First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

[BellaGothTheSecond]

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

The real problem isn't the sleeping over issue, it's the lack of honest communication. I'd give him a chance to explain and I'd tell him that snoring/poor sleep/needing a night alone etc are all valid reasons that you can accept, but you'd rather know than have to fill in the gaps. If he responds badly and you aren't reassured, I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

Oh, I'm sorry, he's being crappy and I'd feel so disappointed in your position! 5 months in should still be the exciting, romantic stage, and I'd expect him to be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night together for the first time!

I'm also a single parent, and my last relationship was before my ex started having our daughter 50/50, so overnights were once a week, depending on the man I was dating's work schedule. Any chance we got to spend the night together, we were ecstatic about! After about a year, I started asking for nights to myself when I was child free, and it turns out I was starting to check out of the relationship.

Girl of Tudor... How do you think people fell in love in Tudor times, or any other periods of history, or different cultures today, where sharing a bed waits until there's a ring on someone's finger? Falling in love isn't a recent invention.

And I don't think it's weird, given the circumstances (single parents with limited time) that they've managed to have sex but not spend the night together. You just have to do what you can do, when you can do it.

The only weird thing is his reaction this time. Hopefully there's an innocent reason and it gets cleared up one way or another.

I think he just wants a good night's sleep and a peaceful lie in. I completely get that. Don't ruin an otherwise good relationship by taking it personally.

This is bs. I hate excuses that pretend to be considerate "I'm just thinking of your mother". No you're not. You're thinking of your slef but don't want to say it. If he was to communicate how he would like to spend an evening together but die to his sleep issues he doesn't want to spend the night together or something then that is totally fine. Pretending to be considerate and using emoji to communicate is not a good start for a relationship.

I'd ask about it. Cause it has only been 5 months there is not a lot to lose. Then depending on the answer either cancel or have dinner but make plans with friends post dinner.

Please don’t introduce the children. Sorry to be blunt but it sounds as if he’s looking for playmates for his own DC during the holidays. Bringing this up before you’ve spent the night together is a red flag for me. Sorry

I tend to like the bit before the sleeping and cuddling bits to be honest as most men do!!

He probably doesn’t see the relationship as seriously as you do.

I would pull back and say that you are tired and would quite like a lie in on a rare nught your mum is babysitting so if will go out with a friend and stay over at theirs instead.

You tried to communicate but his reaponse would have irritated me to a point where I would rather not engage but show with my actions where they stand.

I would feel cheap/booty called in this scenario and I would be pretty miffed/want to cancel. You deserve better.

Bringing up a million potential reasons is irrelevant. The fact is he's given OP the brush off with an emoji. If he has a super serious reason not to spend the night with his girlfriend of five months, he should have told her. I'd be very upset and rejected unless the reason was very good, especially after his bs about your mum and then the emoji.

Let’s break it down. He wants you to come over four a time slot of 3-4 hours for sex and light conversation. He then wants you to leave.

He isn’t that into you. If he was he would tell you “hey, I’m worried about being a bad sleeper and keeping you up” or “please stay, you can have my bed but because I snore really bad I will sleep in DC’s bed” (as he does that often anyway)

Everything else is very mid. Saying it’s going to be weird not seeing/talking to you when you’re away.. No. It’s going to be weird !? Girl. That’s not “Gosh, I’m going to miss you so much and will be thinking about you every day”

I’d be backing right out of this and stop bending over backwards to make myself available for someone who will happily use your body but won’t offer genuine comfort and security, or even transparency.

This was my first thought as that's how I would feel. I love my partner but I sleep poorly as it is, so prefer to sleep separately.

The issue is his poor communication, which is making you second guess everything.

I think it's important that you still meet up with him. Things won't get any clearer with you shutting down too.

I think I would say that you can imagine lots of reasonable reasons that he wouldn't want you to stay over, but equally lots of unreasonable ones. Saying that he doesn't want you to stay over because you snore when you know you don't is not helpful. His lack of communication leads you to imagine the worst.

Yes, and it's one night. Their first ever opportunity to stay the night together. It's not like they're an old married couple and the novelty's worn off.

If a person would choose a lovely night's kip on their own rather than the first night of passion and intimacy with a new partner, then they're not really into them.

OP, if he's planning on spending your birthday with him and wants to introduce children then he sounds keen to me?

I would absolutely try to get a clear explanation from him in person though. For me the lack of that would be more of a red flag than anything else.

I also dislike staying over with partners and prefer my own bed and space in the morning. I am a really light sleeper at the best of times and can't deal with snoring etc. Especially after a long marriage with a snorer, it's great not having to put up with that anymore!

Maybe he has some unattractive habits he doesn't want you to know about?

It's hard to know if he's just talking the talk and saying the right things, but isn't really that into you, or if there's an issue that he finds embarrassing or sensitive.
You need an honest conversation, I think. I appreciate that it doesn't sound like he's going to make that easy.

Exactly! He should be excited to finally be able to spend a night together. I genuinely don't believe people who are saying that maybe he needs his sleep and that's reasonable. Who wants a partner who's not looking forward to spending a night together for the first time after five months?! It seems like the absolute bare minimum to me.

I’d be disappointed - it would make me feel as though he’s with me for the occasional sex but NOT after an actual relationship that staying over implies.

I’d talk to him because ‘exclusively just have sex with each other other’ doesn’t necessarily equal ‘relationship’. And maybe, given you have SEN children (I do too) he may not actually be after an actual relationship that involves eventual cohabiting etc. And this is absolutely fine if he feels that way, but you need to know where you stand so you can make an informed decision as to how and whether to proceed - ie, whether it is what you also want. You don’t need to settle for someone else’s crumbs or occasional sex just because you have children/commitments, but you need to talk to each other.

OP, if he's planning on spending your birthday with him and wants to introduce children then he sounds keen to me?

Keen in not particularly romantic ways though. Daytime birthday meet up and getting the kids together.

Sounds like he's keen on potential mother figure and shared childcare, not so keen on emotional and sexual side.

Darn, wish I could edit - strike out the sexual and replace with intimate please.

As he's alright with the sex in short sessions.

Perhaps he feels like staying the night is starting to feel too serious. And he's worried you'll start to slowly move in.
And perhaps he'll tell you face to face, rather than on a text

I don't think you will resolve this without a f2f conversation

I'd bet money on him just wanting some rare alone time and a night alone in bed given his DC won't be there, but not wanting to sound selfish by saying it. Despite the fact its a perfectly valid thing to want as you've acknowledged.

Totally this is my impression too.

Companionship with a bit of sex isn't the same as serious relationship. I know that talking is the mature thing to do, but mh experience with these things is that often men do hide behind excuses as they don't want to upset the status quo. Actions often speak much louder than words. Speak to him but take things with a pinch of salt and look at what he does more than what he says.

But he's also talking about getting all the kids together, that to me is a much bigger step towards serious than staying the night.

I couldn't be bothered with someone that communicates in emojis, he needs to use his big boy words.

But he seems very happy to sound selfish enough to say “come round in the evening for sex, then go home.”

Nah. If there was a genuine reason and he was really into you he would at least tell you, but likely still take the first occasion in 5 months to spend the night with you. Even if he would rather sleep alone, the desire to finally be with you would trump those feelings. He is happy with flying visits, sex and getting the kids together. He doesn’t want a deeply romantic connection and I think you know that.

I think you need to talk in person.
You need to understand why he doesn't want to stay with you, when you were excited about it. Unfair that he doesn't communicate and would be a big issue for me.