First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

[BellaGothTheSecond]

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

Don't look at it as sides but as communication standards. There's every possibility that he's genuine in all the things he's said but that he has some issues about overnights that he's insecure/uncomfortable about. That would make anyone feel sympathy for him rather than think he's a bastard, so it does appear on the surface as better than being a player. It's not in the end though, not to be in a relationship with. You don't want to have to teach someone how to talk to you or worry about what they are keeping back. You want an adult relationship, and that's going to need him to tell you that he feels a bit nervous about sharing a night together because he doss xyz in his sleep. Not a problem if he wants to wait but tells you about it. Big problem if he shuts you down and leaves you guessing. And of course he may be a schmoozer. The point is it doesn't make a difference to you which one it is if it isn't working for you.

Facepalm emoji is really harsh. He might be embarrassed because of sleep talking or something but whatever it is he's putting the blame on you with that reply when it's a really normal thing to be excited to spend a night together this far in especially when it's such a rare opportunity for you to be able to.
If he can't kindly explain why, do something else that night, stay at a friend's or if you can afford it maybe even a hotel :) rest and recharge.

Actions always speak louder than words. Texting during the day/ "I'll miss you" can mean absolutely nothing. You have to extrapolate from his actions. Subtract all the extended foreplays leading up to sex, OP, what activities are left between you?
Spending the night is emphatically post-sex so I think his rejection of that time together speaks a lot.

I’m sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like he’s enjoying the sex without the commitment of a full night together & has gotten used to that. It’s very disrespectful & I can imagine very hurtful. Don’t let him use you like this.

I have a friend in a similar situation. 4 months into a relationship, she wants overnights on a Saturday after a day out, then to lie in together until 10am on the Sunday, a leisurely brunch, and perhaps returning home in the afternoon. Her love interest is fine with a full day on a Saturday but prefers to sleep alone as he is up at 5.30am running, cycling or hiking on a Sunday morning.

Her desire for the post-sex intimacy is wholesome and reasonable. But I'm a runner, cyclist and hiker, so I get it - he wants to use his day.

They are beginning to resent the time they spend together as she feels that his emotional and time commitment is insufficient, and he feels that time spent with her comes at the cost of his hobbies. Sadly, unless one of them blinks, it's not going to work.

Avoid the resentment, OP. Communicate - by voice, not text - and get on the same page before it's too late.

Yes.

OP, you have a FWB, which is fine if that’s what you both want.

You seem to want / think you are in a proper relationship. You need to have very open and frank conversation about each other’s expectations to get them aligned - or both move on to other situations that are more appropriate.

I would feel exactly the same, OP. And it doesn't really matter why he doesn't want you to stay, the point is that you need more intimacy, or a different kind of intimacy, than this man does. Most people who are having sex LOVE to wake up together, love to snuggle in bed and know they don't have to get up and go home. He might have issues with connection and closeness.

I wouldn't necessarily do anything right now, but inside, I would protect your heart and pull away a bit. Can you start looking around for others, by going out on dates? Doesn't have to lead to anything physical. But I think when your lover doesn't want you to stay the night after all this time when you get a rare opportunity, you're perfectly within your rights to start window-shopping. You say you currently see him once or twice a week. Maybe cut back a bit.

Actually, it's pretty depressing that he doesn't want to grab this golden opportunity to have you close to him all night.

The fact that he won't communicate with you about it is a red flag, as well. It's a big rejection that he's just meted out, and anyone with some social skills would know that this is the kind of thing you talk about, if you don't want to introduce all sorts of bad things into the relationship.

The rejection followed by the stonewalling would have me losing my temper and it would be the end of things, but that's just me. I wouldn't be able to let him sweep this major rejection under the carpet and continue sleeping with him.

This sounds miserable. Your friend and her lover have different priorities and his needs are too different from hers. I don't know why people force themselves to continue in relationships where they're just not compatible. Her lover needs someone who also wants to get up at 5.30 on a Sunday morning and spend the day exercising. I would find someone like that a complete fun sponge. How awful to have all your Saturday nights affected by an obsessive exercise habit! Your friend needs someone more laid-back and fun. She needs someone with whom she can have a laugh on a Saturday night, have sex, fall into bed tangled up together, have the brunch etc next day. She's never going to have that with Mr. Intense. I've been married to someone that intense, and while their achievements are impressive, one thing they are not is fun. Tell her I said all this!

My DP has c-ptsd and was v badly injured years ago…this all results in very disturbed nights as he startles awake/has to sit on edge of bed/needs to move to alleviate stiffness, and this is all coupled with frequent trips to the toilet due to age/old injuries. He had been single for years and when we first got together explained all of this to me as he didn’t want me to be disturbed at night and also needed the maximum amount of sleep he could get, without me disturbing him either! He never sleeps over at mine as he needs his familiar surroundings when he wakes in a panic. We have, very slowly over years as I also have care responsibilities, gotten to being able to spend the night together at his.

