First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

[BellaGothTheSecond]

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

I don't see that you've been communicating badly. Sometimes it takes a while to process an event and decide what to do about it, and it's best NOT to have a conversation with the other party until you've fully figured out that decision.

Since the evening together was looming and putting time-pressure on the decision-making, you took it out of the equation.

Now you can focus on the real issue - talking to him about why did he not want you to sleepover.

Don’t tell him about your period.
Do you both usually cancel time together if you are on !

As he’s said, he doesn’t sleep well. Is the bed a bit small for two, e.g. a standard double? Which is def. too small for me to share - I’m a poor sleeper and a tosser and turner.
It does also occur to me that he maybe wants to be free to fart without any MN type disgust!

I'm confused about why you told him something has come up...nothing has come up has it.
Why didn't you say that after last night's conversation you don't wish to meet and you've got your period and not feeling 100%?

I agree with others that telling him everything is fine is also untruthful.
I appreciate that you don't want to discuss this issue by message but I think you could have been more honest as well as saying you can discuss it in person.

I don't want this to be a pile on but I agree with others who have said your communication skills are also lacking quite a bit.
Open and honest communication is the key to a good relationship.
Hard conversations are exactly that but have to be had if everyone wants to remain happy.

In which case, all he had to say was "sorry, got a 6am start that day cos of xx" not facepalm emoji.

I dunno why people are so keen to cast around for reasons like this. If there was a simple practical reason, surely he'd just say it.

I'd be even more concerned about the lack of willingness to discuss it to be honest. If he has a good reason not to want you to stay then he should tell you what that is.

I'm not going to mention the period to him.

We have spent time together during my TOTM before and do 'other' things on those occasions, if we are at one another's houses, if you catch my drift.

Then there's also times we've just met outdoors for a coffee and a walk.

Listen to your gut OP. Most people would be upset ad you're not wrong to be miffed and confused.

If it's that he doesn't sleep well/wants his child free time alone he should communicate that and the face palm emoji etc is only further proof that he's an avoidant type.

If he never wants to spend the night together the relationship isn't ever going to progress is it?

But the main problem here is that he can't be honest and open with you and instead tries to shut you down. For me this would be a huge red flag.

Don't listen to those telling you you've overreacted, it's about time women started listening more to their own feelings instead of pushing them away in order to make things work out with a bloke no matter what. It doesn't sound like he's ready for a serious relationship and the inability to have an adult conversation would give me the Ick massively.

"Don't listen to those telling you you've overreacted, it's about time women started listening more to their own feelings instead of pushing them away in order to make things work out with a bloke no matter what. "

Agree.

It may be that he can't sleep with someone else in the bed, which is also my situation, but I have never had any problem telling a partner that. Now I am married and DH welcomes our separate rooms--we both sleep better on our own. If this is the reason with your partner, I wouldn't have a problem with it, but he does need to learn to discuss it in an adult way rather than just going silent on you.

It looks like you thought you were in a relationship but he thinks it’s just an friendship with exclusive benefits- I have met a few men on the dating scene that say they had this previously and then they just upped and moved. I think they were telling me all this because they wanted the same with me. To me what they describe they had in the past sounded like a relationship and I know I would have been totally devastated if I had been the lady in question. Talking about exclusivity and progressing into a relationship are different things.

It would be v.odd to suddenly call if this isn't your style (and nothing wrong or unusual about that!) and talking face to face is much better.

It does sound like you need to take the bull by the horns with this one though - don't beat about the bush. Explain that you were hurt and confused about him not wanting you to stay over, you realised that perhaps you're not on the same page about where the relationship is and where it's going. You'd expect after 5 months to be staying over together and were hurt he didn't jump at the chance. Where is his head at?

If you feel in your conversation he's not being entirely honest / being avoidant then I'd say absolutely trust your gut on this one. 🌸

I think younhave handled it beautifully. Dignified and calm. You don't discuss these things over text and he made his position clear. He also made it clear he didn't want to discuss it at the time.

