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Original poster

First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

506 replies

BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 19:56

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

OP posts:
HardenYourHeart · 05/03/2025 11:56

Nmeshed · 05/03/2025 10:45

Or perhaps he has something on early the next day. We don’t know. We’re not in his head or life.

Show quote history

Then why not say so?

BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2025 12:03

BellaGothTheSecond · 05/03/2025 10:40

I see your point. I've annoyed myself a bit now.

My logic was: I came on my period this morning which now rules out what we'd usually spend most of the evening doing, which would just leave going out for dinner, but after the bad feeling I got last night I figured it was best to just cancel altogether.

Show quote history

You narna! 😂

You sound like me, want everything sorted NOW but sometimes patience really is a virtue like our moms told us! It’s hard I know but just have an honest chat with him about how his curfew made you feel. Either there’s a reasonable explanation and he will be horrified he’s upset you, or he’s an arsehole. Either way you’ll know.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/03/2025 12:15

I agree with the poster saying 'listen to your gut'. There's a reason you posted this thread. What he said didn't accord with what you thought your relationship was.

For me, I was shocked at the 'let's do a few hours'. 'Do'? Are you some sort of chore?

Whatever it is, I hope you feel validated by your thread responses that this was 'off' because it was. I'm more with the posters who suggest cooling right off rather than letting him dictate how this goes but I've dealt with a lot of twats in my time and can tolerate them no more.

I definitely wouldn't be having awkward/difficult or easy to misconstrue conversations by text though. So hard to get back on track, if ever.

offmynut · 05/03/2025 12:18

Read between the lines he`s not that in to you sorry op.

SpringleDingle · 05/03/2025 12:28

My ex wouldn't stay over at mine and when I stayed at his he sorted the spare room for me! He was a very bad sleeper, thrashed, yelled and all sorts. I can't say it wasn't one of the reasons we broke up - I felt very unwanted. The new dude is warm and cozy and gives me a big hug every morning. It's lovely!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/03/2025 12:31

SpringleDingle · 05/03/2025 12:28

My ex wouldn't stay over at mine and when I stayed at his he sorted the spare room for me! He was a very bad sleeper, thrashed, yelled and all sorts. I can't say it wasn't one of the reasons we broke up - I felt very unwanted. The new dude is warm and cozy and gives me a big hug every morning. It's lovely!

To your ex's credit, he had a very valid reason for not wanting you in the bed - for your own safety. I can't imagine he has very successful relationships but he did make provision for you.

This man, the OP's bloke, is preening himself at the OP wanting him and he's having a lovely game of 'push me-pull you'. Now that OP's pulling back, he's being more attentive in his texts.

OrlandointheWilderness · 05/03/2025 12:36

I'd be really hurt and ending this.

Blueblell · 05/03/2025 12:37

Is he overweight? Does he have sleep apnoea possibly

Trumptonagain · 05/03/2025 13:07

BellaGothTheSecond · 05/03/2025 10:56

I'm not going to mention the period to him.

We have spent time together during my TOTM before and do 'other' things on those occasions, if we are at one another's houses, if you catch my drift.

Then there's also times we've just met outdoors for a coffee and a walk.

Maybe he'd like to do the going out to dinner part but then just return home and not have to "do other things".

There's a possibility not all men need/want to have sex on every date

LBFseBrom · 05/03/2025 13:12

I don't see anything suspicious about him not wanting to spend the night, op. All nighters take a relationship to a different level, he's probably nervous about it but if you two are going somewhere, it will happen eventually. It's awkward sometimes, I understand that. It takes time to get used to literally sleeping together.

Please don't feel rejected, I'm sure he didn't mean it that, is just being wary. There is not enough wariness with relationships, so many want to jump in at the deep end, not wise when you've been there, done that and have kids.

Good luck.

Kitchensinktoday · 05/03/2025 13:26

You don't have to fix this OP. It's for him to address and fix. If you're the one who goes ahead to try and squeeze the reason out from him, this sets the tone for the rest of the relationship, i.e you will be doing all the emotional labour. Every time!

Very true

pikkumyy77 · 05/03/2025 13:45

Don’t pay sny attention to people here blaming you for having the desire first the overnight (there is always some mumsnet contrarian to explain why some absurd level of icy rejection or cannibalism works in their idiosyncratic relationship). And don’t feel bad about having cancelled the date without going into grest detail. He prefers oblique texts to picking up the phone and having a heart to heart.

I am sure someone said it on this thread already. Just match his energy.

He is keeping the relationship going with texts and expressions of caring and concern. But when offered the chance for more/different intimacy (the intimacy of the overnight, the experience of waking up together) he shut that down.

If you are happy with a superficial, booty call, kind of relationship then keep him. But if you are looking for something progressing towards more intellectual and emotional intimacy, you should probably take him at his deeds, not his words.

