Husbands food preferences driving me crazy!

[Jessa85]

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

• no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
• no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
• no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
• refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
• won't eat fish
• no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
• jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
• hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

I find if you have a very clear line in your head when you go into a conversation like that, it really helps. That will help you stay calm.

The calmer you are, the easier it will be and I think the more he'll take you seriously.

For me, my vagina would have dried up and clamped shut after a short time with a man like that, and you've put up with it for 10 years!

Good luck! I think your future is going to be so much nicer!

And you have so much support from the amazing women here on Mumsnet. Thank god for this place.

I think you may need to come back for hand holding if it gets difficult with him. But he can't make you do anything you don't want to do.

Why should she batch cook for her husband? Why can’t he batch cook for himself?

OP, he sounds like a lazy child. Just leave him to it and feed yourself and your kids nice food. I’m not sure why you’ve made this your problem, it really isn’t.

Exactly this!

He can have a stash of ready meals so if he doesn't want what you're cooking, he can grab one of those instead. Sorted.

I wouldn't buy his food - he eats what is there or he sorts himself out

I was ready to hear it, everything has been a support. Since last year when we went to therapy it's been a growing frustration. I hoped after all those years the therapy would help but here we are. I will update you all in the coming days!

How did it happen that you became responsible for all meals given that you both work full time?

He sounds like a lazy arsehole. I'd def get rid, your children are learning that this is how men treat women.

@Jessa85 i really admire your spirit and your determination to nake changes. But I’d caution you about thinking that the first step is to talk to him. Because you’ve already said that all he cares about is money, and if he thinks you are leaving he will take steps to move / hide it. You will be focussed on meal planning / laundry ( aka moving the deck chairs on the Titanic ) and he will be hiding his large savings / investments ( which are matrimonial assets ).

I suggest that if you are serious about leaving ( and not just using the threat as leverage ), then you DONT speak to him. I suggest you play detective, find out about your and his finances , get your paperwork together and get good legal advice .

Then come up with a plan, set everything up and THEN speak to him.

He’s had his chance already to change and you've seen how well that worked out.

For me, my vagina would have dried up and clamped shut after a short time with a man like that, and you've put up with it for 10 years!
Haha maybe if he read these comments he would understand my lack of desire to do anything sexually with him!!

I appreciate your words, I too hope the future will be brighter, however it turns out

Well early into our time living together I raised the issue of me cooking, cleaning and nothing changed, we had the conversation multiple times and nothing ever changed. Then I went on maternity leave and his opinion was I should do it all as im home. Ahhh it makes me so angry that I didn't stand up for myself. Its my own fault for letting it getting this far, I should have walked a long time ago

One thing op - if he's self employed- get photos/copies of his income before you raise this. He is likely going to be very upset that his slave is saying no more - if he realises you are serious.

I'm so pleased you've seen the light, Op.

You described him as having 'a heart of gold' and I'm really struggling to see it, from what you've posted.

You both work FT.
He does little else, and what he does, it's for himself (eg his own irongin).
You do EVERYTHING else.

The only thing he achieves 'more' than you is he earns more. However, he doesn't contribute proportionate to his earnings, so proportionalty you're giving more financially to the relationship than he is. Also, he earns more because you've had to stifle your career because you do everything else (see previous comment) - hence, it's his fault you aren't earning more.

And then on top of that, he makes your life unnecessarily more complicated, stressful and (in taste terms) boring because of his overly fussy eating rules.

I see no heart of gold. I see a man who thinks he's superior because he earns more (even if that doesn't translate into contributing more financially, and even if he only earns more because his wife has faciliated it). I see a man who is lazy, fussy, entitled, and who doesn't care too much about his wife's feelings. I see a man who is setting a terrible example to his daughters, who may grow up to think he's a 'normal' man, and in turn choose someone similar for themselves.

They will, in turn, believe they are inferior, won't achieve as much as they could, and will spend their time running around to please a man who doesn't deserve it.

I really hope you leave him, op. He may make promises but you've already seen he can't keep them, because his heart isn't in it. He doesn't want equality. He doesn't want an equally respectful marriage. He doesn't want to pull his weight. He doesn't want to put your happiness before (or even alongside) his own. He wants an easy life, doing very little and being pandered to.

100% this!!! Why are you pandering to him?!

Agree with others - don't play all the cards your hand too soon, make sure you have all the information you need before making him aware of your intentions

Thank you.
All of our savings lie in a joint savings account so if he did move any money I would know about it and would have proof that the funds were invested/withdrawn. Aside from that we have a joint mortgage and a car that's in his name. I'm hopeful he wouldn't be able to hide any of that if this does come down to divorce proceedings.

but you aren’t a trad wife - the whole thing about trad wives is they run the household and their husband looks after them including financially by giving them an allowance.

his attitude is worse - he expects you to do all of that plus contribute equally financially and then holds over you the fact he earns more (the benefits of which you never see).

oh goodness, OP this is a very excellent point!

You can do this with still stopping cooking for him. Just tell him you're not doing it anymore, no explanation, no conversation. Just.... don't do it. Grey rock.

I think Octavia has made an excellent point and given excellent advice here.

Ducks in a row BEFORE you speak to him. Then if you still want, a last ditch conversation.

He isn't self employed so hopefully he cannot hide anything

Make what you like, and repeat his own words back - "I like what I like". And then his other phrase too - HE could always make HIMSELF something different.

And make him do his share of the housework!

My boyfriend is also a very fussy eater (not quite as bad as yours though!) but he does all the cooking so it’s not really an issue for me. I would say we have about 8 meals he likes that we rotate, and it can get boring, BUT he is out twice a week playing a sport and he just has a snacky tea beforehand, and on those nights I cook nice meals for myself that he wouldn’t like.

Yes she made a very good point, I feel very overwhelmed with how to handle it all right now. I've got the appointments booked for next week and I'm actually going to take the girls out for dinner tonight, I already messaged him to say we will be out before he gets home. Maybe that gives me some time to figure out how best to proceed on talking to him, I want to be in the strongest position possible.

@Jessa85

WE ARE ALL BEHIND YOU! Just remember that when you have the "chat" with him 😘

I think that comment came from how he was in the past, before we moved into together. When I've sat this morning and thought about our lives together, I can see how he really isn't someone I am happy with. I do everything, I'm setting a bad example and I am just so so tired of it all. I feel like I've become his mother, that this was the role he expected me to take and over the years I've lost all my confidence to turn around and say no.

Now I feel in a stronger albeit overwhelmed position and want to explore the options of feeling free again. Setting that better example and not settling for what I currently have.

We have two wonderful girls, we have enjoyed some amazing holidays together but even now I look back and think it was all me. I planned those holidays, I made all the arrangements and he paid. I thought at the time that was fair but when I look at the bigger picture, its not because my whole life is me doing everything.

Take your time

You have to protect you and your children's futures - holding off saying too much now until it's all planned out

I know you feel great having worked out what you need to do .. but keep calm and don't mess up !

My DH also won’t eat what your DH won’t eat. Now I cook for me and my DD, and he cooks his own meals. I just got so bored of eating the same thing, and I love creamy pasta dishes!

He gives orders about what meals he should be made! Clearly, very time consuming!