Late stage - work boundaries

[lemondropsandallsorts]

Firstly, I get my work done. I have always gone above and beyond to ensure I was a good little worker bee. I have been at the job 8 years now, have a great office culture and no red flags at all. My coworkers are all great.

Two weeks ago, I was setting up a conference room and had moved the partition to separate it into one large room and one small room. My direct boss and her peer walked into the big room, not realising I was in the little room, and were chitchatting about the teams.

I was just about to announce myself when my direct boss mentioned that she was not going to offer me the promotion I had gone for. She immediately fired back to the shocked response of her peer to say that I was brilliant in my role, indispensable and deserved the promotion, but frankly, as the absolute workhorse of the team, she needed me to stay where I was.

Her peer mentioned that it didn't seem very fair, and my direct boss said something along the lines of (I was reeling at this point and my recollection gets a bit fuzzy) being a manager, you have to look at the bigger picture and the bigger picture was I served her and the overall team better staying where I was.

At that point people started trailing into their room for a meeting so the conversation stopped. The whole thing happened in the matter of seconds. I felt like I had been punched. (luckily, I was on leave for a while after, but I was emailed later to say I had not got the job. I had been so close, but hadn't done quite enough at the interview. But I was a shoe in for the next round of promotions in about a year, or maybe two - if I kept up the good work)

Every fibre of my being wanted to act rashly, hand in my notice and flounce or rant back to the email - but I have just finished a work-based qualification (in preparation for the promotion) and I will have to pay the cost back if I leave within a set period of time. Also, I have bills to pay.

So, to the point of this post.

I NEED to become less available for about a year (after that I don't need to pay the training bill and my house buying process will all be done to a change won't mess up my mortgage offer). My work only does tombstone references - so I am not worried about a sudden lack of enthusiasm showing up on references if I end up going external.

So ladies, give you tips for just doing the job you are paid for - but not a single damn thing above and bejond because I need to sit this out for a year and the only way I can cope is by planning how to unmake myself indispensable.

I've always found it useful to say helpfully, 'Absolutely. I'm super happy to do that. What would you like me to drop instead?' to managers.

To basically point out that you can't simply add extra things onto my (already busy) workload.

Hold your nerve, op!

Having just read the start of the thread, can I just say that this:
my direct boss said something along the lines of (I was reeling at this point and my recollection gets a bit fuzzy) being a manager, you have to look at the bigger picture and the bigger picture was I served her and the overall team better staying where I was
....is the biggest crock of shit I have ever heard! The 'bigger picture' is that if you deliberately prevent someone from progressing internally then they will look for opportunities elsewhere and will be lost to the organisation altogether. I've seen it happen so many times, usually with managers who were not confident enough to allow others to flourish - and your subsequent posts about the amount of additional work that you were doing for her, have confirmed that she is one of those.

OP the situation stinks. I agree that telling her explicitly that you overheard the conversation would only create complications at this point.

But I think I'd be pissed off enough to write the conversation down from memory and email it to her and HR whenever you're leaving for something bigger and better. So as to make it absolutely clear to her, and the HR department, that she lost the company an excellent employee, and herself the support she wanted to keep, by holding you back unfairly.

In the meantime, the main thing is that you have to protect yourself, as in not losing too much mental energy on all this. I'm not sure how you do this. Withdraw, but not too conspicuously, muddle through, grey rock boss's needs?

If your organisation is large enough to have an independent HR function you should approach them. Report the matter and ask they seek verification without betraying your confidence by asking comments from that other witness.

You should point out that you consider this to be a form of gender based discrimination and the punitive damages and negative publicity for recruitment could be extremely damaging. You should also produce a piece of paper that is notes of what you heard immediately after you heard it and argue it was so traumatising you didn't know what to do. Which it was.

Your options after that are:

1/ If you want to stay, ask for a re-run of the interview supervised by HR with training for your manager

2/ If you want to leave, take normal notice plus three months redundancy pay (tax free) and an agreed glowing reference.

3/ Ask for HR training for all recruiters and for an independent person in all interviews, There normally should be.

ACAS can offer free advice,

This is absolutely the worst kind of behaviour

Do not become crap at your job though, That's the worst thing you can do,. Be as brilliant as ever but go to HR, and get it sorted properly. This is what workers rights are for,

Keep a careful note of all the extra load of tasks that you are being asked to do.

Ask specifically for which tasks are being moved on as your work load is being increased.

