First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

[BellaGothTheSecond]

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

I think even if you patch things up with him and remain in this relationship, it’s very clear at this point you don’t know each other well enough. Please put the brakes on him meeting your DC as it will make things complicated and not fair on them. He’s said a lot of the right things to you to make you feel like you are in a secure relationship but I think if you proceed you need to spend time to really get to know this man and assess if you like what you see.

Honestly I've been out with a guy like this and it turned out he objected to me inviting myself to stay the whole night and that was literally it. He wanted to be the one to ask since it was his house. Weird but there you go.

Disagree. They have known each other for a long time before this relationship had a sexual aspect. Saying “Getting the kids together” doesn’t mean planning on introducing them in an official sense. Otherwise I’d say “introducing”
Maybe he wants the kids to have kids to play with. If I have other parent friends I will talk about this, as anyone would.

It’s setting up a play date, not playing happy families.

I can understand why you are disappointed OP.
He needs to be truthful as to why he doesn't want to spend the night with you.
Could it be that he sees this as affirming the relationship and doesn't want that?
That is how I would interpret his response

I find it bizarre that anyone thinks this is a "newish" relationship and its in any way normal for this man not to want to spend the night. Or that @BellaGothTheSecond is unusual in questioning it.

I totally get why it hasn't happened up until this point - their lives do seem very complex. Personally though if you have got to 5 months without an overnight or night away I'd question whether either of you (or you certainly you in combination together as a couple) are in a position to progress a relationship in any meaningful way.

It depends though what are you and he are looking for? I guess the "normal" course is that after a certain period your kids might meet (there is nothing that suggests you want to do that now - just that he has suggested it and you think its too soon) - and then ultimately you might join forces and live together with all that entails.

I think you need to have a serious think about what the future looks like with this man to you - and then an open and honest conversation with him about what his ideal future looks like. It may be that he never envisages living with a woman again - who knows. And that might work for you or it might not.

But if he does - its very bizarre to turn down the opportunity to spend the night and whilst he is of course totally within his rights to not want to do that. But he needs to be able to communicate why rather than deflecting with glib comments. As you say yourself that doesn't bode well for the future.

As a comparison, I am divorced and when I first met my DP (and I was only separated at that time) after we had a few dates and slept together we couldn't wait to spend the night. In our case that was after 3 weeks of seeing each other which was different as he has no kids, and I had some flexibility. But I specifically remember him saying the first time I said I could stay over how excited he would be to spend the morning in bed, coffee criossants and morning sex.It is a form of intimacy and he was up for that (even though actually both of us are bad sleepers and sleep better without the other tbh). Which is a much more usual response imo. He owes you real answers here OP don't feel bad to ask why.

I'm another one that thinks this is about him having a rare opportunity to not have to bed share/get some decent sleep/have some personal space overnight. But doesn't want to position it that way in case you take offence so he's offloaded it onto 'consideration' for your mum.

If so, the issue is really about bad communication. A face to face convo or phone call is needed I think.

That all said, me and dp are also single parents living apart and have both given up personal space when desperately needed to go and stay the night. Sometimes you prioritise the relationship, sometimes sleep, sometimes personal space. Given this is the first real opportunity I can see why you'd feel disappointed whatever his reasons.

Oh. Bang goes my impotence theory, then.

I agree with this - while getting a good night's sleep is really important, it really doesn't feel good to have sleep prioritised over your relationship when it's the FIRST opportunity to spend the night together. (If that even is his reason, given that he won't tell the OP why.) Ultimately, dating someone who isn't excited to be with you is a recipe for heartbreak down the line imo.

After sleeping on it I've decided I'm going to cancel the date. It's not entirely due to the conflicting expectations and his crap communication about it (my period has started early which throws a spanner in the hopes of any sex anyway) but his response yesterday has definitely made me think I need to reassess things going forward.

I'm going to send him a message shortly saying let's give it a miss. I'll update with what he comes back with.

I suppose if he isn’t prepared to give you more of an explanation other than your alleged snoring, perhaps you should ask if that means you will never spend a night together. If he says no you have a clear basis to make a decision on.

If he says you will at some point, he needs to be specific. How many more months of being together. If he can’t answer that or actually only says maybe you will spend the night together one day, then I would take that as a no unless you want to feel in limbo whether it will happen or not.

