First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

[BellaGothTheSecond]

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

I wouldn’t be looking for any “reason” like bed wetting.
His reply is either showing how dumb he is or just doesn’t care .
Hope everything is ok ? Really .

That seems very much like “oh must be something wrong “that @BellaGothTheSecond doesn’t want to spend that special 3 hrs with me I have allocated her .
I mean I am such a fine specimen of a man how could she possibly refuse.
After all I usually give her just 3-5 hrs a week of my time . What could possibly be the issue. .

Yes.

I'd be "what the fuck was that emoji about John". 😡

(Not really what I'd say 😂 )

But overall I'd be considering how much I'm investing in him.

His communication is very poor and you are right not to engage with this over text, but equally things are not fine and there is something to worry about, so when you do broach it with him in person he's going to be blindsided.

If you want the communication to improve and the relationship to have a future then the communication is going to have to go both ways. You might have said something like 'I'm a bit disappointed and I'd like to discuss why but not over text. Let's talk when I see you on Thursday' or whatever.

Don't introduce the children to each other yet.

Points all taken, thank you.

I was just reluctant to get into it again over text because of how last night went. It felt very awkward and left me with a bad feeling.

I don't want to waste another day feeling like that going back and forth if he isn't going to elaborate.

I will definitely be raising it in person and will do it in a way that shouldn't have him feeling blindsided.

I think there's also a risk in saying "I'm disappointed but I won't tell you why yet". If someone sent me that, I'd be worrying about it for days. I don't think it's blindsiding to just broach the topic with him next time. It's not like you're going to dump him out of the blue, or give him a massive dressing-down.

Hmm, your texts haven’t cleared up the situation though. If you want to leave it that’s up to you, if it was me I’d want to know what was going on then I can decide how to proceed.

Fair enough if that’s not your preferred approach but it doesn’t change the fact that things are not fine and it’s not helpful to say that they are.

There's undoubtedly an issue with communication in this relationship; my point is that I think it goes both ways.

So you’ve cancelled rather than just talk to him. I think both of you need to work on your communication!

I think its disingenious to say everything is ok - when it isn't. You want to use honest communication when this is a communication issue partially. He will rightfully feel a bit ambushed when you do bring it up in person.

I would definitely say - this is not something I want to get into over text - but I was hurt and a little confused by why you don't want us to spend the night together. But let's talk it through face to face so I can understand more next time we see it each other. Much better than on the phone. This might be a good time for us to talk about what the future might look like for both of us if our relationship continues.

If you are an emoji person you can soften with them etc

I'm definitely going to ask him to clarify where he's at with it and why he was against spending the night. I do feel I need to know so I can adjust my own behaviour and intentions accordingly.

If I was to push anymore through text my worry is he would just clam up more as whatever it is, he's clearly reluctant to come out with it.

It's highly likely I'm going to see him tomorrow and Friday (as in - we will be at the same place at the same time, not an arranged date) so I'm going to use that as my opportunity to raise it in person.

Well... I mean, things are "fine" in the sense that there hasn't been a sudden crisis, nobody is in hospital, her secret ex-husband hasn't reappeared out of the blue - life is continuing as normal. So he doesn't need to be taking any action, or worrying about anything, or sending loads of panicked emojis, before he sees her again. There's no need to "trail" the conversation over text - she can just broach it at the time. It's not hiding anything, it's choosing the right time and place.

So you've essentially delayed the conversation and been a bit dishonest—he asked if everything was okay, and you said yes when it wasn’t. It sounds like both of your communication isn't great. Kindly, what was your goal in canceling? Were you buying yourself time or trying to make a point?

I’d suggest calling him tonight to explain your concerns and the real reason for cancelling. Depending on his response, you can see if the weekend is salvageable.

He may not be interested, but if there’s a legitimate reason or a misunderstanding about why you can’t stay, you might be missing out on a nice evening together. On the other hand, if he’s not serious, at least you’ll know now and can decide how to move forward.

Now you have also communicated badly!

Gosh maybe I am just as shit at communicating too 😫

My goal cancelling the date was - to avoid putting myself in a position where I'm going to be waved off after an allocated time slot, because that isn't what I wanted from that night and I would have left feeling resentful and rejected.

Self preservation / taking back some control of the situation / not just going along with what he wants to do.

My cynical brain says he wants you out the door soon after having had sex with you. All that talk about "having feelings" and "wanting commitment" could be future faking. Some men people will spin quite a bit of yarn as long as it gets them what they want, even if it means they string someone along.

Like I said, fair enough if that's not your preferred approach. Other opinions are available.

I’d suggest calling him tonight to explain your concerns and the real reason for cancelling. Depending on his response, you can see if the weekend is salvageable.

She's going to see him in person tomorrow or Friday - I think it's far better to talk face to face than call him. She'll get a better read on him and it won't be as charged as an out if the ordinary phone call.

Agreed - hadn't seen she was going to see him in person when I posted.

Yes, no need to be defensive. I was clarifying my position.

I can see why you swerved talking about it over text, but...do you guys never call one another? Also when you broach it in person and he asks why you couldnt make it over...you're either going to have to lie about why you can't make it over, or something. And he's likely to make the connection between not staying over and cancelling. It just seems like it'll get very muddy?

But you’ve got two chances to talk to him face-to-face before Saturday and clear up any misunderstanding before you went in like a steam train and cancelled!

You’ve now made a crap communication situation even worse because you couldn’t wait to talk properly.

Honestly it’s a miracle the pair of you have got this far!

We have the odd phone call but for the vast majority of the time we just text on whatsapp.

I know some MNers think it's odd but to be honest it's my preferred method of communication. I'm not one for phonecalls 🤣

Good luck with your conversation tomorrow, OP. I would've been honest with him though, via text - he asked, and you said everything was "fine" when it isn't... With things already being lost in translation/lack of clarity, it's far better to get the crux quickly and clearly. Fingers crossed you get to the bottom of it to move forward.x

I see your point. I've annoyed myself a bit now.

My logic was: I came on my period this morning which now rules out what we'd usually spend most of the evening doing, which would just leave going out for dinner, but after the bad feeling I got last night I figured it was best to just cancel altogether.

Or perhaps he has something on early the next day. We don’t know. We’re not in his head or life.