All by email.
Document everything.
Do it slowly.
Nothing on speed.
Take your time.
Leaving on the dot.

Do you have holidays to take?
Plan on a holiday at the worst possible time.
And definitely contact ACAS for advice.

You have max 12 months to do before you hopefully find another job an fully attribute your exit to her discrimination against you whilst constantly trying to dump HER work load on you.

Have a stack of emails to back this up.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

OP did you speak to anyone specialising in employment law at all? Are you in a union?

You have evidence that she blocked a promotion and a witness in that other manager. A manager who actually said it sounded unfair to her face. She never mentioned that the other candidate pipped you. She was obviously going to put some other crap in the email to you but that doesn’t make it true. And on the basis of what you overheard, it wasn’t true.

Now she’s wanting extra work from you outside your role.

I do think there are some arguments for constructive dismissal. You can’t move up. She’s trapped you. Openly told another manager she won’t promote you. Now she’s over-burdening you.

Changing job if it’s another FT permanent role should not affect your house purchase. Have you asked your mortgage advisor about this?

I think if you get another job and then go along to HR and explain why you felt compelled to leave you might find you don’t have to pay back the training fees.

Good luck managing her in the meantime.

Excellent point regarding the training fees.
I think investigating the grievance process would be interesting too.
You certainly have grounds.
She has deliberately lied to you and admitted damaging your career.

Definitely see what ACAS have to say.

Ooh my blood is boiling on your behalf! I'm not a HR specialist but I'd be inclined to do what a PP said and ask what is being descoped to account for these "borderline" cases she's now sending your way. Use the fact you're prioritising more of a work/life balance this year as a justification for why you don't have the time to do all the nice to haves on top of core duties so which is the priority?

So all the people asking why I didn't go to HR/Acas/Legal - I ran it past a HR mate and they concurred:

It's an overheard conversation - so context can be understood to be misconstrued, people rarely understand the full nature of a discussion if they are only privy to part of it.

Because I know her well, the manager will fully admit to saying all those things, but she will reiterate that the other candidate did better on the day, and that can be established, in writing, in the email that was sent when I didn't get the job.

I am also sure she will also agree that she said I was indispensable and that I should have been promoted (in an ideal world) - so what she said in the overheard conversation absolutely stands.

She will apologise that it was not a great way to present it, but stress it was a valid comment about how she sees me as a valuable member of the team, but was heard out of context without her comments about how the other candidate did.

She will argue what she said in the room and that the other candidate was better can both be correct and valid, but he just did better on the day, which ultimately is how interviews work.

After all that, I will then have a HR record of a grievance, and my manager will realise there is a reason for my backing away.

It will become a nasty nasty bun fight.

At the moment, I'm doing my job, to the letter. So she can't bring up any issues because she doesn't even know there is a issue! ...... but should she learn that I am decommissioning the 'promotion' version of me for the 'work my wage' version, there will be a war of wills.

Ok OP, very valid and you rightly know the characters you are dealing with.

I think all you can do is keep repeating work life balance.
Do as much correspondence by email.
When asked for extra work ask what work you will leave, pass to others, as your workload has been changed.
Ask for a new updated list of responsibilities as you keep having extra work being given to you which is severely impacting your efforts to have a healthy work life balance.

Continue to look to move internally.

Dont answer questions that you don't want to if she becomes unpleasant.
Keep saying work life balance.
Carefully record her responses.

She cannot force you to work hours that you are not willing to work.

You can contact HR if you feel you need guidance on how to get across to your boss that you have a private life and wish to not constantly be imposed upon during it or constantly requesting extra work outside your job description.

You are entitled to a bit of peace in your job and not to feel harrassed by her ever moving increasing demands that cause stress and encroach on your private life.

Please let us know how you get on.

I was expecting a blow up yesterday afternoon (esp as the dude tried to have me pick up the on call phone and I just said no, no context no half truth about classes, just a straight you 'no thank you - that doesn't work for me tonight')

However realised I have a meeting for a 121 on Friday. So I expect that there will be a conversation about how she is 'disappointed'

’working to rule’ without seniors hearing your side of things will likely damage how people at work perceive you.

@Loopytiles - I would prefer they see me as a 'adequate' performer rather than abuse my nature and steal my time for their own personal gain.

Hold your nerve OP. You are totally correct in what you are doing. Look at the positives - you can enjoy a better work life balance by not going over and above.