I agree with you that meeting his children is a bigger deal than staying the night. It makes me wonder if he is more interested in you being a help with his children rather than a girlfriend

I don't think he'd be talking about joint days out with the DC, going out his way to spend his birthday with you etc if "he wasn't that into you".
So from that aspect I don't think you need to worry.

However, it is weird, I would at least expect some kind of explanation. And if I'm honest the 🤦🏽‍♀️ to shut down the conversation would be an issue for me. I'd need better communication than that to continue a relationship

Good for you. You deserve much more than lukewarm. At 5 months there should be passion, excitement and longing for more time. Particularly when you’re so busy and don’t get as much alone time as you would like!

@BellaGothTheSecond That will also show him that you're not prepared to just be placated with a non-answer or shut down with an emoji for asking a reasonable question, so hopefully you won't end up in a pattern of him just pulling the shutters down on any discussion he doesn't like.

Well done OP. You're entitled to the relationship that you want and that makes you feel good. My concern here is he has an issue, but by not telling what it is, he is happy to make you feel crap about yourself and doubt yourself.

I'm really sorry OP I don't think that he's very serious. When I was dating I'd never let a guy stay the night unless I was genuinely wanting a serious relationship with him.

He has a communication problem.

Open communication is important to build trust and closeness in a relationship. He doesn’t have to tell you things he’s uncomfortable with (e.g. if he snores, wets the bed), but he should give you a top line explanation, e.g. ‘I’m really shattered, need a good night’s sleep and I sleep better alone’ or ‘I don’t feel comfortable spending a whole night with you yet. I don’t want you to feel rejected, but could you give me a little more time’ or ‘I have problems with my sleep/in the night which I don’t yet feel comfortable talking about. It’s not because I have any problem with you’.

Be wary. His pattern of behaviour comes across as controlling/slightly abusive: lack of empathy for you, lack of open communication, suggesting you’re the problem (snoring) and emoji. Even if it’s a defence mechanism and not his intention, it has the effect of making you feel confused and rejected. It doesn’t build trust or love.

I text him:

"Morning John, something has come up so ill have to give this Saturday a miss. Sorry to cancel but you still have some child free time to look forward to" smiley face.

He got back to me quickly with:

"Good morning, that's ok is everything alright?"

Then followed up with another message afterwards saying he hopes today goes well (I'm chaperoning my DM to something) plus a smiley face.

I then said "Yep, nothing to worry about all is fine and thank you"

Then he wished me a good day.

I should leave it there now shouldn't I? I agree with lots of you that hashing it out over text isn't the best way to get clarity going forward.

I think the same

I think you need to have a face to face conversation and stop messaging each other as it can be misread. It sounds like you aren’t both being entirely honest about what you’re feeling/thinking.

Might it be that he struggles to sleep in the same bed as someone else? I have this issue, unless a few drinks have knocked me out. As I've got older, my sleep patterns have become really odd.

I wouldn't read too much into it. If you really like him, just allow it to evolve.

I'm almost certain our paths will cross before Saturday so when they do I will ask what it was all about.

Agree leave it now, but when you talk about it in person you should be honest about how his lack of reasoning and poor communication made you feel rejected and unsure about how he sees the relationship developing. He probably doesn't fully realise how crap its made you feel.

Also is it possible that he has some odd nighttime habit.. sleepwalking, bed-wetting... something.... I'm also a very "active" sleeper and have kicked previous partners quite hard unknowingly. I can thrash about.

He isn't a diabetic by any chance is he?

But despite what I've just said, I'd feel kind of rejected. Even if that isn't his intention, obviously. So I can empathise. Nothing nicer than a lovely passionate night, or just a restful and peaceful one, with someone you care deeply about and waking up to that first cup of coffee with them, cigarette, breakfast, cuddles etc.

Apologies for not having rtft. I would be disappointed too, but I think he is as entitled to decline spending a night with you as you are with him. Agree with OP’s that you need to talk because you may have different ideas about the relationship and where it is going - which is cool.

Also you show us the emoji he sent you but we don’t know what it is in response to. You paraphrase what you said to him but not exactly what was said. So it is impossible to comment on that.

I hope it works out for you.