Please please help me with this

[Gorgeousfeet]

Hi all.

my world feels like it’s been blown up this afternoon. My husband is working abroad . He accidentally called me on WhatsApp and I overheard him being incredibly flirty and quite pervy with another female. I think it was the cleaner in his room. It was for about five minutes and amongst other things I heard him tell her she had a lovely bum and could he feel it. Lots of random noises after that ( I am going not sex ) but maybe kissing afterwards.
He knows I know. He’s denying it.
Is there any way that I can retrieve the WhatsApp conversation on my phone? Does anyone know? Can anyone help me ? Please

I have so so much going on in my life right now and I can’t believe he’s done this.

@Gorgeousfeet You are a strong and capable woman. You are probably already holding the family life down single handedly whilst he works away. You’ve an unwell child and caring responsibilities with your parent too and yet you ARE doing it.
Find that inner strength and step up to it. You DONT need him, just his money- which you will be entitled to. And the home as main residence for your child. Tell him you don’t want to hear from him again until you’ve taken legal advice. Go see a lawyer on Monday or Tuesday and find out the lay of the land.
When is H due home? And when would he be due to go away again working? The trust is gone, the relationship is over. I am so sorry but you WILL get through this and you deserve so much more than him. Take the day an hour at a time, forget trying to listen to the call again- you don’t need it. You heard, you know. And regardless of it being sex or a fumble or whatever, it’s cheating and it’s disrespectful and it’s over.

I have reported this because I am not a troll. I have a whole reel of WhatsApp messages and I need support from people
on here. I am not making this up. Why on earth would I do that.

im
googling solicitors as we speak

You’re allowed to finish a relationship for any reason. Clearly you have lost trust in your husband. If he were innocent he would be speaking to you to try and reassure you, not make up ridiculous excuses.

If you don’t work, you may be entitled to universal credit when you separate. You could try entitledto.co.uk to work out benefits. He will also be responsible for providing for his children. A solicitor will advise you regarding your home/his finances.

This is awful for you but be grateful you got the call so you can refocus on your life knowing exactly what kind of person he is. Don’t doubt yourself. You’ll get through it. What a shit!

I’m not sure how I am going to hold it together today. I can’t stop crying and yes he was coming out with ridiculous excuses and said he never rang as I needed to calm down.
I’ve got to take my son’s urine sample in by 10am and then go to see my lovely Dad and all I want to do is curl up in a heap.
Our Son isn’t well and the Dr was worried about this- and that was yesterday morning. He knew that and that’s what I said to him.

I have a reel of messages and I can’t believe someone called me a troll because all I want is support .

Thank you to those of you who have been so kind x

If he's working away a lot and you heard this 'fumbling' then I'd put money on the fact that he's shagging not only the hotel woman but any woman that stands still long enough.

You get on with your life and dont let him back in to it.
Give your self time to think and process it.
But definitely move on.

See this is what I am struggling to get my head around because he always rings me. I thought we were okay. Admittedly, when my Dad was in hospital he could have been better but he was supportive to me. I can’t say he wasn’t .
The man that I heard yesterday did not sound anything like my husband. He was a pervert and when the fumbling stopped and it was silent I started screaming down the phone “ I heard you you fucking pervert “ repeatedly. But I couldn’t hear all of the end of it as I said because I had ran out of McDonalds into the noise of the street and I had to go through an underpass. What a twat I am. I wish I had stayed put and heard it all but I didn’t want to be sick in McDonald’s .

@Gorgeousfeet Stop calling yourself a twat or saying you should have done x or y. Stop that negative self talk now and find your inner cheerleader. You are now your best support, yes it’s tough but you’re going to give yourself these 5 mins to cry and then wash your face, look in that mirror and say “we are strong and capable and we have got this!” to yourself. And then go do your tasks, get yourself a treat (cuppa? Cake?) and plan a few nice wee things to do with your son or dad… be mindful- try not to drift beyond the here and now. Stay present in the moment with the people here. Tomorrow is tomorrow and beyond that is another day. Today- it’s one foot in front of the other. Find some happy moments, smell the fresh air and find your inner strength that i know is there!!!
You’ve have women all over the UK (and beyond) who have got your back and know you will be absolutely grand without this prick in your life. 🌷

Only you know how you feel about this.
Sort out your life first, you and your children are your priority then everyone else.
You know what you heard and how it made you feel. Remember this. Speak to solicitors find out what you need to do and then make a plan.
You don't have to argue with DH, you need time to sort everything out for you and what you want. Let it be for a while until you have worked out what you want.
Good luck with your DS, DF and your own health. You can do all this, it takes time and will be calm again.
Just sit with it and find out what YOU need and want.

