Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

[KnackeredOldCatLady]

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD.

The other day, he said these words to me:
'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

I would take this as an early warning and exit swiftly. You deserve better than this one x

Stick with the cats. They might beg but they never neg.

(I know it's probably more insensitivity than actual negging, but still.)

He hasn't always been kind and polite otherwise, he currently has five strikes of this behaviour. I think these comments are not "knee-jerk", they are thoughtful and founded on the theory that abusive men start small and if left untended it often snowballs into something much nastier, which I have experienced and do not want the OP to go through.

I'm autistic and that is jumping out to me, too.

I know people on MN think autism is thrown around to defend any sort of bad behaviour but, while his comments were rude, they sound more cack-handed than malicious. The bunion comment was him just stating a fact (without considering that he should maybe keep it inside his head).

The description of him being baffled and staring blankly while OP explained why she was offended sounds like he could be autistic - or very lacking in social awareness, at least.

Bleugh.....

Love this (my cat is currently begging pathetically for yet another Lick-e-Lix, having already had three today .....)!

Even if he is autistic, he's in his 50s, so clearly hasn't learned a thing over 5 decades of life.

So if OP would stay, he most likely would say something offensive again.

He's not worth the effort in my view, especially given the mediocre sex.

Yes, that has been my experience too. A friend of mine refers to my negging, abusive ex as "the gargoyle" (this is in solidarity of her thinking I am lovely and he is not). Go and find a secure one. I know that means more time at the bus stop, but the ride will be much more fun!

No second chances, get rid of the weirdo.

So I was correct in my assumption that he was insulting you physically rather than age as he has now done it multiple times (even if my post was a little blunt about it, sorry for that).

He has picked fault with your age/face.
Your weight/body.
Your rocasea/face.
Your bunion/feet.

He is criticising you and lowering your self esteem to make him feel better about himself. That is an insidious form of emotional abuse where you are belittled and disrespected and made to feel silly for bringing it up, all while you start the slow decline into losing confidence and self worth. This is how it starts. You are on the pathway to being a boiled frog.

This is a huge red flag. Please don’t meet this man again.

So you sit there criticising someone who insults one person about their age then you do the same to anyone classed as middleaged. Pot calling the kettle black.

Im 59 - and seems everyone else on the thread managed to interpret what I meant just fine.

And he didn’t insult her age - try reading the thread properly

if they're so bad at using their words, how come we leave them in charge of most things?

they should never be involved in anything to do with diplomacy

A lot of this is resonating. My now ex h was quite smart but had zero emotional intelligence. Crap in bed, made me feel shit and like it was my fault when he had issues and never ever told me I was pretty. Not even on our wedding day. I've come to the conclusion he knew he was punching and didn't want me to have any confidence so I'd leave for someone better. He's now going out with someone who is older and looks just like him 🤣 and I'm shagging a really hot ex who can't get enough of me.

@KnackeredOldCatLady why you're only leaning towards dumping him is rather worrying. You should know you can do better. I'm only on page two so going to read the rest and hope to see he's history.

I don’t think we’ve ’left them in charge’ of anything, to be fair. I think we’ve spent hundreds of years trying to wrestle concessions from the patriarchy, and we’re not there yet. That doesn’t mean that we thought the patriarchy was doing a lovely job at running the world until a minute ago, though.

Oh I totally agree.

It sounds like he lacks the capacity (or even willingness) to learn when to STFU, and being with him would be like banging your head against a brick wall.

That’s ick inducing and you will forever re play that comment. Does he think he’s the better catch. Can you get over it? Only you have the answer to that but for me it would be goodbye.

This has made my day hahaha 🤣 😂

I know some people who don't really have a filter and can say things people find hurtful. But when they realise they have insulted/hurt someone's feelings they regret it, excuse themselves and you can see that they are sincere because they are really embarrassed. So for me @KnackeredOldCatLady the 🚩 is that he didn't care at all about you being insulted. He didn't even excuse himself. This is very telling about the kind of person he is: lack of respect and disregard for other people's feelings. No way that I would continue seeing someone like that.

Also, when you were leaving a party at 10 pm, was that a joint decision or him deciding for you? All this is during your "honeymoon" period where his behaviour is at it's best so I let you imagine what there is to come if you stay with him..

Typical bloke who thinks he's God's Gift.

So in 3 months you've been told you look fucking old in photos, had your bunions pointed out to you, been told you've got a red veiny face and a belly of sagging skin.

And this is during the 'sweep her off her feet' part of a relationship?

What's he going to do if he gets his feet under the table? Insist you walk round with a sack over your head and a bell round your neck to warn people you're coming?

You clearly haven't read all the OPs replies on this thread, @Pinkcountrybumpkin , he's made several other unkind comments about her body. It's a pattern for him.

Also, when you were leaving a party at 10 pm, was that a joint decision or him deciding for you? All this is during your "honeymoon" period where his behaviour is at it's best so I let you imagine what there is to come if you stay with him..

@arcticpandas It was his decision to leave the party. I was having a good time, but it was my friends and the first time that he had met them, so I thought that maybe he was feeling a bit overwhelmed. That said, on the surface, he comes across as confident, chatty and socially skilled, so he seemed comfortable with being there and talking to people.

Not just "anyone" – this "middle-aged" person has made five negative comments about his partner's looks.