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Original poster

First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

506 replies

BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 19:56

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 06/03/2025 09:42

Nmeshed · 06/03/2025 09:11

“I assumed he'd want me to stay over.
He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.”

For me, if a man assumed I would be staying over because I had a free night I might feel a bit weird. I would expect him to ask me if I fancied staying over, not just assume I would because he wanted me to.

Even if you’d been together for 5 months, hadn’t had a single opportunity for an overnight stay in that time, have been told they’re in love with you and you’ve discussed staying over previously?

snotathing · 06/03/2025 09:44

I'd be very unimpressed if he's giving the silent treatment for you questioning why he didn't want you to stay. That and the facepalming smacks of you being 'trained' to put up and shut up.

Tartanboots · 06/03/2025 09:59

I think it is strange of him not to want you to stay over, you should have told him why you were cancelling really. Then he could have explained why. You're meant to be in a serious relationship, why would you have to go home after sex? How would you get home late at night? I don't think you were expecting too much, given what he's told you and how you have to make so much effort to see each other anyway. Actions speak louder than words and it looks like he's only after a fairly basic relationship, or has some very weird sleeping habits?

Travelban · 06/03/2025 10:01

Silent treatment might be a good thing as he is taking time to reflect on the situation. He either then emerges thinking he is going to make renewed efforts, communicate, push for more or he will walk off. The ball is in his court now

I had silent treatment from men many times before, with both outcomes. It's sometimes a way to take time out and think and in my experience they are best avoided as you can't influence the outcome either way.

TessTimoney · 06/03/2025 10:08

BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 20:07

I've been to his house plenty yes. He's definitely not seeing anybody else, atleast I'm as sure as I can be that he isn't. He doesn't get much child free time when he isn't working himself.

"He's just not into you" is the first thing that springs to mind for me too, I'm cynical like that, but looking at the relationship and his communication/actions (other than this) as a whole really don't give me that impression.

For example, I was happy to keep things casual to begin with but he made it clear he was looking for commitment, told me he had feelings first etc.

I'm glad I don't sound like I'm being overly sensitive about this. I'm gutted.

I'd ask him to define "commitment"!

Qwee · 06/03/2025 10:13

snotathing · 06/03/2025 09:44

I'd be very unimpressed if he's giving the silent treatment for you questioning why he didn't want you to stay. That and the facepalming smacks of you being 'trained' to put up and shut up.

This.
Being shut down with that stupid emoji would be it for me.

ArabellasHorse · 06/03/2025 10:59

You need to have a proper talk with him face to face. Sounds like he's now feeling that you don't want to know because you've cancelled your date so now he's upset and backed off. This could all be one big misunderstanding over text which is very easy to do, but he needs to tell you straight why he doesn't want you to stay, however embarrassing or awkward it might be for him. Then you can decide if you feel it's worth pursuing the relationship. You'll never find out with all this texting and not being clear with each other.

AutumnFroglets · 06/03/2025 11:48

The question you now need to ask yourself is whether this feeling you are having is worth it. Personally the emoji would have pulled me up sharpish as it tells me this man won't communicate properly and you cannot have a healthy relationship without good communication... as you are now finding out. Don't accept any love bombing he's going to do, because he will. I'll second your comment, what a twat.

StrikeAlways · 06/03/2025 12:02

BellaGothTheSecond · 06/03/2025 08:20

I think I'm on the receiving end of the silent treatment now which I can only assume is due to me cancelling. He usually texts lots but ' crickets ' since yesterday morning.

If this translates to in-person I may not get my answers today as hoped.

What a twat.

Best you see this side of him now rather than later 💐

SpidersAreShitheads · 06/03/2025 12:14

BellaGothTheSecond · 06/03/2025 08:20

I think I'm on the receiving end of the silent treatment now which I can only assume is due to me cancelling. He usually texts lots but ' crickets ' since yesterday morning.

If this translates to in-person I may not get my answers today as hoped.

What a twat.

I think if he’s acting like this it actually gives you all the answers you need.

I also just wanted to say that I totally get while you felt rejected (I’m autistic/ADHD and have the whole RSD thing too).

It takes me ages to spend the whole night with someone but that’s to do with exes mocking how weird I look when I sleep/how loud I snore. But I’d always explain that and crucially, I’d never be saying to someone “ooh how I wish we could spend the whole night together!”

Also, if you want things to progress at some point you have to take the plunge and stay the whole night. Otherwise it just ends up feeling like FWB.

I would have cancelled the date too in your circumstances.

Nmeshed · 06/03/2025 12:19

Tillow4ever · 06/03/2025 09:42

Even if you’d been together for 5 months, hadn’t had a single opportunity for an overnight stay in that time, have been told they’re in love with you and you’ve discussed staying over previously?

Show quote history

Yes because I have a life. I might not want to drop my plans because he had a free window. I would still expect him to at least ask me. That would be exciting but to have someone just assume and expect it…nah, not for me. It would put me off but we are all different.

