Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

[KnackeredOldCatLady]

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD.

The other day, he said these words to me:
'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

Don't make excuses for them.

Yep middle aged men, other women around their own age / demographic even when they look rough as, in their heads they are 25.

There was a survey done of men from teens to well into their 80/90s and the only time men preferred a woman their own age was in their 20s, the preference for all aged men was a woman in her 20s (attractiveness / beauty wise) it makes me assume most men are just settling.

Deluded fools.

So in 3 months you've been told you look fucking old in photos, had your bunions pointed out to you, been told you've got a red veiny face and a belly of sagging skin.

@Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast Not old in photos, but old in real life, which I think is worse!!!!

That thing you're doing where you're weighing up the good against the bad? These guys are masters at this. They never do any one thing big enough to make you leave. They give you just enough of their good side to outweigh the shit even when you add it all together. Until one day you realise that without you noticing, you're a shadow of yourself. And simply wouldn't leave because you firmly believe you couldn't do any better.

I was all for giving him the benefit of the doubt until I saw this. He has form for it and will keep doing it. Have you ever pointed it out to him and told him how rude and unpleasant these 'observations' are?

OP, seriously take a long hard look at your self-esteem because you are still in contact with someone who has repeatedly insulted you to your face.

If you had a drop of self worth, you would have the total ick.

There are NO goood points to a man who feels so comfortable insulting a woman to her face.

I feel really sorry for you that you seem to think this is all you deserve.

He's a nasty vile insecure creep, that isn't great in bed.

Jesus but really need to think about what you want in your one life.

Singledom anyday is better than a loser like this IMO.

No oil painting? He sounds like he's not even a paint- by- numbers!

(I heard that comment years ago, been dying to use it!

Before you give him his marching orders, and I hope you do, mention that when you first met, you thought he looked younger than you, but the more you have got to know him, you see the telltale signs of wear and tear, and sadly, you now think he looks far older than his years.

If nothing else, it'll give him an inferior complex about his own looks, which he has obviously tried to give you.

You’ve known him for 3 months so how do you feel about him? Do you think you know him pretty well?
It could be a case of him stumbling over his words and trying (and failing) to pay a compliment. My husband told me in the beginning that I “wasn’t fat and wasn’t skinny”… ummm? He said he was nervous and it came out wrong. I knew he fancied me so it didn’t bother me too much. Maybe this guy is the same?

He sounds like great company to you! Who wouldn’t want more of that? 😳

It doesn’t sound like negging to me, judging by the rest of your comments.

I think he genuinely thought he was paying you a compliment but also subconsciously he was pointing out how grateful he thinks you should be for his companionship. “You’re not actually up to my level but I was willing to give you a chance and as it turns out, I can overlook your haggard* face. I don’t even notice it now.”

(*I’m sure you look lovely btw. Men just seem to be disgusted by women who have the audacity to vaguely look their age…)

The other comments just sound like a man who doesn’t see why it’s important to consider his partner’s feelings. I guess the question is whether he’s equally as blunt and unfiltered around other people? And if he is, then you need to consider whether you’re comfortable with that kind of person. No right answer, no wrong answer - it’s up to you. Of course, if he manages not to blurt out stuff to other people then you know that he can help himself, just doesn’t see why he should bother with you…and that’s a whole different matter.

As an aside, in answer to a PP, you can’t be “slightly on the spectrum”. It’s an insulting phrase. Sincerely, an autistic woman.

I'm genuinely at the stage of life where I don't accept men making me feel insecure, unsure, bad etc. If they do that, or TRY to do that, they're gone.

Anyone who has done OLD will tell you it doesn’t matter whether you’re 20 or 65, you’ll get bombarded by men 15/20/25 years older who seem to have magic mirrors and feel entitled to a younger more attractive woman.

They live in cloud cuckoo land

It just gets worse. He negs you, points out your flaws and never the good points, is bad in bed, and the only time he says you're hot he wants to leave a party to watch a film? (And not to shag his hot girlfriend?).

FFS, why are you still there? You know the cats are better company, you have nothing to lose.

BTW, next time a man makes a comment like "you have a bunion", respond with "you're bald", deadpan, like it's the most normal conversation to have. Act surprised if he complains.

That was a very good use of it! 😆

BRAVO

@KnackeredOldCatLady After those comments from him, if it were me, the ick factor would overwhelm me, and I would not be able to get past it.

I think you know that you deserve better. One instance can be "tongue-tripping" and forgivable, but then, it's just trying to make you feel less self-confident.

Please can I beg you to tell him about his wonderful looks before you break up with him. This may not be your style of communication. But this will be a kind of social service. I would love for these kind of creatures to have a mirror put before them, so next time they think before they put another victim partner down.

Dear x, I am underwhelmed with your charms and will not be taking this further. Regards.
And block.

He's negging to bring you down a peg or two so you don't leave him, but infact it would drive most to leave..

I will. Problem is that men don't listen to anything that they don't want to hear. And if it comes from a woman, then she is automatically labelled 'mad'. And then becomes the official psycho ex.

It’s true. We can come out with as many witty comebacks as possible and it goes over their deluded little heads.
We are labelled as a crazy ex and an anecdote about dodging a bullet to the next poor victim.

So he decided you should leave a party (first time he meets your friends as well) at 10 pm to watch a film at home instead. Who does that in the beginning of a relationship? Oh, right, Humpty Dumpty does.

He is either so adept at negging that he barely notices any more, and thinks it is normal to dress an insult up in a compliment, or he just has foot-in-mouth disease and can't see what's wrong with what he said even when it is spelled out to him in words of one syllable.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him.

I kind of know what he means although he shouldn't have said it. I'm 55 and dating someone my own age. Sometimes I look at him and see an old man and think why am I dating an old man? Then I see him and he is lovely so I can look past the grey hair etc. But we all feel 17 in our heads so it does feel a bit weird to me to be dating an old guy 😆

And the next poor victim will feel sorry for him for everything that the psycho ex so cruelly put him through. Until she becomes the next psycho ex. And on it goes ......