Husbands food preferences driving me crazy!

[Jessa85]

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

• no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
• no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
• no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
• refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
• won't eat fish
• no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
• jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
• hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

Nothing to add except to say that I'm rooting for you so hard! Following along in the hopes that before too long you'll be able to tell us you've given the useless lump the boot. 💪🏻

Just read this whole thread, and I'm really rooting for you, OP. You sound like a great mam and a lovely person. Following along to see how your story ends up!

I do all the cooking and people eat what I cook or they can sort themselves out. Five nights are Hello Fresh and everyone gets to pick one recipe they want. I'm always picking something interesting and off the wall for my choice.

I really can’t be doing with adult fussy eaters and wouldn’t be enabling this ridiculous behaviour by pandering to it.

Let him crack on batch cooking his own meals at the weekend.

Then you are lucky to live with people who do not have food issues such as this. Its a bloody nightmare tbh.

I have followed all your comments and am so proud of your growth. I definitely think getting your ducks in a row and unearthing his actual money situation is paramount.
I find it so sad that he thinks he's worth more cos of his pay but doesn't see the value of all that you do. So bills are 50/50, childcare 100 you, housework 100 you, shopping 100 you, holidays he pays you plan and organise, so how is it comparable? His earning more accounts for nothing for you as an individual or you as a family: it literally only benefits him.
Absolutely astounding that he gets to walk around like the big I am. I am fuming on your behalf.
I would really focus your attention on your children and what they want to eat. If he really was a good dad, them getting a variety of dinners and enjoying meal times together would be important to him too- as would modelling a healthy household balance.
Also, use this time to take a step back and see what they are seeing when they look at him and you. I suspect that will be all the motivation you need to keep you going through it all.
Really rooting for you.

Can I ask what you both earn? I earn twice as much as my DP (£25k vs £50k) and there is no way I'd get away with not doing 50:50 on the housework and meal cooking. Salary doesn't seem to come into it, I'm expected to pull my weight at home even though he's a much better cook and I really cba cooking. Very curious about how much he earns that means you think he's allowed to check out of cooking and housework.

Stop being such a pushover OP.

You make a delicious meal plan for you all, and if he doesn't like what's on the menu then he sorts himself out.

Better still, he contributes to cooking two or three times a week

Also, I echo what a previous poster said. I earn 5 times what my husband earns and we both do 50% of housework, childcare and cooking! I don't know how you do it all yourself and I certainly wouldn't be in your shoes.

You are not the ridiculous one

Who says I don't?

On daughter in particular is very fussy and one son wont eat green veg.

Tough!

unless the diagnostic criteria for ARFID has changed, he is unlikely to have it, but may be borderline.

My son has it, he has 2 breakfast options (plain toast or the only cereal he eats), 1 lunch option (he's had same meal for lunch every day for 14 years) and dinner is either some kind of pasta/tortilla meat/, sauce combo or sausages, nuggets, chips or mash, or cheese pizza. His list of 'acceptable' foods is between 15 and 20, only drinks water,

He won't touch or even attempt anything not on his list of acceptable foods and he won't sit in the same room with people eating anything not on that list and can be violent towards people who even offer him something else or come near him with anything. He is brand specific on most foods, and if anything tastes even vaguely different he refuses it.

The fact your DH will eat things but moan about the texture says to me he may have sensory issues around food, but i wouldn't peg it as ARFID personally.

So they just don't eat?

Sometimes. Or they pick out the bits they don't like.

Everyone gets served the exact same. I don't have the time (or inclination) to prepare 5 different variations of the same meal.

So you would make (say) bolognese, for everyone, knowing one dc doesn't like sauces. And they would just not eat the meal that evening?

wow OK, so it looks like I've been burying my head on a few issues. I'll go through all this with the solicitor next week. Thank you

Despite him earning more than me, I still contribute 50% on all our bills

So he uses the "I bring more money in* as the reason not to do half the household load, but that "more money" doesn't even come into the household pot? He can't use it for one side of his argument and not use it for the other.

I know his income because we had to share our payslips for a new mortgage. I only have access to the joint accounts, I cannot see his personal account at all.

