Page 8 | Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

KnackeredOldCatLady · 2025-03-03T09:32:06+00:00

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD. The other day, he said these words to me: 'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'. He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset. And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day). So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

rubberduck68 · 03/03/2025 11:55

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 11:04

And I've just remembered another one!

As previously mentioned, I'm slim now, but I used to be overweight. I lost three stone ten years ago and have managed to keep the weight off. I once mentioned this in passing to him and he said 'oh yes, I can see from your body that you have had a big weight loss'. Presumably the implication being that I'm saggy. Nice!

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That is horrible, I am so sorry that he said that to you. I said to my negging ex in a convo about gyms that I'd just never been bothered about having an athletic body, and he looked me up and down, smirked and said, "Obviously." I physically cringe when I think about that now. I should have kicked his fat arse out there and then. RUN.

Cattery · 03/03/2025 11:56

Cheeky fuck. Bin.

Maurepas · 03/03/2025 11:56

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 09:48

Thanks for this @LittleGreenDragons

I'm certainly not drop dead gorgeous by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm slim, look after my skin and make an effort to dress nicely.

He is overweight, balding and has a couple of health issues which are likely to have been brought on by poor diet/lack of exercise.

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Patronising, boring and moreover unattractive himself.

desperatedaysareover · 03/03/2025 11:59

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 10:19

The thing that is confusing me is that otherwise, he has indeed always been kind and polite. And he has given every indication that he is keen - he is always eager to see me.

HOWEVER, a couple of other remarks:
On one occasion, he looked at my bare feet and said 'oh, I see you have a bunion'. True, but maybe a tad unnecessary to point it out.
On another, he told me that I had rosacea, which had me scurrying to the nearest mirror to check for red patches.

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And I wonder how much he earns in his foot modelling career? ‘Oh you have a bunion’ can surely only be met with ‘and you’re a tubby little lad but you don’t hear me going on about it.’

I was willing to think the age thing might have been a bit of a brain fart, but since he didn’t apologise and since the update above, nah. He’s ill-mannered and looking for faults. They do seem to expect perfection despite being far from Adonis. I’d be totally turned off.

Doggymummar · 03/03/2025 12:01

I think I get what he means, he just means you look better in person. On my first date with my partner ( 11 years now) he said you're not very photogenic are you? I was really upset and said what do you mean.? He said you look much better than on your profile pictures. Just a clumsy comment.

Original poster

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 12:01

mildlydispeptic · 03/03/2025 11:10

Sounds like basic insensitivity and low key misogyny rather than anything premeditated. You could just give as good as you get and say "you're no oil painting yourself, mate" and see if he treads a bit more carefully. Does he compliment you or tell you when you're looking good?

(But obviously if he's giving you the ick there's nothing wrong with dumping him.)

I have had a total of ONE compliment from him. It was when he picked me up to go to a party and I had made a special effort with my appearance. He said 'wow, you look hot', but weirdly I felt mildly insulted as it made me feel that he doesn't normally find me hot (if that makes sense).

And incidentally, he insisted on leaving the party at 10pm, so that we would have the time to watch a film at home before bedtime!

OP posts:

Lavendersquare · 03/03/2025 12:01

@KnackeredOldCatLady you mentioned that sex is only mediocre and he is 'not overly well endowed in the manly department'. To me this is a big issue since as he ages his performance will probably decline and if he's not got much to start with you could end up having a pretty miserable time.

The above coupled with his clearly crass comments about your first date would have me running like the wind. You can do, and deserve better.

VictoriaEra · 03/03/2025 12:01

SuddenFrisson · 03/03/2025 10:32

He sounds as if he has all the social awareness, sensitivity and capacity for empathy of a shoebox.

I mean, how would he feel if you periodically exclaimed ‘Oh, you’re balding’ or said that when you first saw him, you’d thought you couldn’t sit through a date with someone so tubby?

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Yes. This would be a perfect response.

Hdjdb42 · 03/03/2025 12:01

Thing is even though he isn't doing it maliciously, it's in his character to highlight your imperfections. So if you do stay together, he is always going to upset you. My husband is like this too, he says what he thinks. I'm used to it but it did upset me alot when I was younger. Do you want to spend the next 10 years with a man, quick to point out you look tired and have put weight on? There lies your answer.

AgathaX · 03/03/2025 12:05

I'm sure you can find someone better that this strange little man.

McLarenette · 03/03/2025 12:05

I guess one thing I’d be asking is how this guy is going to behave one day when you actively one day need moral support. Is he going to say something that helps you deal with it, reframe it or even just offer heartfelt sympathy OR is he going to do none of that and say something wildly careless and/or insensitive.

It’s the second one, isn’t it.

Original poster

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 12:08

McLarenette · 03/03/2025 12:05

I guess one thing I’d be asking is how this guy is going to behave one day when you actively one day need moral support. Is he going to say something that helps you deal with it, reframe it or even just offer heartfelt sympathy OR is he going to do none of that and say something wildly careless and/or insensitive.

It’s the second one, isn’t it.

Very good point!

OP posts:

EnjoythemoneyJane · 03/03/2025 12:08

“When I first saw you I thought you I thought you were quite attractive and you seemed kind. But your continual disparaging remarks about my appearance have made me realise you’re much less attractive than I thought and not very kind at all.

