First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

[BellaGothTheSecond]

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

Or perhaps he doesn’t want her to stay on that particular night.

He's a man though and it only matters what @BellaGothTheSecond wants.

It could be that he had bad experiences in the past with having someone sleeping next to him? I personally wouldn’t want an overnight with anyone if DH and I were separated for any reason. I feel even if I knew the guy intimately, I wouldn’t be able to relax falling asleep next to someone else ever again. I would worry they would have nightmares and flail out, be terrible snorers, restless legs, maybe needing to get up and down constantly and also falling asleep is so vulnerable I wouldn’t be able to drop my guard being a control freak. If I had a rare childfree night I would look forward to my own bed and no one in it. I wouldn’t want to explain this to anyone either (except on this forum lol).

I would probably just dial the intensity back a notch. Some miscommunication happened, the date has been called off, let some time pass and reassess. Is this guy, ‘The One?’ If not, and his communications are not the best, I would start looking elsewhere.

Gosh I dated someone like this for a couple of years his name doesn’t start with a c does it op? 🤣. I absolutely adored him and his children too but after a couple of years of situations like this I realised I was the only one looking for a future together whereas he was thinking things would always be the same as in on his terms, I was the only one making any sacrifices and that sucked.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore

Did you notice what he did there? First he uses your mum as a deflection to take the emphasis off himself, then he used your snoring as a get out clause - neither of which are honest answers. Has he cooled off at all recently? Time for him to fess up or for you to walk away - it seems like everything is on his terms, that isn't how relationships work.

Mhm I would’ve told him that you don’t want to meet up because it feels like he’s giving you a slot rather than wanting to spend the night with you. This way you’re also not communicating straight forward. If you’re not saying what’s bothering you you can’t expect the same thing from him.

i would say it’s time for a deep talk next time you see each other. And that time I would be up and front about this.

Also - it would’ve been the first time for a sleepover in five months? Is that right? Really weird it hasn’t worked our earlier - was that because of his schedule?

This is the only option of an overnight in 5 months.

For whatever reason he's a tosser

This guy isn't emotionally available, he clearly doesn't have much empathy and he isn't boyfriend material.

This OP. Unfortunately. A rare chance to spend the night together would be seized with both hands by someone who actually cherished you & the relationship. Unless he actually gives you a real reason, he's showing you that he doesn't see this relationship as important. Obviously he doesn't need to give any reason, he is entitled to simply not want to spend the night with you - which we can draw our own conclusions on how highly he values the relationship.
And ignore the very weird posters on here implying that you're somehow forcing your way into his house overnight 😂 MN can produce some very bizarre comments!

Mhm I would’ve told him that you don’t want to meet up because it feels like he’s giving you a slot rather than wanting to spend the night with you. This way you’re also not communicating straight forward.

I agree with this too OP.
It's sad, but at least you've found this out now and not a year down the line.

IMHO, you’re right not to keep asking over message. It can lead to miscommunication and may have made things worse.

And, all round, I think you made the right decision not to see him at all. It would’ve been so hard to have to leave and return home alone at his request. Can you go out with a friend instead or invite someone over, so you still have a great night off and he realises you have other things to do.

But do ask him directly when you see him: “Why didn’t you want me to stay with you overnight?’. If he asks why you’re asking, just say: ‘It sounded like you weren’t keen on the opportunity and that’s disappointing. Sounds like you want to keep things casual’. I wouldn’t say it upset you. If he’s being a bit controlling, he’ll enjoy that you were desperate to see him. Give him the impression it’s turned you off a bit, because presumably it has, and you chose something better to do.

If he asks why you cancelled, say something like: ‘I had a rare whole night off and wanted to make the most of it.’

I think I'm on the receiving end of the silent treatment now which I can only assume is due to me cancelling. He usually texts lots but ' crickets ' since yesterday morning.

If this translates to in-person I may not get my answers today as hoped.

What a twat.

He wants you to feel uncomfortable and 'move on'. His actions demonstrate it's his way only and he won't discuss things. Never mind the sleepover!

Sounds like it's going to fizzle out. Just cut it off x

Feel like this doesn't it?

Good on you for not letting all this slide. It's a fair question and once he gets into the habit of closing down with emoticons then he may well continue

Has he just not txt at all or have you tried to communicate without any luck ?

I think that’s actually all the answer you need. Things didn’t go his way (to have sex and for you to go home) and instead of treating you with basic respect he’s ignoring you. He isn’t that into you and he isn’t a good man or worth your time. This says it clearly as day.

Yes what a twat! He's wanting to know why you have cancelled please don't tell him,

Not sure this is over, depends what he does next surely.

He can turn this around if he really wants to.

This seems an odd way to carry on for two mature people I couldn’t be bothered with this.

He’s given no reason why you can’t stay over, emojis that are ambiguous then silent treatment …it’s not worth the head space.

Which came up unexpectedly. I wouldn’t necessarily rush to an overnight just because someone I was seeing suddenly had a night become available.

it sounds as though, for him, it isn’t that kind of relationship. Fair enough. Disappointing for op , but still fair enough.

I also agree with what others have said about clearer communication from both but recognise that isn’t so easy for every one.

I am not usually on the side of the man (sorry but it’s true) but in this case I see some unfairness. How can we say he is giving her the silent treatment when she got petulant and cancelled their date because she wants to stay all night and he doesn’t want to do that. She gives us one side of the conversation to which he responded with a face palm but she doesn’t tell us what she said (well, she paraphrased her contribution). Couples have tiffs and misunderstandings especially if they don’t communicate well. I don’t see this as straightforward toxic male behaviour. Not yet anyway.

I'd say if you've already DTD and haven't spent the night he is probably not that serious and getting what he wants from youon a more casual basis without having to emotionally invest in spending the night.

“I assumed he'd want me to stay over.
He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.”

For me, if a man assumed I would be staying over because I had a free night I might feel a bit weird. I would expect him to ask me if I fancied staying over, not just assume I would because he wanted me to.

Good luck, today OP.