Please please help me with this

[Gorgeousfeet]

Hi all.

my world feels like it’s been blown up this afternoon. My husband is working abroad . He accidentally called me on WhatsApp and I overheard him being incredibly flirty and quite pervy with another female. I think it was the cleaner in his room. It was for about five minutes and amongst other things I heard him tell her she had a lovely bum and could he feel it. Lots of random noises after that ( I am going not sex ) but maybe kissing afterwards.
He knows I know. He’s denying it.
Is there any way that I can retrieve the WhatsApp conversation on my phone? Does anyone know? Can anyone help me ? Please

I have so so much going on in my life right now and I can’t believe he’s done this.

He's not gas lighting is he? Just lying. I don't see what you can do except leave.

I'd say it's more likely role play between him and OW. Sorry, OP.

Trust yourself and what you heard.

Thank you so much for your kind and very helpful advice.
It is such a weird feeling because it’s almost like we’re playing happy families and for the most part, he’s been okay. As if absolutely nothing has happened.
Then it hits me like a ton of bricks but my mind won’t let it go there. I think you’re right- I just don’t have the capacity to go there right now.
I need to trust my own instincts and gut though because I know what I heard.
He is away again next month.

I would say to him calmly that you have made your mind up, you don’t believe him and the relationship is over. But for now you have more important things to think about than him.

Separate your sleeping areas and remain civil but cold.

So sorry op, I just read your updates. Horrible how he says you look like a rake when you’ve been through so much with no support.
i agree with previous posters, you know what you heard and his behaviour with you proves it however you have too much going on at the moment to ask for divorce.
I do however think that it would be good for you to speak to someone you trust in real life. You sound like you are in the edge and I do not blame you one bit for feeling like this.
How long will your H be going away for this time? If you asked him to stay as your have hospital apps for your son and you said you needed practical help would he stay? Because this is a test of his commitment to you and his son and also if he stayed you would have a bit more help due to your dads situation?
Be kind to yourself and keep posting for support. Wishing you well and you will get through this time x

Thank you for your kind reply. It actually made me cry. I feel very vulnerable and very alone tonight . He’s gaslighting me a lot. I got angry and pissed off because I got stuck in traffic for almost three and a bit hours today, so arrived home hot, stressed and tired. I was grouchy and he immediately said he couldn’t take much more of my “ negativity , my anger, my aggression “ etc etc
Reality was that all I did was get out of the car really fucking pissed off and was a bit snappy.
I cried alone this morning. Then pulled it together . He's away soon again - four months this time on the trot.
I am barely holding it together and genuinely. Genuinely don’t know what to do.
I am under the MH team. I don't want to be labelled as it MH issues when it isn’t and equally I don’t want to tell them- I have not even spoken to them yet. I will not tell them any of this stuff.
Need to talk to someone I know. I trust . Do you think that’s okay ?
Can’t talk to my lovely Mum or my Dad. My real friends live the opposite end of the country, so I am not sure who to trust .
He is gaslighting me. He is ignoring me.
I am not a fool and no longer wish to be treated like one. It hurts like crazy but I genuinely do not have the mental capacity to deal with it that right now. Yesterday I felt really really depressed and down.
I know I need support with this because I am absolutely on the edge.

Hello Op I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I would not be drawn into an argument with him. He is going away soon so that will give you breathing space.

You definitely need support in real life, can you phone one of your close friends for this?

He is gaslighting you and I would also look up DARVO.

I would also tell your MH team, you are being emotionally abused. I'm sorry I don't have much to offer but can chat if you like?

Sending virtual hugs x

You absolutely need to tell your mh team what is really happening. Unless you’re sharing fully what is impacting your mental health there is very little chance they’ll be able to assist you in improving things. They can then help you find the right support, such as with a local domestic abuse charity, to help you navigate what’s happening.

I’m sorry, OP.

i also suspect your MH will improve when you leave him.

Right now you’re a candle in the wind. The second you take control you will start to feel better xxx

Hi OP, how are you doing today?

Thinking if you and sending virtual hugs.

Perhaps a MH helpline or the Samaritans could provide a lifeline for a supportive ear right now. They are a caring, non partial, non judgemental access point for people like yourself going through the wringer. It sounds like you really need to speak to someone IRL and get some support. Maybe there is a way you could speak to your MH team that you are having a hard time and your relationship is breaking down (but without having to go into all the upsetting details). I’m sure they will want to help you lovely. Same with your parents, you don’t have to disclose details just that things are difficult with DH and you are struggling. As much as we can we are here too 💐

It’s awful how he treated you yesterday, you came home stressed and he could have made you a cup of tea and a hug instead of all those nasty comments. I do feel you’ve been worn down partly by him and he isn’t good for your mental health at all.

I agree with the above, he does not sound like a loving supportive partner. 3 hours stuck in traffic sounds bloody awful, commiserations and a cuppa were in order

This. You think you will remember later but you wont, it’s the shock.
By the end of my marriage, I was recording significant conversations with my husband. Not to use them , just for my own sanity. He is an Olympic level gas lighter.

Thank you for all of your replies.
I feel sick to my stomach about this all to be honest and want to pretend it wasn’t really happening and that he was just only “ rubbing arses “ before they sorted out the pillows. ( his words )
I absolutely cannot tell my MH team. I’m a closed book at the best of time and would rather just get help with my anxiety and my own self confidence and self worth first . I barely speak to anyone these days . I’ve always been shy but in the past couple of years, have really retreated into my shell.
I want to not think this happened and believe him. I just can’t because I heard it . Even the tone in his voice was something I have never heard before and that makes me
feel so sad and sick at the same time. As someone upthread said , I don’t think that I have the mental capacity to handle this situation at the moment on top of everything else.