I don't know the password for his phone, he's never shared it and I've never felt it necessary to ask, I've always been quite a trusting person.

It's really interesting that at the beginning of the thread you described him as the breadwinner....then you told us that you pay 50% of the bills. It's truly astonishing that you at one point considered him to be the breadwinner because he earns more, yet your contributions are the same. All it means is he probably has significantly more disposable income than you.

I'm pleased this thread has opened your eyes...best of luck.

Jessa85 - you could be me; well, the me from a few years ago.

Not the fussy eater ex, but the bigger picture. It's almost identical to how I lived for nearly 8 years (in an 11 year relationship).

I wish I had turned to MN like you have. I wish I'd found the strength to say 'this isn't what I want, it's not good enough and I deserve better'. I didn't, I wasn't the same version of me that entered that relationship, I was a shadow of my former self and I was so far down a road that I was afraid to turn back. I then fell pregnant, and felt even more confined to a life I knew I wasn't enjoying but who else would have me/when it was good it was bearable/how would I cope financially and in general being a single parent/what would my parents/family/friends think?

Before I had a chance to realise that my child deserved better when she joined us, he left me for another woman that he'd been sleeping with since we found out I was pregnant. So he made the decision for me and that, and our daughter, are the only two things I can ever thank him for. I realised 3 days after she was born (when I was finally able to kick him out of the home we owned, even though we'd split up 4 months earlier and he'd been disappearing off for days at a time to stay with his other woman) that if he hadn't ended things when he did, I'd have done so within days of the baby being born. His bone idleness would have caused me to kick him out for good.

Ironically, those first few months when it was just me and my baby in our home were the most wonderful time I'd had in the time I'd lived there. The housework reduced dramatically when he left - I'm a tidy person in general so I didn't have his dirty laundry littered around the house to pick up and wash, I didn't find dirty plates/bowls/cutlery laying on the worktops, or food not put away in the cupboards or fridge. The bathroom didn't need cleaned as often, or the floors hoovered as much.

And if it helps - life 'after' can be epic. It's not easy going it alone, fortunately I didn't have to deal with a divorce but there was a splitting of joint assets (which he definitely cheated me on with certain things but I didn't have the strength to fight and just wanted everything to be separated ASAP) and it's scary trying to build things back up but you have the benefit of at least some time to make an exit plan. I didn't, and still managed whilst pregnant/with a newborn baby.

Three and a half years later and I was able to buy a bigger and better home for my daughter and I, relocated nearer to my family and kept my job (which I love, and can WFH full time doing), met my forever person who I'm marrying this summer and had my second daughter. I'm stronger as a person again, I can set boundaries and stick to them, I know my worth. I refused to settle for anything short of what I deserved and now I have it.

I'm embarrassed about the person I was and what she tolerated for so long, but I'm proud of who I am now and what I've achieved.

YOU CAN DO THIS. I'm rooting for you so hard over here!

I earn 35k pa and he earns £105k pa. Aside from the money I see in the accounts I have access to and the girls ISAs, I have no clue what he does with his remaining disposable income. That's about the change as I want full disclosure from him on everything.

Yes I didn't realise at all, he refers to himself as the breadwinner and that's how its portrayed to others too... I feel I've been completely financially abused.

How can he be the breadwinner if you work too? Surely your income isn't yours alone.
Your teaching your kids that women are responsible for all domestic chores

Thank you for sharing your story. I too am very glad that I shared here on MN yesterday because my eyes are completely opened to what I've been put through.

When I typed the post yesterday I was hoping that people would have some ideas of what I could cook or to share similar stories. Then I slowly realised I am in this dysfunctional, abusive relationship and had been carrying on with my head in the sand. The more people who replied and the more I typed the angrier I got at A) how he had been treating me and B) how I let it get this far.

I'm quite looking forward to my appointments next week because my mind is made up now on what to do.

You Earn £35k and he earns £105k …

And you split the bills 50/50.

OP, can I express to you how absolutely wild this is.

If he tries to say this is normal when you speak to him about it, let me reassure you that it absolutely is not normal.