Husbands food preferences driving me crazy!

[Jessa85]

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

• no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
• no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
• no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
• refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
• won't eat fish
• no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
• jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
• hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

FGS, don’t say “you can shop and cook for yourself, thanks”.

Say “you can shop, cook and clean up for yourself”.

Oh good luck OP..

I found that when I stopped doing things for my ex (because I'd also had enough of being taken advantage of), that was the beginning of the end (things like getting his car serviced, doing his tax returns, as well as all the normal washing/cleaning etc) - I stopped being his maid, and it seemed that was what he really wanted me for, so get ready for that carefully (then grey rock. Don't be drawn into pointless discussions - only go into a negotiation with a clear idea of what you want out of it, and don't be side-tracked)

I have a fussy kid (it's all about control really, eg. he'll eat chips, but not roast potatoes), and a kid who'll eat pretty much anything (if he tries something, and says he doesn't like it, then I can believe him). I cook the same stuff for all of us, and adapt it to the fussy one, or he makes himself noodles (limited, I won't let him live on noodles either). It's manageable in a child, but unacceptable in an adult for him to expect you to only cater to him, and not lift a finger to do anything himself.

Why are you catering to this man child? He can make his own food.

it's not that i'm not willing, it's that I'm scared and uncertain. I just want the best for me and my girls, I don't want to upheave their lives. However, since talking here I've realised that this can't go on and I have to do what is right for me and my daughters.

Why are moddle coddling him? He is a grown man. He can make his own food.

I'm feeling the same right now.

But your children are growing up in an unhappy household. You are unhappy because he does fuck all. He can change that but he doesn't care about you being unhappy.

If you do all the house chores and childcare because he earns more, then you are more or less admitting - and teaching your kids - that both of you think that you are a maid service paid for by his salary, and not a partner.

So I’m a bit stuck really. massive eyeroll, as you are not, really

that your husband has the temerity to pick over a meal you have shopped
for, cooked and presented to him as attractively presented food nutrition and
sustenance with the remark ‘you know I don’t like this sort of thing’ - a grown
man says this ?

when you read back what you have written here I truly hope the penny drops

CLANG !!!

Tell the children that Daddy only likes to eat some foods and that is his choice because he is an adult, but that you think it is good to try different foods when you are young so you don’t end up eating boring daddy meals for the rest of your lif.

Batch cook his meals and freeze in single portions then show him where the microwave, the plates, the cutlery and the washing up bowl are.

I'm guessing there's more to it for your relationship and it's not just this.

My DH is far more picky than yours (due to food-related trauma as a young child). For main meals he eats only meat, chips, roast potatoes, bread, certain shapes of pasta, ketchup, cucumber and raw carrot.

I'm less fussy in a different direction as I don't eat much meat at all.

We just cook separate meals, like lots of people do when they have meat eaters and vegans in the same household - it's just a more extreme version of that.

It doesn't come up in our relationship at all and we're both happy with the situation. We eat together, just different meals.

If someone had to eat different things for allergy reasons you'd explain it to your kids, I don't see how this is any different.

So I'm guessing there's actually a lot of other reasons why it's stressing you out/you want to end things.

You will be raising your kids to eat like him. Tell him he can cook 3 times per week and the other 4 you will cook and he can have a berding meal out of freezer.

Take a step back and look at your life - does he really bring this desired stability for your children to the table?

My kids didn't even notice their dad was gone for 2 weeks... and even when they did, the eldest was upset for a day, then after a week came to me and said that actually, it was no different than before, and nothing more was said - we've just continued on (but with a lot less washing)

That's not completely true - of course when they were a bit younger it did feel hard basically being trapped in the house once they were in bed - unable to nip to the shops or anything, but that's not forever, and baby sitters do exist.

@Jessa85 Is your husband a hard-working dentist called Ben who comes home for lunch?

Except he doesn't pay me and I still have my own full time job. I'm done, my frustration was always about more than the food and you've all opened my eyes to make me realise I've been making some very poor decisions. Not anymore.

That's not fair on you or the kids, I would just cook what you want and if he won't eat it he can get his own - he will start to either eat what you put in front of him or he won't. You could suggest he helps on a Sunday to meal prep for the week. Or you could suggest he goes and gets some ready meals if he doesn't want to help

Hahaha no!

You said somewhere 'he is a good person, heart of gold' spmewhere op. No. No he's not. He's selfish, lazy and a bad person who doesn't have a heart of gold because if he did he wouldn't allow you to run yourself ragged whilst he earns his free time off the back off your hard work. I suspect you've been telling yourself that so that you could bury your head in the sand. That's normal but ultimately not good for you or your children.

We are tough but fair here OP !

I had one of these. Wouldn't eat cheese either, unless it was 'orange, because only orange cheese is real cheese.' Cheesecake? No, because you can't have cheese and cake together (?!?!). Nothing creamy. All meat incinerated until so brown and stiff it could be anything. Rice pudding and soup had to be out of tins.

AND he couldn't cook! We lasted more years than we should have, and his fussiness about food (meaning eating out was almost impossible) was only one of the reasons we split, but it was a major contributor.

He brings us stability in terms of financial stability but it seems that's all. Yes it's similar here, when he is away for work trips my life is no different in the sense that I do everything anyway... in fact its easier as I don't have a man-child to pander to.

and I appreciate it, I can handle a bit of tough love... with the lack of support I have here, its what I needed to make me realise I'm not happy and my daily life is unfair to me and my girls

its so tough isn't it. He wouldn't eat cheesecake because he doesn't like cream cheese (will eat 'normal' cheese). I once served it up as a moose and he loved it... he now eats cheesecake... shame that didn't work for the rest of his bloody preferences

If he doesn't like what you cook he can make himself a sandwich or cook for himself.

You cater to his limited preferences at the expense of your children's nutrition and learning to like lots of different foods. Plus, he needs to get off his ass and help with household work. You're not his maid.

OP, I think you need to tread a little carefully here.

He has only been putting in 50% of the bills into the joint account, despite earning a lot more than you. I know you said he pays for holidays and presumably other 'big' stuff, but I bet he has loads of savings and investments stashed away.

His contempt for you and misogyny is evident; he does not see you in any way as 'equal' to him, so I would guess he is not going to react well to the possibility of divorce.

I conclude he is highly likely to try and hide money and assets from you during the divorce process, and to make everything as difficult and legally expensive as possible.

To use the MN cliches, keep your powder dry, get your ducks in a row, and play your cards close to your chest.
In other words, don't mention the 'D' word, or let on just how unhappy you are, until after you have done your investigations into his finances and taken copies of all important documents.
Do you know about ALL his savings, investments, bank accounts, pensions, crypto, etc.? Take evidence of account numbers, balances, etc. ready to give to your lawyer.

You say he is a good person with a heart of gold, but divorce has a way of bringing out the worst of even the very best human beings.

As others have said, you need to drop the rope. No need to cook two separate meals or batch cook for him or for you and your kids to eat according to his preferences. If he doesn't want to eat whatever you cook, then he sorts his own meal. Simples.