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Original poster

First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

506 replies

BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 19:56

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

OP posts:
toxic44 · 05/03/2025 20:26

Maybe he's an owl and doesn't do mornings very well, or the other way around. Maybe he thinks you'd laugh at him saying his prayers. Maybe he's nervous about an all-nighter and thinks you'll expect rounds 2, 3 and 4. Maybe he wears a onesie. You won't know unless you ask. It depends how keen you are on him whether it's worth the effort of that conversation.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 05/03/2025 20:28

BellaGothTheSecond · 05/03/2025 19:59

I don't like the implication that I'm somehow forcing myself into his house / onto him overnight.

Months ago when it was all brand new he said he'd love to be able to spend a full night with me and how it was a shame we weren't able to, I really wasn't expecting the response I got.

He doesn't want me to stay, fine, the least he could do is say why.

Edited

He said things he thought he'd want in the very early days. Reality has struck and he doesn't want you to stay over night.

What reason would you accept? People are allowed to not be ready to have someone else in their space all night or just not want to. Even men.

plsd · 05/03/2025 20:29

I totally get you wanting to cancel OP.
If Saturday night went ahead you'd be spending the night resenting the fact you were on an allotted time slot and you'd have left the date feeling flat and rejected.

You have a free rare child free overnight that sounds so deserved and why should you cut it short and go home as he's had enough time with you.

Do you have a friend you could have a night out with instead? Or if you can afford it, check in to a hotel and have a glass of wine/pamper night/order room service - whatever you'd enjoy - then a lovely child free long lie in the morning.
If it's this rare for you to have an overnight to yourself you've definitely earned it!

plsd · 05/03/2025 20:30

toxic44 · 05/03/2025 20:26

Maybe he's an owl and doesn't do mornings very well, or the other way around. Maybe he thinks you'd laugh at him saying his prayers. Maybe he's nervous about an all-nighter and thinks you'll expect rounds 2, 3 and 4. Maybe he wears a onesie. You won't know unless you ask. It depends how keen you are on him whether it's worth the effort of that conversation.

She had already asked and given him an opportunity to explain and his response was "🤦🏽‍♀️"

Beautifulweeds · 05/03/2025 20:35

Yes, very strange. Has he become too used to his own routine and can't alter it?

BiggySwish · 05/03/2025 20:36

BellaGothTheSecond · 05/03/2025 19:59

I don't like the implication that I'm somehow forcing myself into his house / onto him overnight.

Months ago when it was all brand new he said he'd love to be able to spend a full night with me and how it was a shame we weren't able to, I really wasn't expecting the response I got.

He doesn't want me to stay, fine, the least he could do is say why.

Edited

Kindly @BellaGothTheSecond is there a reason you haven’t taken his reason/excuse for not inviting you to stay over at face value?

You say you don’t know why he hasn’t asked you to stay, but he didn’t actually give you a reason;
”he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.” (Is there some context here? Is your mum elderly / find it hard to look after the kids?)
You then said you “thought it seems odd to pass up the opportunity to spend the night together for the first time, and he just replied with " 🤦🏽‍♂️ "

I mean, taking it at face value the facepalm suggests to me that he means, duh yes of course he shouldn’t have worried about your DM and he is silly not to jump at the opportunity. Particularly if he’s said he’d love to spend a night with you in the past.

Could this just be a text / emoji misunderstanding? Does he normally play mindgames or is he quite a straightforward chap?

Did you not reply to the facepalm asking what he meant by it?

twilightermummy · 05/03/2025 20:42

I'll just throw another idea out there. I know that if I finally got the night to myself, I'd want a decent night's kip.

AnonAnonmystery · 05/03/2025 20:47

category12 · 05/03/2025 20:14

Seriously? It's the first opportunity they've had to spend the night together in the early days of a relationship, and he'd rather get a good night's sleep? 😂

Frankly I like a lot more enthusiasm in a boyfriend.

Show quote history

I totally agree and @BellaGothTheSecond I don’t think you are forcing yourself on him, it’s a natural progression to spend a night together and the first one is a bit of a milestone! I don’t sleep well and sometimes my dp snores but I love staying of at his and love having him at mine too. You get round the messy bits in life that people have mentioned like bodily functions ect ect, it’s normal but no reason to put a barrier up! I hope you feel a bit better soon, he is such a bloody let down!

Qwee · 05/03/2025 20:55

If you have a rare child free night, would you go away with a friend or visit a friend?

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 05/03/2025 21:01

I'm a bit taken aback at the amount of defending this man going on.... OP, part of being in an intimate and loving relationship is spending the night together, talking and cuddling into the early hours especially in a new relationship. You only share a bed with someone that means something to you. His response to this isn't normal and I would have done exactly what you have done in cancelling.

Mackerelfillets · 05/03/2025 21:10

Is there a chance he's being sarcastic and he obvs wants to spend the whole night. The couple of hours is a joke and the slap on face is because you didn't get it?

StrikeAlways · 05/03/2025 21:13

BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 20:15

I wonder if this is something to do with it.

He has mentioned in the past that he doesn't sleep that well at night.

After mulling it over since posting here I did reply to him and say I thought it seems odd to pass up the opportunity to spend the night together for the first time, and he just replied with " 🤦🏽‍♂️ "

Doesn't look like he's going to elaborate any further does it?