You know you didn’t imagine it. Cheaters lie. He knows he’s messed up and been caught out. I wouldn’t communicates with him anymore. Just get it straight in your head and write it out, I expect he booked someone to come to his room.

Hi OP, I am so sorry you are going through this, and with so much on your plate right now too with your ill son and looking after your dad 💐

Please don’t be hard on yourself or blame yourself. It is clear where the fault lies so pls be kind to yourself.

I do hope your boy is ok, did they do the dip test? I’ve got 2 DC and is so stressful when stuff like this kicks off. Try to get him to drink as much water as poss, or dilute squash if he doesn’t like plain water

I am not superstitious, but maybe that call happened to give you a chance to see the truth (painful as it is 😢). As hard as it is, it’s better to know the truth now so you can decide what you want to do. In all honesty if it were me I’d start exit planning.

Also you sound like a wonderful, caring amazing mum and daughter. You didn’t deserve this and it is not your fault. I have been there with being thrown into sudden freefall and the world imploding when the truth came out. You will survive. Give yourself time to process the shock, to cry, to be angry (but don’t let it consume you), to grieve. As you no doubt have little space to process/ express this freely at home with DS, could you go somewhere quiet, by yourself for a bit like a little drive away, ie could someone babysit for a while to give you some space?

You are a strong beautiful person, you will get through this! Hour by hour, day by day 🌸 sending you a prayer for a bright and happy future with your lovely family and a healed heart ❤️‍🩹 x

You’re trying to process something shocking—take your time, but don’t doubt yourself. If you start questioning what you heard, it’ll be easier for him to twist the truth, making it harder for you to hold on to what you know is real.

Working abroad is tough on any marriage, and it sounds like this has been going on for a long time. On top of that, you’ve been handling so much on your own at home. With all that stress, prioritizing each other becomes even more difficult.

You don’t have to do anything right now or make any immediate decisions. When were you next due to see him in person? These conversations are incredibly hard over the phone, but if you feel you need to confront him now rather than wait, FaceTime might be best so you can at least see his face. Unfortunately, he’s had time to prepare a cover story, so you may never get the full truth—or maybe he will come clean.

Some people in this situation feel the need to dig deeper and look for more evidence. Others accept that what they’ve already heard is enough. There’s no right or wrong way—do what feels right for you.

Do you have real-life support, someone you can talk to about this?

Try not to panic about divorce just yet. Finding out where you stand legally will help you make more informed choices. You might decide to wait until you’re ready financially. Or you may choose to stay and try to work things out—but if you do, you’ll need total honesty and remorse from him, or it won’t work.

Put yourself first, and be kind to yourself. It will be okay. xx

Thank you so much for your lovely words and kindness.

I actually feel like I’m in a dream. A bad dream but it is reality .

I can’t ever trust him again. That’s a given .

And I deserve to know the truth. He owes me that.

My beautiful Dad I saw today . He was in ICU three weeks ago so seeing him at home meant everything and whilst he is still unwell, it means everything to see him. He is so very precious.

My lovely boy has got a very large amount of blood in his urine. So we had to do another sample today and I took that back as well. He has had intermittent tummy pain for a few weeks now so we will see how this goes.

Thank you all so much.

I am truly heartbroken he did this but maybe I was meant to find out . Who knows .

I won’t rant and rave - I will ask him what is going on . He’s changed his story / events multiple times so I will see . But will stay quiet and contact a solicitor for advice next week too.

Thank you all so much for being there xx

We’re here OP 💐

I had the weird dream sensation too, is quite disorienting. Felt spaced out/ nauseous in waves and couldn’t tell if it was real reality at times and time seemed to move strangely. I think it must be related to shock. For me it subsided after about a week or so but came back in waves from time to time. I wasn’t aware of this at the time, but have since learned about ‘grounding’ as a way to help with shock or trauma. Had I known about it I think it might have helped a bit. I found this website which has some useful techniques on grounding; https://www.healthline.com/health/grounding-techniques

You have done amazingly well today in looking after your lovely boy and seeing your lovely Dad. That is wonderful he is home from hospital! Does he have any other family helping to care for him, or is it just yourself? Well done on everything you’ve managed today, and make sure you make time for yourself now too.

