Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

[KnackeredOldCatLady]

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD.

The other day, he said these words to me:
'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

To be honest, I prefer THIS version over mine! Send NovaF's one!

But do also add in about the disappointing sex and appendage.

Look up negging. Sounds like a classic example to me
Absolutely!
I will. It really knocked my confidence. He genuinely didn't think that he had said anything amiss and seemed to be surprised when I was upset*
So he has no emotional intelligence either?

When i hear about blokes like this i always think of lyrics to a particular song that sums losers up.

Surrounded by girls, you probably wanna catcall
But you won't get no love like that y'all
Back to the drawing board, back to the lab
And the phone never rings in your bachelor pad
But you the mack, so you treat em like they're all inferior
Can't no woman meet your criteria
She gotta be a freak and she gotta be a virgin
She gotta be ambitious, she gotta be earning
A cooker and a cleaner with a body that's perfect
She gotta feed your ego, and let you know you're worth it
But right before you meet though, you may wanna ask
Why would she ever date your sorry ass?

I would call that “strike 1”
and
Recommend you raise it carefully saying, I think you meant to complement me when you said X, but I find myself feeling sad that you thought I looked “old”.

Honestly though … he might be just saying out loud what instant thoughts he had in online dating. It’s a bit like window shopping.

saying one wrong thing, that he might not think is awful …. U need to talk before making a decision.

Tell him, you initially considered him quite ugly and were considering whether you could park his ugliness to get to know him. Now you are familiar with his face you don't consider him to be ugly, you now consider him passable.

Could it not just mean that having got to know you you seem younger than on the initial meeting. It's really hard to advise given we weren't there but if you don't feel like you want to carry on then don't waste time deliberating, just get rid.

Read all the OP's posts on this thread, @Jeeekers , he has said more than one thing. He's on, like, strike 5 already.

It's not one thing. It's at least 4 things in the space of 12 weeks!

This! Life is too short for wading through word salad with men.

Love this! Brilliant lyrics

He is rude. You met via OLD, so what did he expect? Of course no person looks young in their 50s, but to voice it? Only one explanation - he wanted to hurt you deliberately. Get rid.

god this would have triggered me majorly (i have a big issue with comments about my weight) so he'd have to go I'm afraid. How rude.

The thing that is confusing me is that otherwise, he has indeed always been kind and polite. And he has given every indication that he is keen - he is always eager to see me.
HOWEVER, a couple of other remarks:
On one occasion, he looked at my bare feet and said 'oh, I see you have a bunion'. True, but maybe a tad unnecessary to point it out.
On another, he told me that I had rosacea, which had me scurrying to the nearest mirror to check for red patches.

Come on @KnackeredOldCatLady , are you still not seeing it?
He has picked holes in your appearance in several different ways now.
Apart from that, he made you leave a party early to watch a film at home (weird and rather controlling) and sex with him isn’t good. This is never going to be a good relationship, is it? It’s early days, the time when they’re usually on their best behaviour to impress you. If you don’t think you’re worth more than this, I don’t know what to say.
Of course he’s always keen to see you. That doesn’t mean he loves you or likes you. He’s looking forward to sex and company, and the opportunity to entertain himself by saying unkind things about you and watching you respond.

Maybe just send him a text saying ‘this is not working, you are obese,look old and have alopecia. How you comment on anyone’s looks is beyond me. Tata’

😁

And he had seen my profile photos, so he already knew what I looked like (in fact, previous dates had said that I look better in real life - I really don't look good in photos!)

Yeah get rid of this utter utter prick. Who the fuck does he think he is?

I would not be able to move past this comment or indeed his other clangers! . My ex said something similar to me and it tainted things and knocked my confidence. It really doesn't sound like the rest of the relationship is that great. Also, this smacks of entitlement (he feels he deserves a much younger woman) and that is a huge turn off. You deserve better.

Don't get me wrong, it's a bang out of order thing to say, but it does kind of sound like he's made an absolute pig's ear of trying to pay you a complement.

You said he was all over you on the date so he obviously did find you attractive at the time, and it seems like he he was taken aback when you - quite rightly - called him on his shitty comments.

If everything has been fine otherwise and this is genuinely a one off, I'd be asking him how he intended to make up to me (while casually pointing out my favorite restaurant being open this weekend) and moving on.

Obviously if it keeps happening you give him the boot!

He sounds like an idiot. Do you ever worry about how he might behave in front of people?

He also sounds like he enjoys eye candy and the ego boost of being seen with a nice lady.

Is he very vain himself?

I ve also been told I looked older in real life than pics, I m 45. It turned me off the guy, he came across as entitled and uncouth. Bin.

I'd end it for this alone. Anybody beyond the age of 20 is too old for bad sex. If he's not learned his way about by that age he doesn't give a shit whether the woman he's with is enjoying herself. You're better than him and he knows it, get rid.

Incidentally, he doesn't know this, but the previous two guys that I dated before him were a LOT (10+ years) younger than me and they never commented on how old I looked - even though I must have looked ancient to them!

Tell him that the first time you had sex, you thought his cock was limp but now it’s the hardest cock you’ve ever ridden.

Absolutely brilliant!!

He's negging you, OP. My exH informed me on an early date how much he liked redheads, which I wasn't. He turned out to be very abusive.

What your date said was much worse. Surprised that you were upset, my arse. He just told you that he thinks you look really really old and that he's doing you a favour by deigning to go out with you.

I'd be off like a shot. I think early negging is a subtle sign of abuse to come.

Agree! Absolutely fantastic!

Hmmm, I was tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt at first, but your updates show that this is not a one off, and the mediocre sex would be a reason to end it without anything else. I agree with the poster earlier who said that clever comebacks or one liners rarely work in real life, unless spontaneous, so just a vaguely polite and distant message ending things might be best.