Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

[KnackeredOldCatLady]

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD.

The other day, he said these words to me:
'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

He’s fat/ balding and is aware that he is punching with you. He wants to keep you in your place so that he can control you
I would have said to him, ‘ I thought that you were fat, but you are not as fat as I thought ‘
I am petty like that
Seriously Op, do yourself a favour and get rid of this idiot

As he appreciates honesty, I'd explain that you're ending the relationship as he is too fat and his penis is too small

I think he's negging as he has sussed that you have low confidence

Give him something to think about

Once upon a time, you'd meet someone for a first date, and you'd be on your best behaviour. If you were potentially interested in them, you'd want to make a good impression, find nice things to say to help them feel comfortable with you - and hopefully they'd think you were nice and be potentially interested in you as well.

This bloke seems to have forgotten this - and at his age he's certainly old enough to remember dating 'norms' pre-Tinder et al. When you dump him I'd be tempted to remind him of that.

Yes, quite a lot. Even if we have only parted company the previous day.

Guess he must have a fetish for bunions.

I had one use the "sex and the city" dating rules on me on date number three; he actually referenced, "the three date rule, you know like Sex & the City", which is basically how you shag on date three. He was shovelling cheese & onion crisps into his fat gob in a sticky-floored pub when he said this to me. Nah.

Uuurgh - how revolting!

Honestly, you can do better than this. Please don’t give him the benefit of the doubt, the foundations of any relationship you might have are awful.

Oh to have the self confidence and sense of entitlement of a middle aged white man. The worlds most deluded group in society

It's only been 12 weeks! Don't put up with this please. Your self esteem will be on the floor this time next year if you stay with him.

Not that I want to be 'that' poster, and I know not all are the same but could he be autistic? I only mention this because my rude date told me he was autistic. I didn't mind until the critical comments started up and then just got more and more insulting and frequent. I did wonder how his ex coped with it all.

Negging followed by love-bombing, huh? What a cliche this man is.

Why is it the older men get the more they seem to comment on women's appearance? I see it all the time where fat, blading potatoes over 50 are hitting on slim attractive women in their 40s/50s. I've been hit on a few times recently (I'm in my 30s and married to a younger man) by men who I wouldn't look twice at, but they were confident as anything assuming I would reciprocate! One had a giant beer belly. This doesn't come from men in their 20s/30s...

If he's pointing out your imperfections, I suggest you point out the fact he is overweight, unhealthy and bald and then dump?

There’s a reason he’s in his 50’s and single.

Tell him to take his honesty and shove it. You deserve so much better.

He’s manipulative, even if it’s subconscious - what he is trying to do is make you feel like other people think you look old but HE in all his wisdom can see how you look young. Ie you’ll have to stick with him as only he will love you. It’s nothing to do with how you look and just a manipulative trick - I’m sure more would come out if you kept seeing him.

'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

Bit slow off the mark there should have replied "oddly enough I was thinking the same about you, and as you have just verified you do look old we may as well end it here".

My ex said to me (early on), 'You could get those varicose veins fixed you know.' I replied, 'You could get a nose job and a facelift, but here we are.'

Guess who was offended?

Brilliant! Wish I could have thought of that

What do you see in him? He sounds unattractive and insulting.

This - and it’s his issue and yes one to throw back

He’s negging. He knows he’s not that great himself, he knows he doesn’t have much to offer in the bedroom either. Hes otherwise very polite because otherwise you wouldn’t even consider staying, but bringing your confidence down by pointing out any flaws he can so you feel lucky to have him.

You’re not lucky to have him. You know in your heart you’d be settling if you stayed. There are plenty lovely men out there who will treat you like a Queen and build your confidence UP.

Brilliant.

Oh this maddens me! You are slim and well-dressed and he is overweight and balding but feels the need to make a big deal of you being a few years’ older.

Obviously it’s fine for men to be overweight and balding- but they need some self-awareness before they take it upon themselves to criticise .

And the weight-loss comment is even worse.

All I can say, OP, is I hope he’s got money! 🤪

Ghost and block.

That prick needs to be thrown back in the sea.

Exactly.
@KnackeredOldCatLady He absolutely did not mean it as a compliment. He’s playing games with you. He wasn’t “genuinely surprised” that you were upset. He was trying to make you the one in the wrong, for being upset, instead of him being wrong for saying something so crass.
If you were to keep seeing him, he’d escalate this, throwing backhanded compliments and veiled insults your way and then acting all innocent, so that you doubt your own reaction. Dump the loser now and be on the alert for negging next time you start seeing someone regularly.

To be fair, he's tall and good looking, despite the overweight and lack of hair, and is very good company.

But I'm coming to the realisation that the negatives outweigh the positives