I explain this just to bring to mind that there may be innocent reasons this man doesn’t want to spend a whole night together, BUT it needs honest conversation not closing down with emojis! My DP is very definitely serious about our relationship and even though it meant opening up to me about private things/bodily functions he did because our relationship was important to him.

Oh no! You sound like you've been through the wars! Was he a cyclist?

With my friend's case, there is nuance. He is open to meeting on a Friday evening and having that lie in on the Saturday morning, but she refuses as she prefers to meet on a Saturday. He suggested that he choreograph the outdoorsy stuff so that they could do the Sunday morning lie in twice a month but she rejected that as she felt that if he was into her, he would want to spend all his free time with her.

Stunning looks have afforded her the luxury of this somewhat rigid approach in the past and she is a little shell shocked by this experience as she is used to having her way with men!

Coming in at this point in the thread and reading all your posts together OP, the thing that immediately jumps out is that you're spending so much time analysing his motives.

You shouldn't have to do that, he should be able to communicate clearly when you two aren't seeing eye to eye on something. Instead, you're wringing yourself inside out and writing paragraph after paragraph about him, meanwhile he dropped an emoji and went to sleep.

The dynamic is off here, you're not equals in this relationship anymore and he's taking up too much space in your head. If I were you, I'd be very concerned, and ready to pull the pin if he doesn't come to his senses.

It could be many things, but it’s his bed and he decides who sleeps in it.

You get to choose how to react to this. You have made a lot of assumptions and it doesn’t sound like he was on board with you staying over and then changed his mind.

If you don’t want to be on a relationship with someone who isn’t on the same level as you can have a big cry about it leave.

If this was the other way round, we’d be slating the male for presuming sex was on the cards???

People should only have sex if they want to, and not feel any pressure to do something they are not yet sure about!

This applies to women and men!

@BellaGothTheSecond

They have had sex before lots of times. This isn't about sex.

Has he spent a night over at yours, or had it just been 'day sex'?

This would tell you whether he's uncomformable with something at his house, or whether it is a sleep thing etc.

Based on what you've said, he hasn't done this either...

Don’t go off what he says. Go off what he does.

You’re just a booty call to him OP.

When you’re alone together, do you do anything other than have dinner and then have sex?

Because it sounds like you see each other a couple of times a week for sex, and although the communication is there in between times in form of texts and phone calls, this isn’t really a relationship - it’s an opportunity for him to get laid.

Even if on the minor off-chance there was a valid reason why he didn’t feel able to spend the night, the fact that he’s brushed it off with fake excuses and emojis is a sign of how the future would look if you were together. Getting answers from him would be like getting blood from a stone.

Personally I would dump and run.

For the posters saying things like they would end a relationship if someone wanted to spend the night, while spending the night together may be something that some don’t want, it is a normal part of a developing relationship, and it’s not reasonable to expect your partner to just be content with the crumbs of sex you’re prepared to offer. it makes them feel used.

I have a friend whose brother felt he couldn’t ever spend the night with his partner. They were together for years and they never spent a night together. He put it down to his anxieties and she was understanding. Even if they went away to a hotel together they had to have separate rooms.

Interestingly his anxieties didn’t stop him shagging someone else. And when she split from him she had to spend a long time coming to terms with why she’d been willing to accept being treated that way.

Just ask him op. Say “look I need to know exactly why you don’t want me to stay. If it’s because you snore / have insomnia / want your space / need to do an explosive shit at 7am sharp every morning then just tell me and thats Absolutely fine. Because if you don’t tell me I’m going to mither and speculate And assume it’s because you’re not that into me. I’d rather know either way.”

I’ve read all your posts, OP. If he bedshares with his child do you think he might just be desperate for a good night’s sleep, alone in his bed with no one else in it? I think that would be me tbh

Agree!

Ring him and ask him

I'm on the partners side, I am also the same, I find it so difficult to spend the night with a new partner.
It all feels too much until a long time in, I also like my own company and really value my sleep.
I also have an annoying tick that happens when I am drifting off to sleep as well as worrying about the evening routine and the morning - I'm a very early bird and most people aren't

Eventually when I'm comfortable I explain all this and somehow it all works out OK.

What matters is that you are unhappy and so communication is key.
I think you should still go out with him on Saturday and either just do dinner and drinks and then go home or if you want to go to his do that. Not going is proper throwing your toys out of the pram.
If someone said to me that you either stay over or we're over - we'd be over as I won't be given an ultimatum and make myself uncomfortable just to please the other person.

Some of these responses are really strange.

Wanting to stay overnight after 5 months isn’t too soon, putting pressure on him or a step towards living together. It’s a chance to spend a night together without distractions.

It seems too long to have waited imo. Surely most couples want to spend nights together? It’s far nicer than a shag and run type relationship? I’d say most couples stay over way before a few months.

Id find this really strange and if definitely think we weren’t on the same page with regards the relationship status.

He may just, like many would, want the night to himself undisturbed, have a lie in next morning.

The face palm emoji from him is awful.

Me too, I’d be thinking about cutting this short and leaving him to it.

he’s not the one for you @BellaGothTheSecond