MarchingintoSpring · 05/03/2025 15:58

BellaGothTheSecond · 05/03/2025 09:46

I text him:

"Morning John, something has come up so ill have to give this Saturday a miss. Sorry to cancel but you still have some child free time to look forward to" smiley face.

He got back to me quickly with:

"Good morning, that's ok is everything alright?"

Then followed up with another message afterwards saying he hopes today goes well (I'm chaperoning my DM to something) plus a smiley face.

I then said "Yep, nothing to worry about all is fine and thank you"

Then he wished me a good day.

I should leave it there now shouldn't I? I agree with lots of you that hashing it out over text isn't the best way to get clarity going forward.

Either have a real conversation or don’t bother. What was the point if nothing is addressed?

Semiramide · 05/03/2025 16:51

So........ we have...
Lame excuses
Passive aggressive facepalm
Instead of a proper explanation
Treating you in effect as a commodity
Using you as a FWB without telling you this

In your shoes I would not push for an explanation. Leave him be and see what he comes up with, if anything. And be prepared to end the relationship - or simply let if fade away - if you feel he doesn't meet your needs. Personally I fear this guy is either emotionally stunted or does not want a proper relationship, or both, so I'd let him go.

Daftapath · 05/03/2025 17:44

There is nothing wrong with him not wanting to spend the night together but without an appropriate explanation, he is treating you as just a booty call.

The emoji is just rude.

FeistyFrankie · 05/03/2025 17:45

OP are you absolutely certain that you're in a relationship? Was that explicitly stated when you had "the talk"? I'm getting the impression he sees things with you as more of a fwb situation.

Time to gain some clarity and find out where you really stand.

exaltedwombat · 05/03/2025 17:59

He is embarrassed or apprehensive about some aspect of you staying over. Stop imagining all the bad reasons - ask him!

busymomtoone · 05/03/2025 18:07

I think it’s impossible to tell - the emoji could be him cross at himself ( “doh” response) - emojis notoriously complex to read !! Until you actually ask him to be up front , you’ve really no idea. Both having children complicates the circumstances; maybe he’s not looking for anything more permanent- but equally perhaps his bedroom was in a tip ; dirty sheets; he uses a breathing machine; snores or farts in his sleep. There could be any number of reasons as you have both been used to being alone for a while. If he values your relationship he needs to be honest for you to progress - but if he’s thinking it will suit him to be forever “ friends with benefits “ I think you also need to be transparent about what you’re hoping for from this, so you can choose to stay or move on.

ConfusedChristina · 05/03/2025 18:29

To me, there are two possibilities, first, he just feels an overnight stay is a big step in a relationship and isn’t ready, men can be shy too, or secondly he looks at your relationship as more friends with benefits.
The only way to find out is talking to him, not trying to second guess or ask a hundred people on here.
I really hope all turns out well, good luck

LaughingCat · 05/03/2025 19:06

One of my friends is like this - he hasn’t stayed overnight in the same bed with someone since he married his now ex-wife 25 years ago. He’s happy being exclusive, happy to see the person he’s with for a few hours but isn’t willing to stay the whole night. That level of intimacy is a no-go.

His partner is fully down with that so they live a couple of streets apart, see each other when they can around their separate childcare arrangements but…never stay overnight.

I don’t get it but they seem happy. If you’re already disappointed now, OP…one to dig into and see what’s holding him back and if he ever sees it changing.

Audiprettier · 05/03/2025 19:12

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 04/03/2025 22:58

5 months is too soon for me to spend a night with someone. Too much physical contact would send me into meltdown. Anyone assuming I was obligated to host them overnight would end the relationship too.

You only see each other once a week for five months @BellaGothTheSecond, it's not that much. Imo you are being very OTT just because you think a child free night automatically entitles you to stay overnight in his home. It doesn't.

This 👆!

Original poster
BellaGothTheSecond · 05/03/2025 19:59

I don't like the implication that I'm somehow forcing myself into his house / onto him overnight.

Months ago when it was all brand new he said he'd love to be able to spend a full night with me and how it was a shame we weren't able to, I really wasn't expecting the response I got.

He doesn't want me to stay, fine, the least he could do is say why.

OP posts:
Hmm1234 · 05/03/2025 20:03

Please don’t take it so personal! He maybe needs the free time to recoup from being a single parent! And some sleep

category12 · 05/03/2025 20:14

Hmm1234 · 05/03/2025 20:03

Please don’t take it so personal! He maybe needs the free time to recoup from being a single parent! And some sleep

Seriously? It's the first opportunity they've had to spend the night together in the early days of a relationship, and he'd rather get a good night's sleep? 😂

Frankly I like a lot more enthusiasm in a boyfriend.

Morganrae1 · 05/03/2025 20:18

What age is he? Have you considered erectile problems?

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