Next time you meet you can raise the subject and see what he says. If he is coming up with excuses rather than truths then you can decide what to do. I would take a step back though.

I also agree.

So many people saying
…But he might be exhausted and need sleep
…But he might be embarrassed he snores
…But he might have plans early the next morning

But But But. Why do we women always make excuses for men? Think the best of them even when they behave poorly? Try to work out what they are thinking, what their motives are, how they feel about us etc.

Is it really too much to ask to expect men to just communicate with us? And to not just make up imaginary excuses when they don’t meet our expectations?

The face palm thing to avoid answering a question is very annoying. There's also an implication that you are being irritating by even asking.

It seems that he wants to have sex but for you to leave directly afterwards, so friends with benefits rather than a relationship.

I’d be disappointed. Has he got problems sharing a bed with someone eg extremely light sleeper ? In any case the fact that he doesn’t feel the need to explain properly
is a huge red flag, he’s very inconsiderate. It’s very odd that he’s not jumping at the chance.

He knows why you have cancelled. The ball is in his court now. Well played OP. Personally I would have said let's just stick to dinner as then you had a nice relaxed opportunity to discuss it properly. But either way it's now his turn to communicate effectively with you!! Don't fill the space/silence with your words (it's tempting!!)

I have just read your update op -you did the right thing to cancel. He knows why you have cancelled and has been a bit of a jerk, the facepalm thing would really really piss me off. He clearly doesn’t think you’re worthy of an explanation! I would go very quiet… I don’t mean ghost him, just brief replies and not immediate. Perfectly polite though. Leave him to do the work now. Don’t take any further, don’t analyse anything including your own behaviour any further… Go out and distract yourself and leave it to him.

Snap @Sportacus17 !

"The face palm thing to avoid answering a question is very annoying. There's also an implication that you are being irritating by even asking." Yes to this.

"But But But. Why do we women always make excuses for men? Think the best of them even when they behave poorly? Try to work out what they are thinking, what their motives are, how they feel about us etc." And this.

Even if there's a genuine reason like night terrors or something, why hasn't he considered OPs feelings at all? If he's so emotionally stunted or uncaring that he's not thinking, "OMG Bella is going to think I prefer the option of starfishing in the bed all night then an hour long morning shit in the bathroom playing Tetris on my phone to the option of spending the night with her for the first time EVER" and can't come up with anything better than "I'm concerned about your mum" (a bullshit insult to OP's intelligence) "I'm going to lightly neg you by saying it's not me it's you, you probably snore lolz lolz lolz it's only bantz!" Then a facepalm then...yeah it doesn't bode well.

I think you do need to have a good F2F conversation about what you both want, and the future. If he ducks it then...not good. 5 months is plenty of time and you're not rushing, I don't think you should have to dance on a string at arm's length for longer than that. I agree that staying the night usually comes well before shared playdates for the children and sharing the parental load on days out in the natural progression of things and this is a normal expectation to have.

This!

You don't have to fix this OP. It's for him to address and fix. If you're the one who goes ahead to try and squeeze the reason out from him, this sets the tone for the rest of the relationship, i.e you will be doing all the emotional labour. Every time!

The face palm is just so disrespectful and immature. LTB

It seems very convoluted …ask him face to face when you see him…it is odd and the face palm would annoy me.

The excuse about your mum is lame and wouldn’t fly with me that’s nonsense.

Find out what the real reason is …you’d expect him to jump at the chance but no…

Totally agree with @ShouldIEvenBother , don’t insist a face-to-face talk, don’t try and open speech “get to the bottom of it“, don’t imply that he needs to sort it out… Just completely leave it and go off and do something you enjoy without giving him a second thought. It’s the only way! Maybe he will realise and contact you to explain further, apologise and ask YOU for a face-to-face talk… Maybe he won’t, and then you have your answer.

Is he a snoring farter?