demi, NB: I do not look like Demi Moore at all, but I met him when Ghost was at the cinemas, and I had that same look; big men's shirt, jeans, dungarees with vests, basic undies, short hair etc. He loved it all. I'd just like to find someone else who loves me for who I am, but it feels so much harder this time around.

I echo this! I’m in my early thirties and my husband likes whatever I wear, as long as I’m comfy.

If I go out on a date night in jeans and a nice top then my parents and grandparents always ask if my dh is happy with the lack of effort I made! I think it’s a generational thing!

He sounds like a chav and therefore wouldn’t even register that you were in good jeans nor that your jumper was Bella Freud. Next!

They sound so old-fashioned. They basically don't like you covering your legs up. You could wear literally ANYTHING, as long as it shows your legs, preferably as much leg as possible. You're denying them and ruining their fun with your view blocking trousers. Pitiful really.

I'd be tempted to vote with your feet op. As soon as a man makes a comment like "I thought we were dressing up" I'd get up and say I need to be somewhere/ this isn't going to work/ we're not suited/ insert appropriate comment then leave.

we don't owe men pretty, your style sounds fab especially your wedding outfit. I dress for myself not for a man

Just read your posts OP and it's because you were much cooler than that dork. Hope you find someone cool.

Half the time they pass judgement just because they can - no matter what you wore you wouldn't be able to avoid it.

I wore my beloved cropped All Saints biker to a date once. I feel a million dollars when I wear it. My date went on and on and on about how he had a passion for fashion and had all this Italian leather and he could tell different types apart etc. I switched off. He then looked me up and down and said, it's a shame this isn't real leather, you'd look so good if you wore some expensive clothes. He then reached over and randomly felt it and still couldn't tell it was real.

Sorry OP, what a disappointing date!

I was once told by a date that he thought my scarf was tacky. He definitely wasn't a keeper.

While I wouldn't expect a date to be dressed to the nines (especially for Bills), I think effort is important e.g. good hygiene, presentable etc.

For first dates, I always prefer going for drinks rather than going for a meal (easier to cut things short if you're not into it).

I love All Saints biker jackets, they are great. I hope you dumped the chump. I once wore my daughter's one to a date (she agreed) and he said, "you need to roll around in that a bit, it looks to new and clean."

It's not generational - my husband yikes is 60 - and wouldn't dream of placing expectations on my hair or dress sense

My mam is mid 80s and would see jeans and a nice pair top as dressed up ( although to be fair I don't think she really sees trainers as going out footwear ) so

Good Lord that is unreal. It only further confirms my theory that all the best stock of men were killed off in the two world wars leaving us with the progeny of the absolute dregs in 2025. Where do we go from here?!

They are seeing you as a commodity. Yuck. If anyone said that to me they’d be ditched immediately. But maybe that’s why I can’t contemplate OLD. When I have had a peek at what blokes are on there they all look washed up and unshaven. So who are they to judge?

"Tacky"? What a rude man. I hate coffee dates, feels like the school run coffee dates, only much less fun! Must stop being trapped in booths with rude men though, need alternative date ideas, maybe should stick to one drink in a pub.

Surely it's just a form of negging? Dress up, get insulted. Dress casually, get insulted. All to test boundaries and self esteem because most of the time we are way out of their league and they know it.

These bottom feeder men want it all, without ever looking inward about what they have to offer.

At least you found out on the first date, so didn't have to waste any more time on them.
Any man who thinks that he has a say in what clothes/hair/makeup I have can fuck right off.

Was about to say YOU'RE NOT OLD then I looked it up. My rather bolshy view is that unless Brad Pitt turns up, probably bad example as he can look a bit scruffy, but still - then these critical blokes need to STFU and get to know you as a person instead of focusing on your clothes. Next time, if there’s a next time, don’t react immediately, just look at him quizzically and after an uncomfortable moment has passed, ask “Did you mean that to sound rude?” . He either has to say no and explain what he did mean, or say yes and bring the date to a suitable end! And FWIW your outfits sound great.

A nice turn of an ankle?! Are you from 1890?!

I think I went on a date with the same man. Went for lunch at a fucking Turtle Bay and he wanted to know why I wasn’t in a nice dress. He then INSISTED on paying the bill even when I tried to go halves (it was a wrap and a coke - it wasn’t going to break the bank for me), but then he complained to me after that I didn’t pay my half of the bill, so I happily offered him the money (I knew I was never going to go near him again) and he bloody refused, yet carried on as though he’d taken me to the Ritz for a seven course dinner!

I got the distinct impression from the way he spoke about his ex wife that he was a controlling arse who was desperate to be superior to whomever he was dating.

The judgement about how you dress is nothing compared to what happens if you arrive using a walking stick! It kept most dates nice and short 😊

All these absolute princes thinking we dress for them!

I worry that the "midway point" is me changing myself to accommodate a man who I don't even know yet; surely that's a slippery slope...

I don't know, I personally wouldn't see jeans and a jumper as appropriate for a first date unless going for a walk in the countryside or something similar, but maybe that's just me.

However, I would also never comment on what a first date wearing because that's just rude. If I'd been seeing someone for a while, then yes, I would comment, but that's different. Particularly with men as lots of them need direction. However I wouldn't do it to a stranger.

Pass the smelling salts, Mavis. I’ve just spotted an ankle.

Ps I think your style sounds awesome op. Love the sex pistol tee! At least you get to weed them out quickly if they don’t like it, lol.

Options:

• negging
• sexist arse
• generalised rudeness
• a mix of the above.

At least they're letting you know early.