Please please help me with this

[Gorgeousfeet]

Hi all.

my world feels like it’s been blown up this afternoon. My husband is working abroad . He accidentally called me on WhatsApp and I overheard him being incredibly flirty and quite pervy with another female. I think it was the cleaner in his room. It was for about five minutes and amongst other things I heard him tell her she had a lovely bum and could he feel it. Lots of random noises after that ( I am going not sex ) but maybe kissing afterwards.
He knows I know. He’s denying it.
Is there any way that I can retrieve the WhatsApp conversation on my phone? Does anyone know? Can anyone help me ? Please

I have so so much going on in my life right now and I can’t believe he’s done this.

Aah man this is hard . Really hard.
Two weeks he has been back and this is very difficult.
Thank you for all of your support.
I am struggling to cope with this situation massively. I haven’t gone ape shit, I haven’t left , I haven’t thrown him out because there has been so much going on and truth be told, I’m scared . And feeling very vulnerable and anxious about it all.
With the situation with my Dad and Son I put it on the back burner ( well, attempted to) but it keeps coming back and I can’t and don’t trust him. I refuse to let my mind go there because it will break my heart and my soul. Except I can’t and I re- read the WhatsApp messages afterwards that he sent me and it makes me feel sick. And I know what I heard on the phone.
please please help me . I feel pathetic.

The best support you’ll get is from people who know you. Have you got friends you can talk to? Are you planning on sharing with the mh team what has been happening?

You are not pathetic… it would be going around in my head too! It’s normal. Have you managed to talk to your mental health team .., I really think it would help.
or someone in real life who can actually give you a hog and some support in real life. You maybe down right now @Gorgeousfeet but you are not out. You hang in there for your son and dad and you are there for them. I hope they are both on the road to recovery. Be kind to yourself x

Can you take some small steps to get training and a part time job? Something to fit around family life? Though working from home would be a good option, I think it would be good for you to go outside of the home for work.

Hey OP, I hope you’re doing ok, has been a while since your last post. I hope you’ve had a chance to speak to someone supportive IRL

Op how are you?

Yes @Gorgeousfeet also wondering how you are and sending you love x

Hi all .
I am sorry that I never got back to you all sooner. I kind of stupidly buried my head in the sand for a while. I don’t really have the capacity to handle it or even think about it. My MH is very precarious and I have been so busy with my family and looking after my precious Dad.
My DH has, up until now, been okay. He’s not been shouty , aggressive or nasty. If anything, he’s been more kinder and nicer to me.
Until today. long story short, we have a family Amazon Alexa account and also he has an individual one. This morning, he had his Alexa on as he always does ( we’ve got loads of them scattered over the house) and this one is plugged in next to where he sleeps. He takes this one away with him when he works, he connects to music etc etc . I knew this already .
So .. I noticed this morning on the screen as it had flashed up that there was a shopping list with 16 items. D H was in the bathroom and I happened to ask Alexa what the 16 items were . 13 of them were for stuff we use regularly for shopping/ cooking and it was more ingredients than anything else to be honest, such as sliced ginger, chopped tomatoes etc
Anyway, going through the list, two items immediately made me feel faint : one was for pink handcuffs and the other was for dildos.
I also recognised that there was a sweaty betty jumper on there that seemed off and two other items that I can’t recognise.
I called out to my DH asking him about the handcuffs and dildo. He burst out laughing. Really laughing: said that someone from work had added them on there. I asked him to let me me know ( Alexa won’t tell me) who that was and which date ( on the list it says added over a month ago - that’s all the information I can get)
Anyway, he got all cross - shouting/ swearing at me, saying I’ve accused him of something when he hasn’t done anything. He got in the shower and left for work two hours earlier than he needed to.
Now I know he’ll “ punish “ me all day and won’t call, won’t answer the phone and leave me in a state of anxiety. He was very angry this morning- said he wound find out who had added them . I said if he was doing that , then he’d have no issue with showing me the date and who had added them.
I am not silly . It all makes sense but again I can only hide under the covers and close my eyes and ears to it right now. I need to get mentally stronger and better in order to deal with this as I just do not have the capacity for this because it is just incomprehensible to me.
A handhold would be so much appreciated.

@Gorgeousfeet

Just hear that out loud. A work colleague added a dildo to his personal Alexa account.