I was prepared to overlook the paunch and the baldness, but the mediocre and unsatisfying sex is quite a big problem for me, so I think it’s best we call it a day. Good luck!”

rubberduck68 · 03/03/2025 12:08

TheAmusedQuail · 03/03/2025 11:47

My ex said to me (early on), 'You could get those varicose veins fixed you know.' I replied, 'You could get a nose job and a facelift, but here we are.'

Guess who was offended?

That is SO good... I went down the rabbit hole thinking of retrospective replies, wish I'd said to the "you could get a two-for one-face lift and breast job", with "Yeah! We could get a couple's deal", because he had bigger breasts than me!!

Themaths · 03/03/2025 12:09

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 12:01

I have had a total of ONE compliment from him. It was when he picked me up to go to a party and I had made a special effort with my appearance. He said 'wow, you look hot', but weirdly I felt mildly insulted as it made me feel that he doesn't normally find me hot (if that makes sense).

And incidentally, he insisted on leaving the party at 10pm, so that we would have the time to watch a film at home before bedtime!

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He wanted you to leave a party to go home and watch a film before bed?! Does he have his own home OP? Or do you spend most time at yours?

ItGhoul · 03/03/2025 12:12

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 10:19

The thing that is confusing me is that otherwise, he has indeed always been kind and polite. And he has given every indication that he is keen - he is always eager to see me.

HOWEVER, a couple of other remarks:
On one occasion, he looked at my bare feet and said 'oh, I see you have a bunion'. True, but maybe a tad unnecessary to point it out.
On another, he told me that I had rosacea, which had me scurrying to the nearest mirror to check for red patches.

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Oh, he's just a cunt. Get rid.

Original poster

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 12:16

Themaths · 03/03/2025 12:09

He wanted you to leave a party to go home and watch a film before bed?! Does he have his own home OP? Or do you spend most time at yours?

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We have our own homes and do roughly 50:50 at each

OP posts:

rubberduck68 · 03/03/2025 12:17

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 12:01

I have had a total of ONE compliment from him. It was when he picked me up to go to a party and I had made a special effort with my appearance. He said 'wow, you look hot', but weirdly I felt mildly insulted as it made me feel that he doesn't normally find me hot (if that makes sense).

And incidentally, he insisted on leaving the party at 10pm, so that we would have the time to watch a film at home before bedtime!

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"Hot?" What is he, fifteen? That is not a compliment, that's kind of objectifying. If that sat within your usual banter of flirt language; fine, but as a one-off isolated compliment. No. He sounds like an idiot.

Notsuchafattynow · 03/03/2025 12:17

TinyMouseTheatre · 03/03/2025 09:57

He is overweight, balding and has a couple of health issues which are likely to have been brought on by poor diet/lack of exercise

You can do so much better

Agree. That description alone would make me run for the hills.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 03/03/2025 12:18

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 11:04

And I've just remembered another one!

As previously mentioned, I'm slim now, but I used to be overweight. I lost three stone ten years ago and have managed to keep the weight off. I once mentioned this in passing to him and he said 'oh yes, I can see from your body that you have had a big weight loss'. Presumably the implication being that I'm saggy. Nice!

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See, the correct words here are, "Well done you. I wish I could lose a few pounds. You've done well. Losing weight is really hard."

CoffeeBeansGalore · 03/03/2025 12:20

EnjoythemoneyJane · 03/03/2025 12:08

“When I first saw you I thought you I thought you were quite attractive and you seemed kind. But your continual disparaging remarks about my appearance have made me realise you’re much less attractive than I thought and not very kind at all.

I was prepared to overlook the paunch and the baldness, but the mediocre and unsatisfying sex is quite a big problem for me, so I think it’s best we call it a day. Good luck!”

Ignore my previous suggestion & text him this one ^.
@EnjoythemoneyJane that's perfect!

ScarlettFoxlett · 03/03/2025 12:20

On the first date with my fella I thought he had a massive head but I’ve got used to it now. 🤣
I told him this too. We have this kind of very open and honest relationship and we don’t take anything personally. Just thought I would share another perspective.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 03/03/2025 12:21

How you haven't dumped him yet I don't know

WillIEverBeOk · 03/03/2025 12:21

I've read all your posts on this thread OP and I can honestly say that if ever there was any time that being 'petty' in return and denting his ego is warranted? This is it!

I would reply to him back and say,
'sorry but I really prefer a man that isn't overweight. I also found the sex disappointing and perhaps your lack of size didn't help. Best wishes for you in the future.'

Then block him on everything.

I was going to mention balding too, but thought that you might think that might be a bit mean as he can't really help that, although I would still add it in myself.

NovaF · 03/03/2025 12:23

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 10:19

The thing that is confusing me is that otherwise, he has indeed always been kind and polite. And he has given every indication that he is keen - he is always eager to see me.

HOWEVER, a couple of other remarks:
On one occasion, he looked at my bare feet and said 'oh, I see you have a bunion'. True, but maybe a tad unnecessary to point it out.
On another, he told me that I had rosacea, which had me scurrying to the nearest mirror to check for red patches.

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Maybe just send him a text saying ‘this is not working, you are obese,look old and have alopecia. How you comment on anyone’s looks is beyond me. Tata’

then block! Bye bish!