I’m so sorry your son is suffering, that sounds really awful 😢 I hope they can diagnose soon and get him on effective treatment asap 🙏 I hope they are expediting the test results

@Gorgeousfeet, don’t beat yourself up for leaving McDonalds. What you heard was damning enough, so hearing the last portion isn’t crucial.

You now know that your H is unfaithful when he works away. At the least he flirts with women, complements their body parts, and asks to feel them. That is cheating in my book.

He’s been working abroad for months and you have managed everyone and everything alone. You have grit and fortitude! This sleazy man, however, is at it with randoms instead of cherishing, appreciating and honoring his wonderful Wife and children. Being honest and protecting his fidelity don’t rate with him.

@Gorgeousfeet, you will never trust or have peace of mind if you stay with this lying cheat. Don’t fall for any of his manipulative guff, but do consult with a solicitor and make an exit plan.

We want to help, so please keep posting for our support.

Thank you so much. That’s made me cry xx

I won’t ask him any questions- I will let him explain about it- What he’s done / what happened. Otherwise he’ll gaslight me and I will think I’m going crazy and I never heard any of it or that I am somehow overreacting.

For context, there is a history of EA. Not all the time but sometimes and also I have suspected he has cheated on me before . This I believed was emotional and not sexual - but he returned a few years back from another work trip glued to his phone, acting off and was distracted and then I caught him talking to what I believed was a female in the garage ( heard a female voice) As soon as I walked in, he put the phone down.

I strongly believe our gut instinct is there to protect us and like this occasion in McDonalds, mine was there very strongly. Well, Friday was way worse because I heard it with my own ears. My heart was thumping out of my chest and I genuinely felt my legs buckle beneath me. It was absolutely horrible.

I will keep quiet ( ironically he’s due to fly home today ) and I am going to wait for him to tell me and explain himself. He’s already dug himself a lot of holes from his WhatsApp messages and I will wait to see if he digs himself any deeper ones. I deserve to know the truth and that’s what I want. He owes me that even though I will never trust him again.

In terms of real life support, I am a massively private person. I will perhaps tell my Mum, but worry as she has so much on her plate with my Dad. It’s already a really hard time for her and she has been through so much as he has been so poorly and I don’t want her to worry even more. I do have a couple of friends but they live miles away and I am so distressed and also embarrassed that currently I am keeping it to myself.
I am determined to not let him ruin me . As heartbroken and as in shock that I am.
I can’t sweep it under the carpet though and I have no intention of doing that. After what I heard him say- no way.

How terrible that the man I thought was my best friend was not and that I don’t even know him. I am heartbroken.

Hmm. I’m a very widely-travelled man and can tell you much depends on the country!

Which country was it? And at a hotel, or a long-term rented house/apartment?

Very outing but in another continent.

What do you know in terms of what happens / where ?

Not that it matters where it was , I heard what I heard . And it’s really sinking in now and I feel quite unwell . 😓

And it was at a hotel

Bump. Is there anyone who can please talk to me . Feeling so anxious about all this and am
now beginning to question my own mind.

@Gorgeousfeet, have the courage of your convictions and do not question yourself! You know what you heard and you must not doubt that. He is cheating on you.

Do not gaslight yourself or allow him to.

You know what you heard. He hasn’t been able to give you a proper explanation and has changed his version multiple times. You are not an idiot. He knows you have MH issues but is still gaslighting you which will only hurt you but he cares about himself more than your health. Do you really think it was just unlucky on his part that the one time he acted like that he accidentally called you? Or is it more likely he acts like that whenever he is not with you? He gets to do whatever he wants when he is away. Disrespecting you and his family and then comes back and gets to pretend to be a family man.

I agree with what everyone has said. There is no rush to divorce until it benefits you. Don’t beg and plead for him to explain/ make it up to you. This is his mess and it’s up to him to make you feel secure and be able to trust him again. Couples therapy etc. If he doesn’t care to then you have your answer. Get your ducks in a row and take back control.