Good luck at the 121. Perhaps it would help to say you’re struggling with burnout after working extra hard last year (and so you’re taking a hard look at your work life balance). Pushing people to work towards burnout should be a red flag to HR. Take notes and make sure you email your version of the notes to her afterwards including the word burnout.

This.
Also exactly what compensation do you receive to be on call?

If it is unpaid, it is outrageous and you can claim to feel pressured/ bullied by these requests.

You are trying to adjust your work life balance after a year of constantly having a huge extra workload and for your health you are trying to rebalance.

Your boss plus the dude clearly see you as an awful mug and are bullying you.

Keep careful notes and email minutes of the 121 to her just "clarify what was said, asked, agreed etc".

Take a copy of your job description to your 1-2-1 on Friday.

If your manager states she is “disappointed” ask her to point out the part of your paid job role that you are not fulfilling.

And confirm everything that was said after the meeting in an email.

So for example “Manager confirmed that I was achieving by every aspect of my job description, but said she was disappointed that I wasn’t volunteering my personal time to perform aspects of her/dudes job role, such as handle the on-call. I concurred that must be disappointing for her.”

Op 121s were I worked was just a tick box exercise for manager, never nothing got done even when there was situations that needed addressing,
Your 121 just be you because there's nothing about your job description your not doing ' your just working to rule' she doesn't know that tho, 😉 and of course of late you have more out of work activities going on don't you 😉,
Only thing that's changed is your ' working to rule' no more that's it's,
Stick to your guns, and smile,
Your got an end goal here op, well done you,

Well done on setting boundaries OP, I need to do more of it myself.

My advice would be to have some prepared lines ready for what you think she may say. Eg she is disappointed, don’t you want to be a candidate for future promotion etc. Write them out carefully, redraft as needed. Practice saying them in front of the mirror tonight so they come straight out in the meeting if needed.

This might sound a bit ridiculous but google power poses for confidence and go do one in the toilet before the meeting.

I don't get paid - it is not in my role to be on call.

When I was stepping up to show I was a great fit for the promotion, I was happy to take the phone. To be clear, it has NEVER been part of my role or tasks to be on call, it was always supposed to stay at my manager's (and dudes) grade. They have just got very comfortable with a me/dude/me/manager/me - split (why wouldn't they!)

To be clear, I don't think there is bullying here, just an expectation that I myself gave them. I think 'making a rod for your own back' is a great expression here.

I did work damn hard, I went the extra mile. I would be super proactive and be the first to take the initiative. So if you have a first class performer who legitimately made your life easier, who suddenly became very unavailable and withdrew, meaning suddenly your workload was impacted because all the helpful things they did meant your working day was smoother. You would push back too!

I'm just not going to revert to keep the peace.

Another 'borderline' case with additional attached tasks. I did the case and passed it back with a note confirming what I had done and highligting that the additional tasks needed to be passed to the relevant team member on xxx team as it was not my area of expertise and they should be able to assist. (All correct, but they take a dog's age to do the work and also despise each other, so she tries to work around him)

They have just got very comfortable with a me/dude/me/manager/me - split (why wouldn't they!)

Has that really been the split? So you have been doing twice as much as they have when it's not even your role?

No good deed goes unpunished, is the saying that comes to mind. You do extra and do people favours, and they come to expect it and take it for granted. Then if you pull back for any reason, however justified, they see you as denying them something they're entitled to. You're doing well though to stay calm and keep reminding them they're getting exactly what they pay for (while silently saying inside your head '...and no more')

I think you're taking the right approach. I don't think anything will come of saying you heard the convo. HR will likely make any issues disappear at your expense for fear of a big fallout.

You should be prepared in case your manager gets more direct in expecting you to do the additional tasks that aren't actually in your role. Perhaps something like the following could work:

"I've been reflecting a little after I didn't get the promotion, which I'm sure you'll understand was disappointing for me.

I've previously been spending a fair amount of time and energy going above and beyond, takingon tasks that are above my grade, as I thought this would be a solid basis for a promotion.

However, as I wasn't the best candidate, it's seems this wasn't necessarily the best approach.

My aim for the year ahead is to concentrate on doing the absolute best job I can within my assigned role/grade, and see what future development opportunities open up for me. I've got plenty of expertise I can build on within my existing role, so that needs to be my focus for now.

(p.s. so long fuckers)

OH my word I LOVE this.

Thank you!