Husbands food preferences driving me crazy!

[Jessa85]

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

• no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
• no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
• no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
• refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
• won't eat fish
• no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
• jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
• hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

That's not a bad shout on stopping contributing but I don't want to give him any ammunition further down the line. He's used that before when I was out of work on maternity leave and he had to pay more. Financially abusive I know, I see it all now. I plan to ask him today to arrange our finances proportionate to our income and when I couldn't sleep I worked all of that out based on both of our incomes. It is truly shocking how much I have been contributing in comparison to him, and there's also some missing money that he needs to explain to me. I basically have no money for myself, everything I have goes into our joint account and the junior ISA we have for the girls.

This is a link to ARFID. A rarer eating disorder which is lifelong but more commonly seen in children.
Take a look OP
www.facebook.com/share/p/1HHUn4ZcmQ/

I'd cook extra of the meals he likes and then he can have the leftovers the next day. That gives you and the kids a chance to eat something different. If he's that bothered he can always sort his own dinner out too.

Now is definitely the time for gathering (and more importantly recording) all the information you can about your financial situation. I’d also start thinking about whether the relationship might be abusive in other ways and make a record of your concerns. This picture should help with that, and it sounds to me like the using privilege section is already relevant.

Oops, I only read the first post and felt I was hearing a tale of undiagnosed ARFID.
Page 4 and were hearing about an unreasonable and financially abusive man too.
Sorry

Start to cook meals specifically for you and the girls.
Have the girls join in and make exciting, healthy and varied food including salads and chunky vegies.
Only cook two meals per week for the whole family, in the style of what your husband likes.

Batch cook a pasta that husband likes, freeze in husband size portions. Bake twenty potatoes and freeze. Keep canned beans in pantry. Have some bread that husband likes and butter.
He makes his own breakfasts and lunches.
Use the microwave for the five nights per week husband has either pasta or potatos with beans.

Stop seeing his food as your problem.

Great you are sorting out the big picture, re finance etc.

If he turns out to have ARFID or similar, he's unlikely to eat reheated foods - texture and taste changes, plus the revulsion experienced.
If he is in fact such a special Lord and Master who must be revered, he won't tolerate leftovers. He's far too important.

I'd just batch cook one dish he likes and he would get tvat every single day until it runs out.

Tve problem with the housework is it shows a disrespect for you. Even worse it shows a very poor example to your children. I hope you are giving them both chores to do regularly, don't let them grow up to be a useless adult, partner and parent.

I could have written your post five/six years ago. I was in a marriage where I did all the housework, all the cooking, he didn’t like many foods so I pandered to what he liked. He earned more than me, so believed he was more important than me and deserved more free time than me, despite me actually working more hours than him. He contributed more to bills, but I paid for all children stuff, any holidays and in fact I had no money left at the end of the month whereas he made sure he had spending money and bought £1000s of guitars and bikes. Over time I realised I was a people pleaser and had stopped loving him as he was a selfish man. For years I was too scared to divorce him because, like you, I’d looked into the finances and was terrified of having to pay a mortgage solo on my lower wage.

Then, finally, when the children were 8 and 11 I snapped out of it. I realised that I was modelling a terrible marriage to them, that they deserved better, that I deserved better and that I deserved to be happy. I told him I was divorcing him and that nothing he could do to change would alter that as I didn’t love him any more. I won’t pretend it hasn’t been a challenge but I’m so much happier. I chose to keep the family home with the help of a Mesher Order. I was already working 1.5 jobs, so increased that to 2 jobs (one full time and one freelance in evenings and weekends). I don't get maintenance but if the mother has the children more than the ex husband plus earns less, she would get a significant amount of maintenance. And if the house was sold, more of the equity would be awarded to the lower earning partner. I won't deny that I still do the majority of the parenting. He loves them and feeds them and puts a roof over their heads on the days he has them. But he doesn't do anything to do with school, homework, exams, birthdays, holidays, emotional growth or friendship challenges, he doesn't take them on holidays or even out for walks. i do all that. not him. he also feeds them the same meals every week and his house is a tip. But at least the children get a more rounded menu at my house. Despite all this, despite working more than ever, I'm SO happy. And i have a new partner of 2 years who is so loving to me and the children, who probably does more than his fair share of housework, who will himself pay for things for my children that their own father doesn't provide. The children love him. Divorce is hard, but it is actually often the answer.

