Husbands food preferences driving me crazy!

[Jessa85]

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

• no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
• no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
• no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
• refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
• won't eat fish
• no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
• jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
• hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

I would read about and speak to as many divorced women as you can op, you will find that most of them are far far happier and their kids are absolutely fine.

It's OK, I can take harsh comments but didn't see any of these as harsh... more like a reality check for me!

@Jessa85 put down an empty plate and tell him to look in the cupboard!

I did have some solo therapy aside from the couples counselling but it was for some childhood trauma that I was struggling with. I'll absolutely look into it again as I know how beneficial it is, thank you

I can absolutely guarantee that he does realise that. He is just hoping his behaviour will mean you lack the confidence to leave.

You are his Domestic Service Unit.

'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different.

But surely that applies to him if you're cooking for the majority?

Does he really not like all of those foods or is he used to you indulging him?

My husband sometimes isn't fussed about what I cook.

Not so bothered that he'd rather cook for himself though!

Ultimatum time OP. You have been to counselling and contemplated divorce enough to do the sums. Tell him exactly this. Man, up mate, or I'm done!

Yes that sums it up. I will look into it again for my own piece of mind, I really don't want to have to make that decision but I cannot carry on like this.

You can definitely say to him that you don’t want your daughters to end up as adults doing all the housework while their husbands sit around doing naff all.

If he doesn’t mind bolognese or curry, you could have those twice a week and you can say to him the other five days are up to him to choose and sort his own meals if he’s not happy with what you’re cooking. He says he likes what he likes, and YOU like what YOU like so you’ll be cooking with the children and eating lovely things and he doesn’t have to eat them.

if he does no housework he can definitely find time to cook!

As a child he refused to eat any kind of food with sauce so I think this is a long term issue of his. I've realised now he needs to cook for himself.

I am sure this has probably been said but there are lots of comments…

If you are both working full time he has 50% responsibilities and whatever he can’t be arsed to do he can pay someone to do it.

Get a cleaner in.

Get a nanny to help you on days he should be helping.

If he claims he can’t afford that then he needs to step up and do it… it’s one or the other.

You need to cook for the kids, then cook for them and you eat whatever they are having. Don’t pander to his needs if he isn’t pandering to yours.

Can you try cooking whatever you like and leaving out a portion for him with the thing he doesn't like in? So stroganoff and leave the sour cream out of one portion, for example.

He sounds incredibly spoiled and selfish.

Ummm how about HE cooks HIMSELF something different?! Cheeky fucker.

If he doesn’t cook, he doesn’t get to decide. Make what you fancy. If it doesn’t meet his criteria. Well off you pop to the shops babe. Obviously it’s different with some preferences, like my spouse doesn’t eat fish. I’m not going to cook fish every day, but at the same time I am going to eat it sometimes. My DH is good at taking on the meal prep load so it feels equal.

Thank you for everybody that's replied to me I am so overwhelmed and grateful for you helping me see how ridiculous this all is. It was always about more than the food, I'm so frustrated and ashamed that I allowed myself to be such a walkover in this way. It's absolutely not what I want my girls to see growing up and why I considered divorce last year. Things improved but slowly its all getting worse again, I'm at the end of my tether. I seem to have lost all my strength in fighting for whats fair.

My girls will happily eat as I do and enjoy a varied diet so my first job tonight is to tell him to cook something else if he isn't happy with what I make. Followed by a chat about our life in general. I saw a comment about him feeling more important than me because he earns more... that's 100% the case, in fact he has said those exact words to my face when I begged him for a lie in one weekend when I was on mat leave with our second child. Despite him earning more than me, I still contribute 50% on all our bills with the exception of holidays.

My next step will be to talk to someone to help me understand my position and entitlements if I decide that the only option for us it to divorce.

Despite him earning more than me, I still contribute 50% on all our bills with the exception of holidays.

This is awful op. Bang out of order. He gets worse and worse.

I tried that, he didn't eat it.

He is incredibly selfish and spoiled. I do think it was the way he was raised, his sister is exactly the same

No, you change. Stop doing all the housework and apportion chores to him. If he doesn't do his share it doesn't get done. If he complains tell him to organise someone to do the ironing, cleaning etc since he is too lazy. Or - radical thought - you organise a cleaner, ironer etc. which will be paid for out of your joint incomes (I hope you have a joint account into which the whole of both salaries goes and from which you can both draw as necessary!).
And tell him to cook his own boring food, you and DC are going to cook what you like - it will be enough for him to eat too, if he wishes. If not, cook or starve.

Yes I'd happily cater for preferences here and there but his are completely ridiculous. I'm utterly ashamed of myself for letting it get this bad

So you fed him and he didn't eat it. So he cooked his own? Don't tell me you cooked something else for him!

I agree.

Oh OP, it gets worse - you're paying 50/50!! This man is abusing you. Please don't feel ashamed - go and talk to a solicitor. If I were you, i wouldn't bother having yet another conversation with him - he won't change. Quietly get those ducks in a row, focus on you and the children.

yes, me too ! we all relaxed, life was indeed much easier -
ate together at 5.30-6 so we had an evening, when
previously we had to wait for daddy to come home,
go through his routine,
waiting to serve and eat, tired fractious children,
under the thumb without realising

evening mealtimes should not be a battleground

I genuinely don't think I could fancy a man who was this fussy about food. It's a trait I find really, really unsexy for some reason. He won't eat vegetables if they're cut into chunks that are too big for him? What is he, five? Good grief.

On a more practical note, though, I would be inclined to tell him he just needs to cater for himself separately most nights.

ExDP was much the same. I got so fed up with him refusing to eat what I had prepared for him or "improving" it in some way that I said to him one day "it's obvious you don't like anything I cook so from now on, please make your own food." It was a massive relief.

I am a decent cook and everyone else enjoyed my meals.

That sounds like both my fella, and my dad.
Neither would eat anything 'wet'. Or too spicy.
At least DH eats salad. But no sauces, no pastry, no rice, no pasta, and potatoes have to be roast or chips only. No normal sliced bread...

I just accept that all the nice dishes I cook will be eaten by others only!