Not blowing my own trumpet by any stretch, but I have always been told I am nice looking etc Not so much now though but my heart now tells me that I am revolting to look at . I’ve lost weight anyway with the worry of my Dad ( I also had a major operation in late October and then I was re admitted back into hospital very poorly with sepsis )
I was very unwell and that aged me.
I’m late forties now, so no catch . Just a skinny person with a drawn face . And I feel like I can’t look at him; that he must find me so unattractive and ugly. It’s really really upsetting to feel this way. Even last night , I had a shower then came downstairs in my pjs with no make up and soaking wet hair. Before all of this, I would never have blinked an eyelid at it. Last night I hid. I covered my body with a blanket and put my hand over my face.
All because I don’t want him finding hom
looking at me and thinking I am even more ugly than he does already . Crying now .
Need to get up for the children but had to say that . Sorry 😔

@Gorgeousfeet you are not ugly. Did not want to read this and run. If you look at all the men that cheat out there, I doubt they are all ugly women ang snywsy what defines this? It’s not you. I did say thread you don’t have the mental capacity to deal with this right now but please don’t bottle this up, it will destroy you. You sound like the shadow of yourself, please please speak to someone. A friend, your MH team, Samaritans too. Sending you a hug x

Don’t say sorry, you are talking to us and a lot of people on this thread care about you, this is your space to be yourself and try and process all your thoughts and feelings x

I'd be glad that I'm not ugly on the inside like him!

@Gorgeousfeet I'd wait until he goes abroad again to deal with this. Then I'd get legal advice. You won't be able to think straight with him in the house. Also it's important that you reach out to your friends.

This man is ugly through and through.

I bet he knows you wouldn’t tell a soul. Shock him.

You have a mental health team at your disposal. Women all over the world are in your situation without a mental health team. Use it FGS.

Don’t let this man waste your life.

I can tell you are really struggling because of the abuse you have suffered at his hands. He is getting inside your head and messing up your thoughts so you are unable to think clearly.

Im concerned for you and so I’m asking you to reach out TODAY to your mental health team. They can’t help you if they don’t know how bad you are feeling.

If you can’t do this for yourself, please do it for the sake of your children

I can understand how major health crisis and what you are going through now with your DH can negatively affect your self worth and how you see yourself. I’ve had a couple of operations in recent years too which added to pregnancy scars, wear and tear and general aging from exhaustion with babies/ motherhood. But when I look in the mirror I chose to see a mum who has overcome, who is brave, who is loved, has survived. The lines by my eyes and mouth show the thousands of smiles that have come from joy. My big, scarred loose tummy held my beautiful babies and kept them safe. My dropped breasts did a great job nourishing my babes. Try to remember who you are inside and that looks do not equate worth!

You are beautiful. You are unique. You are a courageous woman, worthy of respect - including your own. You deserve love. Your body has kept you alive and brought your children into the world. You are a beloved mother and daughter. You have come through medical crisis and you will survive this emotional storm. Your face is yours and yours only. The people who love you love your face! Your children love your face and so does your dad, they would never want you to look like anyone else or be anybody but yourself.

I think we as women have been cruelly conditioned (for hundreds of years, if not forever) to accept our place is to look good for a man or men in general, and that this is our worth. It is driven by scewed sexist idealisation culture and media, which is based upon a very narrow definition of beauty within an even more narrow age bracket. It is utter rubbish. We are beautiful! All in our own way, with our flawed bodies and faces and should never, never be made to feel sad or ‘less’ because of how we look. My mother and grandmother were not supermodels, but they will always be the most beautiful women in the whole world to me, and nothing will ever change that.

Look after yourself OP and give yourself credit for everything you have come through. Take heart. It may feel so hopeless and painful and awful right now, but you will make it through. You have a wonderful life and future ahead of you. We are cheering for you too 🫶

Thank you everyone.
I really appreciate your support.

Things are tough right now between us and we’re pretty much back to arguing. He’s literally been back a week and is behaving in his usual Jekyll and Hyde manner. One minute he’s raging at me over the slightest thing, the next he’s charming.
I don’t feel right about this though . Despite what is going on with my Dad, my son , my MH , worrying about my Mum etc . I just can’t get it out of my head . What I heard .
I keep mentioning it to him. He gets annoyed as in “ but we’ve discussed this “ but I just am not buying it.

I feel like he’s thrown away almost 25 years of my life . And I am also really fucking pissed off over that too because I have loved him so deeply and cared for him where no one else ever has I suspect, other than him Mum when she was alive.
The trust in me for him has disappeared. I popped out yesterday and when I got back my mind is in turmoil as to whether he’s been up to anything. This includes watching porn, talking to someone behind my back on the phone. Anything.
It’s a horrible situation and feeling.

I don’t mean we have a Mum / Son type relationship- what I mean is how much I have loved him. I even sacrificed my own career to allow for him to flourish and grow in his. And that he has done and it has left me like this.
I have no job. I am stuffed really aren’t I ?

You sound like you have a lot going on and you’re not in the right place to make any big decisions. But at the same time the trust has (rightly) gone. Not only that but his lack of remorse or empathy towards you is shocking.

You can’t make someone love and respect you. But you can learn to love and respect yourself. And when you are ready, remember while you have been at home holding everything together and giving up your career and independence, so he could earn money, you are entitled to half (including his pension). Your new job is detective. Find out everything. Knowledge is power. Good luck and talk to your MH team. What are they there for if not to help you with the turmoil you are experiencing?