MrsPeterHarris · 06/03/2025 12:23

He's showing you over and over again Op who he is, it's up to you now to believe him.

MerryForever · 06/03/2025 13:10

It’s a total passion-killer that he doesn’t leap at the chance of a night together especially as you said earlier that he said how much he wished that could happen.

In hindsight, it would have been easier if you’d said earlier on in the discussions, “why don’t you want me to stay over?” There may be a reason why. But I think his responses are weird despite that.

My fear for you is that he’s using you for sex in his odd free moments but doesn’t want the commitment of a night together. I wouldn’t like that.

CH1968 · 06/03/2025 14:34

SlightlyJaded · 04/03/2025 21:24

I'd leave it for now - I think that there is a danger of everything deteriorating because of a breakdown in comms over text.

Just go for a few hours and take that opportunity to try and understand what's going on when you are face to face.

I agree with slightly jaded. Meet up, put your own time limit on the evening, try to arrange a meet up with a friend so that you will have to leave at a certain time. And definitely no sex. This will give you the opportunity to hear what he has to say without falling into the pattern that suits him. If travel etc. is an issue, then I'd put him on the back burner and head out with another friend. You need to take control here. You also need a face to face conversation, texting just complicates things further. Good luck anyway. x

ShamblesNumber5 · 06/03/2025 14:42

The number of people on here suggesting that the OP's boyfriend is using her for sex....when OP is the one that cancelled a date because her period arrived so they can't have sex anyway. I mean, if you can't be arsed to see him anymore because you can't spend the evening doing what you would "usually do" (sex I assume, unless you usually go swimming with sharks or something?) that makes it sound like you are also only in this for the sex.
My partner and I rarely spend the night together in the same bed, I stay at his a couple of nights every other week and sleep in a separate room. I am happy with this - we are in a committed partnership, we make each other happy and FWIW our sex life is fantastic. Not every relationship looks the same, it is about whether those who are living it are happy and comfortable, not those looking in on it from the outside.
When we had been together for 5 months I was also co-sleeping with a 5YO, when I didn't have DC with me I was happy to have the whole bed to myself and not have to share with DP! Maybe your DP feels the same? Or maybe he does snore and dribble and fart like a gorilla all night? Or he just didn't understand the importance of this to you because when you text about it he was in a queue at the petrol station and not really paying attention?
Text conversations are ridiculous, if you actually care about DP do not end the relationship based on this, definitely speak face to face and then decide. Remember, from his perspective you are not looking great either. You have thrown all of your toys out of the pram and cancelled the date because you didn't like how he answered your question...

category12 · 06/03/2025 17:57

ShamblesNumber5 · 06/03/2025 14:42

The number of people on here suggesting that the OP's boyfriend is using her for sex....when OP is the one that cancelled a date because her period arrived so they can't have sex anyway. I mean, if you can't be arsed to see him anymore because you can't spend the evening doing what you would "usually do" (sex I assume, unless you usually go swimming with sharks or something?) that makes it sound like you are also only in this for the sex.
My partner and I rarely spend the night together in the same bed, I stay at his a couple of nights every other week and sleep in a separate room. I am happy with this - we are in a committed partnership, we make each other happy and FWIW our sex life is fantastic. Not every relationship looks the same, it is about whether those who are living it are happy and comfortable, not those looking in on it from the outside.
When we had been together for 5 months I was also co-sleeping with a 5YO, when I didn't have DC with me I was happy to have the whole bed to myself and not have to share with DP! Maybe your DP feels the same? Or maybe he does snore and dribble and fart like a gorilla all night? Or he just didn't understand the importance of this to you because when you text about it he was in a queue at the petrol station and not really paying attention?
Text conversations are ridiculous, if you actually care about DP do not end the relationship based on this, definitely speak face to face and then decide. Remember, from his perspective you are not looking great either. You have thrown all of your toys out of the pram and cancelled the date because you didn't like how he answered your question...

🤦‍♀️

Emma543 · 06/03/2025 18:49

ShamblesNumber5 · 06/03/2025 14:42

The number of people on here suggesting that the OP's boyfriend is using her for sex....when OP is the one that cancelled a date because her period arrived so they can't have sex anyway. I mean, if you can't be arsed to see him anymore because you can't spend the evening doing what you would "usually do" (sex I assume, unless you usually go swimming with sharks or something?) that makes it sound like you are also only in this for the sex.
My partner and I rarely spend the night together in the same bed, I stay at his a couple of nights every other week and sleep in a separate room. I am happy with this - we are in a committed partnership, we make each other happy and FWIW our sex life is fantastic. Not every relationship looks the same, it is about whether those who are living it are happy and comfortable, not those looking in on it from the outside.
When we had been together for 5 months I was also co-sleeping with a 5YO, when I didn't have DC with me I was happy to have the whole bed to myself and not have to share with DP! Maybe your DP feels the same? Or maybe he does snore and dribble and fart like a gorilla all night? Or he just didn't understand the importance of this to you because when you text about it he was in a queue at the petrol station and not really paying attention?
Text conversations are ridiculous, if you actually care about DP do not end the relationship based on this, definitely speak face to face and then decide. Remember, from his perspective you are not looking great either. You have thrown all of your toys out of the pram and cancelled the date because you didn't like how he answered your question...