Do you hear how utterly ridiculous that is. A work colleague doesn't even have access to your private accounts and information. Let alone to add sex toys to a shopping list.

So he's been caught cheating when you heard him in the garage. You've heard him cheating on a WhatsApp call. And now whatever shag du jour he's been with has added sex toys to his shopping list.

Stop it. Stop doing it to yourself. This is why your MH is in the gutter. You live with this. Anyone would be fucking ill with this level of constant lying and manipulation. 24yrs?? It's abuse, you know that right?

First steps. Acceptance. This is your life, for the rest of your life, or you're going to save yourself and finish this cycle. He's going away for 4 months. The day he leaves is the day you are done with him, he just won't know it. You spend that 4 months making copies of every single piece of financial and legal information. Bank stuff. Statements. Pension. Mortgage. Assets. Everything. Check your benefit entitlements. See a solicitor. Don't be the little withered "rake" (what a prick he is for saying that) waiting for your next gaslighting. Get busy. Get angry. Get your life back. You've got 4 months to yourself to do it. Let him discover it when he returns with no idea in 4 months.

I’m not going to excuse his behaviour at all, he has acted disgustingly! However, our Alexa shopping list has stupid stuff added to it all the time by people who work with my dh, we even once had a ridiculous amount of sweets and other things delivered as he didn’t update his settings to approve it.

I know you’re not mentally ready to deal with it all so go at your own pace but at some point you need to put yourself first and realise this isn’t the life you want.

See that’s the thing he’s trying to tell me but it doesn’t make sense. He said the name of someone who he thinks did it and he hadn’t worked with this guy for about ten years. He said that they all mess about and his Alexa in his office when he’s at work.
Alarm bells are just ringing and his reaction this morning was off the charts - whereas I wound have expected him to have shown me immediately to provide reassurance and prove it was a mistake. As he says it was.

So I’ve text him to say I want to see the date it was added and by whom, if he has nothing to hide.
I feel totally sick with all this. How fucking stressful. In fact , that’s an understatement. I’m devastated but still pretending that it’s not happening.

Gently.

Part of the reason you have mental health issues is because you have a dreadful emotionally abusive jerk of a husband. I know you said up the thread that you can't talk to your MH team and I get that, I really do. You've also said you do not know who to tell, I do think they would be the best people to tell. Is there a counsellor you're seeing that you could show this thread to if you can't find the words to say it out loud? It really sounds like you need support from someone who's not online.

Thank you for the replies .
I really appreciate your support. I can’t sleep . I know what I need to do but wow, it’s so overwhelming and my self worth and confidence is on the floor . I mean like, REALLY on the floor. Has been for a long time but the lack of respect he is showing me is just on another level.
We had a big argument tonight . He called me a cunt ( again ) and of course I just kept quiet. Didn’t say how I felt , what I was thinking. Nothing. Just to keep the peace.
We never spoke all evening and I’m not sure I can cope with much more mentally. As I say he’s been mostly lovely to me since being back but this started over me mashing potatoes in a Teflon pan. He said something and I responded about the shopping list I had seen. He went nuts. And took himself off upstairs to bed.
So here we are and I really really need to dig deep right now and get some strength to deal with this .

Op have you had therapy? I was in a situation with an ex where I was completely confused due to gaslighting behaviours. Gaslighting sounds like what your dh is doing. It really helped clear my head. I left btw and life is calm now. It is scary when you’re married as it’s not easy particularly when/if someone is lying to you. But you sound stuck and maybe some help with your situation is what you need.

@Gorgeousfeet I'm really sorry for what you are going through, I've been following, sorry to see things are no better.

I think after the initial upheaval, your mental health will improve significantly once you have separated from this man. Imagine having no responsibility for him and his behaviour and what a weight lifted that will be.

Him going away for 4 months is a good opportunity to get things sorted out. Confide in your parents, they would want to know and help you in ways that they are able to.

I strongly suspect that your H plays a large part in the mental health struggles that you are going through.

I'm going to go against the grain her but I don't think you're in a position right now to leave OP. Clearly you need to eventually but for now I would simply withdraw emotionally from him. Stop having sex with him obviously and just start treating him like a work colleague. Be polite etc but nothing more. Devise a 2 year plan. Focus on improving your mental and physical health. Then get a job. See a solicitor. Work out the best way to approach divorce. Then leave. Right now you don't sound strong enough - but you will be. Good luck OP