Why does she have to batch cook meals for her DH? He is perfectly capable of doing that himself one weekend 🤷‍♀️ or he can easily learn if not. He is just being lazy.

Honestly you will be so much happier on your own. I left my first husband with our son and some clothes. Money was tight and our flat not modern or matching but we were so happy in our wee safe haven. I’ve since remarried and DS grown up but I’ve never regretted going it alone. All I lost was 16 stone of useless fat!!
You sound a lovely person and deserve so much better

I can't stand a fussy manchild. Especially one that doesn't pull their weight. Tell him this is what me and the kids are having for dinner. You're welcome to join us or make something different for yourself. You're not a chef cooking to order. Tell him to get a grip!!

Oh OP just ready your updates.
i know it’s hard but you will
come through the otherside of this and be so much happier. Life is far too short to spend it unhappily. Xx

Let him cook his own. Mine is Arfid and I haven't cooked for him, except roast dinner, when he only eats the chicken anyway for about a decade. It's much easier. He also dies his own food shop. Which is 10 kg of chicken, cornflour and eggs.

OP I am similar to you in that myself and DH work full time but he earns significantly more than me, as I took time out of work to have children / look after the home whilst he built his career.

However there the similarities end …. DH shares the cooking and housework and childcare. This was the deal we agreed to, if I went back to work FT.

I cook in the week as I get home earlier, he cooks at weekends and also if he is WFH. Friday night is a ready meal / takeaway. We share the meal planning and shopping. If I cook he clears up the kitchen and vice versa.

My salary goes into my own bank account and then I put about half of it into the shared account, but I keep the rest for myself. I have a savings account and ISAs in my own name.

I think it’s really unfair you are having to do everything in the house and all the cooking especially when he is so fussy.

Actually, I think DH would be offended if I treated him like you do your DH, as if he wasn’t capable of doing things for himself. He enjoys cooking for the family.

@Jessa85 love all the usual suggestions ‘he might be on the spectrum’. Oh yes, the spectrum that makes him pay less, do nothing round the house, no home admin, just what he wants to do. And even if he is, and isn’t just a mean, financially abusive, lazy whatnot, it doesn’t mean the op has to put up with it!

He would need to make his own if he were my DH!

My DD27 and I share a home. We eat very differently. We make our own food. No stress!

Because he's an adult and you're not. Good grief.

And if he's cooking his own, end of discussion.

Just parent, and don't be taken for a mug by this man who is controlling whether you eat!

Have you read OP's many updates? It's no longer really about food and she will no longer be pandering to her 'D'h

OP when you go to your appointments next week make sure you tell them that you don't believe all of his money is accounted for, and look into getting a forensic accountant if you do divorce him. It would be expensive upfront, but very much worth it if you're right. You could ask for advice on here in the Money Matters and Legal Matters sections. Lots of women on here would be happy to give you advice and point you in the right direction. I personally wouldn't tip my hand at this stage that you think there is missing money. Obviously you need a fairer split, but frame it in that way rather than letting him know you think he's hiding it.

I'm stuck on so many things here. He's earning more than you but you both work full time and you do all the housework and catering. You say he has a heart of gold and is a good person. But YET rather than pulling his weight in the house and cooking half the meals he is controlling what everyone eats with no regard for your preferences or feelings or role modeling being a good, fair partner to your children. That's not someone who has a heart of gold and I also don't think this unfair way of being in your family shows him to be a good person. Would you want this dynamic for your children? So for arguments sake, you have 365 meals together a year....how many of those are things you actually feel joy about and want to eat? That makes me sad. You get one precious life. He needs to meet you halfway.

Regarding the income, do you have access to all the bank accounts etc info?

Can you access his phone/laptop?

If you suspect he is concealing money - which is jointly owned as you are married and should be transparent - then worries about snooping are irrelevant. You're investigating.

You’re not being ridiculous, he is! I would consider my husband a bit of a fussy eater but at the end of the day I cook our meals so he sucks it up and is happy to be fed 😅

Just cook what you want for dinner. If he will eat it then great, if not, then he knows where the kitchen is.