I would argue differently that OP cancelled the date as clearly he is only interested in sex given she would be booted out after and they can’t do that anyway so what was the point of the whole night. Alongside this her feelings are also understandably hurt.
secondly sending an emoji response is not ‘answering the question’ is it.
there are all different relationships where partners do not share a room however you would hope they would communicate this rather than just dodge any nights together.

LBFseBrom · 06/03/2025 19:34

He's not only interested in sex, the op has written about different things they've done on dates, going out, etc. I would imagine the op is just as interested in sex as he is, she just wants an all-nighter and he doesn't, at least not just yet.

Wisenotboring · 06/03/2025 19:37

This is awful. Normally, after so long I would expect a couple to be desperate to have the relaxed intimacy of a full night together. Even if it takes a little.time to get used to having someone else in the bed, it's still a special progression in the relationship. I would be very hurt a uncertain about stating in the relationship. He may or may not have his reasons, but life's too complicated as it is without adding in a man whoncant communicate in a straightforward and honest way.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 06/03/2025 19:48

Wisenotboring · 06/03/2025 19:37

This is awful. Normally, after so long I would expect a couple to be desperate to have the relaxed intimacy of a full night together. Even if it takes a little.time to get used to having someone else in the bed, it's still a special progression in the relationship. I would be very hurt a uncertain about stating in the relationship. He may or may not have his reasons, but life's too complicated as it is without adding in a man whoncant communicate in a straightforward and honest way.

Totally agree.

OldChairMan · 06/03/2025 19:59

stampin · 06/03/2025 08:45

Not sure this is over, depends what he does next surely.

He can turn this around if he really wants to.

Not if OP has had already had enough of the way he's dealt with this.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 06/03/2025 20:06

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 06/03/2025 01:26

He's a man though and it only matters what @BellaGothTheSecond wants.

Show quote history

Oh come on, it's crazy that he doesn't want to spend the night snuggling with her and have that special moment of waking up together after all these months of dating. Especially when the opportunity to have a night together is rare as hen's teeth. The vast majority of people would definitely not be OK with this. It's not an entitlement thing, it's a being-normal thing. She has every right to question this. It's part of protecting her heart.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 06/03/2025 21:01

BellaGothTheSecond · 06/03/2025 08:20

I think I'm on the receiving end of the silent treatment now which I can only assume is due to me cancelling. He usually texts lots but ' crickets ' since yesterday morning.

If this translates to in-person I may not get my answers today as hoped.

What a twat.

I don't think this guy is relationship material, @BellaGothTheSecond. Look at all the needless silly fuss and bad feeling caused over a simple thing like spending the night together, which should be a given after five months together. Hell, I spend the night with them from the off! (If no kids there.) Someone who doesn't want to spend the night together after months on end is emotionally constipated. No surprise that the same person also cannot communicate and sends you a FACE-PALM EMOJI in response to your efforts at clear, direct communication.

Some people just can't handle relationships. It doesn't make them bad people. But it doesn't mean that they're right for you to be in an intimate relationship with, either.

I would have no patience for this. Do yourself a favour and find someone who can cope with a normal, intimate connection.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 06/03/2025 21:03

LBFseBrom · 06/03/2025 19:34

He's not only interested in sex, the op has written about different things they've done on dates, going out, etc. I would imagine the op is just as interested in sex as he is, she just wants an all-nighter and he doesn't, at least not just yet.

"Not just yet," after five months of dating and being quite happy to shag her. PAH! Poor delicate little thing.

ShamblesNumber5 · 06/03/2025 21:32

I refer to his answer of "a few hours" and not the face palm emoji. I don't think the emoji is ideal for what it is worth, but it doesn't sound like either party is communicating very clearly by that stage in this text conversation. Face to face is so much easier to sort things out.
OP hasn't said that DP is only interested in sex. She has said that they do plenty together, but on the other hand she is the one who has cancelled the whole date because she has her period so won't be able to have sex. Her whole attitude seems to be that there is no point in having a dinner out with DP if they aren't going to have sex and spend the whole night together. Yet many PPs are acting as though it was her DP that said this?
There could be lots of reasons that DP would rather she didn't spend the night. Trying to have an open and grown up conversation about it by text isn't going to work and instead of trying to see DP face to face OP is cancelling the date by text.
OP has been happily leaving DPs house after sex for 5 months, I would assume that she is having a good time and this isn't all for his benefit. Then DP has failed to notice the magical splendor that is being able to share a bed for the night, so OP is straight on here with strangers talking about ending the relationship without even giving him a chance to explain face to face.