😔

Show quote history

I’d tell him you need to hear a sensible explanation on this, or you won’t be coming over at all. If he doesn’t give you a real explanation, have a lovely night out with someone else instead.

stampin · 05/03/2025 21:17

I wouldn't ask for an explanation. I'd just take a step back.

StrikeAlways · 05/03/2025 21:18

RightThenFred · 04/03/2025 20:40

I think for now, just assume he has some weird hang-up (like snoring) and now he's boxed himself into a corner.

Bring it up gently in person, and gauge the situation.

“Bring it up gently”. Nah, I’d be bringing it up directly. Both adults, if there is a genuine sensible reason, that’s fine. If there isn’t, I have better things to do with my time!

Celandine25 · 05/03/2025 21:19

BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 21:31

Thanks all, you've given me a lot of good angles to think about.

Before I even came back to the last page of replies I was considering cancelling the date, so it's validating to see other people saying that's what they would do too. I don't want to look like I'm throwing my toys out of the pram but the allocated time slot has upset me.

I agree the lack of clear communication is just as much of a problem in itself.

About how the relationship is in general: I'd have said fine, although the time constraints we're up against can be a bit of a PITA (from my perspective) as I would like to be able to spend more time together.

I don't think he does though does he?

It does seem to be on his terms a lot of the time, with me bending more to accommodate his schedule more so than he does mine.

The facepalm is rude. I’d bin him off.

BabalooDancing · 05/03/2025 21:21

I think it's very possible that you're just more romantic than he is. I expect he is very into you and wants to see you, go for dinner, have a shag etc but this is not love's young dream is it? You both have kids. He is probably just someone who relishes a single night alone without kids in his bed.

supercali77 · 05/03/2025 21:52

Yeah I'm kinda wondering now if the facepalm is his way of saying 'doh' or...something? The facepalm doesn't make a lot of sense to me besides for that reason....I think what's clear in any case is the lack of clear communication.

Do you guys not text much as well as not call?

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/03/2025 21:58

Morganrae1 · 05/03/2025 20:18

What age is he? Have you considered erectile problems?

Oh he’s all fine there .
That’s the only thing that happens with this man .

PullTheBricksDown · 05/03/2025 21:59

You might just have to say 'what did you mean by this [emoji] because I didn't understand it?'

BrunetteBarbie94 · 05/03/2025 22:09

Genuinely shocked at the amount of people making up weird excuses for him that he hasn't used "his words" to express.

This guy isn't emotionally available, he clearly doesn't have much empathy and he isn't boyfriend material.

You've been dating for 5 months not 5 days and are grown adults 🙄. Staying the night is hardly moving in together and marriage.

He sees you as a sex buddy and it sounds like he just love bombed you in the beginning to make you believe it was more than it was. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with someone who actually wants to spend quality time with you and be emotionally not just physically intimate with you.

He just showed you who he is, believe him.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 05/03/2025 22:16

twilightermummy · 05/03/2025 20:42

I'll just throw another idea out there. I know that if I finally got the night to myself, I'd want a decent night's kip.

Oh me too.

But he didn't say that did he. I mean, how hard would it be to reply 'I'd love to but I'm absolutely exhausted and am going to have to prioritise my sleep this time, sorry' if that was the truth of the matter.

Instead he sent a weird emoji that made the OP feel like shit for even asking, and left her (and the rest of us) to wonder what's really going on.

Can people not see that his communication is the real issue here, without projecting their own sleep habits into the situation?

Tillow4ever · 05/03/2025 23:45

Sorry op, that sounds shit! He is either crap at communicating, he’s not that into you, or there’s something going on that he’s embarrassed about. How are his communication skills normally?

For those trying to say the facepalm was a “d’oh” I’m pretty sure if it was he’d have added some context. It reads more like “bloody hell, not more of this - shut the fuck up” without having to use those words.

There are very few reasons he could have given that wouldn’t have been ok if he was being honest. This suggests he’s hiding something. Could be that he snores and is embarrassed, could be that an ex turns up at 8am every Sunday morning for a shag! Or anything in between.

I hope when you see him in person you can find out the real reason as I think this will be the end for you otherwise. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you and you is honest with you.

Woofie7 · 06/03/2025 00:28

An option would be to go back to his get snuggly no sex And see if that results in sleeping over as you get so snuggly neither of you can be bothered to move . This might mean he is less bothered by whatever is bothering him and he might open up .

if he gets snuggly then suddenly jumps up and says off you go! Well that’s absolutely weird and I would suspect something is very off .

OldScribbler · 06/03/2025 00:32

Glorybox2025 · 04/03/2025 20:24

I'm a terrible sleeper and used to make men sleep on the sofa bed in the living room. I physically couldn't sleep in a bed with someone else. My DH is the one because he slept on the sofa for 6 months and didn't run away 😆 I was totally upfront with guys through unlike this guy. Maybe you should just ask him?

Be frank and ask him. Never too soon to get the griff. Life is strange. For many, many years I never slept alone. I thought it would be terrible and sad to do so. But now I have, I find it quite bearable.

AmusedGreyMember · 06/03/2025 00:46

Maybe he has another health problem he'd rather not discuss like IBS, which might affect his overnight bathroom use, he could be embarrassed to tell you.